Tomorrow marks my 8th round of chemo. Originally, I would be stressed and bitter about making the 4 hour drive down to Tulsa. But, I feel humble to say that my heart has been softened immensely. Today started early, I woke up early, and we left early, meaning we got to Tulsa early. Usually, I would go to my church meetings late in the afternoon, and be on the road by 5 or 6. We ended up getting to Tulsa by 5 or 6. At first, I wasn't too happy about the idea, but, I began to feel grateful because we drove with daylight. I was able to see the beautiful countryside, which on the way home I would be too sick or tired to notice. I mainly saw gray and brown.. but, every so often I would see bits of green grass growing. It made me happy to see that. To see new life, to know that Spring is almost here.
I started off my morning by watching the BYU channel, I love the show "Music and the Spoken Word". It was so beautiful and peaceful to hear the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
I then began reading the book that has now changed my life. A book my dear Aunt Bonnie had written. "Proud to be a Daughter of God" is the title. Aunt Bonnie was in a terrible car accident back in 1981. Every bone in her body was broken, and she faced many grueling surgeries and physical therapy sessions. Her body recovered much quicker than doctors had anticipated, but the process was dark, painful, and scary. Reading the words of my Aunt Bonnie brought tears to my eyes. There were a few times where I had to set the book down. It was beautiful and sad. Even though our journeys were different, I still felt like I connected with her, and I felt peace knowing all the emotions I have felt have been felt by others before too. I have many heroes in my life, and Aunt Bonnie is one of them. I met her once when I was 8, and thanks to modern technology I have been able to reconnect with her and many of my family members out in Wyoming. Which I am so grateful for.
I spent the last few weeks angry, bitter, sad. I felt sorry for myself at times and wanted so badly to give up. Aunt Bonnie wrote how she felt the same way. But, reading her book really changed my entire perspective. She talked about how if we were to give up when life seems to be unbearable, or impossible, it would make it as if Christ suffered and died for us in vain. Which is not true at all, he loved us so much that he endured every pain in the world. And it is up to us to endure adversity in this lifetime. I had never thought of that before. But, it is so true. I am so grateful for that. So grateful for her faith and endurance.
I am grateful for the dark moments I have had during this journey, because they have taught me to really TRUST in the Lord, and have made me appreciate and love him so much more than I could possibly imagine. I am so grateful that this chapter of my life is almost done. If tomorrow is my official last round of chemo I will be so happy. But, I have also accepted the fact that 4 more rounds may be a possibility which will make it 12 rounds of chemo total. Either way, I have come to realize that the Lord is with me. I have been able to truly come to know him so much better than I ever have in my life.
I am still so grateful for everyone who has been by my side through this journey. Some of you have been there by reading my blog and sharing words of love with me. Some of you have talked to me and just listened to me while I shared my fears and my experiences. Some of you have just been by my side when I needed a friend or made me smile when I was down. MANY of you have kept me in your prayers. I feel so blessed for that.
Now, I just want to say, that I am Proud to be a Daughter of God.
I am so thankful for this experience, I feel like I have grown so much, but I know I still have so much growth and so much to learn. I know that life is full of adversity and it is how we handle it that matters most. The Lord has a plan for each and every one of you. It may be hard to see that at times, but he does. He knows each of you by name. He knows the desires of your hearts, he knows what you need, he knows what will help you. He is real. I have come to learn that time and time again.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 2 and Day 3
So, I am behind... here is Day 2 and Day 3
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.?
Well, there are many people whom I love and adore, and have been close to for a long long time. But, the 2 who have seen me at my strongest, weakest, happiest, saddest, would be Karen Daugherty and Alyssa Evans...
Karen!
Alyssa!
Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.?
Hmm... I don't know if I can just pick one show.. I love so many.. but right now It's a toss up between Parenthood and Modern Family
Parenthood
Modern Family
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.?
Well, there are many people whom I love and adore, and have been close to for a long long time. But, the 2 who have seen me at my strongest, weakest, happiest, saddest, would be Karen Daugherty and Alyssa Evans...
Karen!
Alyssa!
Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.?
Hmm... I don't know if I can just pick one show.. I love so many.. but right now It's a toss up between Parenthood and Modern Family
Parenthood
Modern Family
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The 60 Day Challenge
So, my dear friend Lindsey is doing this "60 day challenge" , I think I wanna do this.. I don't know if I will be able to do it for 60 days, BUT, I will do my darndest.
The 60 Day Challenge.... ( I took it from her blog) love you Linds!
DAY 1 - A Picture with 15 facts
1. I am a Hairstylist at a wonderful salon in Parkville.
2. I love to dance, anywhere and everywhere, whether it's in my room, the middle of the grocery store, or a dancefloor.
3. I have this weird passion for guinea pigs. My parents are allergic to cats/dogs so guinea pigs were the next option for pets. I have been in love with them every since.
4. I LOVE exploring, anything and everything. Whether it's outside or inside.
5. I have a hard time opening up 100% to people, especially if I don't know their intentions, BUT, once I get to know them, they can't shut me up.
6. I have worked hard to get where I am, I know sometimes I think it would be easier to take a few steps back because it seems easy, but I know that easy is never the best way. You have to push yourself and take the road less traveled. "Stand On Higher Ground"
7. I love being outside, Nature/Outdoors is the one thing in life that calms me the most.
8. Laughing is the best medicine in my opinion.
9. I love the Gospel, The Savior Jesus Christ, and Heavenly Father.
10. I tend to hold my feelings/emotion in until they all spew out at once.. haha
which I then feel sorry for the people who are around me when the tears come. :)
11. I have learned to love and appreciate life so much. I now wake up everyday feeling so lucky and so blessed.
12. I would rather be stranded in the mountains, that on an island.
13. I love the people in my life more than anything.
14. I love music.
15. I try to find the good in everyone/everything... even if it's not easy.
The 60 Day Challenge.... ( I took it from her blog) love you Linds!
DAY 1 - A Picture with 15 facts
1. I am a Hairstylist at a wonderful salon in Parkville.
2. I love to dance, anywhere and everywhere, whether it's in my room, the middle of the grocery store, or a dancefloor.
3. I have this weird passion for guinea pigs. My parents are allergic to cats/dogs so guinea pigs were the next option for pets. I have been in love with them every since.
4. I LOVE exploring, anything and everything. Whether it's outside or inside.
5. I have a hard time opening up 100% to people, especially if I don't know their intentions, BUT, once I get to know them, they can't shut me up.
6. I have worked hard to get where I am, I know sometimes I think it would be easier to take a few steps back because it seems easy, but I know that easy is never the best way. You have to push yourself and take the road less traveled. "Stand On Higher Ground"
7. I love being outside, Nature/Outdoors is the one thing in life that calms me the most.
8. Laughing is the best medicine in my opinion.
9. I love the Gospel, The Savior Jesus Christ, and Heavenly Father.
10. I tend to hold my feelings/emotion in until they all spew out at once.. haha
which I then feel sorry for the people who are around me when the tears come. :)
11. I have learned to love and appreciate life so much. I now wake up everyday feeling so lucky and so blessed.
12. I would rather be stranded in the mountains, that on an island.
13. I love the people in my life more than anything.
14. I love music.
15. I try to find the good in everyone/everything... even if it's not easy.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Box of Love!
So, I spent the evening with my dear friend Aftyn, we went to elementary school together, and then cosmetology school together. Well, she started there right when I was finishing up. And, we now work together. Anyway, she gave me the coolest present ever!
A box full of hearts and sunshine!!
The girls from Paul Mitchell all wrote little "love notes" and "notes of encouragement" and then Aftyn made the box. I think this is probably one of the coolest presents ever. Plus, it couldn't have come at a better time!
A box full of hearts and sunshine!!
The girls from Paul Mitchell all wrote little "love notes" and "notes of encouragement" and then Aftyn made the box. I think this is probably one of the coolest presents ever. Plus, it couldn't have come at a better time!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Calm and Happy
So, after a few weeks of being on a roller coaster of emotion, I woke up today for the first time in a while, so HAPPY. It's nice being greeted with a 'clearing in the dark skies' for a brief moment.
This morning, my mind was clear, granted I was pretty tired from the evening before.. it was full of random adventures and good conversations, that were all unplanned and unexpected (those are usually the most memorable experiences). It was almost like a mental/spiritual 'recharge', that was much needed. I felt like I could smile (and mean it) again. And, enjoy simple things like listening to a good song on the radio, putting on a new lip gloss, or even saving a bunny (its a long yet awesome story)
I just feel so much gratitude at this moment.
Even though this journey is still full of much uncertainty, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.
I am still so excited for the upcoming year, I have so many plans, and I'm not going to let having 'cancer' prevent me from living life, being happy, and having fun.
I am sure I will still face moments where I feel as though I won't smile again, but, today is living proof that those moments are far and few in the entire scheme of things.
This morning, my mind was clear, granted I was pretty tired from the evening before.. it was full of random adventures and good conversations, that were all unplanned and unexpected (those are usually the most memorable experiences). It was almost like a mental/spiritual 'recharge', that was much needed. I felt like I could smile (and mean it) again. And, enjoy simple things like listening to a good song on the radio, putting on a new lip gloss, or even saving a bunny (its a long yet awesome story)
I just feel so much gratitude at this moment.
Even though this journey is still full of much uncertainty, I wouldn't trade my life for anything.
I am still so excited for the upcoming year, I have so many plans, and I'm not going to let having 'cancer' prevent me from living life, being happy, and having fun.
I am sure I will still face moments where I feel as though I won't smile again, but, today is living proof that those moments are far and few in the entire scheme of things.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Master Healer
It finally happened, all the emotions from this journey caught up to me. People kept telling me that it would happen, maybe multiple times. They said I would feel sad, alone, mad, all those negative emotions, which I have felt at times through this, but NEVER as strong as they have been recently. I remember feeling them my first round of chemo, because it was such an adjustment. But, these past 2 weeks have probably been the hardest emotionally.
They say going through chemo and those "emotional side effects" are similar to people who suffer from trauma, such as a soldier fighting over seas, or a kidnapped victim. I don't think I really understood that until recently. Today, I feel pretty good. Better than I have felt. If anything this has been a humbling experience.
Tuesday was really rough. I think I spent most of the day crying. Crying because I was sick, because I was tired of medicine, nurses, Tulsa, people asking me how I am doing, explaining how I 'feel' over and over again. I was tired of being uncomfortable, tired of people asking me if I wear a wig or asking me if I have gained weight, tired of worrying about what is next, tired of feeling like I have to be strong all the time. Just all those things. The day before, the doctor told me that once they do the scans I may have to do 4 more rounds of chemo, if the tumor isn't small enough for radiation. That right there I think was the breaking point. I was so upset when I first heard those words. I know that by law she is obligated to say that to me, to cover her bases, but just hearing those words, even though I might not have to do anymore, broke my heart. I didn't show any emotion the whole time I was in Tulsa. I was with my Grandfather and I didn't want to show him how scared I was, or how hurt I was. That's one thing I really don't like doing, is showing emotion. But, that is also what has been so great about this journey, I have had to learn how to share emotion, how to open up, be vulnerable and such. SO, all in all, its been a blessing.
Tuesday night, I was able to talk to a dear friend of mine whom is also a cancer survivor. She has been through so much in her life, and has overcome so much adversity. She just listened to me cry on the phone, and express all my concerns. And then she just filled me with so much courage and hope. I am so grateful for people like that. My Branch President of the congregation I attend in Platte City has always told me, "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on rocks and stone." I love that. It's so true. I know that the whole purpose of this life is to become more like Christ. To become refined. It's hard because in the midst of any trial, the light at the end of the tunnel may seem so far away. But, it is so much closer than we all think. Part of this life is enduring. Is being Patient. Both of which I am learning, and will be learning the rest of my life.
I read a church talk recently, by one of the church leaders, Jeffrey R. Holland, he spoke a lot on Adversity and Enduring. He talked about how the Lord loves broken things. He is the Master Healer. He can heal us from sin, from pain, from sickness. And how we must be as "little children" and come unto him, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And he will heal us. I know that there is no pain he hasn't felt. No emotion he hasn't felt. He knows how we feel. He cries when we cry. He rejoices when we rejoice. I know that. I have felt his love and his presence in my life, especially these past 6 months. He is there with me while I get chemo injected into my body. He is with me when I fell so weak that I can barely walk, or when I feel so sad that I have forgotten how to feel happy. He does the same for all of us if we just let him. I am so grateful for him, for the sacrifice he made so we could live on this earth and have the opportunity to know him. He is real. I know that.
They say going through chemo and those "emotional side effects" are similar to people who suffer from trauma, such as a soldier fighting over seas, or a kidnapped victim. I don't think I really understood that until recently. Today, I feel pretty good. Better than I have felt. If anything this has been a humbling experience.
Tuesday was really rough. I think I spent most of the day crying. Crying because I was sick, because I was tired of medicine, nurses, Tulsa, people asking me how I am doing, explaining how I 'feel' over and over again. I was tired of being uncomfortable, tired of people asking me if I wear a wig or asking me if I have gained weight, tired of worrying about what is next, tired of feeling like I have to be strong all the time. Just all those things. The day before, the doctor told me that once they do the scans I may have to do 4 more rounds of chemo, if the tumor isn't small enough for radiation. That right there I think was the breaking point. I was so upset when I first heard those words. I know that by law she is obligated to say that to me, to cover her bases, but just hearing those words, even though I might not have to do anymore, broke my heart. I didn't show any emotion the whole time I was in Tulsa. I was with my Grandfather and I didn't want to show him how scared I was, or how hurt I was. That's one thing I really don't like doing, is showing emotion. But, that is also what has been so great about this journey, I have had to learn how to share emotion, how to open up, be vulnerable and such. SO, all in all, its been a blessing.
Tuesday night, I was able to talk to a dear friend of mine whom is also a cancer survivor. She has been through so much in her life, and has overcome so much adversity. She just listened to me cry on the phone, and express all my concerns. And then she just filled me with so much courage and hope. I am so grateful for people like that. My Branch President of the congregation I attend in Platte City has always told me, "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on rocks and stone." I love that. It's so true. I know that the whole purpose of this life is to become more like Christ. To become refined. It's hard because in the midst of any trial, the light at the end of the tunnel may seem so far away. But, it is so much closer than we all think. Part of this life is enduring. Is being Patient. Both of which I am learning, and will be learning the rest of my life.
I read a church talk recently, by one of the church leaders, Jeffrey R. Holland, he spoke a lot on Adversity and Enduring. He talked about how the Lord loves broken things. He is the Master Healer. He can heal us from sin, from pain, from sickness. And how we must be as "little children" and come unto him, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And he will heal us. I know that there is no pain he hasn't felt. No emotion he hasn't felt. He knows how we feel. He cries when we cry. He rejoices when we rejoice. I know that. I have felt his love and his presence in my life, especially these past 6 months. He is there with me while I get chemo injected into my body. He is with me when I fell so weak that I can barely walk, or when I feel so sad that I have forgotten how to feel happy. He does the same for all of us if we just let him. I am so grateful for him, for the sacrifice he made so we could live on this earth and have the opportunity to know him. He is real. I know that.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
The Love of My Life
I'm in LOVE!!!
It's been such a long time since I have said those words!!
Introducing my NEW best friend..
Jet Michael Torres
Born February 3, 2011 at 1:01pm
9 pounds, 11 ounces.
Son of the 2 best parents in the world
My dear friends and family..
Whitney and Michael Torres!!
I met my new love on Friday! Just sat there and held this little bundle in my arms for a few hours. It gave me so much peace, and a wonderful reminder about the true purpose of this life.
I love him. I love Whitney and Mike.. you guys are amazing!!
It's been such a long time since I have said those words!!
Introducing my NEW best friend..
Jet Michael Torres
Born February 3, 2011 at 1:01pm
9 pounds, 11 ounces.
Son of the 2 best parents in the world
My dear friends and family..
Whitney and Michael Torres!!
I met my new love on Friday! Just sat there and held this little bundle in my arms for a few hours. It gave me so much peace, and a wonderful reminder about the true purpose of this life.
I love him. I love Whitney and Mike.. you guys are amazing!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Blessings of Little Kids.
I am so blessed to have a wonderful family. Right now, I am on my way down to do my 7th round of chemo. It sounds so strange to say. Round 7...
My dear Grandfather is driving me down this time. Before we left, I had the opportunity to attend my regular church meetings. It was so nice to be able to go and feel peace and the Lord's love. So nice to be surrounded by people who love me and I love in return.
After church, I went over to my grandparents house to prepare to head out on the road. I was greeted by my beautiful family. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My 5 younger cousins filled my heart with peace. I was comforted by their hugs and words of love. The youngest one, my little buddy who is 3, was asleep on the couch. This little guy has helped me so much over the years, well, the short 3 years he has been on this on earth. He has always made me smile. He was there the day I received my diagnosis. I of course didn't tell him what was going on, but I remember holding back tears, he could tell something was wrong, so he came up to me and handed me a toy. "this will make you happy when you are scared"
Just before I left, he woke up, ran through the midst of family, ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug. "I love you Lauren, I will come to your house and get the monsters out". What sweet words from my little buddy.
I still have that little toy.
My dear Grandfather is driving me down this time. Before we left, I had the opportunity to attend my regular church meetings. It was so nice to be able to go and feel peace and the Lord's love. So nice to be surrounded by people who love me and I love in return.
After church, I went over to my grandparents house to prepare to head out on the road. I was greeted by my beautiful family. Grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. My 5 younger cousins filled my heart with peace. I was comforted by their hugs and words of love. The youngest one, my little buddy who is 3, was asleep on the couch. This little guy has helped me so much over the years, well, the short 3 years he has been on this on earth. He has always made me smile. He was there the day I received my diagnosis. I of course didn't tell him what was going on, but I remember holding back tears, he could tell something was wrong, so he came up to me and handed me a toy. "this will make you happy when you are scared"
Just before I left, he woke up, ran through the midst of family, ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug. "I love you Lauren, I will come to your house and get the monsters out". What sweet words from my little buddy.
I still have that little toy.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Guitar Pick Necklaces, Salons, and Guinea Pigs.
I got it in the Mail!!
My Mumford & Sons guitar pick necklace (not that any of you really care about that.) But, I am very excited about this. I love it!
Today has been such a good day! Well, this whole week has been a great one! I was stressed/frazzled at the beginning of it. But, things have calmed down now. I am preparing for my future. Well, the future months that lie ahead anyway. I am so excited about all the new opportunities that await. I feel as though my eyes have been opened.
Work, is AMAZING. It's so fast paced. I seem to thrive off of the energy in our salon. We are now at our NEW location and I LOVE IT!!! I feel a rush every time I am there! We have new clients coming in every single day and I find myself there more than I am anywhere else. I LOVE IT!! One really neat thing about Rio is all of us girls are really like a family. It's so nice to be surrounded by wonderful people everyday. We have all grown together and been through so much. We've seen each others lives evolve. From new relationships to break ups, to health problems, to baby births and weddings. We have ALL been there for each other. It's literally like working with sisters everyday. I don't think any of us have ever had any problems with each other, its amazing, and rare. That was my one fear about starting in a salon, I was afraid of cattiness and drama. It's so nice, because you don't find that at Rio.
Here are some pics of the new place!! They were taken from a cellphone so they aren't a very good quality, but they still look great.
This is what you see from the doorway
The Lady Painting!! My favorite part!
The waiting area
The Front Desk
Today, I paid off a credit card that I had been trying to pay off for a long time. I felt so relieved and empowered. For a while, (because I was so sick) I wasn't working very much at all, maybe one day every other week. So obviously my income was next to nothing. But, I know that the Lord has blessed me, he has helped my business grow so much, especially in the last 3 weeks. It's amazing. I know I wouldn't be where I am without him. I thank him every single day.
Change of subject...I have been reading this awesome book. It is called "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Wells. It's a Memoir she wrote about her grandmother Lily Casey, who grew up during the Depression. Let me just say, Lily Casey is so inspiring. She did so much in her life. She grew up in Arizona and broke wild horses, which basically means she trained wild horse so they could be ridden. Eventually, Lily had the opportunity to attend school for a short time, and began teaching. She also faced her own trials with the death of her sister and losing her job. Lily eventually gets married and has a few kids. She learns how to drive a car (which in the 1900's is a big deal) AND she even flies an airplane!! (how cool is that?!) Speaking of airplanes. The other day I was at lunch with my old friend Christina. I was telling her about this show I have been watching (a few of you have heard me talk about it) called "Flying Wild Alaska", it's basically about pilots. I was telling her how I think it would be so cool to fly an airplane. Well, later that day I said it has a random thought to my friend/boss Sonia. "Go For IT!" she said enthusiastically. "I think you should make your dreams happen" So, I researched it. And I am proud to say, that I am going to take flying lessons.
This is not a joke, I know it seems like a very random thing. But, I am very excited about this. I talked to my Uncle Troy, he also has taken lessons. And my Uncle Phil was a professional Sky Diver for a long time, so they both know pilots and flight instructors. I've decided that once I finish paying off the small amount of debt I have left, I am going to take lessons.
To get a Private Pilot License (which means I can fly anywhere with family and friends.. I can fly above 10,000 feet in the air) I would need 40 hours of airtime. 20 of them would be with an instructor. And 10 would be on my own. Yes, that is 30 hours. Well, they didn't say what the other 10 hours are.
So, If you guys have dreams, and goals, and ideas that seem far fetched (kind of like mine) Don't let people talk you out of them. Go for it! Achieve those dreams! We are given the opportunity to live on this earth for such a brief moment in time, we are all meant to be happy, meant to learn things, to enjoy life.
The last thing I want to do is to look back on my life and "wished" I would have done something. The scariest thing about achieving your dreams is taking a chance. Making it happen. It's liberating, fun, but also scary.
You shouldn't let that stop you though.
Random topic change (I am in such a good/chatty mood.. go with it)
It's crazy, I look at the world so differently now. It's like I have a new set of eyes, or like I am seeing it for the first time. I can't explain it. I was talking to a friend about that, she was telling me how its similar to people who have had near death experiences, they literally change. Now, I didn't really have a near death experience, some would say I have looked death in the eyes. I guess I have, I mean, if I gave up on the treatment, it would eventually have shortened my life. But, I wasn't that bad when they found the cancer. I am so happy I didn't put it off longer than I did. I mean, I put off going back to the doctor almost 6 months (NEVER do that.. ) The thought of what "could have" happened makes me shudder. I just can't believe I am almost done with chemo. I found out, the chemo they have been giving me is some of the strongest a person can get. And, that a person can only have so much of it in one lifetime. That's a crazy thought. One of the chemos is known as " The Red Death" or "The Red Devil" nice huh?? I hear it's the worst. But, I think the second one they give me is the worst. I get 4 of them. The first one, Adriamycin (yuck.. Red Death,.. it's literally bright red..) The second one, Bleomycin (my least favorite.. the worst in my opinion) gives me this awful taste in my mouth that lasts for over a week and it makes my teeth hurt (who would have thought.. teeth hurting.. apparently it can rot your teeth... gross huh?? luckily mine aren't rotten!) The third one, Vinblastine.. It's okay, I don't hate it.. I don't feel it affects me very much. And the last one.. Decarbazine (or something like that.. medicines are too long..) It's alright too.. The whole process of injecting my body with this stuff takes 4 to 5 hours.. I'm usually asleep for part of it because they give me an entire syringe full of benadryl (I can taste it when when they put it in my IV) Then, they give me all this other junk like steroids which weigh at least a pound in the bag.. And some anti-nausea stuff. It's weird, I can tell which one is doing what in my body. Okay, just typing those last few sentences makes me feel sick. Seriously, the mind really is a powerful thing. NO matter what, I feel as though I will ALWAYS remember this experience. I know I won't obsess over it, but I also know that a day won't and doesn't go by where I won't think about it. It's a part of who I am. It doesn't define me, it has helped mold me. I know I talk about that a lot, I mainly type it for myself, so that I will remember why I went through this.
So, there you have it. My entire thought process from the last 24 hours. I bet you loved every minute of it.
I'm learning to open up more. It's not easy for me. But, I feel it's important that I do. I have wonderful people who are helping me do this. I should pay you guys, its kind of like what a therapist would do.
Oh and I am going to end with the CUTEST picture ever. This is my guinea pig Cleo!
Well, she died a year and half ago, she lived 7 years!! I just found this picture and it just melted my heart. I would love to have another one someday. I know I would take care of them more than I would a dog. Or, I would love a cat. But, I wouldn't love the smell. So, never mind, this picture will do for now.
Ooooooooh.. It really does just MELT my Heart!
My Mumford & Sons guitar pick necklace (not that any of you really care about that.) But, I am very excited about this. I love it!
Today has been such a good day! Well, this whole week has been a great one! I was stressed/frazzled at the beginning of it. But, things have calmed down now. I am preparing for my future. Well, the future months that lie ahead anyway. I am so excited about all the new opportunities that await. I feel as though my eyes have been opened.
Work, is AMAZING. It's so fast paced. I seem to thrive off of the energy in our salon. We are now at our NEW location and I LOVE IT!!! I feel a rush every time I am there! We have new clients coming in every single day and I find myself there more than I am anywhere else. I LOVE IT!! One really neat thing about Rio is all of us girls are really like a family. It's so nice to be surrounded by wonderful people everyday. We have all grown together and been through so much. We've seen each others lives evolve. From new relationships to break ups, to health problems, to baby births and weddings. We have ALL been there for each other. It's literally like working with sisters everyday. I don't think any of us have ever had any problems with each other, its amazing, and rare. That was my one fear about starting in a salon, I was afraid of cattiness and drama. It's so nice, because you don't find that at Rio.
Here are some pics of the new place!! They were taken from a cellphone so they aren't a very good quality, but they still look great.
This is what you see from the doorway
The Lady Painting!! My favorite part!
The waiting area
The Front Desk
Today, I paid off a credit card that I had been trying to pay off for a long time. I felt so relieved and empowered. For a while, (because I was so sick) I wasn't working very much at all, maybe one day every other week. So obviously my income was next to nothing. But, I know that the Lord has blessed me, he has helped my business grow so much, especially in the last 3 weeks. It's amazing. I know I wouldn't be where I am without him. I thank him every single day.
Change of subject...I have been reading this awesome book. It is called "Half Broke Horses" by Jeannette Wells. It's a Memoir she wrote about her grandmother Lily Casey, who grew up during the Depression. Let me just say, Lily Casey is so inspiring. She did so much in her life. She grew up in Arizona and broke wild horses, which basically means she trained wild horse so they could be ridden. Eventually, Lily had the opportunity to attend school for a short time, and began teaching. She also faced her own trials with the death of her sister and losing her job. Lily eventually gets married and has a few kids. She learns how to drive a car (which in the 1900's is a big deal) AND she even flies an airplane!! (how cool is that?!) Speaking of airplanes. The other day I was at lunch with my old friend Christina. I was telling her about this show I have been watching (a few of you have heard me talk about it) called "Flying Wild Alaska", it's basically about pilots. I was telling her how I think it would be so cool to fly an airplane. Well, later that day I said it has a random thought to my friend/boss Sonia. "Go For IT!" she said enthusiastically. "I think you should make your dreams happen" So, I researched it. And I am proud to say, that I am going to take flying lessons.
This is not a joke, I know it seems like a very random thing. But, I am very excited about this. I talked to my Uncle Troy, he also has taken lessons. And my Uncle Phil was a professional Sky Diver for a long time, so they both know pilots and flight instructors. I've decided that once I finish paying off the small amount of debt I have left, I am going to take lessons.
To get a Private Pilot License (which means I can fly anywhere with family and friends.. I can fly above 10,000 feet in the air) I would need 40 hours of airtime. 20 of them would be with an instructor. And 10 would be on my own. Yes, that is 30 hours. Well, they didn't say what the other 10 hours are.
So, If you guys have dreams, and goals, and ideas that seem far fetched (kind of like mine) Don't let people talk you out of them. Go for it! Achieve those dreams! We are given the opportunity to live on this earth for such a brief moment in time, we are all meant to be happy, meant to learn things, to enjoy life.
The last thing I want to do is to look back on my life and "wished" I would have done something. The scariest thing about achieving your dreams is taking a chance. Making it happen. It's liberating, fun, but also scary.
You shouldn't let that stop you though.
Random topic change (I am in such a good/chatty mood.. go with it)
It's crazy, I look at the world so differently now. It's like I have a new set of eyes, or like I am seeing it for the first time. I can't explain it. I was talking to a friend about that, she was telling me how its similar to people who have had near death experiences, they literally change. Now, I didn't really have a near death experience, some would say I have looked death in the eyes. I guess I have, I mean, if I gave up on the treatment, it would eventually have shortened my life. But, I wasn't that bad when they found the cancer. I am so happy I didn't put it off longer than I did. I mean, I put off going back to the doctor almost 6 months (NEVER do that.. ) The thought of what "could have" happened makes me shudder. I just can't believe I am almost done with chemo. I found out, the chemo they have been giving me is some of the strongest a person can get. And, that a person can only have so much of it in one lifetime. That's a crazy thought. One of the chemos is known as " The Red Death" or "The Red Devil" nice huh?? I hear it's the worst. But, I think the second one they give me is the worst. I get 4 of them. The first one, Adriamycin (yuck.. Red Death,.. it's literally bright red..) The second one, Bleomycin (my least favorite.. the worst in my opinion) gives me this awful taste in my mouth that lasts for over a week and it makes my teeth hurt (who would have thought.. teeth hurting.. apparently it can rot your teeth... gross huh?? luckily mine aren't rotten!) The third one, Vinblastine.. It's okay, I don't hate it.. I don't feel it affects me very much. And the last one.. Decarbazine (or something like that.. medicines are too long..) It's alright too.. The whole process of injecting my body with this stuff takes 4 to 5 hours.. I'm usually asleep for part of it because they give me an entire syringe full of benadryl (I can taste it when when they put it in my IV) Then, they give me all this other junk like steroids which weigh at least a pound in the bag.. And some anti-nausea stuff. It's weird, I can tell which one is doing what in my body. Okay, just typing those last few sentences makes me feel sick. Seriously, the mind really is a powerful thing. NO matter what, I feel as though I will ALWAYS remember this experience. I know I won't obsess over it, but I also know that a day won't and doesn't go by where I won't think about it. It's a part of who I am. It doesn't define me, it has helped mold me. I know I talk about that a lot, I mainly type it for myself, so that I will remember why I went through this.
So, there you have it. My entire thought process from the last 24 hours. I bet you loved every minute of it.
I'm learning to open up more. It's not easy for me. But, I feel it's important that I do. I have wonderful people who are helping me do this. I should pay you guys, its kind of like what a therapist would do.
Oh and I am going to end with the CUTEST picture ever. This is my guinea pig Cleo!
Well, she died a year and half ago, she lived 7 years!! I just found this picture and it just melted my heart. I would love to have another one someday. I know I would take care of them more than I would a dog. Or, I would love a cat. But, I wouldn't love the smell. So, never mind, this picture will do for now.
Ooooooooh.. It really does just MELT my Heart!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Dreams
I have big dreams.
There is a list of things I want to do within the next year.
The next 5 years.
I'm starting my planning today.
Making them happen.
Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you.
Live your dreams.
You can make your dreams happen.
I can make my dreams happen.
Don't listen to the reasons why you 'cant' do something.
Think of reasons why you CAN.
Never limit yourself.
There is a list of things I want to do within the next year.
The next 5 years.
I'm starting my planning today.
Making them happen.
Don't let the voice of critics paralyze you.
Live your dreams.
You can make your dreams happen.
I can make my dreams happen.
Don't listen to the reasons why you 'cant' do something.
Think of reasons why you CAN.
Never limit yourself.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Finding Clarity
I am so happy. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. Despite having cancer, these past 6 months have probably been the calmest, funnest (not sure if that's the proper way to use that word), happiest I have had in years. For the first time, I don't let things get me down like I did before. I am not as sensitive or easily offended like I was before. I even LOVE things that 6 months ago, I NEVER would have thought I would love.
I feel clarity for the first time, I go with the flow. I am content. I am calm. I am happy.
I love, love, LOVE what I do everyday. I love being at the salon. I love the girls I work with. I love the friendships/sisterships we have made. I love art. I love makeup. I love exploring. I love nature. I LOVE ALASKA :) I love my Parents and Brother. I love documentaries. I love learning and expanding my mind. I love fire and hunting. I love being outside. I love waking up to a new day. Before Cancer or B.C., it would take me forever to crawl out of bed. I wasn't enthusiastic about starting a new day. I ALWAYS had to be somewhere, be with people, be doing something or I wasn't happy. But Now, I enjoy getting out of bed in the mornings. I love what each new day brings, even if it's not "exciting". Even if it is a day full of chemo, full of being sick, full of physical pain, I still enjoy being able to wakeup and to have the opportunity to face and learn from each new day.
I am beginning to feel, and believe that this trial is what I needed. I needed it more than I realized. Before, I was on this downward spiral, I felt like my life was beginning to be out of control. I remember thinking to myself "I am going to be like this forever?" And then, I woke up one day and it drastically changed. I was scared. I was unsure of what the future held. I felt like I was walking through a dark forest and wasn't able to see the clearing. But now, I finally made it to that clearing. I never thought I would get here. But, I did. I survived. I was able to make it through one of the hardest, realest, unimaginable things. But, I faced it, denied it, tried to run from it, accepted it, embraced it, and learned from it. Now, I know I can get through anything. I know that life really isn't as bad as I was making it before.
I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
I feel clarity for the first time, I go with the flow. I am content. I am calm. I am happy.
I love, love, LOVE what I do everyday. I love being at the salon. I love the girls I work with. I love the friendships/sisterships we have made. I love art. I love makeup. I love exploring. I love nature. I LOVE ALASKA :) I love my Parents and Brother. I love documentaries. I love learning and expanding my mind. I love fire and hunting. I love being outside. I love waking up to a new day. Before Cancer or B.C., it would take me forever to crawl out of bed. I wasn't enthusiastic about starting a new day. I ALWAYS had to be somewhere, be with people, be doing something or I wasn't happy. But Now, I enjoy getting out of bed in the mornings. I love what each new day brings, even if it's not "exciting". Even if it is a day full of chemo, full of being sick, full of physical pain, I still enjoy being able to wakeup and to have the opportunity to face and learn from each new day.
I am beginning to feel, and believe that this trial is what I needed. I needed it more than I realized. Before, I was on this downward spiral, I felt like my life was beginning to be out of control. I remember thinking to myself "I am going to be like this forever?" And then, I woke up one day and it drastically changed. I was scared. I was unsure of what the future held. I felt like I was walking through a dark forest and wasn't able to see the clearing. But now, I finally made it to that clearing. I never thought I would get here. But, I did. I survived. I was able to make it through one of the hardest, realest, unimaginable things. But, I faced it, denied it, tried to run from it, accepted it, embraced it, and learned from it. Now, I know I can get through anything. I know that life really isn't as bad as I was making it before.
I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A New Dress
The end of this road is now in sight. It's finally February, I never thought I would see this month. Back in October, it seemed so far away. I am so happy the worst is almost over. So happy. So happy for new opportunities that lie ahead, so happy to have a new chapter start. This one will always be engraved upon my heart.
I met another gentleman on Sunday at the Treatment Center. I was waiting to get bloodwork done, he walked in the waiting room and began to tell me that his wife was in ICU, and that he had just gotten back from Steinmart, he had permission to take her with him so she could pick out a new dress and shoes to wear when she met Jesus. He was so composed when he told me this. I had never seen him before, I was a stranger to him, yet, he shared that moment with me. I tried to offer him words of comfort, but all I could do was tell him that everything was going to be okay, as I held back tears. I went back to my room and cried. Cried because of the pain that man and his family must be feeling. Cried because being surrounded by amazing and strong people who are also fighting for their lives scares me. I know it scares them too, I've seen it in their eyes. My brother had the opportunity to go to Tulsa with me this time. He sat with me while they hooked me up to the machine that is saving my life. He sat there while I slept, while I was in pain. He said the moment that really made him sad the most was when he saw the look of fear in my eyes while we were there. He said he had never seen that look before. He said it made this whole thing so real.
it is real. But, it's almost done. Soon, it will be done and I can focus my energy and time on other things. But, at this very moment, it's most important that I focus on this. It's taught me alot about myself, which in turn I am so grateful for. I've rediscovered who I am, what I love, what I need, and even what I don't need. I feel as though I have waited my whole life to get to this point. I know that life is constantly about learning, progressing, and changing. So I am pretty sure 5 years from now I will be even more different than I am today. But, it's up to me how I get there. I'm going to take everything I've learned and use it for good, and will continue to be a daugther of Heavenly Father. If it weren't for him and all the tender mercies he has blessed me with, I wouldn't be here today.
Life is a blessing.. It's one I am going to cherish for the rest of my life :)
I met another gentleman on Sunday at the Treatment Center. I was waiting to get bloodwork done, he walked in the waiting room and began to tell me that his wife was in ICU, and that he had just gotten back from Steinmart, he had permission to take her with him so she could pick out a new dress and shoes to wear when she met Jesus. He was so composed when he told me this. I had never seen him before, I was a stranger to him, yet, he shared that moment with me. I tried to offer him words of comfort, but all I could do was tell him that everything was going to be okay, as I held back tears. I went back to my room and cried. Cried because of the pain that man and his family must be feeling. Cried because being surrounded by amazing and strong people who are also fighting for their lives scares me. I know it scares them too, I've seen it in their eyes. My brother had the opportunity to go to Tulsa with me this time. He sat with me while they hooked me up to the machine that is saving my life. He sat there while I slept, while I was in pain. He said the moment that really made him sad the most was when he saw the look of fear in my eyes while we were there. He said he had never seen that look before. He said it made this whole thing so real.
it is real. But, it's almost done. Soon, it will be done and I can focus my energy and time on other things. But, at this very moment, it's most important that I focus on this. It's taught me alot about myself, which in turn I am so grateful for. I've rediscovered who I am, what I love, what I need, and even what I don't need. I feel as though I have waited my whole life to get to this point. I know that life is constantly about learning, progressing, and changing. So I am pretty sure 5 years from now I will be even more different than I am today. But, it's up to me how I get there. I'm going to take everything I've learned and use it for good, and will continue to be a daugther of Heavenly Father. If it weren't for him and all the tender mercies he has blessed me with, I wouldn't be here today.
Life is a blessing.. It's one I am going to cherish for the rest of my life :)
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