I love.....

What is one reason why I love the holidays so much??? Reuniting with long lost friends of course :)

These past few weeks have been amazing! I have been able to spend my time with the ones I love the most. And I have loved every minute of it. I have also been able to spend my time 4 of my close friends who came to town (all at different times). Some of them I hadn't seen in a few months and some it had been over a year. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. These are the people who when you are with them, you forget your trials, you pain, your worries. And you just enjoy one another, you laugh, sing, dance (we are pretty intense). These 4 individuals have really touched my life in so many ways. ( of course I have other amazing friends who live here too.. I will do "shout outs" to you on another day.. I promise)

I remember we all met about 4 years ago. I can't believe it has been that long already. We met at church up in Platte City. Many of them lived in Leavenworth, and over the years we all grew together. I can remember so many fun memories with them. We would have random parties, game nights, movies nights. It was so carefree and fun. We had been there for each other through different relationships we all had, different heartbreaks, different milestones, the whole shebang. It's been quite the journey.

Seeing them all for the first time since I found out about my cancer really put so many things into perspective. We all realized that our bonds have been strengthened, that life is fragile and to make sure you live with gratitude each day (especially being grateful for the ones you love). Seeing them these past few weeks has been so wonderful, and its hard when we all have to go back to our own lives. Two of them have already gone home, but the other 2 are still here for a few more days. I feel blessed because right now, this week is the best I have felt in months. (Side Note: Acupuncture is AMAZING.. everyone should do it)And because of that, I have been able to spend almost every moment with them at different times.


Brittany!


James!


Alyssa!!


Janiece!!

Happy Holidays

This morning I woke up in my room at the Treatment Center, I woke up wide awake. I decided to calm my busy mind by reading in the December Ensign. I read Christmas stories given by church leaders, I read inspiring stories about sweet spirits whom where born with physical and mental disabilities and have overcome their challenges. As their stories were being shared you could tell there was so much gratitude in their hearts. A story that really stood out to me was the story of George Frederic Handel. Many of us have heard his beautiful music which was composed in the 1700's. The one is is mostly known for is his beautiful work "The Messiah".

Handel faced many challenges of his own. He had a stroke at the age of 52 which left his right arm temporarily paralyzed, and his brain partially injured. Over time he overcame his diagnosis and was able to play and compose music.

After reading all these wonderful stories, my heart and my mind was full of gratitude, peace, and clarity. I started thinking about all the blessings I have in my life. I realize that despite the physical challenges I face for this brief moment in my life, the Lord has never left me. He has blessed me with so much. A knowledge that he really does exist, that he can remove any burden, pain, despair, anguish, anything that troubles us, he can take it away and fill us with peace, joy, gratitude, and love.

This holiday season has probably been one of the best ones I have had. I feel as though I have been able to understand the true meaning of Christmas. And I know that I will remember this particular Christmas in my heart for the rest of my life. The spirit of Christmas is such a beautiful thing, it is full of peace, joy, and love. I have come to have a better understanding of the word "love". When I think of "love", I think of the word "charity". This particular gift has manifested itself in my life so many times these past few months. I have felt the love and prayers of others, and my heart has been softened so much.

"Charity is the 'Pure love of Christ'. It is the opposite of criticism and judging. It is having patience with someone who has let us down. It is resisting the impulse to become offended easily. It is accepting weaknesses and shortcomings. It is accepting people as they truly are. It is looking beyond physical appearances to attributes that will not dim through time. It is resisting the impulse to categorize others.....
.... In a hundred small ways, all of you wear the mantle of charity. Life is perfect for none of us. Rather than being judgmental and critical of each other, may we have the pure love of Christ for our fellow travelers in this journey through life. May we recognize that each one is doing her best to deal with the challenges which come her way, and may we strive to do our best to help out." - President Thomas S. Monson.

I hope that everyone has a beautiful holiday this upcoming week, and to always remember that 'Spirit of Christmas'.

The People In Our Lives

One Saturday, back in August, I was at work, having fun with the girls, doing hair, the works. Most of my clients that day were regulars, but my last client of the day was a new one. Her name was Kelly. Kelly sat in my chair and I started to do the normal consultation that I do with every client. We talked about her hair, what look she was going for, what challenges she may have been having with it lately, etc, etc. The appointment went well as usual. Kelly ended up loving her hair and all was well. I really didn't get a chance to get to know her too well this time.

About 5 weeks later, Kelly, came back for another appointment. This time, we talked more, and got to know each other better. We were talking about guys I believe, and I was telling her about the different ones I had dated or associated with over the years, the more recent ones at that time we were ones we talked about more. She then asked a question that I was not expecting at all. "Are those guys Mormon?". At first, I was a little surprised, most people haven't asked me that before. She said "They sound like they are Mormon." I said, "Yes, the past few are" She said "The only reason why I asked is because, I am Mormon". Now, Kelly had just moved into town from Phoenix, Arizona. She called the salon for her first appointment (Based on a recommendation) they gave her the option of 2 different stylists (one was me). And, randomly, I was the Stylist she ended up with.

So after Kelly had told me she was also a member of the church. I told her that I was as well. She went on to tell me that she was baptized a few years back, and hadn't been to church in over a year. I proceeded to tell her about the different congregations and meeting times we had out here. We talked a bit more about the church but then that was the end of the conversation for the day.

5 weeks later, I received my diagnosis about my health. I had been really frazzled, and stressed. It was hard for me to decide when I would tell my clients. Kelly had an appointment that evening (about 6 days after I received the official news)we had developed a friendship, there are some clients that you have friendships with, some that you have more of a business relationship with. (typically they are the ones who don't come in very often, that you don't know as well) So, Kelly came in, and we decided what we were gonna do to her hair, I walked back, mixed up the color (still debating in my mind, I hadn't told all my clients and still to this day there are a few who don't know) So I told her. I told her all about the cancer, my treatment plan was still in the works at the time. I was telling her how I started doing things to de-stress my life, I removed toxic people, petty stress inducers, I took up yoga, and was considering learning more about meditation. When we got to that topic, she said that she was taking a meditation class downtown the next night and asked me to attend with her. So, I went to the UMKC website (which is where the class was being held) and signed up.

The next evening we met up, went to the class (well, we got to the campus, and couldn't find the class, so we went to Kona Grill instead, but hey, going out could be a form of meditation) After that, we became really good friends.

The next month and half or so we would meet up, go get food, go shopping, etc. We continued talking about normal girl stuff, guys, life, and goals (well, those may not all be everyday topics, but that's what we would talk about most). Every once in a while the Church would be brought up. At one point, I extended the invite to Kelly to attend church with me. The next few weeks were booked for her. But, the first Sunday of December she was able to attend with me.

We went to my branch (congregation) up in Platte City, MO. The day before I had mentioned bringing her to a few individuals, so she was able to meet them too. This was her first time attending an LDS meeting in over a year. And, it happened to be the testimony meeting (they do this once a month, where everyone in the church has the opportunity to fast and to share their own testimonies with each other). Kelly was only able to stay for the first meeting, and had to leave. I stayed for the rest, and then headed down to Tulsa. The next day, Kelly texted me and was so happy, she felt the spirit, and realized that this is what she had been missing. I thought that was really neat.

So, the next week we went again. This time it was Stake Conference (Stake Conference is when all the congregations in the surrounding area come together and meet, and listen to church leaders and members give talks) I was able to introduce her to a few more of my friends. The talks that were prepared were amazing, they were about life, about the Savior, about missionary work, about service, about this holiday season. It was so wonderful. After church, we went back to the house, ate lunch and continued to talk about life, the gospel and goals. Kelly proceeded to tell me that for a long time she felt she had been missing this in her life. She always had the desire to come back, but at the time wasn't able to. She was telling me how she knew that I was placed in her life for a reason, and how I was a stepping stone in her life, for her to get back to where she wanted to be in her life. She was saying how she knew we were supposed to meet, because she could have gone to any stylist back in August, and how she chose me. She was saying how the Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways in people's lives. Since then Kelly and I have become more like sisters. We have both helped each other these past few months, she has especially helped me during this difficult time.

I share this story, not to make it's focus on myself, but to testify that people are placed in our lives for a reason, whether its for a lifetime, or for a season. (yes that rhymed.) This is something that I have been thinking about a lot. About all the people who are in my life, and who have been in my life especially these past few months. I have also been troubled lately too, because there are some whom were "temporarily" in my life, but aren't really a part of it anymore. (they haven't necessarily moved away, they just haven't been around like they were before) I know that people do come and go, and for the ones who have gone, I am so grateful for the time we spent together, and the memories we created. I have learned a lot from them. It's always sad when friendships run their course, and I have never fully understood why they do. I have always tried to put so much into relationships, with family, friends, acquaintances, etc. But, You know who the true ones are, when they reciprocate. Now, I'm not shunning anyone, or throwing anyone under the bus by any means. This has just been heavy on my heart lately. When I found about my cancer,I have also really found who my true friends are. And, I know the friendships that have been strengthened and the new ones that have developed over the course of the past months, will be lifetime friendships. I'm thankful to those individuals, and for you reading this. I am also thankful for the ones who aren't around anymore. Some of them have taught me how to not care about what others think, some have taught me to stand up for myself, some have taught me to love adventure and spontaneity, and some have taught me how to appreciate the simple things. To not worry so much about material things. And though, I miss those moments, and those particular people, I know that we were in each others lives for a reason, and of course I still see them, like I said, they didn't move far away or anything. Maybe this is a way for me to get rid of that heaviness on my heart. I still think very highly them, and my wish is that those individuals receive all the happiness in the world.

I am so thankful for learning opportunities, thankful for blogs.. this has helped me in many ways to process things and to clear my mind. I am so thankful for life and for the opportunity to live. I have moments where I don't want to finish the chemo, because it is so hard, so hard on my body. I don't really talk about it with anyone, I mean I talk about it every day because people ask me, but I don't talk about my true feelings, I think I do it to protect those around me, I don't want them to hurt knowing that I sometimes hurt. But, I just remind myself everyday, that come March I will be done with chemo. That is so so soon. And my dear and new friend Jessica said that we will plan a "Celebration of Life" Party. So that's what I do, I look ahead, I look past the treatments that await, I look past my new fear of hospitals, IVs, and medicine. And I look at the sunshine, the warm weather, going to the Lake, going on a roadtrip, wearing my favorite white sundress and walking around outside smiling and laughing with my friends, and having a full head of hair again. Those moments keep me focused.

Bright Shining Star

I woke up this morning, and as I got ready for work, instead of waking up late, and rushing out the door, I decided to take a different approach. I woke up about 30 minutes before I originally planned, got ready, made breakfast, the usual. I rarely take the time to sit down and actually eat my breakfast, it typically involves me grabbing a protein. bar and running out the door (thanks to chemo, those are ruined for me.. sad) But, today was different. So, as I sat down, I just thought about everything. I am not really sure what everything is, I know I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything that has gone on these past few months. So, instead of dwelling on it, I opened my laptop and went to lds.org. The first thing I saw was a message given by President Thomas S. Monson, president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He gave a beautiful message of peace and good tidings this holiday season. My favorite part of his devotional was a story he told by John B. Matheson Jr. The story takes place in war torn Germany, Christmas of 1945.

Here is a photo of President Monson, he truly is a remarkable man. A true disciple of Christ. I admire him, and look up to him in so many ways.



"During Christmas 1945, John Matheson found himself serving in the army of occupation in Frankfurt, Germany. World War II had ended about seven months earlier, but during the conflict the city of Frankfurt had suffered much destruction. Most of the city was rubble. Many of the homes which had been left unscathed were taken over for housing the United States military. John and two other officers lived in a three-story house that easily could have served as a home for three families.

Each weekday, John and the other two officers would go to their office and return in the evening to find the beds made and the house spotlessly cleaned by an elderly German woman who was hired by the United States Army to be housekeeper for a number of houses in the area. Only occasionally would they see this frail little lady as she busily engaged in her tasks. Their conversations with her were limited, for she spoke no English and their German was poor; but through a sort of sign language and through smiles, they indicated satisfaction with her work.

Weekly, John went to the post exchange to get his ration of candy bars, soap, and incidentals. Though he sometimes grumbled about the poor selection available, he always purchased all he was allowed and put the excess into his footlocker.

As Christmas approached, John thought he should give some gift to the housekeeper; so from the abundance of his footlocker, he filled a large cardboard box with candy bars, soap, and cans of fruit juice. He knew that in the system of barter among the Germans, his gift to her was worth many, many dollars, but the cost to him was negligible.

Knowing she would not work on Christmas Day, as John left for the office on December 24th, he placed on the table where it would be seen his gift box and a Christmas greeting. All day he felt rather smug as he thought of his generous gift. The housekeeper would be like an heiress in the poverty of her neighborhood. How lucky she was, he thought. How beholden she would be to him—to the generous American. And yet his gift was not given in compassion but merely out of pity and for self-satisfaction.

As he approached the house in the darkness of the December evening, he saw the dim glow of the lamp filtering through the window. The house was still. He entered the home and saw that his gift and the recipient were gone. However, in the glow of that lamp, he saw on the table her Christmas note and her gift to him. He had expected no gift, but there it was—all she could afford and given in the spirit of Christmas.

What could a poor little old lady give? She could give from her poverty and from her heart her fondest memories of her beloved city of yesteryear, and she could give the Christmas star.

On that dimly lit table, along with her painstakingly written “Merry Christmas,” were 10 old and dog-eared picture postcard scenes of Frankfurt as it had appeared before the war had so devastated it. The housekeeper had placed each card on edge and fastened them together so that every 2 cards formed a point and all 10 together formed the Christmas star.

She had little to give. In fact, it was all she had. Though John Matheson lived to see many more Christmases, that little housekeeper’s Christmas star shone brightly throughout his life. He said that her “star of Bethlehem” implanted within him the Christmas spirit and taught him the true meaning of love and giving."


This story reminded me of the true meaning of this holiday season. It's funny, I look back at all the times where material things were so important to me. To me, Beauty was how someone looked, more so than how they portrayed themselves. I would try to see the inner beauty, but, I feel like I was more critical of the outward appearance. I have truly been humbled, I have been reminded of the importance of family, friendships, faith, the meaning of this holiday season. I have been reminded of how fragile life truly is, and how in a moment, it can literally change. I am so grateful for this experience. I know at times I complain about it, I complain about the fact that my hair is now officially gone. (yes I wear wig now) I complain about how uncomfortable I feel, or how after picking up a package from the UPS guy, I get completely worn out and have to sit down for 10 minutes to gain some form of strength back. I complain about it all. But, after I have my mini "pity party" I get back up and keep on living.

I realize that right now, this is has been the hardest thing PHYSICALLY, that I have ever had to do. It's taught me endurance, humility, gratitude, patience (Well, that will always be a work in progress for me)

Okay, so I realize, I type alot. But, my heart is so full right now. I am again so appreciative of each and everyone of you. You guys have all been a huge source of strength for me. And for that I am forever grateful.

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

This week has been a huge humbling experience for me. Let me start from the beginning.. well, its sort of the beginning.

Last week was rough, emotionally rough. I was so scarred emotionally and partially physically from my first round of chemo. I literally felt like I was on death's door. There were moments (many of them) where I felt like I couldn't get through it, where I felt like I wasn't strong enough. I felt angry, alone, abandoned. I was so negative and so bitter. I hated feeling that way. It wasn't who I am.

Saturday the 3rd I had the amazing opportunity to go to the Winter Quarter's temple again. On the way up there I was surrounded by wonderful company and felt so much peace, even though physically I was exhausted. This experience was different from most, but it somehow gave me great hope, I knew that everything was going to be okay. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to draw close to the Savior and feel his love for me.

It's in those moments of weakness, of pain, sorrow, and affliction where we can truly feel the Tender Mercies of the Lord.

I had my second round of chemo on Monday, I was originally supposed to do it last week, but couldn't because my White Blood Cell count was so low. So low, that my immune system was literally non-exsistent. When the doctor's told me we wouldn't be doing chemo that week, I was so upset, because we drove down there, and I had mentally psyched myself up for the discomfort that lied ahead.

But, once I got home and felt normal for the first time in months, I was so grateful. I took the time to work, spend time with family and my amazing friends. I was able to do things that I wasn't able to do before because I was so tired or sick.

I am learning to face my emotions and challenges in life. I used to always avoid them, and run from them. But, this experience has taught me to face your fears and realize that anything worth having in life is worth fighting for. Whether you are fighting for your own life, survival, dreams, anything. Anything good in life takes a certain amount of sacrifice and pain to acheive. That is how we grow.

I was reading in the Ensign this morning, a couple of different talks. The first one was by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "Have We Not Reason to Rejoice?" He starts off by quoting one of my favorite hymns:

"Now let us rejoice in the day of salvation. No longer as strangers on earth need we roam. Good tidings are sounding to us and each nation."

He goes on to talk about how we can find joy in trials, and how we have reason to rejoice through the Savior. Now, this excerpt from his talk is a little lengthy, but It is such an incredible story I had to share it.

' I remember a time when things didn’t look good for our family when I was a child. It was in the winter of 1944, one of the coldest during World War II. The war front was approaching our town, and my mother had to take us four children, leave all our possessions behind, and join the millions of fleeing refugees in a desperate search for a place to survive. Our father was still in the military, but he and Mother had agreed that if they were ever separated during the war, they would try to reunite at the hometown of my grandparents. They felt this place offered the greatest hope for shelter and safety.
U
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With bombing raids during the night and air attacks during the day, it took us many days to reach my grandparents. My memories of those days are of darkness and coldness.
My father returned to us unharmed, but our future looked extremely bleak. We were living in the rubble of postwar Germany with a devastating feeling of hopelessness and darkness about our future.
In the middle of this despair, my family learned about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the healing message of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. This message made all the difference; it lifted us above our daily misery. Life was still thorny and the circumstances still horrible, but the gospel brought light, hope, and joy into our lives. The plain and simple truths of the gospel warmed our hearts and enlightened our minds. They helped us look at ourselves and the world around us with different eyes and from an elevated viewpoint.
My dear brothers and sisters, aren’t the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and our membership in His Church great reasons to rejoice?
Wherever you live on this earth and whatever your life’s situation may be, I testify to you that the gospel of Jesus Christ has the divine power to lift you to great heights from what appears at times to be an unbearable burden or weakness. The Lord knows your circumstances and your challenges. He said to Paul and to all of us, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” And like Paul we can answer: “My strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me” (2 Corinthians 12:9)."