Lisa Grace

I have been blessed greatly.

I think back constantly to a beautiful conversation that I had with my dear friend Lisa, a few months ago. She lives out in Utah, we met over the phone actually through my other dear friend Kelly, while I was going through chemo. We both have a special connection to cancer, which instantly created a bond that is unbreakable. Lisa and I met officially in person last summer, and spent the afternoon in the Draper, Utah temple. And then drove around through the mountains talking about everything.


Lisa and I spoke on the phone a few months ago. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out. She told me that she was going to pray for specific blessings for me in my life, and was going to pray for me to be blessed and have continued strength. She also challenged me to pray continually to Heavenly Father to help myself restrengthen my relationship with him. I hadn't lost it, but I had forgotten how to pray and ask for things, whether it was help or guidance.


Lisa, I have to say, you are one of my guardian angels. I have felt the love of your prayers and the blessings of them. I see them every single day, and not a day goes by that I don't notice that. I am forever grateful for you and the wonderful sistership we share.

You are beautiful, and I am also so happy for the wonderful blessings in your life. I look forward to many more memories we will create and also look forward to finally meeting that new hubby of yours! You are special, I know it, your hubby knows, the people who are surrounded by you know it and of course, our Father in Heaven knows it too.


I love you so much.

Thank you.

Dear Best Friend,

I love you more than anything. We have been through so much together. We've seen each other cry, heard each other laugh, and done plenty of crazy things together. We've shared our inner most thoughts and secrets with each other, knowing that no judgement would ever follow. We have supported each others life decisions, whether we agreed with them or not.

We can go days, weeks, even months without seeing each other or even speaking, but as soon as we reconnect, we just pick up where we left off.

You have been there for me during my struggles, you always reminded me how much you love, admire and appreciate me. I just want you to know, that hasn't ever gone unnoticed. And I will be there for you during your time of need.

I look back fondly on all of our adventures together. We have done some pretty amazing things together, and even separately in our own lives. I know the Lord put us in each others paths for a reason. And I am forever grateful for that.

Always remember how beautiful you are. How important to me you are. I consider you a part of my family. I am proud of you, of the amazing person you have become. It's crazy to think, we were mere children when we met, children who thought they knew everything. It's funny, we really had no idea, huh? That's the wonderful thing about growing up.

I love you, I think of you every single day. I thank the Lord for you on a daily basis as well. Remember, the world is a much happier place with you in it. Keep on shining and inspiring people. Even if you have days where you don't feel like you are special, remember that you are special to me, to your family and to our Heavenly Father.

I look forward to more fun adventures, to new life experiences that I can share with you! Thank you for being my rock, my mentor, my friend. I love you.


Love, Lauren or as you call me "LC"

I love this.



I hope that everyone can reach this point, it's not easy, but it is possible. :).


And once you get there, you will feel a sense of freedom, you forgot possible.

Kia Kaha

I was getting dressed this morning and as I looked in the mirror and saw the scars that cover my chest and abdomen, I was overcome with emotion. For the first time in a while,I felt a sense of empowerment. I saw all of my scars (the old and the new) as something to treasure. They are what set me apart. They define my character, they have contributed to the person I have become. I am proud of the person I am. I couldn't say that 2 years ago. But, now i can.

The past year has been "the year" marker for different things. I can wake up each day and remember exactly where I was a year ago. Whether i was in surgery, receiving chemo, losing my hair, feeling like death was next to me. I remember those emotional drives down to Tulsa. I would literally hold back tears the entire drive. I didn't want my family to see my pain, my fear, my dread. I am sure they knew. I was a cold person. I rarely spoke the entire time we were down there. Whenever I was hooked up to the chemo machine, I would get up out of my chair and push my giant IV into the bathroom with me, collapse on the floor and cry. That was the only time I could be alone, to compose my thoughts. I would cry and pray, I would tell God that I understood the journey I was on was necessary, but I would plead with him that it would be over with soon. I'm sure it wasn't fair for me to ask him that. We shouldn't ask him to take away our trials. They are given to us for a reason.

This past Holiday season was wonderful. I wasn't looking forward to it in the beginning. It was going to be a reminder to me of how sick I was last year, of the "dark" place I was in. I honestly didn't think I would see another holiday season from a "healthy" standpoint.

I did. I saw the holidays from a "healthy" standpoint. God blessed me, he softened my heart.

The end of 2011 was blissful. I was able to spend all my time with old friends, friends I had forgotten about. It was wonderful. I was able to spend time with my family, with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was amazing. I felt so much unconditional love for all of them. I've been able to recognize the people in my life who truly love and appreciate me. Some I knew were always there, and others I hadn't even realized were there. That is the real treasure in life. The friends who are in our lives, who sacrifice their time to serve, to lift and to just be a friend. My spirits were lifted so much this past week.

So far, 2012 has been wonderful. No chemo and no wigs are a plus. But, I've been able to live in the moment again. I've released myself from all the negative feelings from the past year. Whether they were from being sick, from people who let me down, or residual emotions from the shock and trauma of all that has happened. I've allowed myself to be happy.

I look forward to a new year. I know that no matter what happens, I will be able to get through. I will be able to be happy. I have faced my worst fears, some of them I have faced multiple times, others I have faced once. I am grateful for the journey I have been on. Thankful for my scars. I used to see them as ugly, I used to resent them, I would try to conceal them. But they are beautiful to me. I love them and they will remind me every single day of the darkness I faced. They will remind me everysingle day, how strong I really am. I had no idea it was in me. You never truly know how strong you are until you are faced with life changing experiences.

My favorite expression that I think of everyday. "Kia Kaha" - forever strong

My Christmas Miracle

I feel so full of light.

I love Our Father in Heaven, I love His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.

My heart is full, I feel as though i have finally received the peace and closure that I have been searching for the past year.

I feel as though I am being made whole again, slowly, but surely, I am getting there.

That is a Christmas Miracle for me, in of itself.

I feel joyous.

As I am laying here, I began to think about the past few months. Every moment that I can recall. Every emotion I have felt. Every thought that has crossed my mind.

I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.

I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.

I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.

I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.

I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.

That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.

Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.

I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.

I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.

The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.

That was the start for me.

I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.

I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.

I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.

I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.

Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.

This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.

Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.

Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.

Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.

A Moment of Bliss

I walked out of class tonight, it was raining, cold, and gross outside.

I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.

I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.

It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.

I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.

I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.

I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.


These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)

I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.


I feel bliss right now.

That's all I can say :)


Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"


~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.

~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)

~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.

~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)

~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!

~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.