Mom.

Since, you don't have a facebook, and won't be able to see all the Mother's Day posts from me, I decided to express to you my love and appreciation on my blog (since I know you read this, and have been asking me why I haven't written anything in a while). You have been by my side since I was a little girl. All the times I cried before going to school because I wanted to stay home, you wiped away my tears. All the times I was scared or hurt, you always made me feel better. I am sorry I don't always express to you how I feel. You know me, I don't always share my feelings, I keep them bottled up or only share parts of them. But, despite that, I am pretty sure you have me figured out.

You made our childhood wonderful, John and I both have some wonderful memories. I know you ask "If you did enough". The answer is yes, you did do enough, you did more than enough. You were and are a wonderful Mother.

Holidays and Birthdays were always magical and memorable. You taught us so much about the Gospel. You taught us "culture and refinement", even though we don't always implement it in our lives :)

Happy Mother's Day Vicki! You are a beautiful Daughter of God. A beautiful Mother!

I love you!

Serene

I am so blessed to be surrounded by AMAZING individuals whom I call my friends.

They have taught me so much and continue to teach me everyday.

This week has been amazing. Full of enlightenment. Full of accomplishment. Full of Balance.

I couldn't ask for anything better.



ps.. This is my definition of "Serene" ... I miss this place.

My New Approach

These past few weeks have been pretty darn good. Life finally feels as though its back to normal. For a while it was as if my life were frozen. I wasn't moving forward, and I wasn't moving backward either, I was just going through the motions of going to doctors, receiving medication, blood work... all that glorious stuff.

I've really been able to reflect a lot these past few weeks. Reflecting on where I was and where I am now. I have been able to see how many positive changes I have made in my life. I was able to talk to a friend about this. She drew me out a picture of what my life was like before and how I dealt with change, how the "coping behaviors" I was using brought me down, I knew I wasn't progressing, I was constantly feeling anxious. She then drew out a picture of my life now, and how even though I still feel similar emotions that come with life and changes, I deal with them in a more positive way. She said I have made connections (mental, spiritual, and emotional) in my life that have helped me and will continue to help me. I was in awe of how she was explaining it. I didn't really see the whole picture until she pointed it out. It was really neat.

I've also been taking the time to de-clutter my life even more. I went through all my books, movies, music, etc and got rid of so much stuff. Not that any of it was bad by any means. I've learned that most of those things don't do anything for me anymore. They don't leave me feeling uplifted or feeling like I have gained something positive. So, I got rid of them. It probably sounds silly to most of you, but for me, It's brought a sense of calmness to my life. I think those things can cause me to feel a sort of "sensory overload"..

I've taken a new approach that I thought about while doing this, I decided that the only "philosophies on life", or books in general, that I need comes from Deseret Book (haha) or the Apostles, Prophet, and Scriptures. Now, months ago, maybe even a few years ago, I NEVER would have chosen to do that. I used to live off of Music, Movies, Entertainment. The thought of getting rid of my Grey's Anatomy Seasons on DVD was ludicrous. But, I feel as though for ME, I have outgrown them. Now, I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with the show, or with music, movies, etc... It's just something I have done that has created a sense of balance in my life that is necessary for me to progress, stay calm, and not stress.

BUT, that being said.. I still am going to the Mumford and Sons concert.. because, I do love them :) and I think music, movies and such are okay and FUN, but for me it has to be in doses, and not all the time like it was before.

I guess I did this also because I really want to gain as much as I can out of life. I want to experience it in every positive way. I don't want to distract myself and miss out on any opportunities to grow...

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey

Day 41 - A picture of your pet.

Well, My Pets died a while ago.. BUT.. here is a picture of one of the critter's that melted my heart :)

Cleo.


Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.

I don't know exactly what my "dream" house would look like.. BUT, I like this one :)


Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
It's terrible.. BUT I'm obsessed...


Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.

I hear this one...

ps.. I'm in LOVE with her nails...



Day 45 - A picture of your room.
I don't have any pictures of my room

Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.

3 more monthssssss :)




Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
what can I say? Cute Clothes.. Cheap Prices.. can't beat that... :)


Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.

Actress...
I LOVE these Sisters.. Emily Deschanel.. and Zooey Deschanel




Actor...
Johnny Depp.. Always and Forever

It's about time..

So, alot of my fellow blogger pals have been doing/keeping up with the "60 Day Challenge'.. I have been slacking... BUT I feel inspired to catch up!

Thank you Gabe, Lindsey, Jessica you guys have inspired me once again!

I had to look back and see what day I left off on... I was thinking I could just start from where I left off, but that would then involve me posting a new blog everyday.. SO, I decided to catch up all in one post :)



Here are Days 10 - 40.. *haha yes.. the last one I did was exactly 30 days ago..

Enjoy :)


Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

I had to think LONG and Hard.. and Karen D wins! haha we have done so many random things together over the years.. too many to count


-

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

though my life was saved here.. I really have a dislike for the state.






Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

so many to choose from!





(I don't have any recent pics of my mom... BUT I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!)





Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I get to see them in JUNE!!


Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

There is alot of us... but I can't imagine my life without them!! I wish I had pics of EVERYONE!












Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

No.. I don't want to jump off of this.. I want to climb a Mountain.. I want to feel like I am standing on top of the world!!






Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.




Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.




Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.



Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I don't think there is anything in particular I would wish to forget.. every experience I have had has made me into who I am today.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I wish I were better at speaking German...




Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

This book has changed my life for the better.. :)






Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

I wish I could make the world get rid of this...




Day 25 - A picture of your day.

This really has nothing to do with my day.. but I liked this pic.. and My Day has been good so far!




Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

The temple means so much to me.. with it, we are able to be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. What a beautiful blessing! Kansas City is getting one!! SHould be done soon!



Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

This little guy here is my buddy .. and cousin :)





Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

hmmm... I try not to focus on my fears..

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Ohhhh It's so cute! I want one :)






Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

One of my other Best Friends!! I get to see her for 3 whole weeks in a few months!!!






Day 31 - A picture of a tradition you have.

EVERY year for the past few years.. We have always gone to Karen's Aunt Jan's Halloween Party!!

I only have pics from 2008, 2009, and last year...

2008 - James, Karen, Daniel and Myself.. This year was probably the most awesome!



2009 - James, Karen, Myself, Seth, and Daniel - Daniel, Karen and James had the best costumes.. Seth and I were lame


2010 - This was a pretty good one too! Karen, Morgan, Chris and Myself.. Karen was a loofah, Morgan was Adam Ant, I was Kat Von Dee, and Chris (not pictured) was a baby!





Day 32 - A picture of a crazy night.

I think the pics above can count for this one

Day 33 - A picture of the house you grew up in.

haha I found one on Google Maps!
Buuuuuut, it wouldn't upload....




Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.

I'm listening to Mix CDs right now...






Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.

yummy yummy.... I love Thai food :)



Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.

karen and alyssa both






Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.

With these girls :) My Rio Fam!!




Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.

I love meditation.. If only I could do it everyday on a beach :)




Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.

hhhhmmmm... fav movie?? well , I love quite a few :)

My all time Favorite...



Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.











NOTE TO SELF: NEVER BE A SLACKER

A Strong Foundation

266 days...


... is number of days from the day I was diagnosed with cancer to the day I found out the cancer was no longer in my body.

266 days....

It's so surreal to me. That's almost 2/3 of year. Just add 99 more days, and that would equal a year. I remember meeting with one of the first doctors, back in October, he said the cancer had been in my body for at least a year.. give or take.. I think about those days, I think about when the "darkness" first set it in.. When exactly was it? What was I doing that day? That week? I had no idea it had appeared, I think about when I first noticed my body felt different, I would say it was back in January 2010/December 2009... I remember feeling a sense of heaviness in my chest, feeling a sense of anxiety I had never felt before. I couldn't explain it, I had no idea where it came from. Breathing was harder, my voice was constantly strained. I used to sing all the time, but then I couldn't hit certain notes without my voice cracking. Sometimes my vocal cord would get caught on something.. it always felt like a Charlie Horse, except in my throat. Probably one of the most painful things ever.

I think back to when I first found the lump in my neck. I was sitting at the stoplight turning onto the main road outside my neighborhood. My hair was long at the time. I remember sitting at the stoplight brushing my hair past my shoulder. My hand happened to brush against my collarbone in the process, that is when I felt it. A surge of anxiety rushed through me. The doctor's told me it was a cyst. I knew it wasn't. I knew it was something more, I knew it wasn't something I could just "brush off". But, I didn't want to know the truth. I didn't want to know what exactly it was. I figured, if I didn't know what it was, then it would just disappear.

266 days, its so overwhelming to think about. That number is such a SMALL number compared to the number of days I have left in my lifetime. During those days, I thought I would NEVER see an end to it. I thought March would NEVER be here. And now, it's almost April.

I handled myself pretty well through all of this, I trusted in the Lord, I had Faith. I relied on him for strength, I relied on my family and friends for strength. But then one day, I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It was pretty much the ENTIRE month of February. I know I have mentioned it a little bit in previous posts, but I look back and think about how hopeless I truly was.

February was the hardest month this past winter. Though I had faith in the Lord, I found that I wandered away from that. Only for a brief time though. I completely disconnected myself from loved ones, from Christ, from the Gospel. I wandered. I literally felt like the gates of Hell were right next to me. I wasn't myself, I couldn't even recognize myself during that month. I spent many days and nights just not caring anymore. My days were filled with distractions, and my nights were full of tears, numbness and pain. I felt so alone, I didn't see what the point of life was. I didn't understand why I was surviving this. So much had changed in such a short period of time, I didn't have time to process ANYTHING. So, all these emotions had built up and then I just crashed. It was awful.

Things changed once I went down to Tulsa for my 8th round of chemo. I read my Aunt Bonnie's book which changed my life. I woke up and I had changed. I felt like I was myself again. I put the Lord back in my life. It scared me because I realized at how quickly WE can change, and not even realize it. I realized that Satan can pull us down if we don't have our guards up.

I am so grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful that I went through this awful, yet beautiful journey, because it has brought so much knowledge, wisdom, and even joy to my life.

I wasn't expecting my doctor to tell me the Cancer was gone. I was expecting her to say that it had shrunk. When I heard that it was gone, I was speechless. I don't have to focus so much on this anymore. I can focus on other things now. My life is going to be so different.Different is good though.

I know that things have calmed down for now. I feel peace and joy. But, I also know that life is full of adversity, but after going through this, I know that I can face anything and get through anything.

Having Cancer has taught me so much. It has taught me to stand up for myself. It has given me a confidence in myself I never knew was there. It has brought some AMAZING people into my life, whom I NEVER would have met had I not gone through this. It has opened so many doors for me. It has taught me the true meaning of this mortal existence. It has taught me to not worry about what others think of me. It has taught me that material things and vain things are NOT important. It has given me this strong foundation for me to stand on.

I Believe...

Here is a little of what I believe.




















www.mormon.org
www.lds.org