I feel so full of light.
I love Our Father in Heaven, I love His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.
My heart is full, I feel as though i have finally received the peace and closure that I have been searching for the past year.
I feel as though I am being made whole again, slowly, but surely, I am getting there.
That is a Christmas Miracle for me, in of itself.
I feel joyous.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
As I am laying here, I began to think about the past few months. Every moment that I can recall. Every emotion I have felt. Every thought that has crossed my mind.
I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.
I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.
I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.
I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.
I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.
That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.
Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.
I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.
I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.
The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.
That was the start for me.
I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.
I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.
I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.
I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.
Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.
This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.
Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.
Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.
I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.
I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.
I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.
I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.
I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.
That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.
Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.
I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.
I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.
The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.
That was the start for me.
I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.
I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.
I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.
I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.
Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.
This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.
Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.
Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
A Moment of Bliss
I walked out of class tonight, it was raining, cold, and gross outside.
I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.
I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.
It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.
I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.
I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.
I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.
These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)
I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.
I feel bliss right now.
That's all I can say :)
Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"
~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.
~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)
~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.
~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)
~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!
~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.
I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.
I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.
It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.
I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.
I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.
I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.
These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)
I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.
I feel bliss right now.
That's all I can say :)
Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"
~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.
~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)
~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.
~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)
~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!
~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Sequined Slippers and Un-Brushed Hair
The past few Sunday's I have been teaching the 7 year olds in Primary. I forgot how funny kids are.
They are so knowledgeable and so full of light.
They also say and ask the funniest things.. sometimes the words that come out of their mouth may come across as rude, but I find them hilarious.
Like today for example...
I was very tired and I accidentally showed up for my class in my black, sequin slippers. I forgot that I was wearing them around the house when I was getting ready for church this morning.
One little girl in my class was very puzzled as to why I wore "slippers" to church. Every 5 minutes or so as I was teaching the lesson, she would raise her hand and ask me the same question..
"Sister Carey?? How come you are wearing your slippers?"
or
"Sister Carey?? Didn't your Mom tell you that slippers are supposed to be worn at home?"
I couldn't help but smile and chuckle everytime she asked me about my foot wear.
She was VERY concerened about why a grown up would accidentally wear slippers to church.
It was adorable...
The NEXT funny moment.. was when we had finished our lesson and it was time to go back into the Primary Room with all the other kids so they could sing a closing song and have a closing prayer.
One of the girls in my class turned to me and said..
"Sister Carey? Did you forget to brush your hair?"
haha.. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing... I actually had "Brushed" my hair and styled it .. basically like I normally do. But, to a 7 year old.. the hairstyle looks very messy..
I love teaching the Primary Kids! They make me laugh and bring me so much Joy!
They are so knowledgeable and so full of light.
They also say and ask the funniest things.. sometimes the words that come out of their mouth may come across as rude, but I find them hilarious.
Like today for example...
I was very tired and I accidentally showed up for my class in my black, sequin slippers. I forgot that I was wearing them around the house when I was getting ready for church this morning.
One little girl in my class was very puzzled as to why I wore "slippers" to church. Every 5 minutes or so as I was teaching the lesson, she would raise her hand and ask me the same question..
"Sister Carey?? How come you are wearing your slippers?"
or
"Sister Carey?? Didn't your Mom tell you that slippers are supposed to be worn at home?"
I couldn't help but smile and chuckle everytime she asked me about my foot wear.
She was VERY concerened about why a grown up would accidentally wear slippers to church.
It was adorable...
The NEXT funny moment.. was when we had finished our lesson and it was time to go back into the Primary Room with all the other kids so they could sing a closing song and have a closing prayer.
One of the girls in my class turned to me and said..
"Sister Carey? Did you forget to brush your hair?"
haha.. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing... I actually had "Brushed" my hair and styled it .. basically like I normally do. But, to a 7 year old.. the hairstyle looks very messy..
I love teaching the Primary Kids! They make me laugh and bring me so much Joy!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
My cousin shared this quote with me the other day, and I loved it.
"What if you woke up today with only the things you remembered to thank the Lord for yesterday"
I really like that, I can tell you that somedays I may not recognize my blessings, and I don't express my gratitude for them.
I feel so much gratitude right now. One year ago tomorrow, I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the weight I instantly carried, the fear, the unanswered questions. The hardest part was telling the ones I loved what was going on.
I never thought I would be healthy today, I thought the rest of my life would be filled with chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I thought I would spend the rest of my days full of physical pain as the cancer and the chemotherapy both fought to stay in my body. I thought I would be bald for the rest of my life. That may sound dramatic, but I had no idea what to expect in the midst of all the chaos.
I spent many nights feeling sick, scared, angry, and insecure.
But, I always knew deep down, that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how it was going to be okay, but I just knew.
Once I first heard the words that the cancer was in remission, I felt like I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I had expectations. I expected my body to be completely back to normal, expected to have a full head of hair again, instantly.
It took time, but things have gotten back to normal again. I spent many months after chemo, trying to figure out my life. Trying to figure out what the next step for me was. I began to also feel many emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I was angry again. I was hurt. I was in shock that something so traumatic happened to me. I began to feel pride amd emnity towards people. I pushed people away. I began to tell myself that the only person I needed in my life was me and no one else. I knew that I was the only person that I could control. And that I wouldn't break my own heart. I wouldn't cause myself to have cancer again. I felt I didn't need anyone.
That thought process led me to become bitter and hardened. I didn't feel like myself at all, and I was okay with that.
I realize now that many cancer survivors and survivors of any kind of traumatic event can have similar feelings and experiences.
I woke up one day and literally felt renewed. I decided that I wanted to serve others again. "Forget yourself and go to work" those words were from President Gordon B. Hinkley's father.
As I did this, I began to feel softened again. I began to see how mericiful God truly is. I began to see my blessings.
I've been able to finally move on with my life. Leaving the past behind me and letting go of negativity. It hasn't been easy.
I now look forward to my future and have decided that I don't have time to be sick. I have so many goals I am in the process of achieving. I know I wouldn't be able to without the Lord.
"What if you woke up today with only the things you remembered to thank the Lord for yesterday"
I really like that, I can tell you that somedays I may not recognize my blessings, and I don't express my gratitude for them.
I feel so much gratitude right now. One year ago tomorrow, I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the weight I instantly carried, the fear, the unanswered questions. The hardest part was telling the ones I loved what was going on.
I never thought I would be healthy today, I thought the rest of my life would be filled with chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I thought I would spend the rest of my days full of physical pain as the cancer and the chemotherapy both fought to stay in my body. I thought I would be bald for the rest of my life. That may sound dramatic, but I had no idea what to expect in the midst of all the chaos.
I spent many nights feeling sick, scared, angry, and insecure.
But, I always knew deep down, that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how it was going to be okay, but I just knew.
Once I first heard the words that the cancer was in remission, I felt like I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I had expectations. I expected my body to be completely back to normal, expected to have a full head of hair again, instantly.
It took time, but things have gotten back to normal again. I spent many months after chemo, trying to figure out my life. Trying to figure out what the next step for me was. I began to also feel many emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I was angry again. I was hurt. I was in shock that something so traumatic happened to me. I began to feel pride amd emnity towards people. I pushed people away. I began to tell myself that the only person I needed in my life was me and no one else. I knew that I was the only person that I could control. And that I wouldn't break my own heart. I wouldn't cause myself to have cancer again. I felt I didn't need anyone.
That thought process led me to become bitter and hardened. I didn't feel like myself at all, and I was okay with that.
I realize now that many cancer survivors and survivors of any kind of traumatic event can have similar feelings and experiences.
I woke up one day and literally felt renewed. I decided that I wanted to serve others again. "Forget yourself and go to work" those words were from President Gordon B. Hinkley's father.
As I did this, I began to feel softened again. I began to see how mericiful God truly is. I began to see my blessings.
I've been able to finally move on with my life. Leaving the past behind me and letting go of negativity. It hasn't been easy.
I now look forward to my future and have decided that I don't have time to be sick. I have so many goals I am in the process of achieving. I know I wouldn't be able to without the Lord.
Monday, October 10, 2011
I belong to the Chuch of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
I believe in Jesus Christ.
I am a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints.
It is his church, not Joseph Smith's, not Moses', not Abraham's. But, Jesus Christ's church.
Christ has ordained Prophets on the Earth, back in the days of old. And even today. Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. He restored the fullness of the Gospel (the Lord's church) back to the Earth. He was an amazing instrument in the Lord's hands.
We are so blessed to have a living prophet on the earth again.
Thomas S. Monson, This is a testimony of his from the April 2011 General Conference, I read it earlier and felt so much love and peace.
"Now, before we leave today, may I share with you my love for the Savior and for His great atoning sacrifice for us. In three weeks’ time the entire Christian world will be celebrating Easter. I believe that none of us can conceive the full import of what Christ did for us in Gethsemane, but I am grateful every day of my life for His atoning sacrifice in our behalf.
At the last moment, He could have turned back. But He did not. He passed beneath all things that He might save all things. In doing so, He gave us life beyond this mortal existence. He reclaimed us from the Fall of Adam.
To the depths of my very soul, I am grateful to Him. He taught us how to live. He taught us how to die. He secured our salvation.
As I close, may I share with you touching words written by Emily Harris which describe so well my feelings as Easter comes:
The linen which once held Him is empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean.
The door stands opened.
The stone is rolled away,
And I can almost hear the angels singing His praises.
Linen cannot hold Him.
Stone cannot hold Him.
The words echo through the empty limestone chamber,
“He is not here.”
The linen which once held Him is now empty.
It lies there,
Fresh and white and clean
And oh, hallelujah, it is empty."
Now I share with you MY testimony. I know that Jesus Christ is real and came down to this earth so we would be able to have the opportunity to learn of Him and our Father in Heaven. He died for us and atoned for our sins so we could be able to return to live with Him one day. I know this to be true. It was something that I was taught from the time I was a little girl, I took the time to learn of it for myself. I took the time to study the scriptures (the Bible and the Book of Mormon) and to pray to know of the truthfulness of them both.
I am NOT perfect. I have made many mistakes in my life (as we all do), I have found God and lived my life so he could be a part of it. I have also pushed him out of my life many times too. I have since realized that having a relationship with our Heavenly Father is such a beautiful thing. Life is not easy, it was never meant to be. And by being the best we can be and by living a "Christ Centered" life, we will be able to feel of his love and comfort.
I am grateful for that knowledge. Grateful for my family, my dear friends, my career, my opportunity to continue my education, my good health, my cancer scars... to remind of the battle I fought, my memories, my weaknesses and my past mistakes ... to remind me of how much I have overcome, my doctors ... who saved my life, my talents that I never acknowledged I had, the next chapter of my life.. I finally have it figured out (for now.. which is such a relief, it only took my all summer)
I am grateful for Life. For Survival. For Cancer.
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