I can't believe it's almost September. Time has flown by so fast. So fast.

It's been 10 months since I found out I had cancer. 9 months since I first entered the doors of the Cancer Center in Tulsa. 8 months since my hair started falling out/since I shaved my head. 6 months since my last round of chemo. 5 months since I found out I was in remission. 3 months since I stopped wearing wigs. 2 months since I since I went to Utah.


I'm not going to lie. I still think about it every single day.
It probably doesn't help that I still have my port in my chest. I don't notice it as much as I did in the beginning, but I can still feel it at random times. It's not the most comfortable thing. But, I feel like I will miss it when it's gone. That may sound weird, but it a strange way, it's been a part of me all this time. So it will be weird not to feel it anymore. Don't get me wrong.. it WILL be nice when they take it out though.

I can still feel the chemo run through my veins.

I can still feel the prick of each needle from the IV's to the acupuncture.

I can still remember the emotions I felt while I was sitting in the Infusion Center, surrounded by sickness and death.

I can still hear the drip of the IV.

I can still smell the Cancer Center.

I can see the look in the doctor's eyes when they told me the news, and when they told me 2 weeks ago I might still have it.

I have dreams that the cancer is back, or that I have another form, one that is worse.

I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, wide awake, like I did when I was sick.

But.. even though this happens. I am now able to see a future for myself. I wasn't able to see it in the midst of the chaos.

I am able to plan for my future and make goals again. Sometimes, I still fear that my goals and dreams won't go according to plan because of my health. But, then I just have to remember to look forward with faith.

It's hard sometimes, I am not going to lie. But, it's what helps me.

I can Breathe!

I feel like I can breathe again!

I had a cancer scare last week, my doctors found a spot and were talking about chemotherapy (again), radiation (again), and invasive surgeries (again)

I was pretty disheartened when I heard the news.

It was a year ago ALL over again. I had to play the Waiting Game.. A game I am not a fan of.

I found out a few days ago, that it didn't look like cancer.. Thankfully.

I was relieved, the joyful feeling didn't hit me until a few days later.

I can breathe again!

The week before my PET scan and the week of my PET scan, I was a nervous wreck. I was in my own world, everyone could tell I wasn't 100% there. I was constantly thinking about going to Tulsa again. Thinking about the IVs, the patients, how I was and still technically am a patient to my doctors down there.

I told myself that if my scan came back clear I was going back out to Salt Lake to visit.

So... in a week and a half I leave for a few days... I am so excited to be back out in the Mountains, and to see my friends and family. I have missed them all terribly.

Last night I FINALLY worked on a new vision board. I was looking at the one I made during cancer and I realized I had accomplished everything on it. Now I am making a long term one and a short term one.

Long term - what I want to achieve and have in the next 10 years.

Short term - what I want to achieve and have in the next year.

I am looking forward to the months ahead, to the things I am going to do and accomplish.

The ABC's of Optimism

Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.

Believe in yourself

Consider things from every angle

Don't give up and don't give in

Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone

Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them out and enjoy their riches

Give more than you planned to

Hang on to your dreams

Ignore those who try to discourage you

Just do it

Keep doing no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier

Love yourself first and most

Make it happen

Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal

Open your eyes and see things as they really are

Practice makes perfect

Quitters never win and winners never quit

Read, study and learn about everything important in your life

Stop procrastinating

Take control of your own destiny

Understand yourself in order to better understand others

Visualize it

Want it more than anything

Xcellerate your efforts

You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace you

Zero in on your target and go for it!




I'm not perfect. But, I try to be optimistic the majority of the time. I feel like lately I haven't been as much, but, I try to make a conscious effort each day to remind myself that the glass is ALWAYS half full, not half empty.

I found "The ABC's of Optimism" when I was going through my old emails.. Karen had sent it to me because I saw this quote, or whatever you would call it, hanging on her wall.

I'm one of those people that has a hard time staying focused once I get towards the end of almost achieving a goal. I have many friends who, once they set a goal, nothing gets in their way, they work so hard until they achieve it. I admire them so much for that. I typically always achieve my goals, its just more on the Lauren Time-frame.

Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days of all the amazing people who surround me each and everyday. They are all amazing. I can't stress that enough. They all are uplifting, motivated, hard working individuals who make things happen. I am so proud of all of them. I know not everyday is easy for them, but instead of giving up when the going gets tough, they stick through it and come out on top.

I have met so many new people this past year, made so lasting and real friendships. I have met the majority of them when it was unexpected. I just feel so much joy and gratitude at this very moment. I want to personally tell each and everyone of them how much I love, appreciate, and admire them all. But, the list would be pretty darn long. So, my dear friends, who are reading this post. I am thankful for YOU and your hard working, uplifting, inspirational, optimistic, ambitious, spiritual, intellectual, caring, creative, examples. You all play an important role in my life, whether we see each other once every 6 months, or everyday. I am Thankful for YOU. And for your support, love and friendships that you have all given me this past year and for some of you, the past few years.

I feel so much gratitude right now. I think about my career, and how much I love it. I love meeting so many new people on a daily basis and with most of them, creating a lasting friendship. I learn so much from them. We learn so much about each other, and it's nice because we become part of each others families, in a way. (it sounds weird, but it's so true, any hair stylist would back me up on this one)




“The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!” - President Joseph F. Smith, 6th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

What I know.

I went to bed feeling confused, frustrated and lost.

I woke up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and mentally clear.

The past week and even maybe few months I had gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I forgot maintain my relationship with Heavenly Father.

I had a good conversation last night with a good friend of mine. The past week I have been going to him at random times for insight, and counsel. He reminded me over and over that I shouldn't worry about material things or worry about what others think. I should only worry about what God thinks about me. Now, that is something I've always known. But, for a while I felt like I had put a wall up with Heavenly Father and hadn't really spoken with him. I wasn't mad at him, I just kept putting it off until eventually it really didn't cross my mind. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Well, deep down I knew why I felt stressed and anxious and confused, but I felt as though I had forgotten how to communicate with our Father in Heaven. And I felt that I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Last night, I decided that I was going to change my behavior, I decided to get back in the habit of being spiritually in tune with Him. And, I feel more peace than I have in a while.

It's easy to do, it's so easy to get caught up with life, that we forget to include the One who loves us more than we could every possibly imagine. Our Father in Heaven.

Some of you may ask; Why we are all on this earth? Where did we come from? Where are we going? What is the purpose of Life?

Well, we are all here on this earth so we could each gain a mortal body, go through mortal experiences, so we could prove our love to Heavenly Father, and if we are faithful, we have the opportunity to live with him again.

It's so simple and so beautiful.

As many of you know, I am "Mormon" I like to be known as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

When Christ was on the earth, the fullness of the Gospel was also on the earth. But, after Christ was crucified his apostles were Martyred and members of the church fell away . This made it so the fullness was no longer on the earth, for many years.

It wasn't until the year 1820, when a young boy by the name of Joseph Smtih, had questions about which church to join. He was reading in the Bible, James 1:5 "If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upraideth not, and it shall be given him."

So, he decided to go and ask of God. And when he did that, God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ appeared to him. He described it, “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. . . When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and

glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!”

"In his vision God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared. The Savior told Joseph not to join any of the churches. Although many good people at that time believed in Christ and tried to understand and teach His gospel, they didn’t have the fullness of truth or the authority to baptize and perform other saving ordinances. This vision marked the beginning of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth, which God authorized to be established 10-years later by a wiser, heaven-tutored Joseph Smith, once again allowing everyone to receive the joy and blessings that come from living it." -- www.mormon.org


Now, there may be some of you out there who either don't believe in God, or feel abandoned by him, or feel angry at him. You may feel as though you are alone. But, you are not alone. He has a plan for each and everyone of you. We are given adversity so we can grow and also so we can fully submit ourselves to him.

I believe that to be true with all of my heart. I am so thankful for that knowledge.

Utah

I have had a wonderful time out here in Utah these past few weeks, it saddens me to think that in a few days I will be returning back to KC. Don't get me wrong, I love Missouri, but being out here has been a huge changing point for me. I feel as though I have received so much enlightenment, so much healing, so much joy.

I have family out here. I love them so much, my love for them has increased more these past few weeks. Ever since fighting cancer, my view has changed. I have developed a stronger love for the Savior, which has given me this deeper love for the people in my life, especially my family. I think of them and their lives out here and how amazing they are. I have learned so much from them over the years, even though we have only seen each other a handful of times throughout the course of our lives. But, there is this amazing bond that we have. Everytime we see each other, it's as if we have never been apart.

I have gotten to know each of my cousin's on a more personal level out here. Being able to do that has given me a greater, eternal love for them. They are all such amazing children of our Heavenly Father. Each of them facing their own trials, dealing with their own day to day lives. They all have given me so much strength.

Family is such a blessing, I have always known it, but now I truly feel it. They are always there for us no matter what. I know that no matter what happens in this life, my family will always be there for me. My family back home has shown me that, and my family out here as well.

I love them all so much, and am so proud of them.

This trip has been so amazing, I have been able to meet so many people and see so many incredible things. I have been able to see old friends and spend time with their amazing families as well. I have been all over the Salt Lake area down to the Orem/Provo area. Spent a day in Park City and spent another day at Sundance. Hiked in the Mountains, saw some breath taking and slightly intimidating water rapids and waterfalls. Kissed a tarantula, double dutched in the canyons, made friends with random strangers, visited as many temples as time would permit, met up with old friends, had mini dance parties at random places, explored the streets of Salt Lake City, had deep conversations, and so much more.

But, it's not over yet, I still have a few more things planned before my plane ride.

I am so grateful that we are able to be sealed to our families for eternity.

My Mantra

"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.

Love them anyway.

If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.

Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.

Be honest and transparent anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.

Build anyway.

People who really want help may attack you if you help them.

Help them anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.

Give the world your best anyway."

-- Mother Teresa


I love this. It's applicable in every aspect of my life. My goal, to memorize this, and use it as one of my daily Mantras.

What's YOUR mantra?

This Is It

Quote on my cousin's wall...

" You can't move forward if you feel like what you are leaving behind is better for you"



ps. I love this painting. Check out Anahata Katkin, she is a phenomenal artist.