strength

I feel strength when I listen to beautiful music. I feel strength when I hear stories of people who have overcome adversity and affliction. I feel strength around good people. I feel strength when I am working on goals. I feel strength when I envision my future. I feel strength in pain. I feel strength knowing I am a child of Heavenly Father. Knowing that he has a plan for me and for every single person on this earth.

those are my thoughts .. They are short and simple, but I stand behind them.

Flowers in Your Hair

Remember my little Hero whom I mentioned a few weeks back? Well, I received an update. She is doing well! The chemo has shrunk her tumors by 85%! This news makes me so happy. Unfortunately, she will have to do 30 more weeks of chemo. 30 weeks.. I cannot even imagine. This sweet little girl is the strongest girl I know. Well, one of the strongest, I feel anyone who is fighting for their lives against a deadly disease deserves recognition for their strength and courage. I'm not trying to say that you guys need to give me recognition or anything, I am talking about the other survivors and fighters.

Reality hit me a few days ago, a patient whom I met and became friends with down in Tulsa passed away on Saturday. He was so strong. When his wife called to tell me the news I was devastated, devastated for her, for her family. I went to his funeral last night, It made me realize how serious cancer really is. I still see myself as invincible. None of us are, that's why it is so important not to take life for granted, not to hold back, and not to ever give up on anything. (unless it's a bad habit)

I was talking to an acquaintance of mine today at the salon. She is the Vice President of Gilda's Club here in KC. She and I were able to talk and such, which was nice, we were talking about people who are touched by cancer, it not only affects the person, it affects their family, their friends, their circle of trust. It's something that one will always have to wonder about, not necessarily worry about constantly, but it is something that will always be apart of a Cancer Survivor's life. I hadn't really thought about that before. I mean I figured once I was done with treatments, I would be done and never have to worry about it. But, I agree with her, it will always be a part of me, I will always have to get regular scans done to make sure it hasn't come back, or to make sure I don't have a different kind. I may always have to wonder when I find a random lump. (at least I know I won't put it off for 6 months like I did last time) IT will ALWAYS be a part of me. But, I see it also as a good thing, it has changed me, it has taught me, it has hurt me, but it hasn't taken away my strength. It may have stolen my hair and my vanity. It may have invaded my body without permission, but, it hasn't won. I am the one who is winning. Just thinking about that, keeps me from dreading going down to Tulsa to get hooked up to a machine for 5 hours. Well, I still dread it, but, It at least puts things in perspective. And allows me to have a bit of peace of mind. It's crazy, as soon as I start to think about the IV, I instantly get that metallic taste in my mouth, the one that lasts for several days after the chemo. I instantly feel sick to my stomach, because that is usually how I feel right after. It's crazy at how powerful the mind really is.

I was looking at the calendar today.. about 30 days (give or take) left of chemo. I never thought I would see the day. I remember starting the countdown when it was over 100 days. Time certainly flies, and I am okay with that for the time being.

Anyway, I am again so grateful for each and everyone one of you, especially my dear, dear friends and family. The ones who have been their for me since day 1. The ones who talk to me, listen to me, cheer me up or comfort me when I am scared or upset. I am thankful for the prayers and the support. I am thankful for the Savior and Heavenly Father for giving me the strength I have needed to get through this journey
I am thankful for life!

I am thankful for Art

I am thankful for so many things.... All of you whom I "tagged" in the "Cancer Survivor" picture.

Thankful for my new salon! My business (which is growing.. by the way... you all are MORE than welcome to come visit me at RIO!! Call 816-587-5299 and make your appt today!... I had to take advantage of the opportunity to promote myself.. thank you for understanding)

Thankful for good books..

Thankful for all the random documentaries I have been able to watch... (BJ, I knew you would like that one.. haha thank you for listening to all my random facts that won't ever help you in life.. unless you have to gut a Moose in Alaska)

Thankful for my dear friends Kelly, Karen, Marla and your wonderful family, Morgan, Sonia and the Rio Girls, Alyssa, Whitney and your wonderful family as well, Brittany, James, Jessica, Kate, Katie.. and So many other dear ones!!

ReDisCover..........

Life is just amazing! I have 3 more rounds of chemo left, and then according to the docs.. NO MORE! I will have to do radiation, but won't know how much and for how long until March, which is totally fine with me. When the doctor told me that glorious news on Monday I literally shouted for joy! I think that was the best news I have heard in a long time.. it will be EVEN better when I hear the words "Cancer Free". (soon!! soon!! April perhaps???)

SO, with this journey, I have realized that I am so different now. Maybe I am more grown up, more chill, less stressed.. I don't know.. but I do know that I have been thinking of so many different ways to "re discover myself".

Well, I did it! I finally re-discovered an old passion of mine! Many of you may know what I am talking about because it is plastered all over my facebook page. ART!!

I originally study Fashion Design and Merchandising in College, and took design/drawing classes and such. I knew that I never wanted to be in the Fashion Industry, but I loved the creativity and that there are no boundaries. So, a few years back I discovered my baby, HAIR DESIGN. I love it.. love love love it! It makes me so happy, when I am creating a new look for someone, I just love to be able to envision the finished result. I love making people feel beautiful, confident and happy. Okay, so I love creativity, that is the point I am trying to make.

Over the years, I have met many different people, a few of my dear friends are in the Art Industry, and Fashion industry. Every time we would get together and I would see their art, photography, designs, etc I would just feel this rush, like "I love that, I am still supposed to do that" but that lovely little voice in my head.. you guys know the one, we all have it.. it would say "It's too late, you are too old.. blah blah blah"....

Well, I am glad that I am ignoring that lovely voice.

I knew that when I was done with Cancer.. I wanted to do something to represent the strength, pain, courage, time that was spent on this journey. I know I have talked about the Mumford and Sons lyrics that got me through those nights where I felt like my body was attacking itself (in reality it was freaking out because of the chemo)

"I'll find strength in Pain" .... I would repeat that or sing those words to myself... all the time.. I still do.. I love them and I love Mumford and Sons for that very reason, they helped me get through this journey.. now if you really listen to their lyrics, you may think "wow.. that has nothing to with happiness and surviving and such" But, it wasn't necessarily the "words" that have gotten me through. It was the music, the instruments, the beautiful melodies. That is what did it. It was the beautiful singing voices of Marcus Mumford, Ben Lovett, Wintston Marshall, and Ted Dwane.

Then the AMAZING phrase that I love. "Kia Kaha" - Forever Strong.. it's strong, its empowering.. I am so happy that my cousin started saying that to me the other day. It has stuck with me.

So, after thinking and pondering, I knew I wanted to make a painting. Paintings are like tattoos, they are both ART.. except this one I could hang on my wall instead of my body (My Mom and Dad are going to love this sentence so much .. haha I love you Padre and Madre!)

So... I thought about this painting.. long and hard.. One of my best friends, Karen, is finishing up Art School. I have always been inspired by her art. It's very absract and colorful.... She has created so many amazing paintings.. And I actually was given one of them as a present a few years back. So, I talked to Karen and told her of my idea! She was on board! So, that weekend Karen, Kelly, and Myself went to an Art Studio that Karen uses downtown and got to work.

During this process, an artist was born! haha

So, I have it figured out. I have been trying to figure this out for years actually!!
I am so excited about this journey, I have been drawing and painting and learning and studying the past few days, and will continue to do so until the day I die.. (80 years from now)




.:~* It's almost finished!*~:.





.:~* The Chanel Painting. By Karen D.. Coco Chanel is my Inspiration .. I could talk about her for hours and hours*~:.




.:~* One of Karen's more recent ones! Water colors*~:.

Create

I love this video so much!

chocolate rain

I've been thinking alot the past few hours. Just reflecting on everything, literally everything. I have moments like that. It wasn't anything stressful. I suppose I was reminiscing about everything. Interactions with people, memories, conversations, experiences, all of that. Yesterday, I found my journal from last year, I read it and was able to feel gratitude, I'm grateful for every experience (good and bad) that I have had. I wouldn't change anything about the journey I have been on since the day I was born. Every single experience has made me who I am today.

Do you ever listen to music that reminds you of a good time in your life? I do. Right now it's my favorite band Mumford and Sons. I started listening to them last summer and listened to them a lot in the fall. Especially, when I was first diagnosed with cancer. The music reminds me of one of the calmest moments I had. (im typing this blog from my phone and am limited on how many times I can go back and re write a sentence, so please excuse me if some of the sentences don't flow) Like I said, October, listening to Mumford and Sons was a calm moment in my life. I spent many of my days out in the country with 2 dear friends of mine. We all shared laughs, and memories. I learned how to shoot a rifle, learned how to make a fire in a wood burning stove, learned how to make hummus, learned so much. It was the first time in my life in years where I was able to let go, breathe and live. I needed that month in my life to get where I am today. I needed my 2 dear friends at that time to grow. To let go of all the petty stressors in life. I needed them to cry to, vent to, talk to. And in return they both ( at different time) lifted me up, raised me up, stood up for me. And for them I am forever grateful. I wish nothing more for them than to continue to find the happiness that they deserve. I know they are both finding it.

So, Morgan and Noah, this blog is for you. You guys are my brothers, you helped me more than you realize when I needed friends the most. You guys have been on my mind lately and I want you guys to know how grateful I am for the adventures we have had. You guys are amazing. I can't wait to see where life takes both of you.


Always remember Kuato and "Chocolate Rain" (indian horse pose)

January 12 ... It was a great one!

Expectations... MET!!


During the day I hungout with my dear friend Brianne.. We met up and literally chilled all day, it was low key but so much fun.

Anyway, Brianne and I go waaaaaayyyy back. We met at the Sno Cone Shack where we used to work (haha good times). She has taught me so much, haha, so much, I am grateful for all the fun memories we have over shared over the years.

Here is the most recent photo of us.. lame it's from like 3 years ago. Actually, I have one from last Halloween, but it's on my other computer.







Then, this evening, my dear friend Kelly (Whom I mentioned in a previous post) and I met up for dinner, and watched "The Social Network". Well, she watched it, I don't think I was paying too much attention, I was talking to my cousin and reading different articles online. Some of you may know, actually only a few people know (until now) my obsession with google.com, I just love it! You can find so many interesting things there.


The only reason why I've written 2 blogs in one day is because I was so excited about today being January 12. Like I said before, I love this day, I wonder what January 12, 2012 will be like??


hmmm.......

January 12

January 12 has always been a good day for me.

It was the day of a date with a boy I loved a long while back.
It was the day I started Cosmetology School, and embarked on a new career path. One that I have always longed for.
It was the day I started at my home away from home. Rio Salon. I met my 2nd family there.
It was a day where I realized that happiness comes from the simple things.
It was a day where I discovered true friendship.
It was a day I have always enjoyed, good things always seemed to happen.


January 12th is just a good day for me. So, let's see if it lives up to it's expectations.


Everyone have an Awesome Day! And remember to SMILE!!

Kia Kaha

"Kia Kaha" - "a Māori phrase used by both the Māori and Pākehā (European) people of New Zealand. It means forever strong and is used as an affirmation. The phrase has significant meaning for both the Māori and Pākehā people of New Zealand. "

This affirmation is what my cousin Jordan shared with me today. It's simple, but powerful.


This past week has been interesting. At the beginning, I was so sick from the chemo, (probably the second worst I have ever felt and it lasted longer). This then instilled all these unnecessary fears. You know the ones, the "what if" fears. I'm really not a fan of those. "What if this happens..", "What if that happens.." Not very productive, I know. I had a moment where I was feeling sorry for myself and was really down, I'm not gonna lie, chemo is hard, it's so hard on your body. It's basically a controlled poison, that is injected through my chest into my veins. Everyday is different, so I never know how I am going to feel. So, like I said before, I had a pity party and everyone who was in ear shot was invited whether they wanted to be or not. :)

I think it's because I haven't really fully accepted the fact that I have cancer. I don't think I even know how to fully accept it. I don't know if anyone really can. I don't even think I have really allowed myself to think about it, like really think about it, and really feel all of the feelings that go along with it. (that was a lengthy sentence.. sorry English Majors) Well, until last week. So, last week was actually necessary for this journey. Before last week, (so a few weeks ago) I remember praying to the Lord, praying to know what I was supposed to learn from this experience, I felt like I was forgetting. I prayed that I would be able to fully understand why this was happening to me, prayed to become more humble during this time and to be able to fully rely on the Lord for everything. Let me tell ya, he answered that one. But, as I look back now, while writing this, I've learned so much, just in the past few days.

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A friend of mine sent me a page request on facebook the other day. It was for the "Lymphoma and Hodgkin's Disease Awareness and Survivors Club". At first, I really didn't look at the page, only because talking, reading, listening, basically any action word that could be used with the topic of Hodgkin's Lymphoma freaks me out. I know I talk about it, but I don't talk about it... Which may or may not be healthy, I don't know. Anyway, the other day I clicked on the page and started reading some of the posts. There are so many people who are dealing with this, it was nice to hear their stories. But there was one in particular that really struck me. (And now looking on the page again, I can't find it...) But, it basically said "as a cancer fighter, you have no right to give up, especially when it gets unbearable, painful, scary, hard, etc"

I thought about that for a while. A long while. And I'm still thinking about it now. I really like that, I like that a HL Survivor wrote it so a HL fighter like me could see it and be reminded. Not that I was going to give up, but sometimes you wanna stop. Not quit, but just take a break from all the medicine, doctors, blood work, etc.

So, Thank you HL Survivor, whom I cannot find on the page, your strength, experience and wisdom have given me that extra boost to face the short, rocky road ahead. And then I will be a HL Survivor like you, and will be able to help those fighters find the strength that they have inside of them.

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I have a favorite band. Mumford and Sons. They are an English, Folk, Rock Band, who use accordians, guitars, keyboards, and drums. Anyway, they are amazing, I love them. There is one song in particular that is always in my head. It's called "The Cave". There is one line that I love, that I repeat to myself when the going gets tough.
"I'll find strength in pain" . I love that line.


Anyway, if you haven't noticed yet, my mind is on constant topic change. I bounce from one topic to the next and back again within minutes. So, thank you for enduring. :)

Fact of the Day

I love my family. Especially my cousins. Well, I love them all, but cousins are just awesome. Anyway, I get home from work and my phone starts beeping, I have new text message. I pick up my phone and see that Daniel, my amazing cousin, the guy version of me (except a few years older) has sent me a text. I open it, read it.. and realize its one of those facts that has no impact on my life and will be useless in any scenario. But, that is what is so wonderful about 'Random Facts'. However, it did make me laugh. They always do. So, I respond back with something random and witty as usual. Telling him to send me another one.

This is what he said: "Humans smell in 'stereo', when we smell stuff each nostril sends signals to different parts of the brain, so we can tell what direction the smell is coming from " - Daniel (Lauren's Cousin)


the end. I love my cousin!

My Hero

I have a hero. She is 5 years old. She lives in here in KC and is fighting a cancer that is far worse than mine. She has done more chemo than I have, and and will probably have to do it a lot longer than I will. My mom told me about her and showed me an article that was written.

I had a moment yesterday, this journey has been hard, but, its necessary and I know it. I was sitting on the stairs with tears in my eyes telling my mom that I wanted more than anything to be done with my treatments, that I wanted to be back living a normal life again, having a normal body again, and all that jazz, that is when she showed me the article, she said she had been waiting for the right time to tell me about it. This brave little girl sometimes feels the same way that I do. But, her mom always tells her "One more is one less" when it comes to each chemo treatment. That is my 5 year old Hero's mantra, and I have decided to embrace that one.

short and simple

Today was the end of my 4 round of chemo. I cannot believe how fast time has flown. I feel I become a different person each time I come down to Tulsa. I'm grateful for it. There are so many thoughts on my mind right now. All good thoughts of course. You know, I was talking to one of the nurse's today, she was asking me about my interests and such, I had no idea how to answer. It's weird because all the minor things that I used to obsess over, worry about, or loved more than anything aren't as importan to me now. I still have my moments where I obsess or worry, but not as much as I used to.

My thoughts today are short and simple. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that
the cancer is shrinking. I am grateful for loved ones (friends and family). I am grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ, and Heavenly Father. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for them. I feel so blessed.
This journey hasn't been easy. I have had many moments of happiness and joy. And many moments of tears and pain. There were moments where I felt like I couldn't endure the physical changes, pain, and discomfort any longer. But, it was in those moments where I felt the mercy of the Lord, and felt the love and prayers from many. Words cannot express how grateful I am for each and everyone of you, especially those individuals who have been a part of this journey with me firsthand. I wouldn't have been able to do this without you. My prayer is that the Lord blesses each and everyone of you, as he as me.

Always remember how amazing life is, treasure it.

My Weird Passion...

Wow. I cannot believe it is a new year. January 1, 2011. Happy Birthday Jimmy Sam!! You are my best friend, my brother (obviously not blood related). You have seen me at my lowest, highest, craziest, funniest, saddest, happiest, etc. You are the one who hears all my exciting stories first! I am proud of you and miss you like Crazzzzyyyyyy....!! Happy 24th Malingshu! (what would a blog post be without a shout out?) Anyway, I never thought it (2011) would get here. Every January 1, I am able to look back a reflect on my life, all the things that have happened the previous years, all the things I have overcome, all the progress I have made. Some years have been better than others, but today as I look back, I feel different. I can't quite explain it, but I do. It's a good different of course.

I always ask myself, "What was I doing a year ago?". I finished Cosmetology School, was prepping for my state boards, figuring out what friendship truly meant, getting ready to start working with my wonderful Rio Family. It's crazy at how fast time has flown by. I'm grateful because the past few months I have allowed myself to slow down and enjoy every moment. I have been able to learn so much about myself, and about others. That is what I love about life, is learning. It's a constant learning process, and I look forward to so many more experiences where I can progress and grow. :)


Now, I was re-reading some old blog posts from the end of 2009/beginning of 2010, and I found one that I absolutely love, for those of you who know me really well, you will remember my weird passion for NASCAR and Cars.... I decided to repost it, in honor of the New Year (though it has nothing to do with it.) Enjoy!

" Toyotas, Scions, Chevrolets.. Oh My!

So I have come to the conclusion that I am obsessed with cars. I'm sure this is not a typical girl interest. I can remember when exactly when this interest was born.

Back in 2007 I started working full time for a lovely NASCAR company. During that time I had just left Victoria's Secret, and was used to being around everything girlie. At first, I really had no desire to learn about Jeff Gordon, Kyle Petty, Monte Carlo Chevrolets, and Ford Mustangs. But, as time progressed, I found that I seemed to absorb all this information about them as if I were a sponge. I soon began to LOVE to learn anything I could about cars. I loved the colors, designs, models, whether or not they were an automatic or a 5 speed.

With this job I was able to see so many different models of not only NASCAR vehicles, but also vintage and sports cars! We used to go to the Rotary Club and see all the beautifully restored cars, sparkling in the light. I loved it! I soon realized that I wanted to drive these beauties too, but there was one problem, the majority of them were 5 speed. So, I decided to take the step, I purchased my very own 5 speed transmission car. I had NO idea how to drive it at the time, but after many trys, I officially learned how to operate a 5 speed transmission vehicle. I was uber stoked! If only my friend would have let me drive his Porsche Boxter....




So there you have it, I should have been a dude."




Happy New Year!!