It finally happened, all the emotions from this journey caught up to me. People kept telling me that it would happen, maybe multiple times. They said I would feel sad, alone, mad, all those negative emotions, which I have felt at times through this, but NEVER as strong as they have been recently. I remember feeling them my first round of chemo, because it was such an adjustment. But, these past 2 weeks have probably been the hardest emotionally.
They say going through chemo and those "emotional side effects" are similar to people who suffer from trauma, such as a soldier fighting over seas, or a kidnapped victim. I don't think I really understood that until recently. Today, I feel pretty good. Better than I have felt. If anything this has been a humbling experience.
Tuesday was really rough. I think I spent most of the day crying. Crying because I was sick, because I was tired of medicine, nurses, Tulsa, people asking me how I am doing, explaining how I 'feel' over and over again. I was tired of being uncomfortable, tired of people asking me if I wear a wig or asking me if I have gained weight, tired of worrying about what is next, tired of feeling like I have to be strong all the time. Just all those things. The day before, the doctor told me that once they do the scans I may have to do 4 more rounds of chemo, if the tumor isn't small enough for radiation. That right there I think was the breaking point. I was so upset when I first heard those words. I know that by law she is obligated to say that to me, to cover her bases, but just hearing those words, even though I might not have to do anymore, broke my heart. I didn't show any emotion the whole time I was in Tulsa. I was with my Grandfather and I didn't want to show him how scared I was, or how hurt I was. That's one thing I really don't like doing, is showing emotion. But, that is also what has been so great about this journey, I have had to learn how to share emotion, how to open up, be vulnerable and such. SO, all in all, its been a blessing.
Tuesday night, I was able to talk to a dear friend of mine whom is also a cancer survivor. She has been through so much in her life, and has overcome so much adversity. She just listened to me cry on the phone, and express all my concerns. And then she just filled me with so much courage and hope. I am so grateful for people like that. My Branch President of the congregation I attend in Platte City has always told me, "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on rocks and stone." I love that. It's so true. I know that the whole purpose of this life is to become more like Christ. To become refined. It's hard because in the midst of any trial, the light at the end of the tunnel may seem so far away. But, it is so much closer than we all think. Part of this life is enduring. Is being Patient. Both of which I am learning, and will be learning the rest of my life.
I read a church talk recently, by one of the church leaders, Jeffrey R. Holland, he spoke a lot on Adversity and Enduring. He talked about how the Lord loves broken things. He is the Master Healer. He can heal us from sin, from pain, from sickness. And how we must be as "little children" and come unto him, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And he will heal us. I know that there is no pain he hasn't felt. No emotion he hasn't felt. He knows how we feel. He cries when we cry. He rejoices when we rejoice. I know that. I have felt his love and his presence in my life, especially these past 6 months. He is there with me while I get chemo injected into my body. He is with me when I fell so weak that I can barely walk, or when I feel so sad that I have forgotten how to feel happy. He does the same for all of us if we just let him. I am so grateful for him, for the sacrifice he made so we could live on this earth and have the opportunity to know him. He is real. I know that.
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