3 years

~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much. The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had. Untitled "Your life can change in a moment I've heard that time and time again But I had no idea what that meant Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend A Friend? It's such a kind label One may wonder why it could be considered such But, for me it has helped me to grow And to cherish this life so much I'll always remember that phone call The day my life drastically changed. The words, the emotions, the fear Made my life become deranged. I didn't have all the answers Didn't know what would lie ahead. I didn't know if I was going to make it. Or if I would end up dead. My support system instantly manifested. 'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say. But their loving words, their kindness Didn't seem to take the pain away. I'll never forget that Thursday I'll never forget the tears. I collapsed, crumpled on the floor A few minutes felt like many years. I thought of my future, my husband, my family. Would I meet them in this lifetime? Would they be able to know me? I thought of my parents, And how this friend would hurt them so. How do I introduce them, to a thing they would NEVER wish to know? This journey has taught me to be Thankful, To realize how blessed I truly am. So I'm thankful for EVERY single day, Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb. I'm Thankful for the pain, That I felt every single Night. The way my body and my spirit Naturally decided to Fight. I'm Thankful for the clippers, Which took away my hair. It taught me to feel EMPOWERED, Rather than feel despair. I'm Thankful for the Chemo That beat my body down. For I know that it's purpose, Was to run the Villan out of the Town. I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights, Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt Because I was able to rely on the Father, It taught me to reach out. I traded in my Vanity For scars that cover my Body. They will be there everyday, But, I won't let them haunt Me. The marks that cover my hands The port inside my chest Will constantly be a reminder Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest. My wig, though it's a hassle I take it every where I go It allows me to feel "NORMAL" While I am dealing with the Foe. I called this cancer my friend It has literally changed who I am. It has left it's mark, It has become my #1 fan. It wants to be with me forever. It wants my body to be it's home. But, I refuse to let it. I won't let this Stranger roam. A stranger, a foe, a friend So many names I've called it It's all of those, I can't just pick one One name just doesn't seem to fit. I know that once this trial is over A new one will arise. But, I know how to face my fears now, I am able to look them straight in the eyes. I testify that Christ is real. He has been with me along the way. He continues to love and bless Me Each and Every Single Day. You never know how strong you are When things go out of your control. You have to let go, You have to have Faith And allow Christ to play his role. I'll always remember that Thursday The day my life drastically changed. I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior, From me he will NEVER be estranged."

October 14, 2010

It has certainly been quite some time (almost a year and a half), since I have writen on my blog. Tomorrow, October 14,2013 is the 3 year anniversary since I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Gosh, it's hard for me to think back to that moment, so many emotions were felt. It is certainly a day I will never, ever, forget. Thursday October 14, 2013. I was 22 years old. I had had surgery a few days prior, they took out part of a tumor from my neck, to biopsy it and make sure it wasn't cancer. 2 days after the surgery, I went back to work. Being in the salon, doing what I love, helped me so much during that time. It helped me to escape my worries of the unknown. It was a Thursday. I went to the salon, waiting for the doctor to figure out what the mass in my neck was. I kept my phone close to my side. I was in the middle of a men's haircut when the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I only knew it must have meant one thing. I excused myself and went into the bathroom (the quietest place in the salon) and answered. The voice on the other line was a familiar one. It was the doctor who had performed the surgery. Keep in mind, a few weeks prior to this, the doctors were almost 95% sure that the tumor was In fact malignant. He spoke to me, letting me know how the surgery went and what the biopsy results were. I felt sick to my stomach. The tone in his voice wasn't that of a doctor speaking to a patient. It was almost as if it were a friend, bearing devastating news. He said those dreaded words, "You have cancer". I remained calm. I politely thanked him for calling me and we said our farewells. In that instant, I literally collapsed on the floor, into a ball and began sobbing and sobbing. I don't think I had cried like that in years. After a few minutes, I composed myself, wiped my tears away, and I knew I had to face the world. The girls at the salon knew, without me even saying a word, what the results were. They all began to give me hugs as the tears poured out. I remember sitting in a chair and all I a sudden my boss, mentor, and friend, came back and held me in her arms as I cried uncontrollably. She kept telling me that she loved me and that "we would get through this". I drove home that day. I knew my parents were out on a date. It had been some time since they went because they were consumed by the stress of my health issues. I didn't want to call them and give them the awful news. I wanted them to have an evening of joy, before I destroyed their world. I called many different people on my way home. I can't quite recall whom I called, in what order. But I remember, not being able to get a hold of anyone. I ended up calling my childhood best friend/brother Morgan. He had been one of the few people whom had known the possibility for cancer was high. Getting the words out were just the beginning of the many hard things I would have to say in the next year. I got home, and I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I went home and told my Aunt and cousins, they live next door to my parents. I went over there and shared the news with tears in my eyes. I was finally able to share the news with my wonderful parents. The worst feeling in the world is not so much receiving a possible death sentence, but, was telling my loved ones what was going on, and seeing their hearts literally break right in front of me. I ended up sending out a mass text to my close friends... I knew I needed to tell everyone in my life. They needed to know what was going on, just incase I didn't make it. They will all tell you how casual I made the text. Haha I didn't want to startle them. I believe the text went something like this.. "Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know, the docs found a mass in my neck and chest, it's cancer. But, I'm sure I'll be fine! I love you!" I mean, how else do you tell your friends and loved ones that your body is consumed by a deadly disease, without causing them to panic. I mean, I knew they would figure it out anyway, if I didn't tell them. He bald head and sickly body would for sure give it away. The next few days after my diagnosis were a whirlwind. I met so many people who were such a wonderful support to me. I met a few cancer warriors whom had been through what I was going through, except their stories and fights are more incredible than mine. Lori Lober, Jackie Malena, and Jessica Airington, your guys strength and courage let me know that I could also beat this. We met with different doctors through out the Kansas City area. But, we didn't have much luck. Finally, after much research, prayer, and patience, my dad saw a commercial for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We made the phone call, and were able to get an appointment for me to meet with their highly trained team of cancer specialists. The closest location to me at the time was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, it was mid October, my favorite month. There was no way I was going to be on deaths door from chemotherapy during my favorite month. I decided that November 1,2010 would be the day we could make the 4 hour drive to meet my doctors. Eventually, we had a plan set up on how to fight the disease. I felt peaceful. Little did I know/understand/comprehend the upcoming days, nights, weeks, months, and even few years of pure Hell and darkness that awaited me. Through the journey, I was able to feel the healing powers of Christ and his Atonement. The healing powered of the priesthood, faith, fasting, and prayers from many people across the world, and a positive attitude, are truly what saved my life in the end. The safety of the gospel, temple, my family and loved ones gave me much comfort. I am thankful that it's been 3 years since that awful day. I am thankful I kept fighting. I continued to live my life as normal as possible. Only a small handful of my clients knew what I was going through. I continued working at the salon the entire time I was sick. I would receive 8 hours of chemotherapy on a Monday, drive home the next day, and return to work that Wednesday. Work is what kept me from freaking out. I was able to feel like a "normal, healthy" Individual. I can't believe it's been 3 years.