I feel so full of light.
I love Our Father in Heaven, I love His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.
My heart is full, I feel as though i have finally received the peace and closure that I have been searching for the past year.
I feel as though I am being made whole again, slowly, but surely, I am getting there.
That is a Christmas Miracle for me, in of itself.
I feel joyous.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
As I am laying here, I began to think about the past few months. Every moment that I can recall. Every emotion I have felt. Every thought that has crossed my mind.
I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.
I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.
I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.
I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.
I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.
That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.
Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.
I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.
I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.
The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.
That was the start for me.
I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.
I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.
I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.
I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.
Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.
This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.
Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.
Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.
I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.
I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.
I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.
I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.
I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.
That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.
Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.
I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.
I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.
The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.
That was the start for me.
I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.
I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.
I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.
I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.
Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.
This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.
Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.
Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A Moment of Bliss
I walked out of class tonight, it was raining, cold, and gross outside.
I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.
I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.
It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.
I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.
I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.
I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.
These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)
I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.
I feel bliss right now.
That's all I can say :)
Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"
~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.
~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)
~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.
~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)
~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!
~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.
I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.
I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.
It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.
I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.
I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.
I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.
These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)
I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.
I feel bliss right now.
That's all I can say :)
Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"
~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.
~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)
~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.
~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)
~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!
~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sequined Slippers and Un-Brushed Hair
The past few Sunday's I have been teaching the 7 year olds in Primary. I forgot how funny kids are.
They are so knowledgeable and so full of light.
They also say and ask the funniest things.. sometimes the words that come out of their mouth may come across as rude, but I find them hilarious.
Like today for example...
I was very tired and I accidentally showed up for my class in my black, sequin slippers. I forgot that I was wearing them around the house when I was getting ready for church this morning.
One little girl in my class was very puzzled as to why I wore "slippers" to church. Every 5 minutes or so as I was teaching the lesson, she would raise her hand and ask me the same question..
"Sister Carey?? How come you are wearing your slippers?"
or
"Sister Carey?? Didn't your Mom tell you that slippers are supposed to be worn at home?"
I couldn't help but smile and chuckle everytime she asked me about my foot wear.
She was VERY concerened about why a grown up would accidentally wear slippers to church.
It was adorable...
The NEXT funny moment.. was when we had finished our lesson and it was time to go back into the Primary Room with all the other kids so they could sing a closing song and have a closing prayer.
One of the girls in my class turned to me and said..
"Sister Carey? Did you forget to brush your hair?"
haha.. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing... I actually had "Brushed" my hair and styled it .. basically like I normally do. But, to a 7 year old.. the hairstyle looks very messy..
I love teaching the Primary Kids! They make me laugh and bring me so much Joy!
They are so knowledgeable and so full of light.
They also say and ask the funniest things.. sometimes the words that come out of their mouth may come across as rude, but I find them hilarious.
Like today for example...
I was very tired and I accidentally showed up for my class in my black, sequin slippers. I forgot that I was wearing them around the house when I was getting ready for church this morning.
One little girl in my class was very puzzled as to why I wore "slippers" to church. Every 5 minutes or so as I was teaching the lesson, she would raise her hand and ask me the same question..
"Sister Carey?? How come you are wearing your slippers?"
or
"Sister Carey?? Didn't your Mom tell you that slippers are supposed to be worn at home?"
I couldn't help but smile and chuckle everytime she asked me about my foot wear.
She was VERY concerened about why a grown up would accidentally wear slippers to church.
It was adorable...
The NEXT funny moment.. was when we had finished our lesson and it was time to go back into the Primary Room with all the other kids so they could sing a closing song and have a closing prayer.
One of the girls in my class turned to me and said..
"Sister Carey? Did you forget to brush your hair?"
haha.. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing... I actually had "Brushed" my hair and styled it .. basically like I normally do. But, to a 7 year old.. the hairstyle looks very messy..
I love teaching the Primary Kids! They make me laugh and bring me so much Joy!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My cousin shared this quote with me the other day, and I loved it.
"What if you woke up today with only the things you remembered to thank the Lord for yesterday"
I really like that, I can tell you that somedays I may not recognize my blessings, and I don't express my gratitude for them.
I feel so much gratitude right now. One year ago tomorrow, I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the weight I instantly carried, the fear, the unanswered questions. The hardest part was telling the ones I loved what was going on.
I never thought I would be healthy today, I thought the rest of my life would be filled with chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I thought I would spend the rest of my days full of physical pain as the cancer and the chemotherapy both fought to stay in my body. I thought I would be bald for the rest of my life. That may sound dramatic, but I had no idea what to expect in the midst of all the chaos.
I spent many nights feeling sick, scared, angry, and insecure.
But, I always knew deep down, that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how it was going to be okay, but I just knew.
Once I first heard the words that the cancer was in remission, I felt like I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I had expectations. I expected my body to be completely back to normal, expected to have a full head of hair again, instantly.
It took time, but things have gotten back to normal again. I spent many months after chemo, trying to figure out my life. Trying to figure out what the next step for me was. I began to also feel many emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I was angry again. I was hurt. I was in shock that something so traumatic happened to me. I began to feel pride amd emnity towards people. I pushed people away. I began to tell myself that the only person I needed in my life was me and no one else. I knew that I was the only person that I could control. And that I wouldn't break my own heart. I wouldn't cause myself to have cancer again. I felt I didn't need anyone.
That thought process led me to become bitter and hardened. I didn't feel like myself at all, and I was okay with that.
I realize now that many cancer survivors and survivors of any kind of traumatic event can have similar feelings and experiences.
I woke up one day and literally felt renewed. I decided that I wanted to serve others again. "Forget yourself and go to work" those words were from President Gordon B. Hinkley's father.
As I did this, I began to feel softened again. I began to see how mericiful God truly is. I began to see my blessings.
I've been able to finally move on with my life. Leaving the past behind me and letting go of negativity. It hasn't been easy.
I now look forward to my future and have decided that I don't have time to be sick. I have so many goals I am in the process of achieving. I know I wouldn't be able to without the Lord.
"What if you woke up today with only the things you remembered to thank the Lord for yesterday"
I really like that, I can tell you that somedays I may not recognize my blessings, and I don't express my gratitude for them.
I feel so much gratitude right now. One year ago tomorrow, I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the weight I instantly carried, the fear, the unanswered questions. The hardest part was telling the ones I loved what was going on.
I never thought I would be healthy today, I thought the rest of my life would be filled with chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I thought I would spend the rest of my days full of physical pain as the cancer and the chemotherapy both fought to stay in my body. I thought I would be bald for the rest of my life. That may sound dramatic, but I had no idea what to expect in the midst of all the chaos.
I spent many nights feeling sick, scared, angry, and insecure.
But, I always knew deep down, that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how it was going to be okay, but I just knew.
Once I first heard the words that the cancer was in remission, I felt like I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I had expectations. I expected my body to be completely back to normal, expected to have a full head of hair again, instantly.
It took time, but things have gotten back to normal again. I spent many months after chemo, trying to figure out my life. Trying to figure out what the next step for me was. I began to also feel many emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I was angry again. I was hurt. I was in shock that something so traumatic happened to me. I began to feel pride amd emnity towards people. I pushed people away. I began to tell myself that the only person I needed in my life was me and no one else. I knew that I was the only person that I could control. And that I wouldn't break my own heart. I wouldn't cause myself to have cancer again. I felt I didn't need anyone.
That thought process led me to become bitter and hardened. I didn't feel like myself at all, and I was okay with that.
I realize now that many cancer survivors and survivors of any kind of traumatic event can have similar feelings and experiences.
I woke up one day and literally felt renewed. I decided that I wanted to serve others again. "Forget yourself and go to work" those words were from President Gordon B. Hinkley's father.
As I did this, I began to feel softened again. I began to see how mericiful God truly is. I began to see my blessings.
I've been able to finally move on with my life. Leaving the past behind me and letting go of negativity. It hasn't been easy.
I now look forward to my future and have decided that I don't have time to be sick. I have so many goals I am in the process of achieving. I know I wouldn't be able to without the Lord.
Monday, October 10, 2011
I belong to the Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
I believe in Jesus Christ.
I am a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints.
It is his church, not Joseph Smith's, not Moses', not Abraham's. But, Jesus Christ's church.
Christ has ordained Prophets on the Earth, back in the days of old. And even today. Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He restored the fullness of the Gospel (the Lord's church) back to the Earth. He was an amazing instrument in the Lord's hands.
We are so blessed to have a living prophet on the earth again.
Thomas S. Monson, This is a testimony of his from the April 2011 General Conference, I read it earlier and felt so much love and peace.
"Now, before we leave today, may I share with you my love for the Savior and for His great atoning sacrifice for us. In three weeks’ time the entire Christian world will be celebrating Easter. I believe that none of us can conceive the full import of what Christ did for us in Gethsemane, but I am grateful every day of my life for His atoning sacrifice in our behalf.
At the last moment, He could have turned back. But He did not. He passed beneath all things that He might save all things. In doing so, He gave us life beyond this mortal existence. He reclaimed us from the Fall of Adam.
To the depths of my very soul, I am grateful to Him. He taught us how to live. He taught us how to die. He secured our salvation.
As I close, may I share with you touching words written by Emily Harris which describe so well my feelings as Easter comes:
The linen which once held Him is empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean.
The door stands opened.
The stone is rolled away,
And I can almost hear the angels singing His praises.
Linen cannot hold Him.
Stone cannot hold Him.
The words echo through the empty limestone chamber,
“He is not here.”
The linen which once held Him is now empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean
And oh, hallelujah, it is empty."
Now I share with you MY testimony. I know that Jesus Christ is real and came down to this earth so we would be able to have the opportunity to learn of Him and our Father in Heaven. He died for us and atoned for our sins so we could be able to return to live with Him one day. I know this to be true. It was something that I was taught from the time I was a little girl, I took the time to learn of it for myself. I took the time to study the scriptures (the Bible and the Book of Mormon) and to pray to know of the truthfulness of them both.
I am NOT perfect. I have made many mistakes in my life (as we all do), I have found God and lived my life so he could be a part of it. I have also pushed him out of my life many times too. I have since realized that having a relationship with our Heavenly Father is such a beautiful thing. Life is not easy, it was never meant to be. And by being the best we can be and by living a "Christ Centered" life, we will be able to feel of his love and comfort.
I am grateful for that knowledge. Grateful for my family, my dear friends, my career, my opportunity to continue my education, my good health, my cancer scars... to remind of the battle I fought, my memories, my weaknesses and my past mistakes ... to remind me of how much I have overcome, my doctors ... who saved my life, my talents that I never acknowledged I had, the next chapter of my life.. I finally have it figured out (for now.. which is such a relief, it only took my all summer)
I am grateful for Life. For Survival. For Cancer.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Good News!!
Remember my little Hero I wrote about earlier this year?
My 5 year old Hero with the very aggressive cancer?
Well, I just found out that she has finished her chemotherapy AND had her port removed. They sent me a photo and her beautiful hair is growing back!
She started Kindergarten and has a loose tooth!
She is amazing. We did it Hero, we BEAT Cancer.
My 5 year old Hero with the very aggressive cancer?
Well, I just found out that she has finished her chemotherapy AND had her port removed. They sent me a photo and her beautiful hair is growing back!
She started Kindergarten and has a loose tooth!
She is amazing. We did it Hero, we BEAT Cancer.
Monday, October 3, 2011
I Love...
My Family
The Savior and Heavenly Father
The Gospel
My Friends (especially the ones who are my second family)
Karen Daugherty.. I would be so lost without you Sister!
My Career
Alyssa Evans (my future business partner!)
My little Rylee (She has saved my life)
My Work Family
Raw Food
Education
The Fall Weather
Campfires
Leaves
Becky and the girls! (My soul sister!)
Rugged Attire
The Color Red
The Color Yellow
Singing at the top of my lungs
Dancing
Traveling
Living Life to the Fullest
My Dear friend Kate Feider!
Christina (The hardest worker I know)
Whitney and Jet (my cute friends)
Joy (My rocker buddy!)
Brie and Morgan (My second family)
Kristina (my oldest friend)
Mumford and Sons
Sweaters
Black Skinny Jeans (My wardrobe staple)
Scarves
Lawrence, Kansas
Makeup.. Especially MAC makeup
Adventures
The Countryside
Weston
Parkville
The Mountains
Being Outside
Exploring
Boots
The Savior and Heavenly Father
The Gospel
My Friends (especially the ones who are my second family)
Karen Daugherty.. I would be so lost without you Sister!
My Career
Alyssa Evans (my future business partner!)
My little Rylee (She has saved my life)
My Work Family
Raw Food
Education
The Fall Weather
Campfires
Leaves
Becky and the girls! (My soul sister!)
Rugged Attire
The Color Red
The Color Yellow
Singing at the top of my lungs
Dancing
Traveling
Living Life to the Fullest
My Dear friend Kate Feider!
Christina (The hardest worker I know)
Whitney and Jet (my cute friends)
Joy (My rocker buddy!)
Brie and Morgan (My second family)
Kristina (my oldest friend)
Mumford and Sons
Sweaters
Black Skinny Jeans (My wardrobe staple)
Scarves
Lawrence, Kansas
Makeup.. Especially MAC makeup
Adventures
The Countryside
Weston
Parkville
The Mountains
Being Outside
Exploring
Boots
Friday, September 16, 2011
I have so many goals!
I am happpy.
I think I may have some weird mood disorder.
One minute I can be sad or mad.
And the next, I am happy and giddy.
Oh wait, that's pretty much the definition of a Female.
I don't feel so bad now.
I think EVERYONE should check out Pinterest ,.... its AMAZING!
Oh and check out Kate Feider Photography on Facebook!!! Or her Website.. she is talented beyond everything.
I am happpy.
I think I may have some weird mood disorder.
One minute I can be sad or mad.
And the next, I am happy and giddy.
Oh wait, that's pretty much the definition of a Female.
I don't feel so bad now.
I think EVERYONE should check out Pinterest ,.... its AMAZING!
Oh and check out Kate Feider Photography on Facebook!!! Or her Website.. she is talented beyond everything.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Just What I Needed...
A wonderful trip to Utah.
My home away from home.
Full of dear family, wonderful friends, random adventures, and priceless memories.
It was so nice to be able to get away and recharge.
My home away from home.
Full of dear family, wonderful friends, random adventures, and priceless memories.
It was so nice to be able to get away and recharge.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Mom and Dad
Dear Mom and Dad,
I've been thinking a lot, about everything you do and have done for me. You guys are amazing. Words cannot even begin to express how much love, appreciation, gratitude, respect, charity, admiration (the list goes on and on) for you.
Mom, you went through so much to bring me into this world. You risked your life to have me, you knew that having me may not be an easy journey for you physically, but you selflessly sacrificed your temporary comfort and health to bring me into this world. I know we had a rough journey in the beginning, I scared you and Dad quite a bit with all the health problems I had, just as a newborn baby. You guys hung in there and did everything you could despite fatigue and exhaustion to keep me healthy and strong.
You guys gave John and I a beautiful life. We NEVER had any worries or concerns. You created so many fun memories for us. With our family vacations each year. We had no idea at the time your financial situation in the beginning of our lives. You never allowed that to keep us from having a wonderful childhood. When we got older you taught us the importance of working hard, saving money (even though that one took me a while to learn) and being grateful for what you have even if in the moment it isn't a lot.
I remember the separation anxiety I would get as a little girl going to school everyday. Man, I made it hard for you sometimes when I would fight you on going to school. I remember Mom, you gave me a family picture to keep in my backpack in Elementary school with a note written on the back so I would know how much you and Dad loved me. You would even let me wear your favorite necklace all day at school so I wouldn't be sad. You were VERY selfless and loving.
I always felt love from You and Dad both. And I still do.
I know that as a teenager and even after high school I started doing my own thing. I am sure you guys just felt like you were my personal grocery store and ATM machine.
I know I never showed my Gratitude at the time. But, I am grateful for all that you did for me.
You guys were and are always there for me, even if I would shut you out at times.
You always tell John and I how much you love us. I know I would get annoyed at times because I heard it so much. But, I am grateful for that.
You guys dropped everything going on in your lives the day I was diagnosed with cancer. You took the initiative to handle all the doctor appointments and insurance claims so it was one less thing I had to worry about. You guys were by my bedside the few times I was in the hospital when I was going treatment. You guys took notes from the doctors, stated your concerns, made sure you knew everything that was going on and everything the doctors were thinking so I would receive the best treatment. You guys held my hand when the doctors would hook me up to the Chemo machine (even though I told you I was strong and didn't need that.. I lied, I am grateful for that, I was strong on the outside, but inside I was devastated, scared, and in pain). You guys let me yell and curse (yes I did that) when I was upset about the cancer, when I was so sick that I wanted to die. You just listened and knew that I needed that so I could vent all the frustration that was bottled up. You guys are my heroes. You guys were 2 of my guardian angels when I needed it the most.
Thank You.
My eyes were really opened to how truly amazing you are, the past few days, when I came to you for help, because 2 people I care about so much needed help. I had no idea what to do. They had no idea what to do. I was scared and so were they and you guys brought peace to all of us and helped us figure it out. Thank You.
I always took you guys for granted.. I saw you as "Mom" and "Dad". But now I see you as more. I see you as Strong Children of our Heavenly Father. He blessed me with 2 smart, incredible parents who have guided and helped me and continue to do so more than I could imagine.
I love you guys so much.
I've been thinking a lot, about everything you do and have done for me. You guys are amazing. Words cannot even begin to express how much love, appreciation, gratitude, respect, charity, admiration (the list goes on and on) for you.
Mom, you went through so much to bring me into this world. You risked your life to have me, you knew that having me may not be an easy journey for you physically, but you selflessly sacrificed your temporary comfort and health to bring me into this world. I know we had a rough journey in the beginning, I scared you and Dad quite a bit with all the health problems I had, just as a newborn baby. You guys hung in there and did everything you could despite fatigue and exhaustion to keep me healthy and strong.
You guys gave John and I a beautiful life. We NEVER had any worries or concerns. You created so many fun memories for us. With our family vacations each year. We had no idea at the time your financial situation in the beginning of our lives. You never allowed that to keep us from having a wonderful childhood. When we got older you taught us the importance of working hard, saving money (even though that one took me a while to learn) and being grateful for what you have even if in the moment it isn't a lot.
I remember the separation anxiety I would get as a little girl going to school everyday. Man, I made it hard for you sometimes when I would fight you on going to school. I remember Mom, you gave me a family picture to keep in my backpack in Elementary school with a note written on the back so I would know how much you and Dad loved me. You would even let me wear your favorite necklace all day at school so I wouldn't be sad. You were VERY selfless and loving.
I always felt love from You and Dad both. And I still do.
I know that as a teenager and even after high school I started doing my own thing. I am sure you guys just felt like you were my personal grocery store and ATM machine.
I know I never showed my Gratitude at the time. But, I am grateful for all that you did for me.
You guys were and are always there for me, even if I would shut you out at times.
You always tell John and I how much you love us. I know I would get annoyed at times because I heard it so much. But, I am grateful for that.
You guys dropped everything going on in your lives the day I was diagnosed with cancer. You took the initiative to handle all the doctor appointments and insurance claims so it was one less thing I had to worry about. You guys were by my bedside the few times I was in the hospital when I was going treatment. You guys took notes from the doctors, stated your concerns, made sure you knew everything that was going on and everything the doctors were thinking so I would receive the best treatment. You guys held my hand when the doctors would hook me up to the Chemo machine (even though I told you I was strong and didn't need that.. I lied, I am grateful for that, I was strong on the outside, but inside I was devastated, scared, and in pain). You guys let me yell and curse (yes I did that) when I was upset about the cancer, when I was so sick that I wanted to die. You just listened and knew that I needed that so I could vent all the frustration that was bottled up. You guys are my heroes. You guys were 2 of my guardian angels when I needed it the most.
Thank You.
My eyes were really opened to how truly amazing you are, the past few days, when I came to you for help, because 2 people I care about so much needed help. I had no idea what to do. They had no idea what to do. I was scared and so were they and you guys brought peace to all of us and helped us figure it out. Thank You.
I always took you guys for granted.. I saw you as "Mom" and "Dad". But now I see you as more. I see you as Strong Children of our Heavenly Father. He blessed me with 2 smart, incredible parents who have guided and helped me and continue to do so more than I could imagine.
I love you guys so much.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I can't believe it's almost September. Time has flown by so fast. So fast.
It's been 10 months since I found out I had cancer. 9 months since I first entered the doors of the Cancer Center in Tulsa. 8 months since my hair started falling out/since I shaved my head. 6 months since my last round of chemo. 5 months since I found out I was in remission. 3 months since I stopped wearing wigs. 2 months since I since I went to Utah.
I'm not going to lie. I still think about it every single day.
It probably doesn't help that I still have my port in my chest. I don't notice it as much as I did in the beginning, but I can still feel it at random times. It's not the most comfortable thing. But, I feel like I will miss it when it's gone. That may sound weird, but it a strange way, it's been a part of me all this time. So it will be weird not to feel it anymore. Don't get me wrong.. it WILL be nice when they take it out though.
I can still feel the chemo run through my veins.
I can still feel the prick of each needle from the IV's to the acupuncture.
I can still remember the emotions I felt while I was sitting in the Infusion Center, surrounded by sickness and death.
I can still hear the drip of the IV.
I can still smell the Cancer Center.
I can see the look in the doctor's eyes when they told me the news, and when they told me 2 weeks ago I might still have it.
I have dreams that the cancer is back, or that I have another form, one that is worse.
I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, wide awake, like I did when I was sick.
But.. even though this happens. I am now able to see a future for myself. I wasn't able to see it in the midst of the chaos.
I am able to plan for my future and make goals again. Sometimes, I still fear that my goals and dreams won't go according to plan because of my health. But, then I just have to remember to look forward with faith.
It's hard sometimes, I am not going to lie. But, it's what helps me.
It's been 10 months since I found out I had cancer. 9 months since I first entered the doors of the Cancer Center in Tulsa. 8 months since my hair started falling out/since I shaved my head. 6 months since my last round of chemo. 5 months since I found out I was in remission. 3 months since I stopped wearing wigs. 2 months since I since I went to Utah.
I'm not going to lie. I still think about it every single day.
It probably doesn't help that I still have my port in my chest. I don't notice it as much as I did in the beginning, but I can still feel it at random times. It's not the most comfortable thing. But, I feel like I will miss it when it's gone. That may sound weird, but it a strange way, it's been a part of me all this time. So it will be weird not to feel it anymore. Don't get me wrong.. it WILL be nice when they take it out though.
I can still feel the chemo run through my veins.
I can still feel the prick of each needle from the IV's to the acupuncture.
I can still remember the emotions I felt while I was sitting in the Infusion Center, surrounded by sickness and death.
I can still hear the drip of the IV.
I can still smell the Cancer Center.
I can see the look in the doctor's eyes when they told me the news, and when they told me 2 weeks ago I might still have it.
I have dreams that the cancer is back, or that I have another form, one that is worse.
I still find myself waking up in the middle of the night, wide awake, like I did when I was sick.
But.. even though this happens. I am now able to see a future for myself. I wasn't able to see it in the midst of the chaos.
I am able to plan for my future and make goals again. Sometimes, I still fear that my goals and dreams won't go according to plan because of my health. But, then I just have to remember to look forward with faith.
It's hard sometimes, I am not going to lie. But, it's what helps me.
Friday, August 26, 2011
I can Breathe!
I feel like I can breathe again!
I had a cancer scare last week, my doctors found a spot and were talking about chemotherapy (again), radiation (again), and invasive surgeries (again)
I was pretty disheartened when I heard the news.
It was a year ago ALL over again. I had to play the Waiting Game.. A game I am not a fan of.
I found out a few days ago, that it didn't look like cancer.. Thankfully.
I was relieved, the joyful feeling didn't hit me until a few days later.
I can breathe again!
The week before my PET scan and the week of my PET scan, I was a nervous wreck. I was in my own world, everyone could tell I wasn't 100% there. I was constantly thinking about going to Tulsa again. Thinking about the IVs, the patients, how I was and still technically am a patient to my doctors down there.
I told myself that if my scan came back clear I was going back out to Salt Lake to visit.
So... in a week and a half I leave for a few days... I am so excited to be back out in the Mountains, and to see my friends and family. I have missed them all terribly.
Last night I FINALLY worked on a new vision board. I was looking at the one I made during cancer and I realized I had accomplished everything on it. Now I am making a long term one and a short term one.
Long term - what I want to achieve and have in the next 10 years.
Short term - what I want to achieve and have in the next year.
I am looking forward to the months ahead, to the things I am going to do and accomplish.
I had a cancer scare last week, my doctors found a spot and were talking about chemotherapy (again), radiation (again), and invasive surgeries (again)
I was pretty disheartened when I heard the news.
It was a year ago ALL over again. I had to play the Waiting Game.. A game I am not a fan of.
I found out a few days ago, that it didn't look like cancer.. Thankfully.
I was relieved, the joyful feeling didn't hit me until a few days later.
I can breathe again!
The week before my PET scan and the week of my PET scan, I was a nervous wreck. I was in my own world, everyone could tell I wasn't 100% there. I was constantly thinking about going to Tulsa again. Thinking about the IVs, the patients, how I was and still technically am a patient to my doctors down there.
I told myself that if my scan came back clear I was going back out to Salt Lake to visit.
So... in a week and a half I leave for a few days... I am so excited to be back out in the Mountains, and to see my friends and family. I have missed them all terribly.
Last night I FINALLY worked on a new vision board. I was looking at the one I made during cancer and I realized I had accomplished everything on it. Now I am making a long term one and a short term one.
Long term - what I want to achieve and have in the next 10 years.
Short term - what I want to achieve and have in the next year.
I am looking forward to the months ahead, to the things I am going to do and accomplish.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The ABC's of Optimism
Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits.
Believe in yourself
Consider things from every angle
Don't give up and don't give in
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone
Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them out and enjoy their riches
Give more than you planned to
Hang on to your dreams
Ignore those who try to discourage you
Just do it
Keep doing no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier
Love yourself first and most
Make it happen
Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal
Open your eyes and see things as they really are
Practice makes perfect
Quitters never win and winners never quit
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life
Stop procrastinating
Take control of your own destiny
Understand yourself in order to better understand others
Visualize it
Want it more than anything
Xcellerate your efforts
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace you
Zero in on your target and go for it!
I'm not perfect. But, I try to be optimistic the majority of the time. I feel like lately I haven't been as much, but, I try to make a conscious effort each day to remind myself that the glass is ALWAYS half full, not half empty.
I found "The ABC's of Optimism" when I was going through my old emails.. Karen had sent it to me because I saw this quote, or whatever you would call it, hanging on her wall.
I'm one of those people that has a hard time staying focused once I get towards the end of almost achieving a goal. I have many friends who, once they set a goal, nothing gets in their way, they work so hard until they achieve it. I admire them so much for that. I typically always achieve my goals, its just more on the Lauren Time-frame.
Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days of all the amazing people who surround me each and everyday. They are all amazing. I can't stress that enough. They all are uplifting, motivated, hard working individuals who make things happen. I am so proud of all of them. I know not everyday is easy for them, but instead of giving up when the going gets tough, they stick through it and come out on top.
I have met so many new people this past year, made so lasting and real friendships. I have met the majority of them when it was unexpected. I just feel so much joy and gratitude at this very moment. I want to personally tell each and everyone of them how much I love, appreciate, and admire them all. But, the list would be pretty darn long. So, my dear friends, who are reading this post. I am thankful for YOU and your hard working, uplifting, inspirational, optimistic, ambitious, spiritual, intellectual, caring, creative, examples. You all play an important role in my life, whether we see each other once every 6 months, or everyday. I am Thankful for YOU. And for your support, love and friendships that you have all given me this past year and for some of you, the past few years.
I feel so much gratitude right now. I think about my career, and how much I love it. I love meeting so many new people on a daily basis and with most of them, creating a lasting friendship. I learn so much from them. We learn so much about each other, and it's nice because we become part of each others families, in a way. (it sounds weird, but it's so true, any hair stylist would back me up on this one)
“The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!” - President Joseph F. Smith, 6th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Believe in yourself
Consider things from every angle
Don't give up and don't give in
Enjoy life today, yesterday is gone
Family and friends are hidden treasures, seek them out and enjoy their riches
Give more than you planned to
Hang on to your dreams
Ignore those who try to discourage you
Just do it
Keep doing no matter how hard it seems, it will get easier
Love yourself first and most
Make it happen
Never lie, cheat or steal, always strike a fair deal
Open your eyes and see things as they really are
Practice makes perfect
Quitters never win and winners never quit
Read, study and learn about everything important in your life
Stop procrastinating
Take control of your own destiny
Understand yourself in order to better understand others
Visualize it
Want it more than anything
Xcellerate your efforts
You are unique of all God's creations, nothing can replace you
Zero in on your target and go for it!
I'm not perfect. But, I try to be optimistic the majority of the time. I feel like lately I haven't been as much, but, I try to make a conscious effort each day to remind myself that the glass is ALWAYS half full, not half empty.
I found "The ABC's of Optimism" when I was going through my old emails.. Karen had sent it to me because I saw this quote, or whatever you would call it, hanging on her wall.
I'm one of those people that has a hard time staying focused once I get towards the end of almost achieving a goal. I have many friends who, once they set a goal, nothing gets in their way, they work so hard until they achieve it. I admire them so much for that. I typically always achieve my goals, its just more on the Lauren Time-frame.
Anyway, I have been thinking the past few days of all the amazing people who surround me each and everyday. They are all amazing. I can't stress that enough. They all are uplifting, motivated, hard working individuals who make things happen. I am so proud of all of them. I know not everyday is easy for them, but instead of giving up when the going gets tough, they stick through it and come out on top.
I have met so many new people this past year, made so lasting and real friendships. I have met the majority of them when it was unexpected. I just feel so much joy and gratitude at this very moment. I want to personally tell each and everyone of them how much I love, appreciate, and admire them all. But, the list would be pretty darn long. So, my dear friends, who are reading this post. I am thankful for YOU and your hard working, uplifting, inspirational, optimistic, ambitious, spiritual, intellectual, caring, creative, examples. You all play an important role in my life, whether we see each other once every 6 months, or everyday. I am Thankful for YOU. And for your support, love and friendships that you have all given me this past year and for some of you, the past few years.
I feel so much gratitude right now. I think about my career, and how much I love it. I love meeting so many new people on a daily basis and with most of them, creating a lasting friendship. I learn so much from them. We learn so much about each other, and it's nice because we become part of each others families, in a way. (it sounds weird, but it's so true, any hair stylist would back me up on this one)
“The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!” - President Joseph F. Smith, 6th President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
What I know.
I went to bed feeling confused, frustrated and lost.
I woke up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and mentally clear.
The past week and even maybe few months I had gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I forgot maintain my relationship with Heavenly Father.
I had a good conversation last night with a good friend of mine. The past week I have been going to him at random times for insight, and counsel. He reminded me over and over that I shouldn't worry about material things or worry about what others think. I should only worry about what God thinks about me. Now, that is something I've always known. But, for a while I felt like I had put a wall up with Heavenly Father and hadn't really spoken with him. I wasn't mad at him, I just kept putting it off until eventually it really didn't cross my mind. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Well, deep down I knew why I felt stressed and anxious and confused, but I felt as though I had forgotten how to communicate with our Father in Heaven. And I felt that I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Last night, I decided that I was going to change my behavior, I decided to get back in the habit of being spiritually in tune with Him. And, I feel more peace than I have in a while.
It's easy to do, it's so easy to get caught up with life, that we forget to include the One who loves us more than we could every possibly imagine. Our Father in Heaven.
Some of you may ask; Why we are all on this earth? Where did we come from? Where are we going? What is the purpose of Life?
Well, we are all here on this earth so we could each gain a mortal body, go through mortal experiences, so we could prove our love to Heavenly Father, and if we are faithful, we have the opportunity to live with him again.
It's so simple and so beautiful.
As many of you know, I am "Mormon" I like to be known as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
When Christ was on the earth, the fullness of the Gospel was also on the earth. But, after Christ was crucified his apostles were Martyred and members of the church fell away . This made it so the fullness was no longer on the earth, for many years.
It wasn't until the year 1820, when a young boy by the name of Joseph Smtih, had questions about which church to join. He was reading in the Bible, James 1:5 "If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upraideth not, and it shall be given him."
So, he decided to go and ask of God. And when he did that, God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ appeared to him. He described it, “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. . . When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and
glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!”
"In his vision God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared. The Savior told Joseph not to join any of the churches. Although many good people at that time believed in Christ and tried to understand and teach His gospel, they didn’t have the fullness of truth or the authority to baptize and perform other saving ordinances. This vision marked the beginning of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth, which God authorized to be established 10-years later by a wiser, heaven-tutored Joseph Smith, once again allowing everyone to receive the joy and blessings that come from living it." -- www.mormon.org
Now, there may be some of you out there who either don't believe in God, or feel abandoned by him, or feel angry at him. You may feel as though you are alone. But, you are not alone. He has a plan for each and everyone of you. We are given adversity so we can grow and also so we can fully submit ourselves to him.
I believe that to be true with all of my heart. I am so thankful for that knowledge.
I woke up feeling refreshed, rejuvenated and mentally clear.
The past week and even maybe few months I had gotten so caught up in the daily grind that I forgot maintain my relationship with Heavenly Father.
I had a good conversation last night with a good friend of mine. The past week I have been going to him at random times for insight, and counsel. He reminded me over and over that I shouldn't worry about material things or worry about what others think. I should only worry about what God thinks about me. Now, that is something I've always known. But, for a while I felt like I had put a wall up with Heavenly Father and hadn't really spoken with him. I wasn't mad at him, I just kept putting it off until eventually it really didn't cross my mind. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling the way I was feeling. Well, deep down I knew why I felt stressed and anxious and confused, but I felt as though I had forgotten how to communicate with our Father in Heaven. And I felt that I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Last night, I decided that I was going to change my behavior, I decided to get back in the habit of being spiritually in tune with Him. And, I feel more peace than I have in a while.
It's easy to do, it's so easy to get caught up with life, that we forget to include the One who loves us more than we could every possibly imagine. Our Father in Heaven.
Some of you may ask; Why we are all on this earth? Where did we come from? Where are we going? What is the purpose of Life?
Well, we are all here on this earth so we could each gain a mortal body, go through mortal experiences, so we could prove our love to Heavenly Father, and if we are faithful, we have the opportunity to live with him again.
It's so simple and so beautiful.
As many of you know, I am "Mormon" I like to be known as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
When Christ was on the earth, the fullness of the Gospel was also on the earth. But, after Christ was crucified his apostles were Martyred and members of the church fell away . This made it so the fullness was no longer on the earth, for many years.
It wasn't until the year 1820, when a young boy by the name of Joseph Smtih, had questions about which church to join. He was reading in the Bible, James 1:5 "If any of ye lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upraideth not, and it shall be given him."
So, he decided to go and ask of God. And when he did that, God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ appeared to him. He described it, “I saw a pillar of light exactly over my head, above the brightness of the sun, which descended gradually until it fell upon me. . . When the light rested upon me I saw two Personages, whose brightness and
glory defy all description, standing above me in the air. One of them spake unto me, calling me by name and said, pointing to the other—This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!”
"In his vision God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, appeared. The Savior told Joseph not to join any of the churches. Although many good people at that time believed in Christ and tried to understand and teach His gospel, they didn’t have the fullness of truth or the authority to baptize and perform other saving ordinances. This vision marked the beginning of the Restoration of the Church of Jesus Christ to the earth, which God authorized to be established 10-years later by a wiser, heaven-tutored Joseph Smith, once again allowing everyone to receive the joy and blessings that come from living it." -- www.mormon.org
Now, there may be some of you out there who either don't believe in God, or feel abandoned by him, or feel angry at him. You may feel as though you are alone. But, you are not alone. He has a plan for each and everyone of you. We are given adversity so we can grow and also so we can fully submit ourselves to him.
I believe that to be true with all of my heart. I am so thankful for that knowledge.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Utah
I have had a wonderful time out here in Utah these past few weeks, it saddens me to think that in a few days I will be returning back to KC. Don't get me wrong, I love Missouri, but being out here has been a huge changing point for me. I feel as though I have received so much enlightenment, so much healing, so much joy.
I have family out here. I love them so much, my love for them has increased more these past few weeks. Ever since fighting cancer, my view has changed. I have developed a stronger love for the Savior, which has given me this deeper love for the people in my life, especially my family. I think of them and their lives out here and how amazing they are. I have learned so much from them over the years, even though we have only seen each other a handful of times throughout the course of our lives. But, there is this amazing bond that we have. Everytime we see each other, it's as if we have never been apart.
I have gotten to know each of my cousin's on a more personal level out here. Being able to do that has given me a greater, eternal love for them. They are all such amazing children of our Heavenly Father. Each of them facing their own trials, dealing with their own day to day lives. They all have given me so much strength.
Family is such a blessing, I have always known it, but now I truly feel it. They are always there for us no matter what. I know that no matter what happens in this life, my family will always be there for me. My family back home has shown me that, and my family out here as well.
I love them all so much, and am so proud of them.
This trip has been so amazing, I have been able to meet so many people and see so many incredible things. I have been able to see old friends and spend time with their amazing families as well. I have been all over the Salt Lake area down to the Orem/Provo area. Spent a day in Park City and spent another day at Sundance. Hiked in the Mountains, saw some breath taking and slightly intimidating water rapids and waterfalls. Kissed a tarantula, double dutched in the canyons, made friends with random strangers, visited as many temples as time would permit, met up with old friends, had mini dance parties at random places, explored the streets of Salt Lake City, had deep conversations, and so much more.
But, it's not over yet, I still have a few more things planned before my plane ride.
I am so grateful that we are able to be sealed to our families for eternity.
I have family out here. I love them so much, my love for them has increased more these past few weeks. Ever since fighting cancer, my view has changed. I have developed a stronger love for the Savior, which has given me this deeper love for the people in my life, especially my family. I think of them and their lives out here and how amazing they are. I have learned so much from them over the years, even though we have only seen each other a handful of times throughout the course of our lives. But, there is this amazing bond that we have. Everytime we see each other, it's as if we have never been apart.
I have gotten to know each of my cousin's on a more personal level out here. Being able to do that has given me a greater, eternal love for them. They are all such amazing children of our Heavenly Father. Each of them facing their own trials, dealing with their own day to day lives. They all have given me so much strength.
Family is such a blessing, I have always known it, but now I truly feel it. They are always there for us no matter what. I know that no matter what happens in this life, my family will always be there for me. My family back home has shown me that, and my family out here as well.
I love them all so much, and am so proud of them.
This trip has been so amazing, I have been able to meet so many people and see so many incredible things. I have been able to see old friends and spend time with their amazing families as well. I have been all over the Salt Lake area down to the Orem/Provo area. Spent a day in Park City and spent another day at Sundance. Hiked in the Mountains, saw some breath taking and slightly intimidating water rapids and waterfalls. Kissed a tarantula, double dutched in the canyons, made friends with random strangers, visited as many temples as time would permit, met up with old friends, had mini dance parties at random places, explored the streets of Salt Lake City, had deep conversations, and so much more.
But, it's not over yet, I still have a few more things planned before my plane ride.
I am so grateful that we are able to be sealed to our families for eternity.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
My Mantra
"People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."
-- Mother Teresa
I love this. It's applicable in every aspect of my life. My goal, to memorize this, and use it as one of my daily Mantras.
What's YOUR mantra?
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you may win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People who really want help may attack you if you help them.
Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you may get hurt.
Give the world your best anyway."
-- Mother Teresa
I love this. It's applicable in every aspect of my life. My goal, to memorize this, and use it as one of my daily Mantras.
What's YOUR mantra?
Saturday, July 2, 2011
This Is It
Quote on my cousin's wall...
" You can't move forward if you feel like what you are leaving behind is better for you"
ps. I love this painting. Check out Anahata Katkin, she is a phenomenal artist.
" You can't move forward if you feel like what you are leaving behind is better for you"
ps. I love this painting. Check out Anahata Katkin, she is a phenomenal artist.
Friday, July 1, 2011
My Happy Place
Sitting in the Denver airport, eating some soup, seeing the mountains in the distance, surrounded by hundreds of people, it may sound crazy to you, but this, this is heaven for me.
Despite a crazy start to this trip, with plane problems and flight delays, I'm almost to the place that I focused on while facing my fears. This place I'm getting ready to visit was my goal. I dreamed of it everytime I sat in the chemo chair. Everytime I wanted to quit, I knew that if I finished what I had unfortunately had to start, I would be strong and healthy again and be able to visit my "happy place".
Salt Lake City. The Wasatch Mountains. The Salt Lake City Temple.
Despite a crazy start to this trip, with plane problems and flight delays, I'm almost to the place that I focused on while facing my fears. This place I'm getting ready to visit was my goal. I dreamed of it everytime I sat in the chemo chair. Everytime I wanted to quit, I knew that if I finished what I had unfortunately had to start, I would be strong and healthy again and be able to visit my "happy place".
Salt Lake City. The Wasatch Mountains. The Salt Lake City Temple.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Today was a wonderful Sunday.
Part of it was spent with 4 year olds. They say the funniest things. They have this view on life that is beautiful. Everything is special to them. Everything is amazing. They are also like sponges. They absorb everything, and know so much.
My friend Brittney did a wonderful job teaching them about Choosing the Right, and about the scriptures. It was so neat to see these sweet little children become so excited because they knew what the scriptures were. They knew who Jesus Christ is. It was just so sweet. They have this view of the world, that's rare. They see everything as something special. Their faces light up over everything.
It made me want to be like that. To see everything as something special. To see the world as if I were seeing it for the first time.
I believe that is something we can all do.
---------------------------------------------------------
Next Thought....
I was thinking just now, well, I think a lot, I think about the choices I make everyday. The choices I have made in the past. I think about where my life is going, and where it once was. I think about the people in my life, I think about so many things.
I have sometimes moments where I reflect and wonder, if I did the right thing, if I made the right decision, if I should have waited a bit longer before choosing to do something. I think about what could have happened, had I done something differently.
Back tracking a bit, I see where I am now, and I don't have any regrets. I am happy about where I am. I am happy with a lot of things. I see where I am today, based on the decisions I have made and things I have done based on what I felt I was meant to do, or what the Lord wanted me to do. (That was a run on sentence....)
But, every once in a while I reflect. And when I reflect, I think about everything I have done (well not everything, but I reflect back to recent things, decisions, choices, things from the past year/months) and think about how my life would be different had I made different choices. And in that thought, I see why I did what I did, or why that one thing happened, and I feel relief knowing that by trusting in the Lord and trusting myself, I have come a lot farther, had more refining/experience than I would have, had I not listened/gone with my instincts.
That's deep.
..........
New Thought.....
I am full of gratitude. I feel so grateful for so many things. I wouldn't be where I am today without Heavenly Father. He continually blesses my life, sometimes I don't always feel deserving of his blessings. I know he loves me, and I know he loves each and everyone of you. Life is a big mystery at times. It's like we are walking and we can only see 20 feet ahead of us, but God can see a lot farther than that. He knows everything, he knows the desires of our hearts, the pains we endure, the questions we have. He knows it all.
I hope you all know of your Individual Worth. You are amazing, you are priceless. I don't know why, but, I feel like someone reading this post needs to hear it. "The worth of EVERY soul is great in the sight of God." Don't forget that, don't forget that YOU are amazing, YOU are beautiful. The Lord has a plan for YOU. He loves you and knows you.
Part of it was spent with 4 year olds. They say the funniest things. They have this view on life that is beautiful. Everything is special to them. Everything is amazing. They are also like sponges. They absorb everything, and know so much.
My friend Brittney did a wonderful job teaching them about Choosing the Right, and about the scriptures. It was so neat to see these sweet little children become so excited because they knew what the scriptures were. They knew who Jesus Christ is. It was just so sweet. They have this view of the world, that's rare. They see everything as something special. Their faces light up over everything.
It made me want to be like that. To see everything as something special. To see the world as if I were seeing it for the first time.
I believe that is something we can all do.
---------------------------------------------------------
Next Thought....
I was thinking just now, well, I think a lot, I think about the choices I make everyday. The choices I have made in the past. I think about where my life is going, and where it once was. I think about the people in my life, I think about so many things.
I have sometimes moments where I reflect and wonder, if I did the right thing, if I made the right decision, if I should have waited a bit longer before choosing to do something. I think about what could have happened, had I done something differently.
Back tracking a bit, I see where I am now, and I don't have any regrets. I am happy about where I am. I am happy with a lot of things. I see where I am today, based on the decisions I have made and things I have done based on what I felt I was meant to do, or what the Lord wanted me to do. (That was a run on sentence....)
But, every once in a while I reflect. And when I reflect, I think about everything I have done (well not everything, but I reflect back to recent things, decisions, choices, things from the past year/months) and think about how my life would be different had I made different choices. And in that thought, I see why I did what I did, or why that one thing happened, and I feel relief knowing that by trusting in the Lord and trusting myself, I have come a lot farther, had more refining/experience than I would have, had I not listened/gone with my instincts.
That's deep.
..........
New Thought.....
I am full of gratitude. I feel so grateful for so many things. I wouldn't be where I am today without Heavenly Father. He continually blesses my life, sometimes I don't always feel deserving of his blessings. I know he loves me, and I know he loves each and everyone of you. Life is a big mystery at times. It's like we are walking and we can only see 20 feet ahead of us, but God can see a lot farther than that. He knows everything, he knows the desires of our hearts, the pains we endure, the questions we have. He knows it all.
I hope you all know of your Individual Worth. You are amazing, you are priceless. I don't know why, but, I feel like someone reading this post needs to hear it. "The worth of EVERY soul is great in the sight of God." Don't forget that, don't forget that YOU are amazing, YOU are beautiful. The Lord has a plan for YOU. He loves you and knows you.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Whitney is my Inspiration!
Last night my Aunt and Cousin came into town from Utah. It has been a real treat being able to catch up and have some fun.
Brynn (my cousin) and I have been doing crafts..
(Isn't she darling?)
I wasn't originally planning on doing anything crafty, until I was reading my dear friend/sister's blog (Whitney!). She does fun crafts while the baby is sleeping, I have always loved all the things she comes up with. The most recent project of hers really stood out to me.
A Temple Box....
(Here is the one she made.. I love it!)
She's so crafty :)
I decided that I wanted to make one too. We went to the craft store, and I found this little box that can hold pens and such.
I was searching for a some pics of the temple I liked, and I came across this picture.
I love this. :)
Listen Up Boys... :)
Pictures will be up later of Brynn and I's projects.
Brynn (my cousin) and I have been doing crafts..
(Isn't she darling?)I wasn't originally planning on doing anything crafty, until I was reading my dear friend/sister's blog (Whitney!). She does fun crafts while the baby is sleeping, I have always loved all the things she comes up with. The most recent project of hers really stood out to me.
A Temple Box....
(Here is the one she made.. I love it!)
She's so crafty :)
I decided that I wanted to make one too. We went to the craft store, and I found this little box that can hold pens and such.
I was searching for a some pics of the temple I liked, and I came across this picture.
I love this. :)
Listen Up Boys... :)
Pictures will be up later of Brynn and I's projects.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
:)
These past few weeks have been a whirlwind! Actually, the past month has been a whirlwind. And I have loved every minute of it.
I've been looking forward to Summer since January. I knew I would be done with all my treatment, and I would be able to live a normal life again.
It's been amazing! I feel blessed every single day to be alive and thriving.
My 2 dear friends, Brittany and her sister Erin, have been in town, and I have had the privilege to spend my time with them, their other siblings, and their friends (my new friends!) It has been a real treat.
I rediscovered an old love of mine. Lawrence, Kansas. The past few weekends were spent down there, full of random adventures (never a dull a moment).
I look forward to the upcoming weeks as well, I have family coming into town this week, and then in a week and a half I head out to Salt Lake, Idaho, California (everywhere in between) for a few weeks. It's gonna be so great to see old friends, and to see Brittany and Erin again!
I look around and I see the Lord's hand in my life. He continually blesses me every single day. I'm not just saying that, he truly does. He has opened up doors, brought new people into my life, grown my business. I wouldn't be where I am today, without his hand. I also see his hand in the lives of the people around me. It fills my heart with joy and with peace. It is a constant reminder that life is a blessing and is easier when he is with us. My heart is so full right now. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I have my moments still where I feel down, but, those are far and few. Overall, I feel a sense of joy, serenity, and clarity. Something I have desired to feel in my life for many years. It's funny that it took going through a serious illness to feel this way.
Make sure you count your blessings. Look around and you will also see that there is much to be grateful for. There is much to be happy about. The glass is NEVER half empty.
I look forward to each new day. I look forward to my future. I look forward to living :)
I've been looking forward to Summer since January. I knew I would be done with all my treatment, and I would be able to live a normal life again.
It's been amazing! I feel blessed every single day to be alive and thriving.
My 2 dear friends, Brittany and her sister Erin, have been in town, and I have had the privilege to spend my time with them, their other siblings, and their friends (my new friends!) It has been a real treat.
I rediscovered an old love of mine. Lawrence, Kansas. The past few weekends were spent down there, full of random adventures (never a dull a moment).
I look forward to the upcoming weeks as well, I have family coming into town this week, and then in a week and a half I head out to Salt Lake, Idaho, California (everywhere in between) for a few weeks. It's gonna be so great to see old friends, and to see Brittany and Erin again!
I look around and I see the Lord's hand in my life. He continually blesses me every single day. I'm not just saying that, he truly does. He has opened up doors, brought new people into my life, grown my business. I wouldn't be where I am today, without his hand. I also see his hand in the lives of the people around me. It fills my heart with joy and with peace. It is a constant reminder that life is a blessing and is easier when he is with us. My heart is so full right now. I haven't felt this happy in a long time. I have my moments still where I feel down, but, those are far and few. Overall, I feel a sense of joy, serenity, and clarity. Something I have desired to feel in my life for many years. It's funny that it took going through a serious illness to feel this way.
Make sure you count your blessings. Look around and you will also see that there is much to be grateful for. There is much to be happy about. The glass is NEVER half empty.
I look forward to each new day. I look forward to my future. I look forward to living :)
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Life
Soooo after months and months, I have finally stopped wearing wigs.
At first, I wasn't too thrilled about it, I felt insecure and awkward. But, after reassurance from friends and family, I stopped caring what other people would think and just went for it.
The first few days, I let everyone know how insecure and uncomfortable it was, but then, somehow moved past it.
Now, I like it, I won't say LOVE it, but I like it. It's nice to feel the wind on my head. It's nice not having to worry if my wig is on straight or if the wind is going to blow it off.
Back in December, I shaved it (which many of you know). The chemo started taking its toll and its last victim to be affected was my hair. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I had gone up to the temple with a few friends and on the car ride home it was falling out in chunks. I would barely touch it and many pieces would fall out. I was sad, sick and over it.
So, once we returned to Platte City, I called my dear friend Kate whom is a very talented photgrapher, I wanted her to help me document my journey. So, we started with the shaving of my head.
http://www.katefeiderphotography.com/
I was worried about doing it. I didn't want people to think I was like Britney Spears or something. Which, I knew I wasn't anywhere close to that, but I still was worried about the new step I was taking. I realized though, that it was part of the journey I was supposed to take.
Kate did a beautiful job at capturing this emotional/humbling moment for me.
While we were doing this, there was a knock at the bathroom door, her little girl Brooklyn, walked in. I was worried that she would be frightened by what we were doing, but Brooklyn was brave. She actually helped me do it.
Once we were finished, I felt empowered. I had just faced one of my biggest fears up to that point.
*Kate told me she was "checking the settings" on her camera, little did I know she was actually photographing me. I like this picture because you can see the mixed emotion. It reminds me that this was real, but it also reminds me of how merciful the Lord is. He spared my life, he opened my eyes to greater things. And I wouldn't trade that experience and wisdom for anything.
* I started cutting my hair first just so it would be easier when I started using the clippers on it. With every snip of the scissors, I felt a sense of control. I wasn't able to control the cancer, I wasn't able to control the chemo, but I was able to control my sense of self and take control of the situation before the chemo took the rest of my hair away.
* I love how Kate captured this one.
*My new helper/friend. She was so sweet and kind the whole time.
~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much.
The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had.
Untitled
"Your life can change in a moment
I've heard that time and time again
But I had no idea what that meant
Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend
A Friend? It's such a kind label
One may wonder why it could be considered such
But, for me it has helped me to grow
And to cherish this life so much
I'll always remember that phone call
The day my life drastically changed.
The words, the emotions, the fear
Made my life become deranged.
I didn't have all the answers
Didn't know what would lie ahead.
I didn't know if I was going to make it.
Or if I would end up dead.
My support system instantly manifested.
'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say.
But their loving words, their kindness
Didn't seem to take the pain away.
I'll never forget that Thursday
I'll never forget the tears.
I collapsed, crumpled on the floor
A few minutes felt like many years.
I thought of my future, my husband, my family.
Would I meet them in this lifetime?
Would they be able to know me?
I thought of my parents,
And how this friend would hurt them so.
How do I introduce them,
to a thing they would NEVER wish to know?
This journey has taught me to be Thankful,
To realize how blessed I truly am.
So I'm thankful for EVERY single day,
Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb.
I'm Thankful for the pain,
That I felt every single Night.
The way my body and my spirit
Naturally decided to Fight.
I'm Thankful for the clippers,
Which took away my hair.
It taught me to feel EMPOWERED,
Rather than feel despair.
I'm Thankful for the Chemo
That beat my body down.
For I know that it's purpose,
Was to run the Villan out of the Town.
I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights,
Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt
Because I was able to rely on the Father,
It taught me to reach out.
I traded in my Vanity
For scars that cover my Body.
They will be there everyday,
But, I won't let them haunt Me.
The marks that cover my hands
The port inside my chest
Will constantly be a reminder
Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest.
My wig, though it's a hassle
I take it every where I go
It allows me to feel "NORMAL"
While I am dealing with the Foe.
I called this cancer my friend
It has literally changed who I am.
It has left it's mark,
It has become my #1 fan.
It wants to be with me forever.
It wants my body to be it's home.
But, I refuse to let it.
I won't let this Stranger roam.
A stranger, a foe, a friend
So many names I've called it
It's all of those, I can't just pick one
One name just doesn't seem to fit.
I know that once this trial is over
A new one will arise.
But, I know how to face my fears now,
I am able to look them straight in the eyes.
I testify that Christ is real.
He has been with me along the way.
He continues to love and bless Me
Each and Every Single Day.
You never know how strong you are
When things go out of your control.
You have to let go, You have to have Faith
And allow Christ to play his role.
I'll always remember that Thursday
The day my life drastically changed.
I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior,
From me he will NEVER be estranged."
At first, I wasn't too thrilled about it, I felt insecure and awkward. But, after reassurance from friends and family, I stopped caring what other people would think and just went for it.
The first few days, I let everyone know how insecure and uncomfortable it was, but then, somehow moved past it.
Now, I like it, I won't say LOVE it, but I like it. It's nice to feel the wind on my head. It's nice not having to worry if my wig is on straight or if the wind is going to blow it off.
Back in December, I shaved it (which many of you know). The chemo started taking its toll and its last victim to be affected was my hair. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I had gone up to the temple with a few friends and on the car ride home it was falling out in chunks. I would barely touch it and many pieces would fall out. I was sad, sick and over it.
So, once we returned to Platte City, I called my dear friend Kate whom is a very talented photgrapher, I wanted her to help me document my journey. So, we started with the shaving of my head.
http://www.katefeiderphotography.com/
I was worried about doing it. I didn't want people to think I was like Britney Spears or something. Which, I knew I wasn't anywhere close to that, but I still was worried about the new step I was taking. I realized though, that it was part of the journey I was supposed to take.
Kate did a beautiful job at capturing this emotional/humbling moment for me.
While we were doing this, there was a knock at the bathroom door, her little girl Brooklyn, walked in. I was worried that she would be frightened by what we were doing, but Brooklyn was brave. She actually helped me do it.
Once we were finished, I felt empowered. I had just faced one of my biggest fears up to that point.
*Kate told me she was "checking the settings" on her camera, little did I know she was actually photographing me. I like this picture because you can see the mixed emotion. It reminds me that this was real, but it also reminds me of how merciful the Lord is. He spared my life, he opened my eyes to greater things. And I wouldn't trade that experience and wisdom for anything.
* I started cutting my hair first just so it would be easier when I started using the clippers on it. With every snip of the scissors, I felt a sense of control. I wasn't able to control the cancer, I wasn't able to control the chemo, but I was able to control my sense of self and take control of the situation before the chemo took the rest of my hair away.
* I love how Kate captured this one.
*My new helper/friend. She was so sweet and kind the whole time.
~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much.
The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had.
Untitled
"Your life can change in a moment
I've heard that time and time again
But I had no idea what that meant
Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend
A Friend? It's such a kind label
One may wonder why it could be considered such
But, for me it has helped me to grow
And to cherish this life so much
I'll always remember that phone call
The day my life drastically changed.
The words, the emotions, the fear
Made my life become deranged.
I didn't have all the answers
Didn't know what would lie ahead.
I didn't know if I was going to make it.
Or if I would end up dead.
My support system instantly manifested.
'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say.
But their loving words, their kindness
Didn't seem to take the pain away.
I'll never forget that Thursday
I'll never forget the tears.
I collapsed, crumpled on the floor
A few minutes felt like many years.
I thought of my future, my husband, my family.
Would I meet them in this lifetime?
Would they be able to know me?
I thought of my parents,
And how this friend would hurt them so.
How do I introduce them,
to a thing they would NEVER wish to know?
This journey has taught me to be Thankful,
To realize how blessed I truly am.
So I'm thankful for EVERY single day,
Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb.
I'm Thankful for the pain,
That I felt every single Night.
The way my body and my spirit
Naturally decided to Fight.
I'm Thankful for the clippers,
Which took away my hair.
It taught me to feel EMPOWERED,
Rather than feel despair.
I'm Thankful for the Chemo
That beat my body down.
For I know that it's purpose,
Was to run the Villan out of the Town.
I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights,
Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt
Because I was able to rely on the Father,
It taught me to reach out.
I traded in my Vanity
For scars that cover my Body.
They will be there everyday,
But, I won't let them haunt Me.
The marks that cover my hands
The port inside my chest
Will constantly be a reminder
Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest.
My wig, though it's a hassle
I take it every where I go
It allows me to feel "NORMAL"
While I am dealing with the Foe.
I called this cancer my friend
It has literally changed who I am.
It has left it's mark,
It has become my #1 fan.
It wants to be with me forever.
It wants my body to be it's home.
But, I refuse to let it.
I won't let this Stranger roam.
A stranger, a foe, a friend
So many names I've called it
It's all of those, I can't just pick one
One name just doesn't seem to fit.
I know that once this trial is over
A new one will arise.
But, I know how to face my fears now,
I am able to look them straight in the eyes.
I testify that Christ is real.
He has been with me along the way.
He continues to love and bless Me
Each and Every Single Day.
You never know how strong you are
When things go out of your control.
You have to let go, You have to have Faith
And allow Christ to play his role.
I'll always remember that Thursday
The day my life drastically changed.
I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior,
From me he will NEVER be estranged."
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What's Beautiful To Me
My heart is so full right now. This past year has been full of enlightenment, growth, and progression. I have seen changes in myself and in others.
It's beautiful to me. Seeing how people can make so many positive changes in their lives. I see people in my life (as well as at times in my own life) whom have been so consumed with pride, despair, and doubt, and I have seen them have a "mighty change of heart". They become full of faith, hope, and joy. It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's Possible.
It's such a beautiful thing, I know I keep saying that, but it really is. I am so grateful for their strength to make the changes which aren't easy. To completely turn their lives around so they can experience life to the fullest. I am so grateful for their new views on life and their testimonies of the Gospel. It helps to strengthen my own testimony.
It takes so much strength and courage to realize that we can't do this on our own, that we need the help and love of the Lord and Heavenly Father to get through life, to overcome our weaknesses and to get back on the path we are meant to be on.
The Atonement is such a beautiful thing, because Christ came down to this earth and died for us, it is possible for each and everyone of us to have the opportunity to return to live with him again, to have the opportunity to experience Everlasting Happiness.
That is something each and everyone of us is searching for, and there is an answer, it is the Savior, Jesus Christ.
It is through him and his loving hand that we are able to experience joy.
And for that I am eternally thankful.
It's beautiful to me. Seeing how people can make so many positive changes in their lives. I see people in my life (as well as at times in my own life) whom have been so consumed with pride, despair, and doubt, and I have seen them have a "mighty change of heart". They become full of faith, hope, and joy. It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's Possible.
It's such a beautiful thing, I know I keep saying that, but it really is. I am so grateful for their strength to make the changes which aren't easy. To completely turn their lives around so they can experience life to the fullest. I am so grateful for their new views on life and their testimonies of the Gospel. It helps to strengthen my own testimony.
It takes so much strength and courage to realize that we can't do this on our own, that we need the help and love of the Lord and Heavenly Father to get through life, to overcome our weaknesses and to get back on the path we are meant to be on.
The Atonement is such a beautiful thing, because Christ came down to this earth and died for us, it is possible for each and everyone of us to have the opportunity to return to live with him again, to have the opportunity to experience Everlasting Happiness.
That is something each and everyone of us is searching for, and there is an answer, it is the Savior, Jesus Christ.
It is through him and his loving hand that we are able to experience joy.
And for that I am eternally thankful.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mom.
Since, you don't have a facebook, and won't be able to see all the Mother's Day posts from me, I decided to express to you my love and appreciation on my blog (since I know you read this, and have been asking me why I haven't written anything in a while). You have been by my side since I was a little girl. All the times I cried before going to school because I wanted to stay home, you wiped away my tears. All the times I was scared or hurt, you always made me feel better. I am sorry I don't always express to you how I feel. You know me, I don't always share my feelings, I keep them bottled up or only share parts of them. But, despite that, I am pretty sure you have me figured out.
You made our childhood wonderful, John and I both have some wonderful memories. I know you ask "If you did enough". The answer is yes, you did do enough, you did more than enough. You were and are a wonderful Mother.
Holidays and Birthdays were always magical and memorable. You taught us so much about the Gospel. You taught us "culture and refinement", even though we don't always implement it in our lives :)
Happy Mother's Day Vicki! You are a beautiful Daughter of God. A beautiful Mother!
I love you!
You made our childhood wonderful, John and I both have some wonderful memories. I know you ask "If you did enough". The answer is yes, you did do enough, you did more than enough. You were and are a wonderful Mother.
Holidays and Birthdays were always magical and memorable. You taught us so much about the Gospel. You taught us "culture and refinement", even though we don't always implement it in our lives :)
Happy Mother's Day Vicki! You are a beautiful Daughter of God. A beautiful Mother!
I love you!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Serene
I am so blessed to be surrounded by AMAZING individuals whom I call my friends.
They have taught me so much and continue to teach me everyday.
This week has been amazing. Full of enlightenment. Full of accomplishment. Full of Balance.
I couldn't ask for anything better.
ps.. This is my definition of "Serene" ... I miss this place.
They have taught me so much and continue to teach me everyday.
This week has been amazing. Full of enlightenment. Full of accomplishment. Full of Balance.
I couldn't ask for anything better.
ps.. This is my definition of "Serene" ... I miss this place.
Monday, April 18, 2011
My New Approach
These past few weeks have been pretty darn good. Life finally feels as though its back to normal. For a while it was as if my life were frozen. I wasn't moving forward, and I wasn't moving backward either, I was just going through the motions of going to doctors, receiving medication, blood work... all that glorious stuff.
I've really been able to reflect a lot these past few weeks. Reflecting on where I was and where I am now. I have been able to see how many positive changes I have made in my life. I was able to talk to a friend about this. She drew me out a picture of what my life was like before and how I dealt with change, how the "coping behaviors" I was using brought me down, I knew I wasn't progressing, I was constantly feeling anxious. She then drew out a picture of my life now, and how even though I still feel similar emotions that come with life and changes, I deal with them in a more positive way. She said I have made connections (mental, spiritual, and emotional) in my life that have helped me and will continue to help me. I was in awe of how she was explaining it. I didn't really see the whole picture until she pointed it out. It was really neat.
I've also been taking the time to de-clutter my life even more. I went through all my books, movies, music, etc and got rid of so much stuff. Not that any of it was bad by any means. I've learned that most of those things don't do anything for me anymore. They don't leave me feeling uplifted or feeling like I have gained something positive. So, I got rid of them. It probably sounds silly to most of you, but for me, It's brought a sense of calmness to my life. I think those things can cause me to feel a sort of "sensory overload"..
I've taken a new approach that I thought about while doing this, I decided that the only "philosophies on life", or books in general, that I need comes from Deseret Book (haha) or the Apostles, Prophet, and Scriptures. Now, months ago, maybe even a few years ago, I NEVER would have chosen to do that. I used to live off of Music, Movies, Entertainment. The thought of getting rid of my Grey's Anatomy Seasons on DVD was ludicrous. But, I feel as though for ME, I have outgrown them. Now, I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with the show, or with music, movies, etc... It's just something I have done that has created a sense of balance in my life that is necessary for me to progress, stay calm, and not stress.
BUT, that being said.. I still am going to the Mumford and Sons concert.. because, I do love them :) and I think music, movies and such are okay and FUN, but for me it has to be in doses, and not all the time like it was before.
I guess I did this also because I really want to gain as much as I can out of life. I want to experience it in every positive way. I don't want to distract myself and miss out on any opportunities to grow...
I've really been able to reflect a lot these past few weeks. Reflecting on where I was and where I am now. I have been able to see how many positive changes I have made in my life. I was able to talk to a friend about this. She drew me out a picture of what my life was like before and how I dealt with change, how the "coping behaviors" I was using brought me down, I knew I wasn't progressing, I was constantly feeling anxious. She then drew out a picture of my life now, and how even though I still feel similar emotions that come with life and changes, I deal with them in a more positive way. She said I have made connections (mental, spiritual, and emotional) in my life that have helped me and will continue to help me. I was in awe of how she was explaining it. I didn't really see the whole picture until she pointed it out. It was really neat.
I've also been taking the time to de-clutter my life even more. I went through all my books, movies, music, etc and got rid of so much stuff. Not that any of it was bad by any means. I've learned that most of those things don't do anything for me anymore. They don't leave me feeling uplifted or feeling like I have gained something positive. So, I got rid of them. It probably sounds silly to most of you, but for me, It's brought a sense of calmness to my life. I think those things can cause me to feel a sort of "sensory overload"..
I've taken a new approach that I thought about while doing this, I decided that the only "philosophies on life", or books in general, that I need comes from Deseret Book (haha) or the Apostles, Prophet, and Scriptures. Now, months ago, maybe even a few years ago, I NEVER would have chosen to do that. I used to live off of Music, Movies, Entertainment. The thought of getting rid of my Grey's Anatomy Seasons on DVD was ludicrous. But, I feel as though for ME, I have outgrown them. Now, I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with the show, or with music, movies, etc... It's just something I have done that has created a sense of balance in my life that is necessary for me to progress, stay calm, and not stress.
BUT, that being said.. I still am going to the Mumford and Sons concert.. because, I do love them :) and I think music, movies and such are okay and FUN, but for me it has to be in doses, and not all the time like it was before.
I guess I did this also because I really want to gain as much as I can out of life. I want to experience it in every positive way. I don't want to distract myself and miss out on any opportunities to grow...
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey
Day 41 - A picture of your pet.
Well, My Pets died a while ago.. BUT.. here is a picture of one of the critter's that melted my heart :)
Cleo.
Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.
I don't know exactly what my "dream" house would look like.. BUT, I like this one :)
Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
It's terrible.. BUT I'm obsessed...
Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.
I hear this one...
ps.. I'm in LOVE with her nails...
Day 45 - A picture of your room.
I don't have any pictures of my room
Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.
3 more monthssssss :)
Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
what can I say? Cute Clothes.. Cheap Prices.. can't beat that... :)
Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.
Actress...
I LOVE these Sisters.. Emily Deschanel.. and Zooey Deschanel
Actor...
Johnny Depp.. Always and Forever
Well, My Pets died a while ago.. BUT.. here is a picture of one of the critter's that melted my heart :)
Cleo.Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.
I don't know exactly what my "dream" house would look like.. BUT, I like this one :)
Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
It's terrible.. BUT I'm obsessed...
Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.
I hear this one...
ps.. I'm in LOVE with her nails...
Day 45 - A picture of your room.
I don't have any pictures of my room
Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.
3 more monthssssss :)
Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
what can I say? Cute Clothes.. Cheap Prices.. can't beat that... :)
Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.
Actress...
I LOVE these Sisters.. Emily Deschanel.. and Zooey Deschanel
Actor...
Johnny Depp.. Always and Forever
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It's about time..
So, alot of my fellow blogger pals have been doing/keeping up with the "60 Day Challenge'.. I have been slacking... BUT I feel inspired to catch up!
Thank you Gabe, Lindsey, Jessica you guys have inspired me once again!
I had to look back and see what day I left off on... I was thinking I could just start from where I left off, but that would then involve me posting a new blog everyday.. SO, I decided to catch up all in one post :)
Here are Days 10 - 40.. *haha yes.. the last one I did was exactly 30 days ago..
Enjoy :)
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
I had to think LONG and Hard.. and Karen D wins! haha we have done so many random things together over the years.. too many to count
-
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
though my life was saved here.. I really have a dislike for the state.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
so many to choose from!
(I don't have any recent pics of my mom... BUT I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!)
Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
I get to see them in JUNE!!
Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
There is alot of us... but I can't imagine my life without them!! I wish I had pics of EVERYONE!
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
No.. I don't want to jump off of this.. I want to climb a Mountain.. I want to feel like I am standing on top of the world!!
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
I don't think there is anything in particular I would wish to forget.. every experience I have had has made me into who I am today.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
I wish I were better at speaking German...
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
This book has changed my life for the better.. :)
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
I wish I could make the world get rid of this...
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
This really has nothing to do with my day.. but I liked this pic.. and My Day has been good so far!
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
The temple means so much to me.. with it, we are able to be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. What a beautiful blessing! Kansas City is getting one!! SHould be done soon!
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
This little guy here is my buddy .. and cousin :)
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
hmmm... I try not to focus on my fears..
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Ohhhh It's so cute! I want one :)
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
One of my other Best Friends!! I get to see her for 3 whole weeks in a few months!!!
Day 31 - A picture of a tradition you have.
EVERY year for the past few years.. We have always gone to Karen's Aunt Jan's Halloween Party!!
I only have pics from 2008, 2009, and last year...
2008 - James, Karen, Daniel and Myself.. This year was probably the most awesome!
2009 - James, Karen, Myself, Seth, and Daniel - Daniel, Karen and James had the best costumes.. Seth and I were lame
2010 - This was a pretty good one too! Karen, Morgan, Chris and Myself.. Karen was a loofah, Morgan was Adam Ant, I was Kat Von Dee, and Chris (not pictured) was a baby!
Day 32 - A picture of a crazy night.
I think the pics above can count for this one
Day 33 - A picture of the house you grew up in.
haha I found one on Google Maps!
Buuuuuut, it wouldn't upload....
Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.
I'm listening to Mix CDs right now...
Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.
yummy yummy.... I love Thai food :)
Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.
karen and alyssa both
Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.
With these girls :) My Rio Fam!!
Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.
I love meditation.. If only I could do it everyday on a beach :)
Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.
hhhhmmmm... fav movie?? well , I love quite a few :)
My all time Favorite...
Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.
NOTE TO SELF: NEVER BE A SLACKER
Thank you Gabe, Lindsey, Jessica you guys have inspired me once again!
I had to look back and see what day I left off on... I was thinking I could just start from where I left off, but that would then involve me posting a new blog everyday.. SO, I decided to catch up all in one post :)
Here are Days 10 - 40.. *haha yes.. the last one I did was exactly 30 days ago..
Enjoy :)
Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.
I had to think LONG and Hard.. and Karen D wins! haha we have done so many random things together over the years.. too many to count
-
Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.
though my life was saved here.. I really have a dislike for the state.
Day 12 - A picture of something you love.
so many to choose from!
(I don't have any recent pics of my mom... BUT I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!)Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.
I get to see them in JUNE!!Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without
There is alot of us... but I can't imagine my life without them!! I wish I had pics of EVERYONE!
Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.
No.. I don't want to jump off of this.. I want to climb a Mountain.. I want to feel like I am standing on top of the world!!
Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.
Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.
Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.
Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.
I don't think there is anything in particular I would wish to forget.. every experience I have had has made me into who I am today.
Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.
I wish I were better at speaking German...
Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.
This book has changed my life for the better.. :)
Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.
I wish I could make the world get rid of this...
Day 25 - A picture of your day.
This really has nothing to do with my day.. but I liked this pic.. and My Day has been good so far!
Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.
The temple means so much to me.. with it, we are able to be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. What a beautiful blessing! Kansas City is getting one!! SHould be done soon!
Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.
This little guy here is my buddy .. and cousin :)
Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.
hmmm... I try not to focus on my fears..
Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.
Ohhhh It's so cute! I want one :)
Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
One of my other Best Friends!! I get to see her for 3 whole weeks in a few months!!!
Day 31 - A picture of a tradition you have.
EVERY year for the past few years.. We have always gone to Karen's Aunt Jan's Halloween Party!!
I only have pics from 2008, 2009, and last year...
2008 - James, Karen, Daniel and Myself.. This year was probably the most awesome!
2009 - James, Karen, Myself, Seth, and Daniel - Daniel, Karen and James had the best costumes.. Seth and I were lame
2010 - This was a pretty good one too! Karen, Morgan, Chris and Myself.. Karen was a loofah, Morgan was Adam Ant, I was Kat Von Dee, and Chris (not pictured) was a baby!
Day 32 - A picture of a crazy night.
I think the pics above can count for this one
Day 33 - A picture of the house you grew up in.
haha I found one on Google Maps!
Buuuuuut, it wouldn't upload....
Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.
I'm listening to Mix CDs right now...
Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.
yummy yummy.... I love Thai food :)
Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.
karen and alyssa both
Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.
With these girls :) My Rio Fam!!
Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.
I love meditation.. If only I could do it everyday on a beach :)
Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.
hhhhmmmm... fav movie?? well , I love quite a few :)
My all time Favorite...
Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.
NOTE TO SELF: NEVER BE A SLACKER
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