I was getting dressed this morning and as I looked in the mirror and saw the scars that cover my chest and abdomen, I was overcome with emotion. For the first time in a while,I felt a sense of empowerment. I saw all of my scars (the old and the new) as something to treasure. They are what set me apart. They define my character, they have contributed to the person I have become. I am proud of the person I am. I couldn't say that 2 years ago. But, now i can.
The past year has been "the year" marker for different things. I can wake up each day and remember exactly where I was a year ago. Whether i was in surgery, receiving chemo, losing my hair, feeling like death was next to me. I remember those emotional drives down to Tulsa. I would literally hold back tears the entire drive. I didn't want my family to see my pain, my fear, my dread. I am sure they knew. I was a cold person. I rarely spoke the entire time we were down there. Whenever I was hooked up to the chemo machine, I would get up out of my chair and push my giant IV into the bathroom with me, collapse on the floor and cry. That was the only time I could be alone, to compose my thoughts. I would cry and pray, I would tell God that I understood the journey I was on was necessary, but I would plead with him that it would be over with soon. I'm sure it wasn't fair for me to ask him that. We shouldn't ask him to take away our trials. They are given to us for a reason.
This past Holiday season was wonderful. I wasn't looking forward to it in the beginning. It was going to be a reminder to me of how sick I was last year, of the "dark" place I was in. I honestly didn't think I would see another holiday season from a "healthy" standpoint.
I did. I saw the holidays from a "healthy" standpoint. God blessed me, he softened my heart.
The end of 2011 was blissful. I was able to spend all my time with old friends, friends I had forgotten about. It was wonderful. I was able to spend time with my family, with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was amazing. I felt so much unconditional love for all of them. I've been able to recognize the people in my life who truly love and appreciate me. Some I knew were always there, and others I hadn't even realized were there. That is the real treasure in life. The friends who are in our lives, who sacrifice their time to serve, to lift and to just be a friend. My spirits were lifted so much this past week.
So far, 2012 has been wonderful. No chemo and no wigs are a plus. But, I've been able to live in the moment again. I've released myself from all the negative feelings from the past year. Whether they were from being sick, from people who let me down, or residual emotions from the shock and trauma of all that has happened. I've allowed myself to be happy.
I look forward to a new year. I know that no matter what happens, I will be able to get through. I will be able to be happy. I have faced my worst fears, some of them I have faced multiple times, others I have faced once. I am grateful for the journey I have been on. Thankful for my scars. I used to see them as ugly, I used to resent them, I would try to conceal them. But they are beautiful to me. I love them and they will remind me every single day of the darkness I faced. They will remind me everysingle day, how strong I really am. I had no idea it was in me. You never truly know how strong you are until you are faced with life changing experiences.
My favorite expression that I think of everyday. "Kia Kaha" - forever strong
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