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Meredith Grey: " You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."

I love Grey's Anatomy, I love all the random yet inspirational/thought provoking (at times) quotes Meredith Grey says. Sometimes, I feel as though some of the things she says are exactly what I am feeling, or what I have felt or thought at times. Life is like a rollercoaster, we all know this. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, some expected, some not. Its constantly in motion, whether it be fast paced, or slow paced.

I have talked about how I felt when I heard the words "You have CANCER" over the phone. I have talked about how everyday up until that moment I allowed all of life's twists and turns, highs and lows really affect me. When I heard the words "You have CANCER" it was as if my life came to a sudden halt. I remember in those following moments, feeling every single negative emotion a person could possibly feel at once. FEAR, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, FEAR, Uncertainty, Panic, Stress, Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, FEAR. All those emotions I have become very familiar with throughout the course of my life. We are all faced with moments in our lives where those feelings are present. We don't necessarily have to be going through the same exact experiences as others to know those emotions. No matter what they are, those emotions/feelings of Fear, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, Uncertainty, Panic... they are all the same. They can consume our thoughts within seconds. Like a forest fire... at times they may seem almost uncontrollable. These are all emotions that as children, we really don't realize exist. We are so caught up in living, in dreaming, in "fairy tales" that the thought of going through hard times in life seems almost unreal.

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I have been sitting here for the past 30 minutes, thinking of what else to say. My mind seems to be drawing a blank. You know, the doctors tell you that stress is the worst thing for cancer, or any life threatening illness for that matter. I guess I am having to learn how to NOT stress. I mean Yeah, I have cancer, but life continues. If I were a mother, I would still have to face my daily life with children. It doesn't just stop. I think that is the weirdest thing for me, about life NOT stopping. Let me start from the beginning of that thought. When I first found out about the cancer, and the days that followed, I saw people, everyone, living their lives. Talking about shopping, and going out, and dating and frustrations with their appearance. Things that I would typically talk about as well. But, in those days following my diagnosis, It was weird, I felt upset in a way, "Why are those things important?" was always a thought that crossed my mind. Life was continuing, people were still going about their daily routines and I was faced with a life threatening illness. I was reading one of my favorite books the other day "Tuesdays with Morrie", and when Morrie was diagnosed with ALS, (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which is a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement) he too felt the same way, "How are people still going about their lives, when mine has drastically changed?" Now, as selfish as that may sound, I don't mean it that way. But, it has been a thought that has crossed my mind a few times. I am not going to lie to everyone and say that this is a piece of cake. I mean physically I am fine. But then when I really stop to think about it and whats really going on, it can be so overwhelming. I had a mini breakdown yesterday. Everything that has been going on in my life (not just the cancer) all of a sudden just hit me, like a ton of bricks. I still feel a heaviness of anxiety, but it is slowly going away. My friends have told me that this is probably one of the first of many. (great! haha) But, if anything, this is teaching me to be a bit more vulnerable, to be more trusting and to let people in again.

I have to say I am so blessed, despite the real "HUMAN" emotions that I have talked about tonight. My friend was telling me how the Lord gives us "Guardian Angels" whether we see them or not. And you know, he is right. (Thank you for that!) I woke up today and reflected on the past few weeks and saw all the people in my life whom have picked me up when I had fallen these past few weeks, or have made me laugh when I was crying, or just told me that they cared. (I am slightly teary eyed as I am writing this) Thank you to my "Guardian Angels" ( you know who you are) who have really been a huge, huge support to me through this so far. I would be so lost without you. And to all of you who are reading my blog. Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. Just so you all know. I start treatment next week, I will be in Tulsa, OK at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. I am not too sure how often/long I will be there, but I do know, that I am ready to beat this. I am ready for all the victories ahead!

So, I guess if you take anything away from this. I hope you always remember that, it's okay to be scared, its okay to be sad, its okay to be stressed. I mean, we are all human, we don't have to be tough all the time. But, You have to pick yourself out of the rut you may be in.. because the worst thing you can do is to let those negative emotions last.. they don't accomplish anything...

Now.. in the words of Meredith Grey:

“Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.”