My "Aha" Moment

Today I had an "AHA" Moment.


I have been doing so much thinking these past few weeks. Past few days even. So much has changed. So much is different. I realized for a while (this past month) I had been cold and distant. I was angry, I shut people out of my life temporarily. I had sarcastic responses for everything. I was short with those closest to me. I said things I didn't mean. I spent ALL my time distracting myself from life. I spent every free moment of mine with people. I spent every moment doing something to keep myself from thinking. Now that I am almost done with treatment, I knew that life would be returning to normal soon. Meaning, instead of focusing mainly on beating cancer, I would have to start thinking about my future again. Once treatment's done, it will be back to living my life as a "soon to be" 23 year old. Work, dating, marriage, kids, growing up even more is what comes next in life. And THAT scared me. It still kinda scares me. Change whether positive or negative can be a scary thing. It disrupts our routines.

So, I slightly panicked. I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't want to make room in my heart for anything new. I didn't want to deal with the positve stress of life changing. I decided that I only had room for one thing, and that was JUST the cancer. So, I shut people out, I became "selfish" temporarily. I spent every free moment wasting time, distracting myself, I didn't want to think about anything anymore. My mentality was, I had been through so much pain the past few years, especially the past few months physically, that I didn't want any disappointment, rejection, hurt, affliction. (That is a very prideful, selfish thought, part of being in this mortal existence, we are supposed to go through those motions, by avoiding that and feeling the way I was feeling, I was basically disregarding everything the Savior did for me.)I felt so bad when I realized that. It wasn't in my nature to feel the way I was feeling.

I thought about this today actually, I went to one of my favorite thinking spots. It's a big open field close to the airport. (ask me, I'll show you sometime) The road is always silent, there are very few cars that drive by it. If you stand at the top of the slight hill, you can see land and trees for miles and miles. It is so beautiful, so quiet. While I was there just thinking, I thought about my interactions with everyone in my circle, thought about my actions, and I had an "enlightening" moment. I didn't realize that I had hurt some of the people around me, until one of them made a comment. I am grateful they brought it up to me, in my mind I knew what I was doing, I wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt the ones I care about, I was only thinking of myself, I didn't think my actions affected those around me. Stupid thought I know. I felt so bad, but that is what is amazing about being alive, about the Atonement. We are able to make changes, move forward, and know that there are so many people who love and care.


After realizing all of this, I felt so much better. I've decided to change my ways of thinking. I decided to move forward, be happy, and love everyone around me. To put my entire trust in the Lord, embrace my upcoming "normal" life again and to not forget what is most important.


I love you my dear friends, my dear family. I am so thankful for each and everyone of you. Grateful to those whom have been by my side no matter how difficult, confusing, emotional I have been. Grateful for the prayers, fasting, positive thoughts, listening ears, compassion, and love that they have shown me. Life is not easy, it's not supposed to be. But, it is worth it, and the people in our lives are also worth it.