I love.....

What is one reason why I love the holidays so much??? Reuniting with long lost friends of course :)

These past few weeks have been amazing! I have been able to spend my time with the ones I love the most. And I have loved every minute of it. I have also been able to spend my time 4 of my close friends who came to town (all at different times). Some of them I hadn't seen in a few months and some it had been over a year. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. These are the people who when you are with them, you forget your trials, you pain, your worries. And you just enjoy one another, you laugh, sing, dance (we are pretty intense). These 4 individuals have really touched my life in so many ways. ( of course I have other amazing friends who live here too.. I will do "shout outs" to you on another day.. I promise)

I remember we all met about 4 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long already. We met at church up in Platte City. Many of them lived in Leavenworth, and over the years we all grew together. I can remember so many fun memories with them. We would have random parties, game nights, movies nights. It was so carefree and fun. We had been there for each other through different relationships we all had, different heartbreaks, different milestones, the whole shebang. It's been quite the journey.

Seeing them all for the first time since I found out about my cancer really put so many things into perspective. We all realized that our bonds have been strengthened, that life is fragile and to make sure you live with gratitude each day (especially being grateful for the ones you love). Seeing them these past few weeks has been so wonderful, and its hard when we all have to go back to our own lives. Two of them have already gone home, but the other 2 are still here for a few more days. I feel blessed because right now, this week is the best I have felt in months. (Side Note: Acupuncture is AMAZING.. everyone should do it)And because of that, I have been able to spend almost every moment with them at different times.


Brittany!


James!


Alyssa!!


Janiece!!

Happy Holidays

This morning I woke up in my room at the Treatment Center, I woke up wide awake. I decided to calm my busy mind by reading in the December Ensign. I read Christmas stories given by church leaders, I read inspiring stories about sweet spirits whom where born with physical and mental disabilities and have overcome their challenges. As their stories were being shared you could tell there was so much gratitude in their hearts. A story that really stood out to me was the story of George Frederic Handel. Many of us have heard his beautiful music which was composed in the 1700's. The one is is mostly known for is his beautiful work "The Messiah".

Handel faced many challenges of his own. He had a stroke at the age of 52 which left his right arm temporarily paralyzed, and his brain partially injured. Over time he overcame his diagnosis and was able to play and compose music.

After reading all these wonderful stories, my heart and my mind was full of gratitude, peace, and clarity. I started thinking about all the blessings I have in my life. I realize that despite the physical challenges I face for this brief moment in my life, the Lord has never left me. He has blessed me with so much. A knowledge that he really does exist, that he can remove any burden, pain, despair, anguish, anything that troubles us, he can take it away and fill us with peace, joy, gratitude, and love.

This holiday season has probably been one of the best ones I have had. I feel as though I have been able to understand the true meaning of Christmas. And I know that I will remember this particular Christmas in my heart for the rest of my life. The spirit of Christmas is such a beautiful thing, it is full of peace, joy, and love. I have come to have a better understanding of the word "love". When I think of "love", I think of the word "charity". This particular gift has manifested itself in my life so many times these past few months. I have felt the love and prayers of others, and my heart has been softened so much.

"Charity is the 'Pure love of Christ'. It is the opposite of criticism and judging. It is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.....
.... In a hundred small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity. Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her best to deal with the challenges which come her way, and may we strive to do our best to help out." - President Thomas S. Monson.

I hope that everyone has a beautiful holiday this upcoming week, and to always remember that 'Spirit of Christmas'.

The People In Our Lives

One Saturday, back in August, I was at work, having fun with the girls, doing hair, the works. Most of my clients that day were regulars, but my last client of the day was a new one. Her name was Kelly. Kelly sat in my chair and I started to do the normal consultation that I do with every client. We talked about her hair, what look she was going for, what challenges she may have been having with it lately, etc, etc. The appointment went well as usual. Kelly ended up loving her hair and all was well. I really didn't get a chance to get to know her too well this time.

About 5 weeks later, Kelly, came back for another appointment. This time, we talked more, and got to know each other better. We were talking about guys I believe, and I was telling her about the different ones I had dated or associated with over the years, the more recent ones at that time we were ones we talked about more. She then asked a question that I was not expecting at all. "Are those guys Mormon?". At first, I was a little surprised, most people haven't asked me that before. She said "They sound like they are Mormon." I said, "Yes, the past few are" She said "The only reason why I asked is because, I am Mormon". Now, Kelly had just moved into town from Phoenix, Arizona. She called the salon for her first appointment (Based on a recommendation) they gave her the option of 2 different stylists (one was me). And, randomly, I was the Stylist she ended up with.

So after Kelly had told me she was also a member of the church. I told her that I was as well. She went on to tell me that she was baptized a few years back, and hadn't been to church in over a year. I proceeded to tell her about the different congregations and meeting times we had out here. We talked a bit more about the church but then that was the end of the conversation for the day.

5 weeks later, I received my diagnosis about my health. I had been really frazzled, and stressed. It was hard for me to decide when I would tell my clients. Kelly had an appointment that evening (about 6 days after I received the official news)we had developed a friendship, there are some clients that you have friendships with, some that you have more of a business relationship with. (typically they are the ones who don't come in very often, that you don't know as well) So, Kelly came in, and we decided what we were gonna do to her hair, I walked back, mixed up the color (still debating in my mind, I hadn't told all my clients and still to this day there are a few who don't know) So I told her. I told her all about the cancer, my treatment plan was still in the works at the time. I was telling her how I started doing things to de-stress my life, I removed toxic people, petty stress inducers, I took up yoga, and was considering learning more about meditation. When we got to that topic, she said that she was taking a meditation class downtown the next night and asked me to attend with her. So, I went to the UMKC website (which is where the class was being held) and signed up.

The next evening we met up, went to the class (well, we got to the campus, and couldn't find the class, so we went to Kona Grill instead, but hey, going out could be a form of meditation) After that, we became really good friends.

The next month and half or so we would meet up, go get food, go shopping, etc. We continued talking about normal girl stuff, guys, life, and goals (well, those may not all be everyday topics, but that's what we would talk about most). Every once in a while the Church would be brought up. At one point, I extended the invite to Kelly to attend church with me. The next few weeks were booked for her. But, the first Sunday of December she was able to attend with me.

We went to my branch (congregation) up in Platte City, MO. The day before I had mentioned bringing her to a few individuals, so she was able to meet them too. This was her first time attending an LDS meeting in over a year. And, it happened to be the testimony meeting (they do this once a month, where everyone in the church has the opportunity to fast and to share their own testimonies with each other). Kelly was only able to stay for the first meeting, and had to leave. I stayed for the rest, and then headed down to Tulsa. The next day, Kelly texted me and was so happy, she felt the spirit, and realized that this is what she had been missing. I thought that was really neat.

So, the next week we went again. This time it was Stake Conference (Stake Conference is when all the congregations in the surrounding area come together and meet, and listen to church leaders and members give talks) I was able to introduce her to a few more of my friends. The talks that were prepared were amazing, they were about life, about the Savior, about missionary work, about service, about this holiday season. It was so wonderful. After church, we went back to the house, ate lunch and continued to talk about life, the gospel and goals. Kelly proceeded to tell me that for a long time she felt she had been missing this in her life. She always had the desire to come back, but at the time wasn't able to. She was telling me how she knew that I was placed in her life for a reason, and how I was a stepping stone in her life, for her to get back to where she wanted to be in her life. She was saying how she knew we were supposed to meet, because she could have gone to any stylist back in August, and how she chose me. She was saying how the Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways in people's lives. Since then Kelly and I have become more like sisters. We have both helped each other these past few months, she has especially helped me during this difficult time.

I share this story, not to make it's focus on myself, but to testify that people are placed in our lives for a reason, whether its for a lifetime, or for a season. (yes that rhymed.) This is something that I have been thinking about a lot. About all the people who are in my life, and who have been in my life especially these past few months. I have also been troubled lately too, because there are some whom were "temporarily" in my life, but aren't really a part of it anymore. (they haven't necessarily moved away, they just haven't been around like they were before) I know that people do come and go, and for the ones who have gone, I am so grateful for the time we spent together, and the memories we created. I have learned a lot from them. It's always sad when friendships run their course, and I have never fully understood why they do. I have always tried to put so much into relationships, with family, friends, acquaintances, etc. But, You know who the true ones are, when they reciprocate. Now, I'm not shunning anyone, or throwing anyone under the bus by any means. This has just been heavy on my heart lately. When I found about my cancer,I have also really found who my true friends are. And, I know the friendships that have been strengthened and the new ones that have developed over the course of the past months, will be lifetime friendships. I'm thankful to those individuals, and for you reading this. I am also thankful for the ones who aren't around anymore. Some of them have taught me how to not care about what others think, some have taught me to stand up for myself, some have taught me to love adventure and spontaneity, and some have taught me how to appreciate the simple things. To not worry so much about material things. And though, I miss those moments, and those particular people, I know that we were in each others lives for a reason, and of course I still see them, like I said, they didn't move far away or anything. Maybe this is a way for me to get rid of that heaviness on my heart. I still think very highly them, and my wish is that those individuals receive all the happiness in the world.

I am so thankful for learning opportunities, thankful for blogs.. this has helped me in many ways to process things and to clear my mind. I am so thankful for life and for the opportunity to live. I have moments where I don't want to finish the chemo, because it is so hard, so hard on my body. I don't really talk about it with anyone, I mean I talk about it every day because people ask me, but I don't talk about my true feelings, I think I do it to protect those around me, I don't want them to hurt knowing that I sometimes hurt. But, I just remind myself everyday, that come March I will be done with chemo. That is so so soon. And my dear and new friend Jessica said that we will plan a "Celebration of Life" Party. So that's what I do, I look ahead, I look past the treatments that await, I look past my new fear of hospitals, IVs, and medicine. And I look at the sunshine, the warm weather, going to the Lake, going on a roadtrip, wearing my favorite white sundress and walking around outside smiling and laughing with my friends, and having a full head of hair again. Those moments keep me focused.

Bright Shining Star

I woke up this morning, and as I got ready for work, instead of waking up late, and rushing out the door, I decided to take a different approach. I woke up about 30 minutes before I originally planned, got ready, made breakfast, the usual. I rarely take the time to sit down and actually eat my breakfast, it typically involves me grabbing a protein. bar and running out the door (thanks to chemo, those are ruined for me.. sad) But, today was different. So, as I sat down, I just thought about everything. I am not really sure what everything is, I know I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that has gone on these past few months. So, instead of dwelling on it, I opened my laptop and went to lds.org. The first thing I saw was a message given by President Thomas S. Monson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He gave a beautiful message of peace and good tidings this holiday season. My favorite part of his devotional was a story he told by John B. Matheson Jr. The story takes place in war torn Germany, Christmas of 1945.

Here is a photo of President Monson, he truly is a remarkable man. A true disciple of Christ. I admire him, and look up to him in so many ways.



"During Christmas 1945, John Matheson found himself serving in the army of occupation in Frankfurt, Germany. World War II had ended about seven months earlier, but during the conflict the city of Frankfurt had suffered much destruction. Most of the city was rubble. Many of the homes which had been left unscathed were taken over for housing the United States military. John and two other officers lived in a three-story house that easily could have served as a home for three families.

Each weekday, John and the other two officers would go to their office and return in the evening to find the beds made and the house spotlessly cleaned by an elderly German woman who was hired by the United States Army to be housekeeper for a number of houses in the area. Only occasionally would they see this frail little lady as she busily engaged in her tasks. Their conversations with her were limited, for she spoke no English and their German was poor; but through a sort of sign language and through smiles, they indicated satisfaction with her work.

Weekly, John went to the post exchange to get his ration of candy bars, soap, and incidentals. Though he sometimes grumbled about the poor selection available, he always purchased all he was allowed and put the excess into his footlocker.

As Christmas approached, John thought he should give some gift to the housekeeper; so from the abundance of his footlocker, he filled a large cardboard box with candy bars, soap, and cans of fruit juice. He knew that in the system of barter among the Germans, his gift to her was worth many, many dollars, but the cost to him was negligible.

Knowing she would not work on Christmas Day, as John left for the office on December 24th, he placed on the table where it would be seen his gift box and a Christmas greeting. All day he felt rather smug as he thought of his generous gift. The housekeeper would be like an heiress in the poverty of her neighborhood. How lucky she was, he thought. How beholden she would be to him—to the generous American. And yet his gift was not given in compassion but merely out of pity and for self-satisfaction.

As he approached the house in the darkness of the December evening, he saw the dim glow of the lamp filtering through the window. The house was still. He entered the home and saw that his gift and the recipient were gone. However, in the glow of that lamp, he saw on the table her Christmas note and her gift to him. He had expected no gift, but there it was—all she could afford and given in the spirit of Christmas.

What could a poor little old lady give? She could give from her poverty and from her heart her fondest memories of her beloved city of yesteryear, and she could give the Christmas star.

On that dimly lit table, along with her painstakingly written “Merry Christmas,” were 10 old and dog-eared picture postcard scenes of Frankfurt as it had appeared before the war had so devastated it. The housekeeper had placed each card on edge and fastened them together so that every 2 cards formed a point and all 10 together formed the Christmas star.

She had little to give. In fact, it was all she had. Though John Matheson lived to see many more Christmases, that little housekeeper’s Christmas star shone brightly throughout his life. He said that her “star of Bethlehem” implanted within him the Christmas spirit and taught him the true meaning of love and giving."


This story reminded me of the true meaning of this holiday season. It's funny, I look back at all the times where material things were so important to me. To me, Beauty was how someone looked, more so than how they portrayed themselves. I would try to see the inner beauty, but, I feel like I was more critical of the outward appearance. I have truly been humbled, I have been reminded of the importance of family, friendships, faith, the meaning of this holiday season. I have been reminded of how fragile life truly is, and how in a moment, it can literally change. I am so grateful for this experience. I know at times I complain about it, I complain about the fact that my hair is now officially gone. (yes I wear wig now) I complain about how uncomfortable I feel, or how after picking up a package from the UPS guy, I get completely worn out and have to sit down for 10 minutes to gain some form of strength back. I complain about it all. But, after I have my mini "pity party" I get back up and keep on living.

I realize that right now, this is has been the hardest thing PHYSICALLY, that I have ever had to do. It's taught me endurance, humility, gratitude, patience (Well, that will always be a work in progress for me)

Okay, so I realize, I type alot. But, my heart is so full right now. I am again so appreciative of each and everyone of you. You guys have all been a huge source of strength for me. And for that I am forever grateful.

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

This week has been a huge humbling experience for me. Let me start from the beginning.. well, its sort of the beginning.

Last week was rough, emotionally rough. I was so scarred emotionally and partially physically from my first round of chemo. I literally felt like I was on death's door. There were moments (many of them) where I felt like I couldn't get through it, where I felt like I wasn't strong enough. I felt angry, alone, abandoned. I was so negative and so bitter. I hated feeling that way. It wasn't who I am.

Saturday the 3rd I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Winter Quarter's temple again. On the way up there I was surrounded by wonderful company and felt so much peace, even though physically I was exhausted. This experience was different from most, but it somehow gave me great hope, I knew that everything was going to be okay. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to draw close to the Savior and feel his love for me.

It's in those moments of weakness, of pain, sorrow, and affliction where we can truly feel the Tender Mercies of the Lord.

I had my second round of chemo on Monday, I was originally supposed to do it last week, but couldn't because my White Blood Cell count was so low. So low, that my immune system was literally non-exsistent. When the doctor's told me we wouldn't be doing chemo that week, I was so upset, because we drove down there, and I had mentally psyched myself up for the discomfort that lied ahead.

But, once I got home and felt normal for the first time in months, I was so grateful. I took the time to work, spend time with family and my amazing friends. I was able to do things that I wasn't able to do before because I was so tired or sick.

I am learning to face my emotions and challenges in life. I used to always avoid them, and run from them. But, this experience has taught me to face your fears and realize that anything worth having in life is worth fighting for. Whether you are fighting for your own life, survival, dreams, anything. Anything good in life takes a certain amount of sacrifice and pain to acheive. That is how we grow.

I was reading in the Ensign this morning, a couple of different talks. The first one was by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?" He starts off by quoting one of my favorite hymns:

"Now let us rejoice in the day of salvation. No longer as strangers on earth need we roam. Good tidings are sounding to us and each nation."

He goes on to talk about how we can find joy in trials, and how we have reason to rejoice through the Savior. Now, this excerpt from his talk is a little lengthy, but It is such an incredible story I had to share it.

' I remember a time when things didn’t look good for our family when I was a child. It was in the winter of 1944, one of the coldest during World War II. The war front was approaching our town, and my mother had to take us four children, leave all our possessions behind, and join the millions of fleeing refugees in a desperate search for a place to survive. Our father was still in the military, but he and Mother had agreed that if they were ever separated during the war, they would try to reunite at the hometown of my grandparents. They felt this place offered the greatest hope for shelter and safety.
U
Add a Note


With bombing raids during the night and air attacks during the day, it took us many days to reach my grandparents. My memories of those days are of darkness and coldness.
My father returned to us unharmed, but our future looked extremely bleak. We were living in the rubble of postwar Germany with a devastating feeling of hopelessness and darkness about our future.
In the middle of this despair, my family learned about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the healing message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This message made all the difference; it lifted us above our daily misery. Life was still thorny and the circumstances still horrible, but the gospel brought light, hope, and joy into our lives. The plain and simple truths of the gospel warmed our hearts and enlightened our minds. They helped us look at ourselves and the world around us with different eyes and from an elevated viewpoint.
My dear brothers and sisters, aren’t the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and our membership in His Church great reasons to rejoice?
Wherever you live on this earth and whatever your life’s situation may be, I testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness. The Lord knows your circumstances and your challenges. He said to Paul and to all of us, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” And like Paul we can answer: “My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9)."

It's that time of year again

OH I have to say, I am so excited for this Holiday season. I usually always am, but this year in particular. Maybe it's because my life has taken a whole new turn which has made me see the world clearer and in a different light. Either way, I am excited, happy, and so blessed.

This journey hasn't been easy, I spent last week in the hospital due to complications with the chemo. I guess it was just a "normal" side effect, according to the oncologist there. But, despite that, I am so blessed to be here, so blessed to know each and everyone of you, and so blessed to be at home.

The past week all the questions that we ask ourselves when faced with adversity ran through my mind quite often. "Why is this happening?" "When will this be over?" "Why does it have to hurt so much?" "How long do I have to endure this?" and even the the negative thoughts we all get at times, "I don't think I am strong enough" "I don't want to deal with this anymore" "I am so tired and yet this journey is still in the beginning stage".

I was reading in the Ensign today, (for those of you who don't know what that is, its a magazine that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints publishes each month with words, talks from church leaders who are inspired to give us words of counsel, wisdom, etc) The talk I was reading was from the October 2010 General Conference (A twice a year broadcast where church leaders speak, it is broadcasted throughout the world) The talk I read was given by President Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the church.


He said: "In the Book of Mormon we are told to “live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which [God] doth bestow upon you.”7

Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings.

This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.

We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”8

How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he: “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”9

I love THAT! The past week, though I tried so hard to be positive, I just felt like I was missing something, well I was. First, I was forgetting to have an "attitude of gratitude". Second, I was also forgetting to continue to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. I have learned that once we make Christ and Heavenly Father the center of our lives, and make sure we strive to have them there each day, we will be able to get through anything.

I can promise you guys that whatever your circumstances may be, whatever storms cross your way, whatever forks in the road that meet you, you will be able to get through them with the help of our Savior Jesus Christ, and our Heavenly Father.
That is the reason why each and everyone of you (and I) are here on this earth today. We are here to face challenges and to overcome them. We are here so that we may learn of Christ and return to live with him again. It took me a while to fully have the change of heart to embrace this. But, I am so grateful that I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Some people have told me that this is probably one of the hardest things I will have to endure in this life. Well, I don't know about that, we don't know what lies ahead, but Christ does, and Christ knows how to get us through things, he is always with us even if we don't think he is there (that is where faith comes in, which is believing something you know to be true, but cannot physically be seen) My point is, making him the center of your life will help you so much, plus it just makes people happy :) I have seen it for myself, and I have seen it in the lives of many people.

Anyway, I am again so grateful for each and everyone of you guys, you are my rock and strength. Thank you for helping me and being a part of my journey. We are one step closer to the finish line!!!

Lauren

Thanksgiving

I just can't believe its already that time of year again. Turkey, pumpkin pie, family togetherness, a time of Gratitude and love. I love it all! It seems like yesterday it was last Thanksgiving. I just can't believe at how fast time has flown by. This month really has flown by, and actually, I am very grateful for that, but even though I am grateful at how fast it is going, I am still making it a point to be grateful for each day.

This week, was my first week on Chemo. The docs have me on 4 different types, (I can barely pronounce them). The entire session itself takes about 3 to 4 hours each time, overall I handled it well. I am very grateful for that because really the worst symptoms I feel are just tiredness, sore bones and mouth pain. But, even though at first I complained about that, I realized that it could be worse, all the "bad side effects" I haven't felt yet, and typically those happen right after you get chemo.

I am still adjusting to everything, the medicine, side effects, having a port in my chest (basically, its a device that it is implanted in the chest and has a tube that connects to the jugular vein so the chemotherapy can be administed) Its supposedly much better than getting an IV through your arms. I am not going to lie, I think mentally, it has been a little rough only because I am still adapting to the new "temporary" me, my body doesn't go as fast as it did before, and I do get so exhausted so much faster. My friends and I joke that I am 22 going on 92. :) I had always heard that from other people at how different I would feel, but once you experience it, its just crazy. There have been a few nights where I have woken up in the middle of the night crying because my body is so different now, or the pain is much worse (have you ever noticed how whenever you are sick or injured, things always feel worse at night?) but then once I have that brief moment, I just tell myself that this it temporary, nothing in life is permanent, and I think of how our Savior went through so much pain and suffering in his life and how Joseph Smith went through so much pain and suffering as well, or just all the people who have fought for righteous things, all the pain and suffering they have endured and then I just realize at how truly blessed I am, how truly blessed we all are to be able to be on this earth to experience mortality and to just live. Despite this, I do feel grateful and blessed, because like I said, I could be feeling much, much worse than I am, ( I could be bed ridden) I have been able to still enjoy the company of my friends and family, and be able to work (not as long as I was before, but I am so grateful to be there .. it makes me so happy) My friend Katie and I talk about how they length of my chemo treatments are the length of the rest of her pregnancy, she is so sweet and funny, she was saying how "You know Lauren, for the next 3 months, you are fighting for your life, and my little girl is fighting to come into this world.. you are both fighthers" (it was said something to that extent,but it made me smile.. Katie and Daniel have been amazing friends and a source of strenghth to me! I love you guys and can't wait to meet Kaylee! I told Katie that her little baby will always have a place in my heart because we both "survived" at the same time.. even though her baby is completely healthy, but its still a fight for an infant to come into the world!) Even though my life is completely different from a year ago, even a week ago, I still can't really complain, I am surrounded by all you reading this blog, you have all touched my life in many ways and for that I am so grateful!

So, this week us Rio Girls celebrated Sonia's Birthday! It was a surprise party.. pretty sure she was surprised.. haha we love you girl! And, I was able to see some of my old friends( Savannah, Jade, Amber, Rocky, Cambria) and favorite people at my BEAUTIFUL "honorary sister" Whitney's baby Shower!( I can't wait to meet little Jet! he is going to be such a stud with his litte, baby converse shoes and guitar!) I have really been able to take the time to be with some amazing friends who keep me positive and strong everyday, Kelly, Morgan N and Karen and of course my Rio Family and my own family!) -I'm done with my shout outs :)

wait.. I have one more.. to my dear friends AMAMDA and JANE! you girls ALWAYS know how to lift my spirits.. haha we laugh way too much.. I love you all!!

You know, I just have so much admiration and respect for every single person whom I know, and don't know, who are facing any form of health problem, physical limitation, and sickness. I have always respected them, but now that I have a glimpse of how they are feeling, have felt, or even will feel, (physically, emotionall, and mentally) it gives me a more profound love and respect for them. I just want to give them all a hug and tell them how proud I am of them and how amazing they are, and that everything is going to be okay. I also know that I am blessed because the type of cancer I have is very curable, my heart breaks when I talk to people whom have cancers and ailments that take much longer to get through than mine, or that feel worse off than I have. I just wish there was a way that they didn't have to deal with that. I am so happy when I see them out celebrating life with their friends and loved ones.

As this amazing holiday season approaches, I just want everyone to know how amazing life is and how amazing you are. Be thankful for all your blessings, whenever life gets you down, just take a step back and count all the postive things you have, all your blessings.. I love this hymn that we sing at church sometimes.. it's called "Count Your Blessings"

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]



So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.



Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.



So, this week and for the rest of the year.. count YOUR blessings, and tell the ones you love that you love them!

So, I love you guys!

The Oak Tree

This weekend was a wonderful experience! I came home from Tulsa Friday Night. My dear friend Karen and I went shopping and celebrated Life! Then Saturday, I went with my church congregation (we call it a Branch or a Ward) to Omaha, Nebraska to visit the Temple there. What is the Temple? you may ask? Well, as Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the temple is the "House of the Lord." It is a sacred building, and after its dedication only faithful members of the Church may enter. Inside, members learn more about the purpose of life and make covenants to serve Jesus Christ and their fellow man. In addition, they participate in religious ceremonies that reach beyond mortality, such as baptisms on behalf of deceased ancestors and eternal marriage.

So, on Saturday I had the wonderful opportunity to be able to go there. Its such an amazing feeling, there is so much peace and clarity. You truly can feel the Lord's presence. Now, for those of you whom may have more questions about the temple, I invite you to click on this link. It is a website that the church as put together to talk more about Temples and their purpose. http://lds.org/temples/faq/0,11264,1904-1,00.html

here is a picture of the Winter Quarter's, Nebraska Temple





Then after going to the temple, I was able to celebrate life some more by seeing my Beautiful RIO family!!! Our dear friend Kelly had a beautiful wedding reception, it was fun to just celebrate her happiness, and everyone's for that matter.

Today was also an amazing day! I was able to go to church and to just feel peace and love there. I just feel so blessed to be alive, to have wonderful friends and family in my life. While I was at church, I heard this WONDERFUL poem that has now stuck with me. I want to share it with all of you!

The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.
But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"
The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.

So, here is whats going on.. I will be doing Chemotherapy on Mondays, every 14 days for the next 4 months. A total of 8 treatments. So, on those days I will leave Sunday night, and then come back home HOPEFULLY Monday nights, just depending on what time they start the Chemo. The Cancer Treatment Center has been a HUGE blessing to me, even though it is far, I know that it is the best place for me at this time. Then, once they are finished with Chemo, I will have to do Radiation therapy as well, the length of that will be determined based on the size of the tumor. Oh and for those who have been asking. My lovely tumor is about the size of an iphone. Weird huh? It doesn't hurt, I do get winded fairly easily, but other than that I rarely notice it. The cancer is Stage 2, but is the most curable of them all. According to my friend, its like I won the cancer lottery! haha (thank you for that!) the past week in Tulsa was physically and emotionally exhausting, and I know that it may only get worse before it gets better, but I also know that I am cancer survivor because I am NOT giving up. In a way the cancer has saved me, it has opened my eyes and I feel like I have truly become the STRONG person I was meant to be. I know this sounds weird, but I am kind of looking forward to all this. I know it won't be easy, but I am looking forward to learning, growing, and progressing. And honestly, my body is probably the healthiest it has ever been. I live off of (and have been the past few months now) organic foods, barley grass shakes (they taste like grass, but knowing that they are incredibly good for me makes it go down easier) Acai berry drinks (the healthiest fruit I hear?) and exersise.. lots of it.. Can I tell you? My Body and My Mind have become best friends now. My mind tells my body to keep going when it feels like it can't take anymore poking and stress. And my body tells my mind to "shut up" (what? thats how friendships work.. you know you are close to someone when you can tell them to "shut up") My body also tells my mind that .. actually I really don't know, but I know that they are working together for the first time ever and that is something I know I have needed for a long time. I think we all need that.
So, my challenge for you... Make YOUR body and YOUR mind become BFF! Its totally worth it.
Lauren

"Crazy, Sexy, Cancer" the best book a cancer warrior will ever read :)

So I guess all my English writing teachers would be proud of me for using an "attention getter" as a part of my writing. I never took that aspect to heart in High School or College for that matter. Better late than never!

So, throughout my journey I have met so many INCREDIBLE people, cancer WARRIORS as I like to call them (thank you Kris Carr). I have read some AMAZING books written by these Warriors, and books written by Warriors whom I have yet to meet. (They are going on my list of heros I wish .. no will meet... someday)

Let me start from the beginning. The first "Cancer Warrior" I met on my journey was a new and dear friend of mine, Lori Lober. Her husband John and I are in a a business networking group together. We started about the same time, and since we were both new to the group we attended training meetings and such, because of this I was able to get to know John and learn about how incredible Lori is. John had always spoken of his wife's journey and I had heard other individuals speak of it as well. I was so inspired by her at that moment, she was definitely someone I wanted to meet, I wanted to hear her story and just get to know her. John told me of their website www.welovetolive.com, instantly I was interested. (this was all before I found out about my diagnosis) I remember later that day checking out the site. I was so inspired by it. It speaks about Lori's journey and you can see the strength that she had, and still has. Lori first discovered something was wrong back in 1998. It took 2 years for the doctors to diagnose Lori, by that time the cancer had metastasized to her liver. She was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, and given 18 months to live. That was over 10 years ago, Lori has been found NED (No Evidence of Disease) for 10 years now and is 'Alive and Thriving!' Since then, Lori has written 2 books, working on number 3 and has created a cancer foundation called "Touched by Cancer" to help individual's feel hope when they, or someone they love is 'touched by cancer'. www.touchedbycancer.org. As soon as I received the phone call about my diagnosis, I instantly emailed Lori. We had never met personally, but I felt as though I knew her, and I knew she would be able to help me. The next day, Lori called me and walked me through those first moments.... the moments of 'craziness'. She encouraged me to get multiple opinions and check into ALL my options. And for that I am so grateful!! Lori and I were able to officially meet a few weeks ago at her beautiful home near my house. She has given me so much advice, comfort, books (one of her own... "Still Bigger Than Pink, Alive and Thriving" amazing book!!), and even supplements that all helped her through her journey and are now helping me through mine. She and John have made me feel so much like family, and for that I am so grateful!! I love you guys!!! and I look forward to more of our 'Girl Days!'

My next 'Cancer Warrior' whom I met on my journey is, Jackie Malena. Jackie is the author of "Surviving Cancer 101". Originally, my friend Tammy, had told me about Jackie's book and that she was getting me a copy. Once I met with Lori, I found out they they were all friends. Lori lent me her copy of Jackie's book, I took it home, read it, and LOVED it. Jackie and I officially met last week at an IsAgenix meeting. (IsAgenix is a celluar nutrition and cleansing system, check out Lori's site for more info I have quite a few friends who are on the product and LOVE it.. I am loving it too!) Here is an excerpt from Jackie's Blog to explain more about her journey: "In 2001 the doctors found a 2 pound tumor on my liver while I was 7 months pregnant. It was removed and my daughter delivered healthy 2 months later. It was Hepatocellular Carcinoma. In 2007 I was rediagnosed with the same disease. This time in the lung and lymph nodes and Stage 4. I am successfully surviving it and want to share with others how to manage the journey of Cancer. I want this blog to help inspire people that no matter how scared or overwhelmed they feel about their diagnosis, that we are in it together. Cancer is a journey. Get ready to be surprised at how big your spirit is. I have been given months to live by some doctors and some doctors believed in me. I am still here and don't plan on going anywhere soon." Jackie and I are actually being treated at the same center here in Tulsa,she is now a spokesperson for the Centers as well! She has been a huge support to me just giving me rundowns on how things will go and just listening to my "Cancer Crazys" as she calls them (Just random thoughts, worries, fears, anxieties about cancer.. the 'holy crap'. mode as she calls it, that sometimes takes over the mind). Jackie, I am so so GRATEFUL to you and for your friendship!! Together we are Cancer Warriors!!

Another amazing "Cancer Warrior" is my dear, dear friend Stephanie Withers! Stephanie and I also met through the same business networking group where I met John. Stephanie has been fighting Leukemia for the past few years! She is doing so well! I had NO idea about her journey until she told me while I was giving her a manicure at the salon. Stephanie's optimisim and amazing personality has really been a HUGE help to me! She has given me so much advice that has really helped me. She has listened to my concerns, questions, and thoughts.. and has been nothing but a super trooper the whole time! She has taken me on much needed "Girls Days" which are one of the reasons I am still sane! haha Steph you are AMAZING!

I have 2 other Cancer Warriors, my dear friend Christina and Kenna, both have had similar cancers this past year, but are now doing so well! I have been able to learn so much from them as well! Kenna keeps me updated on new quotes, inspirational thoughts and stuff that come to her, and that have helped her! I love you girls!!

I just have to say I love my Cancer Warriors!! It's nice because though we are all at different stages of our journey, we are all in this fight together, and will all be able to learn from each other. I look up to my warriors!!

I started reading this AMAZING book called "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" (Hence the title of my entry) by Kris Carr... She too is a fellow Cancer Warrior, her book has brought so much insight to me and has helped me to look at this in a more "Lauren Way" she and I have similar outlooks, I can just tell.

Now, I can't have a blog and not mention the 3 most important people in my journey! Ed and Vicki Carey. My amazing parents and Brother.

I have never fully understood the love a parent has for a child until I saw the looks in their eyes when this journey began. I know that I will never fully understand that love until I have my own children someday, but I feel like I have a glimpse. I have always seemed to take my parents for granted (Never intentionally) This journey has helped me open my eyes. My Mom has been a huge help, she has taken on probably the most stressful part of all, the paperwork, insurance, record keeping (I am also doing my own record keeping, but she is doing the hardcore stuff). She has been so strong during this, and I am so grateful for that. I was looking through a scrapbook my Aunt Sheila made for me the year I graduated High School, and it was a scrapbook of my life up until that point. I saw pictures of me as a child with my brother, cousins, and relatives. But, the one that stood out the me the most was on where I was probably about 3 years old, I was holding a book and carrying it over to my Mom to show it to her. I just saw myself as a little girl and saw that love that my Mother had for me, and still has for me. She has been through so much healthwise so that I could even exisit. Why did it take me to long to realize that?? So, Thank you Mom! Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on whenever I was scared.. I know that I am a "tough egg to crack", and rarely show my emotions to you guys. Thank you for always giving me good advice! I do listen, even if it seems I am not. Sometimes, I don't understand myself, but I know that you do. You are my mother, you gave me life! I love you!! I dedicate this entry to the BEST MOM EVER. I love you MOM! I am so inspired by you! Don't ever forget that!

Padre, Oh Padre, I love you so much! We have been through alot together, I have probably caused you more anxiety that anything there is. But, I know that you love me. When I told you what the doctor said to me on the phone, and I saw your heart break right in front of me, it hit me, you are a person too. You have feelings just like I do. I have always seen you as Macho Dad, the one who rarely shows a sign of fear and weakness. Even when you were going through hard times, I never once saw the look of fear in your eye. I always knew that everything would be okay if you said it would. But, in that moment I could see it in your eyes that you had NO idea what to expect, I could see that you needed to be comforted just like I did. But, I am glad that we all found the strength that we needed during that time. Thank you for being my chauffeur and driving all the way to Tulsa for me, for researching all these healthy supplements to help get rid of my disease. I would be lost without you. Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself, and for instilling the "don't be negative" phrase in my mind. Your endless motivational speeches were never in vain, even if I pretended like I wasn't listening.. I was. Thank you to the best DAD ever!

Last but not least, Johnners! My amazing Brother.. I know that I seem to get annoyed with you alot (sorry about that.. I blame it on .. actually I have no excuse.. haha) You have been a huge source of strength for me. You have understood me better than anyone at times, I know its because we come from the same gene pool and have similiar thought processes.. mine are better though! (just kidding) You have ALWAYS been on my team, you have always stood up for me, even when I told you not too.. thats what a brother is supposed to do, ignore his sister and do what is right! So, Thank you for that.. I am so happy that you are happy and have found love! (I know you are probably not loving this whole spotlight thing.. but deal with it.. haha) You deserve the best and have found it!! Love you Johnners!

There are so many other people whom I am so Thankful for and whom have helped me so much! I haven't forgotten you I promise.. you know who you are! I mentioned you in my last blog..

..

Moving on quickly, I wrote about my "Cancer Warriors" because as I was reading Kris Carr's book today she talked about her Cancer Warriors.. she called her Cancer Posse the "Cancer Babes" , all these woman have been touched by cancer and have been surviving!

Right now, I am at the Treatment Center in Tulsa. Everyone here is so nice. I woke up at the crack of dawn to do consults and blood work. Tomorrow, my day is full of scans, PET, CAT, and the prep meeting for my Bone Marrow Biopsy which is Wednesday. The amazing part about the Bone Marrow Biopsy is that I will be asleep! The other docs I visited in KC said they wouldn't do that. Bless you CTCA in Tulsa! The only Bone Marrow Biopsy I have seen was on Grey's Anatomy, and it looked so painful, granted it is Hollywood.. After these tests they will know more. I more than likely won't start treatment for another week or so, I will know more tomorrow, but since I am so young I have to preserve my future kiddos, with chemo there is a risk of infertlity. You may think I am sharing too much, BUT, this is my journey, whether I tell you in person or on here its still the same. I have come to realize that this is my journey, I have cancer, BUT, I am not a cancer patient.. I am a cancer SURVIVOR, you are a survivior the day you are diagnosed. I am still the same Lauren as I was a month ago. I have learned to embrace HUMOR as a part of my healing, I am sure some people have no idea how to respond to that, but It has helped me alot. So, lets all laugh together, learn together and grow together..

I Love you Guys!!
Lauren

Meredith Grey: " You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

I love Grey's Anatomy, I love all the random yet inspirational/thought provoking (at times) quotes Meredith Grey says. Sometimes, I feel as though some of the things she says are exactly what I am feeling, or what I have felt or thought at times. Life is like a rollercoaster, we all know this. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, some expected, some not. Its constantly in motion, whether it be fast paced, or slow paced.

I have talked about how I felt when I heard the words "You have CANCER" over the phone. I have talked about how everyday up until that moment I allowed all of life's twists and turns, highs and lows really affect me. When I heard the words "You have CANCER" it was as if my life came to a sudden halt. I remember in those following moments, feeling every single negative emotion a person could possibly feel at once. FEAR, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, FEAR, Uncertainty, Panic, Stress, Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, FEAR. All those emotions I have become very familiar with throughout the course of my life. We are all faced with moments in our lives where those feelings are present. We don't necessarily have to be going through the same exact experiences as others to know those emotions. No matter what they are, those emotions/feelings of Fear, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, Uncertainty, Panic... they are all the same. They can consume our thoughts within seconds. Like a forest fire... at times they may seem almost uncontrollable. These are all emotions that as children, we really don't realize exist. We are so caught up in living, in dreaming, in "fairy tales" that the thought of going through hard times in life seems almost unreal.

....

I have been sitting here for the past 30 minutes, thinking of what else to say. My mind seems to be drawing a blank. You know, the doctors tell you that stress is the worst thing for cancer, or any life threatening illness for that matter. I guess I am having to learn how to NOT stress. I mean Yeah, I have cancer, but life continues. If I were a mother, I would still have to face my daily life with children. It doesn't just stop. I think that is the weirdest thing for me, about life NOT stopping. Let me start from the beginning of that thought. When I first found out about the cancer, and the days that followed, I saw people, everyone, living their lives. Talking about shopping, and going out, and dating and frustrations with their appearance. Things that I would typically talk about as well. But, in those days following my diagnosis, It was weird, I felt upset in a way, "Why are those things important?" was always a thought that crossed my mind. Life was continuing, people were still going about their daily routines and I was faced with a life threatening illness. I was reading one of my favorite books the other day "Tuesdays with Morrie", and when Morrie was diagnosed with ALS, (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which is a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement) he too felt the same way, "How are people still going about their lives, when mine has drastically changed?" Now, as selfish as that may sound, I don't mean it that way. But, it has been a thought that has crossed my mind a few times. I am not going to lie to everyone and say that this is a piece of cake. I mean physically I am fine. But then when I really stop to think about it and whats really going on, it can be so overwhelming. I had a mini breakdown yesterday. Everything that has been going on in my life (not just the cancer) all of a sudden just hit me, like a ton of bricks. I still feel a heaviness of anxiety, but it is slowly going away. My friends have told me that this is probably one of the first of many. (great! haha) But, if anything, this is teaching me to be a bit more vulnerable, to be more trusting and to let people in again.

I have to say I am so blessed, despite the real "HUMAN" emotions that I have talked about tonight. My friend was telling me how the Lord gives us "Guardian Angels" whether we see them or not. And you know, he is right. (Thank you for that!) I woke up today and reflected on the past few weeks and saw all the people in my life whom have picked me up when I had fallen these past few weeks, or have made me laugh when I was crying, or just told me that they cared. (I am slightly teary eyed as I am writing this) Thank you to my "Guardian Angels" ( you know who you are) who have really been a huge, huge support to me through this so far. I would be so lost without you. And to all of you who are reading my blog. Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. Just so you all know. I start treatment next week, I will be in Tulsa, OK at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. I am not too sure how often/long I will be there, but I do know, that I am ready to beat this. I am ready for all the victories ahead!

So, I guess if you take anything away from this. I hope you always remember that, it's okay to be scared, its okay to be sad, its okay to be stressed. I mean, we are all human, we don't have to be tough all the time. But, You have to pick yourself out of the rut you may be in.. because the worst thing you can do is to let those negative emotions last.. they don't accomplish anything...

Now.. in the words of Meredith Grey:

“Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.”

Life is a Gift

Hello Everyone!

So, it has been a few days since I have been on here, and I know everyone has been asking how I have been doing and such. Well, so far so good. I think the past few days it hadn't really hit me, I was still in shock mode. But now, it is seeming more real.

The first thought that came to me was the fact that I may possibly lose my hair. I was very concerned about that for a few days. I know it may sound silly, but that is how I felt. My friend Sonia told me that as a hairstylist, she has had a few clients that have gone through what I am going through, and that is always the number one fear. I have to admit, that was my number one fear. You would think the idea of having a serious disease would freak me out, but at the time it was the last thing on my mind.

But....

I have come to accept the fact that I may lose my hair. I have heard many different things, some people go completely bald, other's hair thins out. Either way, I am finally okay with that idea.

This past weekend, I have really taken the time to reevaluate my environment. Eliminating stress, decluttering and everything. I was reading in the WebMD magazine the other day while I was at the doctor's office, and there was an article that featured Christina Applegate, and that is exactly what she did when she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was inspired by her actions to not only to do some of the "environmental cleanup" but, to also continue to have a positive outlook.

People have been wondering how I have been feeling. Honestly, I feel fine. I know that it may not make sense, but this is probably one of the happiest times in my life. Again, that may sound twisted. But, if you listen to why I may feel that way, you will understand.

For the past 5 years I have literally been walking around with a dark cloud. There were a few times were I was so sad and depressed that I didn't understand what the point of life really was. Even though I knew Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us, I didn't feel that I fit into that plan. Now, I'm making it sound like I was in a bad state of mind. Think what you will. ...I look now at life and see that I wasn't really looking at life from its real perspective. When I got the phone call about 3 weeks ago that the possiblity of me having cancer was high, it was almost as if a switch flipped in my mind. It was as if I was looking at life from brand new eyes. It took a couple of days before I was able to see how truly blessed I am, and how truly blessed we all are. Even if life may seem bleak at times, we are all so blessed and so loved by our Heavenly Father and the people who surround us. Always remember that.

So, what have I been doing since I found out.? Living..

I have been living my life, laughing, singing, rejoicing. I have been able to spend time with amazing friends whether its singing karaoke, going to estate and garage sales, driving through the country listening to Mumford and Sons (my favorite band), playing with horses (yes, my friend's have horses on their land... I find that very cool) .. I have just been living, which is something I feel I have never really done. I would always just sit around waiting for my life to "fall into place" but I've realized that sometimes you just have to go out into the world, and live... they say to "live like it's your last day". Well, my last day is at leas 80 years away. But, I am starting now to live everyday as if it is a gift. Life is a gift, just look around and you will see how amazing it truly is.

So, this is why I say, this is probably the happiest I have ever been. Now, I know that kicking cancer's butt isn't going to be an easy journey, and I know I am going to have days where I may feel so physically low, but I am going to take it one day at a time.

The whole point of coming down to this earth is for us as children of our Heavenly Father to "endure" all trials and opposition in this life, so we are able to return to our Heavenly Father again. In order for us to become "perfected" like he is, we must be given adversity. It took me a long time to figure that out, until one day a good friend of mine, and someone whom I look up to so much said "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on stone" . Meaning, life can't be easy and simple in order for us to progress. It has to be hard like the "stone" so we become sharp and refined.

Anyway, I am always on "random topic changes". My mind is so crazy, I can literally think of about 10 different things, have a conversation with someone, and be completely aware of what is going on around me, all at the same time. That's talent. My first doctor's appointment is Wednesday, it will be a consultation to talk about treatment options. I am going to get a second opinion to ensure that I am 100% confident with everything is going on. They are going to run tests and such to make sure that the cancer is localized like it shows up on my CAT scan, and to make sure it hasn't metastasized. I don't think that it has, but I would rather be safe than sorry.

Now remember, I am still the same Lauren as before, I just have cancer, BUT it doesn't mean I am any different, I will beat this. And I am so grateful for every single one of you whom as blessed my life and have been on my team. You are all amazing. I love you all.

Lauren

Hello World!!

Hello Everyone!

This is my first blog entry, so bare with me. As many of you know, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is a form of cancer. Today was my first day, of knowing the truth. As I have been talking to so many of my loved ones, many of them had mentioned to me about possibly making a blog or something, just so I can write down my feelings, but also to be able to let every know what's going on during this mini journey in my life. It's not for people to feel sorry for me or anything, its just a way to express myself and to let people to know that everything is going to be okay.

Day 1:

I woke up at 5 am, wide awake. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. It's not the whole "Cancer" diagnosis that really gets me. I think it is more of not knowing what is going to happen next. I mean, I know that I will beat this, and that I am going to live a very long life, but still, it's intense. I think I feel more sad about how the people in my life may feel. I mean, this isn't something that is easy to share or soak in. But, I know that I accepted this trial before I came down to this earth, and that the Lord has a plan for me, and for all of you. Okay, now where was I? .. I woke up at 5 this morning, and literally laid in bed staring at the ceiling for about an hour. I started to think just about everything. I can't pinpoint exactly what "everything" is, but, its a lot. My Mom and Dad have been so wonderful through this. My Mom was on the phone all morning with doctors and the insurance company, so all the hard stuff is out of the way. She and I were literally on the phone for a few hours with one person at one point, but they got all the paperwork and files put together so I can start treatment. A friend of mine named John, is in a Business group with me. His wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, and has had No Evidence of Disease for 10 years now. Through Clinical Trials, Eastern and Western Wellness and Medicine, Acupuncture and all that jazz, Lori, is Alive and Thriving. Lori called me this morning and told me that she and John will be there every step of the way. They actually have a cancer foundation which they started together and have been able to help so many people whom have been touched by cancer.

What is Hodgkin's Lymphoma?

That was my question, I had heard of it a few times, a few relatives and peers of mine have been touched by this diease, but I still had no idea what it was.

According to the National Cancer Institute, Hodgkin's Lymphoma is " A cancer of the immune system that is marked by the presence of a type of cell called the Reed-Sternberg cell. The two major types of Hodgkin lymphoma are classical Hodgkin lymphoma and nodular lymphocyte-predominant Hodgkin lymphoma. Symptoms include the painless enlargement of lymph nodes, spleen, or other immune tissue. Other symptoms include fever, weight loss, fatigue, or night sweats. Also called Hodgkin disease."

So Basically, My cancer is in the lymph node near my collarbone. I still don't know too much about it. But, I do know that the mass is about 4 inches in diameter, and it is about 1 inch above my aorta, and very close to my lung. I had a needle biopsy about 2 weeks ago, and the results came back as "inconclusive". So, on Monday, the doctor's did a surgical biopsy and removed part of the tissue. From my own personal research, I would say I am in Stage 1. But, I will have to wait and see what the doctor's say next week to know for sure. Stage 2 is when the cancer has spread through the lymphatic system to the diaphragm.

This is also from the National Cancer Institute:

" This type of cancer is also called Hodgkin disease. Every year in the United States, more than 8,000 people learn they have this disease.

Cancer research has led to real progress against Hodgkin lymphoma. Most people diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma can now be cured, or their disease can be controlled for many years. Continuing research offers hope that, in the future, even more people with this disease will be treated successfully."

So, there in a nutshell is all that I know. I Love each and everyone of you, and am so grateful for your support, love, and prayers. Now, what we need to do, is to keep living life, and be happy, and this will be over in a breeze!

Love you!!!

Lauren :)

It's official!

Well, it's official! I am a college student.. once again!

I know it seems so random, but its a something I have been thinking about the past few months, and after this week, and talking to a few good friends, I feel as though now is the perfect timing. I am so happy about my decision!

Now, I will still be working as a hairstylist (it is my passion afterall) but, on my days off I will be in class. I thankfully have a few credits from attending college back in 2006 and 2007. So, if all goes according to plan, I will have my Associates Degree by January 2013. Unfortunately, I didn't take college too seriously back then, so I only have a few credits. But, it will work out perfectly, because my goal is to attend BYU to get my Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, so by that time my hours in a salon in MO will be able to transfer over to Utah. I will then be able to continue working in a salon. Utah also has BNI groups, so, I can build my clientele out there as well!

Look at me, jumping the gun a bit.

Anyway, I feel soooo good about this decision, I just know that it is right! Of course, its all about baby steps, so for now, I will be a student at the MCCKC schools for a few years. My first class starts in October, they didn't have very many options that would apply to my degree, so I am taking a Sociology course which I could count as an elective.

I am so pumped!

The Best Week EVER.

So, I have to admit, the past week and a half has probably been one of the "Best Weeks Ever". So many changes occured, and it has been AWESOME!

First, My cousin Chad came into town last week, it was the first time any of us kids on the Bruns side have seen him in 7, yes 7 years! Chad is 6 months older than me, which makes him 23. He lives out in Pittsburgh, and is so hilarious! He was only in town for a day, so a few of us cousins took him to Chappel's down in Northtowne for lunch with Grandma Bruns and Aunt Kathy. Our Grandpa was the Mayor of North Kansas City for the past 12 years, he takes so much pride in that city, which is so neat. He even had all of us grandkids names engraved on bricks, and they are placed at Dagg Park, which is across from the Police Station. Its actually really cool! So, in honor of the amazing brick, and Chad's visit, I took him to see it, he felt like he was on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

That night, my 2 cousins from the Carey side, came to KC. Morgan, whom is a month older than me, and Jordan whom is 24. They were living in Jersey selling alarm systems for the summer, and were on their way back home to Utah. The original plan was that they were going to stay in KC over night, and then leave the next day. But, that changed, and they stayed a week and a half! I cannot remember the last time I had so much fun with family! I mean, I love my family unconditionally (don't get me wrong) but having my other cousins whom I probably see once ever 3 years at our house was so cool! We (John, Morgan, Jordan, and Myself) all bonded sooooo much. So, they came to town last Tuesday around 10 pm. We took them to Buffalo Wild Wings, we thought it would be Epic to taste the "Blazin'" flavor wings (NOTE TO SELF: that "Flavor" could probably melt car paint.) Yeah we about died. The next day, I took the boys to my neck of the woods, downtown KC MO. We first went to this amazing vintage store called "The Boomerang" and tried on tons of clothes, and then we went to this awesome dive bar restaurant called "Grinders" (best pizza ever). Downtown KC has all these random murals painted on the sides of buildings, so we (being cool haha) got out of the car and posed next to them.

Having them here was a blast, we all realized that we have so much in common, and were really able to help each other out a ton. Morgan, Jordan, and I stained a deck together. So fun, we also celebrated Ramadan with a few friends from Jordan (The middle eastern country), ate at our Uncle's delicious italian restaurant Cascone's and just chilled.

I also, went on a super awesome Canoe Trip! Brittany Mayhugh and I were canoe partners and had a blast! We tipped probably about 3 times, but were laughing the WHOLE time. We are going again over Labor Day Weekend!!

This week has been so great. A great end to a Great Summer.


~ We had a bonfire at Aunt Pam's house, it was 90 degrees that night, with about 80% humidity.. we look amazing.. haha ~Left to Right: Jordan, John, Me, Morgan



~ We could be mistaken for models..



Jordan


A real life comic book

Morgan was thirsty







~One of the "Must Do's" Grinder's is signing the bathroom wall!


~Jordan's turn

I had pics from when Chad was here, but my camera died :( so I couldn't upload them

So, I have been writing about all these "enlightenment moments" and now I feel like I should just update on my life.

Well, This summer has been so wonderful, I have been able to hangout with family and old friends, and have even made new friends as well! Work has been so great. Slowly, but surely, I have been building up my clientele. I joined a business referal group called BNI. The group has 1 person from each career field in it, we meet weekly and discuss business, and pass on referals to different members of the group. It's the Giver's Gain! A good friend of mine, Morgan introduced me to it, it has helped me grow as a person so much as well as helping me to grow my business.

This weekend I am going on the Platte City 2nd Branch Float Trip! I am sooooo excited, I wasn't able to go last year because of school and such, but we leave this Friday and are going to Jack's Fork River. This is really going to be the last weekend that all of us friends are together, Janiece is moving out to Provo, Mary is getting ready to turn in her mission papers, I am attending a new singles branch, everyone is taking new directions in their lives. Its bittersweet, but its a great thing I am sure. My best friend Jimmy Sam, recently moved to San Diego, which has been weird because we were like brother and sister, but I know he is having a blast with Gabe and Katie! Life overall has been great though! Karen and I have been hanging at the pool more, and are planning a trip to Florida this March! I can't wait! A whole week on the beach! Sam, is finally home from Utah, I felt as though she was gone for ages, and Anie moved back to Trimble, I sure do miss our random girl nights.

Saturday was a bbq at Mike and Shannon Kester's home in LV. It was so much fun to see old friends again! I just love our group so much, its so neat to see everyone growing, and with their own families now! I am just so happy that they are happy.

I remember thinking that summer of 2008 was pretty much the best, but I do feel that summer of 2010 has been even better. I am looking forward to new things in my life and to just see where these next few months will take me.

Bring it on. Autumn!!



Rio Girls! at Katie's wedding!!


Pool Day with Karen and Jolene!!


Mary and I were singing our hearts out on 4th of July!




Cousin's Day out!


Anie and I going to the Visitor's Center!


Photoshoot!

Life...

Life has been so different these past few months, and for the first time in my entire life I feel content. Content with how my life is, content with everything. I think this is a lesson that Heavenly Father has been trying to teach me since the day I was born. Patience has NEVER been my strongest quality, and I know that I still have a ways to go, but, I feel as though I am finally understanding the Lord's plan for me. I have been reading so many different General Conference talks and Ensigh articles that have truly inspired me to do the Lord's work, and to be a better person. One talk given by Dieter Uchtdorf talks about Patience,

"Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.

Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."

.... He goes on to say...

"Patience is a godly attribute that can heal souls, unlock treasures of knowledge and understanding, and transform ordinary men and women into saints and angels. Patience is truly a fruit of the Spirit.

Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means reining in anger and holding back the unkind word. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be making others rich.

Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It means being “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon [us], even as a child doth submit to his father.”
Ultimately, patience means being “firm and steadfast, and immovable in keeping the commandments of the Lord” every hour of every day, even when it is hard to do so. In the words of John the Revelator, “Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and … faith [in] Jesus.”

Patience is a process of perfection. The Savior Himself said that in your patience you possess your souls. Or, to use another translation of the Greek text, in your patience you win mastery of your souls. Patience means to abide in faith, knowing that sometimes it is in the waiting rather than in the receiving that we grow the most. This was true in the time of the Savior. It is true in our time as well, for we are commanded in these latter days to “continue in patience until ye are perfected.”

I am just so blessed to have the gospel in my life, and to be blessed with so many AMAZING friends and family memember. Life is never easy, but its being patient and enduring that makes it worth while.

A New Day

These past few months have been very enlightening. It's truly amazing how the Gospel of Jesus Christ can literally heal your heart. Life is always full of adversity, but its the enduring that truly makes us stronger people.

Emma Smith once said that " none of us are born with strength, we have to find it." That is so true. Today I watched "Emma Smith, My Story" for the first time, I knew that she endured her fair share of trials just from reading and learning about her over the years. But, this movie put so many things into perspective for me. She was and is a REAL person. She had so many righteous desires for herself, her Husband, children and the Saints. She saw so much suffering and pain in her life, and even if her spirit was broken she continued to have faith in Christ. She lost so many children during their infancy, she had to watch her husband go through his own trials, I am sure she may have felt so helpless seeing him in pain. There was one point in the movie when Joseph was taken from Nauvoo to be tried in Missouri, they took him in the middle of the night. Just seeing her sobbing and pleading with the Savior for Peace, for Joseph's safety, and seeing her recieve that peace was so comforting. It literally brought tears to my eyes. I feel as though I could have related to her in that moment, that moment where life may seem so bleak, and you feel hopeless, but then in those moments of prayer when you feel the love of our Savior and Heavenly Father. Its so wonderful. Words can't even describe those feelings unless you feel them for yourself. I feel as though I have made a new friend. Even though she lived 200 years before I did, I know that someday I will be able to meet her and Thank her for her strength and faith.

I just am so grateful to be on this earth, this journey is not always going to be easy, but, its going to be worth it. I love my Heavenly Father, and his Son Jesus Christ so much, and am so thankful for all the obstacles I have been faced with, because I have been able to draw closer to them in those moments. I know that no matter what, they are always there, and they allow us to go through trials so we can become more like them, so we can gain experience. I always remember my favorite scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants secton 58: 2-4

"2 For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that akeepeth my commandments, whether in life or in bdeath; and he that is cfaithful in dtribulation, the ereward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven.

3 Ye cannot behold with your natural aeyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the bglory which shall follow after much tribulation.

4 For after much atribulation come the bblessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be ccrowned with much dglory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand. "

Papaya Art

I love Modern Art! My bestie/other half introduced me to this AMAZING website called Papaya Art. com

Who I am

I am: German, Welsh, Irish, Native American, and a mixture of a few others.....

This week I started watching Lisa Kudrow's new show called "Who Do You Think You Are". It was so cool to see her learn more about her own Heritage. The past few weeks I have taken more of an interest in it. I am thankful because my Grandma, and Aunt Sheila are so good about keeping up to date with our Geneology on the Bruns' side of the family. My Grandma and I are going to start working on it this week actually. And I can NOT wait! I remember, last Summer, going to a Family Reunion in Ludlow, Missouri. The only people I knew there were my parents, cousin Daniel, and Grandma, Grandpa, Grandad, and Sheila. It was neat because these were all my cousins on my Great Grandpa "Grandad" side. I had NO idea at how big my family is! Recently, my Dad's cousin, whom I have met a few times, found me on facebook, and because we started talking again, I have been able to connect with so many of my cousin's on my Dad's side of the family! It is so cool!

Blessed

... I have been so blessed the past few years... I have been blessed with an AMAZING family, Friends, Career.

My Family - is truly AMAZING. They have ALWAYS been there for me no matter what. Even when I was out making not so good choices, they still loved me unconditionally and were there for me. And because of that, I know I am in a much better place today. They are my rock, my foundation, my everything. I love them...







Friends: Friendships have always been important to me. When I was younger, I had a rough time making friends. I can remember years of loneliness, and sadness. I always wanted to feel excepted by my Peers. As I have gotten older, especially being in my early 20's, I feel as though I have created those lasting friendships that I have ALWAYS yearned for. I love my friends like they are a 2nd family to me.