A Strong Foundation

266 days...


... is number of days from the day I was diagnosed with cancer to the day I found out the cancer was no longer in my body.

266 days....

It's so surreal to me. That's almost 2/3 of year. Just add 99 more days, and that would equal a year. I remember meeting with one of the first doctors, back in October, he said the cancer had been in my body for at least a year.. give or take.. I think about those days, I think about when the "darkness" first set it in.. When exactly was it? What was I doing that day? That week? I had no idea it had appeared, I think about when I first noticed my body felt different, I would say it was back in January 2010/December 2009... I remember feeling a sense of heaviness in my chest, feeling a sense of anxiety I had never felt before. I couldn't explain it, I had no idea where it came from. Breathing was harder, my voice was constantly strained. I used to sing all the time, but then I couldn't hit certain notes without my voice cracking. Sometimes my vocal cord would get caught on something.. it always felt like a Charlie Horse, except in my throat. Probably one of the most painful things ever.

I think back to when I first found the lump in my neck. I was sitting at the stoplight turning onto the main road outside my neighborhood. My hair was long at the time. I remember sitting at the stoplight brushing my hair past my shoulder. My hand happened to brush against my collarbone in the process, that is when I felt it. A surge of anxiety rushed through me. The doctor's told me it was a cyst. I knew it wasn't. I knew it was something more, I knew it wasn't something I could just "brush off". But, I didn't want to know the truth. I didn't want to know what exactly it was. I figured, if I didn't know what it was, then it would just disappear.

266 days, its so overwhelming to think about. That number is such a SMALL number compared to the number of days I have left in my lifetime. During those days, I thought I would NEVER see an end to it. I thought March would NEVER be here. And now, it's almost April.

I handled myself pretty well through all of this, I trusted in the Lord, I had Faith. I relied on him for strength, I relied on my family and friends for strength. But then one day, I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It was pretty much the ENTIRE month of February. I know I have mentioned it a little bit in previous posts, but I look back and think about how hopeless I truly was.

February was the hardest month this past winter. Though I had faith in the Lord, I found that I wandered away from that. Only for a brief time though. I completely disconnected myself from loved ones, from Christ, from the Gospel. I wandered. I literally felt like the gates of Hell were right next to me. I wasn't myself, I couldn't even recognize myself during that month. I spent many days and nights just not caring anymore. My days were filled with distractions, and my nights were full of tears, numbness and pain. I felt so alone, I didn't see what the point of life was. I didn't understand why I was surviving this. So much had changed in such a short period of time, I didn't have time to process ANYTHING. So, all these emotions had built up and then I just crashed. It was awful.

Things changed once I went down to Tulsa for my 8th round of chemo. I read my Aunt Bonnie's book which changed my life. I woke up and I had changed. I felt like I was myself again. I put the Lord back in my life. It scared me because I realized at how quickly WE can change, and not even realize it. I realized that Satan can pull us down if we don't have our guards up.

I am so grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful that I went through this awful, yet beautiful journey, because it has brought so much knowledge, wisdom, and even joy to my life.

I wasn't expecting my doctor to tell me the Cancer was gone. I was expecting her to say that it had shrunk. When I heard that it was gone, I was speechless. I don't have to focus so much on this anymore. I can focus on other things now. My life is going to be so different.Different is good though.

I know that things have calmed down for now. I feel peace and joy. But, I also know that life is full of adversity, but after going through this, I know that I can face anything and get through anything.

Having Cancer has taught me so much. It has taught me to stand up for myself. It has given me a confidence in myself I never knew was there. It has brought some AMAZING people into my life, whom I NEVER would have met had I not gone through this. It has opened so many doors for me. It has taught me the true meaning of this mortal existence. It has taught me to not worry about what others think of me. It has taught me that material things and vain things are NOT important. It has given me this strong foundation for me to stand on.