Hello Everyone!
So, it has been a few days since I have been on here, and I know everyone has been asking how I have been doing and such. Well, so far so good. I think the past few days it hadn't really hit me, I was still in shock mode. But now, it is seeming more real.
The first thought that came to me was the fact that I may possibly lose my hair. I was very concerned about that for a few days. I know it may sound silly, but that is how I felt. My friend Sonia told me that as a hairstylist, she has had a few clients that have gone through what I am going through, and that is always the number one fear. I have to admit, that was my number one fear. You would think the idea of having a serious disease would freak me out, but at the time it was the last thing on my mind.
But....
I have come to accept the fact that I may lose my hair. I have heard many different things, some people go completely bald, other's hair thins out. Either way, I am finally okay with that idea.
This past weekend, I have really taken the time to reevaluate my environment. Eliminating stress, decluttering and everything. I was reading in the WebMD magazine the other day while I was at the doctor's office, and there was an article that featured Christina Applegate, and that is exactly what she did when she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was inspired by her actions to not only to do some of the "environmental cleanup" but, to also continue to have a positive outlook.
People have been wondering how I have been feeling. Honestly, I feel fine. I know that it may not make sense, but this is probably one of the happiest times in my life. Again, that may sound twisted. But, if you listen to why I may feel that way, you will understand.
For the past 5 years I have literally been walking around with a dark cloud. There were a few times were I was so sad and depressed that I didn't understand what the point of life really was. Even though I knew Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us, I didn't feel that I fit into that plan. Now, I'm making it sound like I was in a bad state of mind. Think what you will. ...I look now at life and see that I wasn't really looking at life from its real perspective. When I got the phone call about 3 weeks ago that the possiblity of me having cancer was high, it was almost as if a switch flipped in my mind. It was as if I was looking at life from brand new eyes. It took a couple of days before I was able to see how truly blessed I am, and how truly blessed we all are. Even if life may seem bleak at times, we are all so blessed and so loved by our Heavenly Father and the people who surround us. Always remember that.
So, what have I been doing since I found out.? Living..
I have been living my life, laughing, singing, rejoicing. I have been able to spend time with amazing friends whether its singing karaoke, going to estate and garage sales, driving through the country listening to Mumford and Sons (my favorite band), playing with horses (yes, my friend's have horses on their land... I find that very cool) .. I have just been living, which is something I feel I have never really done. I would always just sit around waiting for my life to "fall into place" but I've realized that sometimes you just have to go out into the world, and live... they say to "live like it's your last day". Well, my last day is at leas 80 years away. But, I am starting now to live everyday as if it is a gift. Life is a gift, just look around and you will see how amazing it truly is.
So, this is why I say, this is probably the happiest I have ever been. Now, I know that kicking cancer's butt isn't going to be an easy journey, and I know I am going to have days where I may feel so physically low, but I am going to take it one day at a time.
The whole point of coming down to this earth is for us as children of our Heavenly Father to "endure" all trials and opposition in this life, so we are able to return to our Heavenly Father again. In order for us to become "perfected" like he is, we must be given adversity. It took me a long time to figure that out, until one day a good friend of mine, and someone whom I look up to so much said "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on stone" . Meaning, life can't be easy and simple in order for us to progress. It has to be hard like the "stone" so we become sharp and refined.
Anyway, I am always on "random topic changes". My mind is so crazy, I can literally think of about 10 different things, have a conversation with someone, and be completely aware of what is going on around me, all at the same time. That's talent. My first doctor's appointment is Wednesday, it will be a consultation to talk about treatment options. I am going to get a second opinion to ensure that I am 100% confident with everything is going on. They are going to run tests and such to make sure that the cancer is localized like it shows up on my CAT scan, and to make sure it hasn't metastasized. I don't think that it has, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
Now remember, I am still the same Lauren as before, I just have cancer, BUT it doesn't mean I am any different, I will beat this. And I am so grateful for every single one of you whom as blessed my life and have been on my team. You are all amazing. I love you all.
Lauren
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