OH I have to say, I am so excited for this Holiday season. I usually always am, but this year in particular. Maybe it's because my life has taken a whole new turn which has made me see the world clearer and in a different light. Either way, I am excited, happy, and so blessed.
This journey hasn't been easy, I spent last week in the hospital due to complications with the chemo. I guess it was just a "normal" side effect, according to the oncologist there. But, despite that, I am so blessed to be here, so blessed to know each and everyone of you, and so blessed to be at home.
The past week all the questions that we ask ourselves when faced with adversity ran through my mind quite often. "Why is this happening?" "When will this be over?" "Why does it have to hurt so much?" "How long do I have to endure this?" and even the the negative thoughts we all get at times, "I don't think I am strong enough" "I don't want to deal with this anymore" "I am so tired and yet this journey is still in the beginning stage".
I was reading in the Ensign today, (for those of you who don't know what that is, its a magazine that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints publishes each month with words, talks from church leaders who are inspired to give us words of counsel, wisdom, etc) The talk I was reading was from the October 2010 General Conference (A twice a year broadcast where church leaders speak, it is broadcasted throughout the world) The talk I read was given by President Thomas S. Monson, the prophet of the church.
He said: "In the Book of Mormon we are told to “live in thanksgiving daily, for the many mercies and blessings which [God] doth bestow upon you.”7
Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings.
This is a wonderful time to be on earth. While there is much that is wrong in the world today, there are many things that are right and good. There are marriages that make it, parents who love their children and sacrifice for them, friends who care about us and help us, teachers who teach. Our lives are blessed in countless ways.
We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that “gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”8
How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he: “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued: “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”9
I love THAT! The past week, though I tried so hard to be positive, I just felt like I was missing something, well I was. First, I was forgetting to have an "attitude of gratitude". Second, I was also forgetting to continue to draw closer to our Heavenly Father. I have learned that once we make Christ and Heavenly Father the center of our lives, and make sure we strive to have them there each day, we will be able to get through anything.
I can promise you guys that whatever your circumstances may be, whatever storms cross your way, whatever forks in the road that meet you, you will be able to get through them with the help of our Savior Jesus Christ, and our Heavenly Father.
That is the reason why each and everyone of you (and I) are here on this earth today. We are here to face challenges and to overcome them. We are here so that we may learn of Christ and return to live with him again. It took me a while to fully have the change of heart to embrace this. But, I am so grateful that I have. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Some people have told me that this is probably one of the hardest things I will have to endure in this life. Well, I don't know about that, we don't know what lies ahead, but Christ does, and Christ knows how to get us through things, he is always with us even if we don't think he is there (that is where faith comes in, which is believing something you know to be true, but cannot physically be seen) My point is, making him the center of your life will help you so much, plus it just makes people happy :) I have seen it for myself, and I have seen it in the lives of many people.
Anyway, I am again so grateful for each and everyone of you guys, you are my rock and strength. Thank you for helping me and being a part of my journey. We are one step closer to the finish line!!!
Lauren
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thanksgiving
I just can't believe its already that time of year again. Turkey, pumpkin pie, family togetherness, a time of Gratitude and love. I love it all! It seems like yesterday it was last Thanksgiving. I just can't believe at how fast time has flown by. This month really has flown by, and actually, I am very grateful for that, but even though I am grateful at how fast it is going, I am still making it a point to be grateful for each day.
This week, was my first week on Chemo. The docs have me on 4 different types, (I can barely pronounce them). The entire session itself takes about 3 to 4 hours each time, overall I handled it well. I am very grateful for that because really the worst symptoms I feel are just tiredness, sore bones and mouth pain. But, even though at first I complained about that, I realized that it could be worse, all the "bad side effects" I haven't felt yet, and typically those happen right after you get chemo.
I am still adjusting to everything, the medicine, side effects, having a port in my chest (basically, its a device that it is implanted in the chest and has a tube that connects to the jugular vein so the chemotherapy can be administed) Its supposedly much better than getting an IV through your arms. I am not going to lie, I think mentally, it has been a little rough only because I am still adapting to the new "temporary" me, my body doesn't go as fast as it did before, and I do get so exhausted so much faster. My friends and I joke that I am 22 going on 92. :) I had always heard that from other people at how different I would feel, but once you experience it, its just crazy. There have been a few nights where I have woken up in the middle of the night crying because my body is so different now, or the pain is much worse (have you ever noticed how whenever you are sick or injured, things always feel worse at night?) but then once I have that brief moment, I just tell myself that this it temporary, nothing in life is permanent, and I think of how our Savior went through so much pain and suffering in his life and how Joseph Smith went through so much pain and suffering as well, or just all the people who have fought for righteous things, all the pain and suffering they have endured and then I just realize at how truly blessed I am, how truly blessed we all are to be able to be on this earth to experience mortality and to just live. Despite this, I do feel grateful and blessed, because like I said, I could be feeling much, much worse than I am, ( I could be bed ridden) I have been able to still enjoy the company of my friends and family, and be able to work (not as long as I was before, but I am so grateful to be there .. it makes me so happy) My friend Katie and I talk about how they length of my chemo treatments are the length of the rest of her pregnancy, she is so sweet and funny, she was saying how "You know Lauren, for the next 3 months, you are fighting for your life, and my little girl is fighting to come into this world.. you are both fighthers" (it was said something to that extent,but it made me smile.. Katie and Daniel have been amazing friends and a source of strenghth to me! I love you guys and can't wait to meet Kaylee! I told Katie that her little baby will always have a place in my heart because we both "survived" at the same time.. even though her baby is completely healthy, but its still a fight for an infant to come into the world!) Even though my life is completely different from a year ago, even a week ago, I still can't really complain, I am surrounded by all you reading this blog, you have all touched my life in many ways and for that I am so grateful!
So, this week us Rio Girls celebrated Sonia's Birthday! It was a surprise party.. pretty sure she was surprised.. haha we love you girl! And, I was able to see some of my old friends( Savannah, Jade, Amber, Rocky, Cambria) and favorite people at my BEAUTIFUL "honorary sister" Whitney's baby Shower!( I can't wait to meet little Jet! he is going to be such a stud with his litte, baby converse shoes and guitar!) I have really been able to take the time to be with some amazing friends who keep me positive and strong everyday, Kelly, Morgan N and Karen and of course my Rio Family and my own family!) -I'm done with my shout outs :)
wait.. I have one more.. to my dear friends AMAMDA and JANE! you girls ALWAYS know how to lift my spirits.. haha we laugh way too much.. I love you all!!
You know, I just have so much admiration and respect for every single person whom I know, and don't know, who are facing any form of health problem, physical limitation, and sickness. I have always respected them, but now that I have a glimpse of how they are feeling, have felt, or even will feel, (physically, emotionall, and mentally) it gives me a more profound love and respect for them. I just want to give them all a hug and tell them how proud I am of them and how amazing they are, and that everything is going to be okay. I also know that I am blessed because the type of cancer I have is very curable, my heart breaks when I talk to people whom have cancers and ailments that take much longer to get through than mine, or that feel worse off than I have. I just wish there was a way that they didn't have to deal with that. I am so happy when I see them out celebrating life with their friends and loved ones.
As this amazing holiday season approaches, I just want everyone to know how amazing life is and how amazing you are. Be thankful for all your blessings, whenever life gets you down, just take a step back and count all the postive things you have, all your blessings.. I love this hymn that we sing at church sometimes.. it's called "Count Your Blessings"
When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
So, this week and for the rest of the year.. count YOUR blessings, and tell the ones you love that you love them!
So, I love you guys!
This week, was my first week on Chemo. The docs have me on 4 different types, (I can barely pronounce them). The entire session itself takes about 3 to 4 hours each time, overall I handled it well. I am very grateful for that because really the worst symptoms I feel are just tiredness, sore bones and mouth pain. But, even though at first I complained about that, I realized that it could be worse, all the "bad side effects" I haven't felt yet, and typically those happen right after you get chemo.
I am still adjusting to everything, the medicine, side effects, having a port in my chest (basically, its a device that it is implanted in the chest and has a tube that connects to the jugular vein so the chemotherapy can be administed) Its supposedly much better than getting an IV through your arms. I am not going to lie, I think mentally, it has been a little rough only because I am still adapting to the new "temporary" me, my body doesn't go as fast as it did before, and I do get so exhausted so much faster. My friends and I joke that I am 22 going on 92. :) I had always heard that from other people at how different I would feel, but once you experience it, its just crazy. There have been a few nights where I have woken up in the middle of the night crying because my body is so different now, or the pain is much worse (have you ever noticed how whenever you are sick or injured, things always feel worse at night?) but then once I have that brief moment, I just tell myself that this it temporary, nothing in life is permanent, and I think of how our Savior went through so much pain and suffering in his life and how Joseph Smith went through so much pain and suffering as well, or just all the people who have fought for righteous things, all the pain and suffering they have endured and then I just realize at how truly blessed I am, how truly blessed we all are to be able to be on this earth to experience mortality and to just live. Despite this, I do feel grateful and blessed, because like I said, I could be feeling much, much worse than I am, ( I could be bed ridden) I have been able to still enjoy the company of my friends and family, and be able to work (not as long as I was before, but I am so grateful to be there .. it makes me so happy) My friend Katie and I talk about how they length of my chemo treatments are the length of the rest of her pregnancy, she is so sweet and funny, she was saying how "You know Lauren, for the next 3 months, you are fighting for your life, and my little girl is fighting to come into this world.. you are both fighthers" (it was said something to that extent,but it made me smile.. Katie and Daniel have been amazing friends and a source of strenghth to me! I love you guys and can't wait to meet Kaylee! I told Katie that her little baby will always have a place in my heart because we both "survived" at the same time.. even though her baby is completely healthy, but its still a fight for an infant to come into the world!) Even though my life is completely different from a year ago, even a week ago, I still can't really complain, I am surrounded by all you reading this blog, you have all touched my life in many ways and for that I am so grateful!
So, this week us Rio Girls celebrated Sonia's Birthday! It was a surprise party.. pretty sure she was surprised.. haha we love you girl! And, I was able to see some of my old friends( Savannah, Jade, Amber, Rocky, Cambria) and favorite people at my BEAUTIFUL "honorary sister" Whitney's baby Shower!( I can't wait to meet little Jet! he is going to be such a stud with his litte, baby converse shoes and guitar!) I have really been able to take the time to be with some amazing friends who keep me positive and strong everyday, Kelly, Morgan N and Karen and of course my Rio Family and my own family!) -I'm done with my shout outs :)
wait.. I have one more.. to my dear friends AMAMDA and JANE! you girls ALWAYS know how to lift my spirits.. haha we laugh way too much.. I love you all!!
You know, I just have so much admiration and respect for every single person whom I know, and don't know, who are facing any form of health problem, physical limitation, and sickness. I have always respected them, but now that I have a glimpse of how they are feeling, have felt, or even will feel, (physically, emotionall, and mentally) it gives me a more profound love and respect for them. I just want to give them all a hug and tell them how proud I am of them and how amazing they are, and that everything is going to be okay. I also know that I am blessed because the type of cancer I have is very curable, my heart breaks when I talk to people whom have cancers and ailments that take much longer to get through than mine, or that feel worse off than I have. I just wish there was a way that they didn't have to deal with that. I am so happy when I see them out celebrating life with their friends and loved ones.
As this amazing holiday season approaches, I just want everyone to know how amazing life is and how amazing you are. Be thankful for all your blessings, whenever life gets you down, just take a step back and count all the postive things you have, all your blessings.. I love this hymn that we sing at church sometimes.. it's called "Count Your Blessings"
When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
And you will keep singing as the days go by.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
[*And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.]
So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
*Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
So, this week and for the rest of the year.. count YOUR blessings, and tell the ones you love that you love them!
So, I love you guys!
The Oak Tree
This weekend was a wonderful experience! I came home from Tulsa Friday Night. My dear friend Karen and I went shopping and celebrated Life! Then Saturday, I went with my church congregation (we call it a Branch or a Ward) to Omaha, Nebraska to visit the Temple there. What is the Temple? you may ask? Well, as Members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the temple is the "House of the Lord." It is a sacred building, and after its dedication only faithful members of the Church may enter. Inside, members learn more about the purpose of life and make covenants to serve Jesus Christ and their fellow man. In addition, they participate in religious ceremonies that reach beyond mortality, such as baptisms on behalf of deceased ancestors and eternal marriage.
So, on Saturday I had the wonderful opportunity to be able to go there. Its such an amazing feeling, there is so much peace and clarity. You truly can feel the Lord's presence. Now, for those of you whom may have more questions about the temple, I invite you to click on this link. It is a website that the church as put together to talk more about Temples and their purpose. http://lds.org/temples/faq/0,11264,1904-1,00.html
here is a picture of the Winter Quarter's, Nebraska Temple
Then after going to the temple, I was able to celebrate life some more by seeing my Beautiful RIO family!!! Our dear friend Kelly had a beautiful wedding reception, it was fun to just celebrate her happiness, and everyone's for that matter.
Today was also an amazing day! I was able to go to church and to just feel peace and love there. I just feel so blessed to be alive, to have wonderful friends and family in my life. While I was at church, I heard this WONDERFUL poem that has now stuck with me. I want to share it with all of you!
The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.
But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"
The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.
So, here is whats going on.. I will be doing Chemotherapy on Mondays, every 14 days for the next 4 months. A total of 8 treatments. So, on those days I will leave Sunday night, and then come back home HOPEFULLY Monday nights, just depending on what time they start the Chemo. The Cancer Treatment Center has been a HUGE blessing to me, even though it is far, I know that it is the best place for me at this time. Then, once they are finished with Chemo, I will have to do Radiation therapy as well, the length of that will be determined based on the size of the tumor. Oh and for those who have been asking. My lovely tumor is about the size of an iphone. Weird huh? It doesn't hurt, I do get winded fairly easily, but other than that I rarely notice it. The cancer is Stage 2, but is the most curable of them all. According to my friend, its like I won the cancer lottery! haha (thank you for that!) the past week in Tulsa was physically and emotionally exhausting, and I know that it may only get worse before it gets better, but I also know that I am cancer survivor because I am NOT giving up. In a way the cancer has saved me, it has opened my eyes and I feel like I have truly become the STRONG person I was meant to be. I know this sounds weird, but I am kind of looking forward to all this. I know it won't be easy, but I am looking forward to learning, growing, and progressing. And honestly, my body is probably the healthiest it has ever been. I live off of (and have been the past few months now) organic foods, barley grass shakes (they taste like grass, but knowing that they are incredibly good for me makes it go down easier) Acai berry drinks (the healthiest fruit I hear?) and exersise.. lots of it.. Can I tell you? My Body and My Mind have become best friends now. My mind tells my body to keep going when it feels like it can't take anymore poking and stress. And my body tells my mind to "shut up" (what? thats how friendships work.. you know you are close to someone when you can tell them to "shut up") My body also tells my mind that .. actually I really don't know, but I know that they are working together for the first time ever and that is something I know I have needed for a long time. I think we all need that.
So, my challenge for you... Make YOUR body and YOUR mind become BFF! Its totally worth it.
Lauren
So, on Saturday I had the wonderful opportunity to be able to go there. Its such an amazing feeling, there is so much peace and clarity. You truly can feel the Lord's presence. Now, for those of you whom may have more questions about the temple, I invite you to click on this link. It is a website that the church as put together to talk more about Temples and their purpose. http://lds.org/temples/faq/0,11264,1904-1,00.html
here is a picture of the Winter Quarter's, Nebraska Temple
Then after going to the temple, I was able to celebrate life some more by seeing my Beautiful RIO family!!! Our dear friend Kelly had a beautiful wedding reception, it was fun to just celebrate her happiness, and everyone's for that matter.
Today was also an amazing day! I was able to go to church and to just feel peace and love there. I just feel so blessed to be alive, to have wonderful friends and family in my life. While I was at church, I heard this WONDERFUL poem that has now stuck with me. I want to share it with all of you!
The Oak Tree
by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr.
A mighty wind blew night and day.
It stole the Oak Tree's leaves away.
Then snapped its boughs
and pulled its bark
until the Oak was tired and stark.
But still the Oak Tree held its ground
while other trees fell all around.
The weary wind gave up and spoke,
"How can you still be standing Oak?"
The Oak Tree said, I know that you
can break each branch of mine in two,
carry every leaf away,
shake my limbs and make me sway.
But I have roots stretched in the earth,
growing stronger since my birth.
You'll never touch them, for you see
they are the deepest part of me.
Until today, I wasn't sure
of just how much I could endure.
But now I've found with thanks to you,
I'm stronger than I ever knew.
So, here is whats going on.. I will be doing Chemotherapy on Mondays, every 14 days for the next 4 months. A total of 8 treatments. So, on those days I will leave Sunday night, and then come back home HOPEFULLY Monday nights, just depending on what time they start the Chemo. The Cancer Treatment Center has been a HUGE blessing to me, even though it is far, I know that it is the best place for me at this time. Then, once they are finished with Chemo, I will have to do Radiation therapy as well, the length of that will be determined based on the size of the tumor. Oh and for those who have been asking. My lovely tumor is about the size of an iphone. Weird huh? It doesn't hurt, I do get winded fairly easily, but other than that I rarely notice it. The cancer is Stage 2, but is the most curable of them all. According to my friend, its like I won the cancer lottery! haha (thank you for that!) the past week in Tulsa was physically and emotionally exhausting, and I know that it may only get worse before it gets better, but I also know that I am cancer survivor because I am NOT giving up. In a way the cancer has saved me, it has opened my eyes and I feel like I have truly become the STRONG person I was meant to be. I know this sounds weird, but I am kind of looking forward to all this. I know it won't be easy, but I am looking forward to learning, growing, and progressing. And honestly, my body is probably the healthiest it has ever been. I live off of (and have been the past few months now) organic foods, barley grass shakes (they taste like grass, but knowing that they are incredibly good for me makes it go down easier) Acai berry drinks (the healthiest fruit I hear?) and exersise.. lots of it.. Can I tell you? My Body and My Mind have become best friends now. My mind tells my body to keep going when it feels like it can't take anymore poking and stress. And my body tells my mind to "shut up" (what? thats how friendships work.. you know you are close to someone when you can tell them to "shut up") My body also tells my mind that .. actually I really don't know, but I know that they are working together for the first time ever and that is something I know I have needed for a long time. I think we all need that.
So, my challenge for you... Make YOUR body and YOUR mind become BFF! Its totally worth it.
Lauren
"Crazy, Sexy, Cancer" the best book a cancer warrior will ever read :)
So I guess all my English writing teachers would be proud of me for using an "attention getter" as a part of my writing. I never took that aspect to heart in High School or College for that matter. Better late than never!
So, throughout my journey I have met so many INCREDIBLE people, cancer WARRIORS as I like to call them (thank you Kris Carr). I have read some AMAZING books written by these Warriors, and books written by Warriors whom I have yet to meet. (They are going on my list of heros I wish .. no will meet... someday)
Let me start from the beginning. The first "Cancer Warrior" I met on my journey was a new and dear friend of mine, Lori Lober. Her husband John and I are in a a business networking group together. We started about the same time, and since we were both new to the group we attended training meetings and such, because of this I was able to get to know John and learn about how incredible Lori is. John had always spoken of his wife's journey and I had heard other individuals speak of it as well. I was so inspired by her at that moment, she was definitely someone I wanted to meet, I wanted to hear her story and just get to know her. John told me of their website www.welovetolive.com, instantly I was interested. (this was all before I found out about my diagnosis) I remember later that day checking out the site. I was so inspired by it. It speaks about Lori's journey and you can see the strength that she had, and still has. Lori first discovered something was wrong back in 1998. It took 2 years for the doctors to diagnose Lori, by that time the cancer had metastasized to her liver. She was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, and given 18 months to live. That was over 10 years ago, Lori has been found NED (No Evidence of Disease) for 10 years now and is 'Alive and Thriving!' Since then, Lori has written 2 books, working on number 3 and has created a cancer foundation called "Touched by Cancer" to help individual's feel hope when they, or someone they love is 'touched by cancer'. www.touchedbycancer.org. As soon as I received the phone call about my diagnosis, I instantly emailed Lori. We had never met personally, but I felt as though I knew her, and I knew she would be able to help me. The next day, Lori called me and walked me through those first moments.... the moments of 'craziness'. She encouraged me to get multiple opinions and check into ALL my options. And for that I am so grateful!! Lori and I were able to officially meet a few weeks ago at her beautiful home near my house. She has given me so much advice, comfort, books (one of her own... "Still Bigger Than Pink, Alive and Thriving" amazing book!!), and even supplements that all helped her through her journey and are now helping me through mine. She and John have made me feel so much like family, and for that I am so grateful!! I love you guys!!! and I look forward to more of our 'Girl Days!'
My next 'Cancer Warrior' whom I met on my journey is, Jackie Malena. Jackie is the author of "Surviving Cancer 101". Originally, my friend Tammy, had told me about Jackie's book and that she was getting me a copy. Once I met with Lori, I found out they they were all friends. Lori lent me her copy of Jackie's book, I took it home, read it, and LOVED it. Jackie and I officially met last week at an IsAgenix meeting. (IsAgenix is a celluar nutrition and cleansing system, check out Lori's site for more info I have quite a few friends who are on the product and LOVE it.. I am loving it too!) Here is an excerpt from Jackie's Blog to explain more about her journey: "In 2001 the doctors found a 2 pound tumor on my liver while I was 7 months pregnant. It was removed and my daughter delivered healthy 2 months later. It was Hepatocellular Carcinoma. In 2007 I was rediagnosed with the same disease. This time in the lung and lymph nodes and Stage 4. I am successfully surviving it and want to share with others how to manage the journey of Cancer. I want this blog to help inspire people that no matter how scared or overwhelmed they feel about their diagnosis, that we are in it together. Cancer is a journey. Get ready to be surprised at how big your spirit is. I have been given months to live by some doctors and some doctors believed in me. I am still here and don't plan on going anywhere soon." Jackie and I are actually being treated at the same center here in Tulsa,she is now a spokesperson for the Centers as well! She has been a huge support to me just giving me rundowns on how things will go and just listening to my "Cancer Crazys" as she calls them (Just random thoughts, worries, fears, anxieties about cancer.. the 'holy crap'. mode as she calls it, that sometimes takes over the mind). Jackie, I am so so GRATEFUL to you and for your friendship!! Together we are Cancer Warriors!!
Another amazing "Cancer Warrior" is my dear, dear friend Stephanie Withers! Stephanie and I also met through the same business networking group where I met John. Stephanie has been fighting Leukemia for the past few years! She is doing so well! I had NO idea about her journey until she told me while I was giving her a manicure at the salon. Stephanie's optimisim and amazing personality has really been a HUGE help to me! She has given me so much advice that has really helped me. She has listened to my concerns, questions, and thoughts.. and has been nothing but a super trooper the whole time! She has taken me on much needed "Girls Days" which are one of the reasons I am still sane! haha Steph you are AMAZING!
I have 2 other Cancer Warriors, my dear friend Christina and Kenna, both have had similar cancers this past year, but are now doing so well! I have been able to learn so much from them as well! Kenna keeps me updated on new quotes, inspirational thoughts and stuff that come to her, and that have helped her! I love you girls!!
I just have to say I love my Cancer Warriors!! It's nice because though we are all at different stages of our journey, we are all in this fight together, and will all be able to learn from each other. I look up to my warriors!!
I started reading this AMAZING book called "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" (Hence the title of my entry) by Kris Carr... She too is a fellow Cancer Warrior, her book has brought so much insight to me and has helped me to look at this in a more "Lauren Way" she and I have similar outlooks, I can just tell.
Now, I can't have a blog and not mention the 3 most important people in my journey! Ed and Vicki Carey. My amazing parents and Brother.
I have never fully understood the love a parent has for a child until I saw the looks in their eyes when this journey began. I know that I will never fully understand that love until I have my own children someday, but I feel like I have a glimpse. I have always seemed to take my parents for granted (Never intentionally) This journey has helped me open my eyes. My Mom has been a huge help, she has taken on probably the most stressful part of all, the paperwork, insurance, record keeping (I am also doing my own record keeping, but she is doing the hardcore stuff). She has been so strong during this, and I am so grateful for that. I was looking through a scrapbook my Aunt Sheila made for me the year I graduated High School, and it was a scrapbook of my life up until that point. I saw pictures of me as a child with my brother, cousins, and relatives. But, the one that stood out the me the most was on where I was probably about 3 years old, I was holding a book and carrying it over to my Mom to show it to her. I just saw myself as a little girl and saw that love that my Mother had for me, and still has for me. She has been through so much healthwise so that I could even exisit. Why did it take me to long to realize that?? So, Thank you Mom! Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on whenever I was scared.. I know that I am a "tough egg to crack", and rarely show my emotions to you guys. Thank you for always giving me good advice! I do listen, even if it seems I am not. Sometimes, I don't understand myself, but I know that you do. You are my mother, you gave me life! I love you!! I dedicate this entry to the BEST MOM EVER. I love you MOM! I am so inspired by you! Don't ever forget that!
Padre, Oh Padre, I love you so much! We have been through alot together, I have probably caused you more anxiety that anything there is. But, I know that you love me. When I told you what the doctor said to me on the phone, and I saw your heart break right in front of me, it hit me, you are a person too. You have feelings just like I do. I have always seen you as Macho Dad, the one who rarely shows a sign of fear and weakness. Even when you were going through hard times, I never once saw the look of fear in your eye. I always knew that everything would be okay if you said it would. But, in that moment I could see it in your eyes that you had NO idea what to expect, I could see that you needed to be comforted just like I did. But, I am glad that we all found the strength that we needed during that time. Thank you for being my chauffeur and driving all the way to Tulsa for me, for researching all these healthy supplements to help get rid of my disease. I would be lost without you. Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself, and for instilling the "don't be negative" phrase in my mind. Your endless motivational speeches were never in vain, even if I pretended like I wasn't listening.. I was. Thank you to the best DAD ever!
Last but not least, Johnners! My amazing Brother.. I know that I seem to get annoyed with you alot (sorry about that.. I blame it on .. actually I have no excuse.. haha) You have been a huge source of strength for me. You have understood me better than anyone at times, I know its because we come from the same gene pool and have similiar thought processes.. mine are better though! (just kidding) You have ALWAYS been on my team, you have always stood up for me, even when I told you not too.. thats what a brother is supposed to do, ignore his sister and do what is right! So, Thank you for that.. I am so happy that you are happy and have found love! (I know you are probably not loving this whole spotlight thing.. but deal with it.. haha) You deserve the best and have found it!! Love you Johnners!
There are so many other people whom I am so Thankful for and whom have helped me so much! I haven't forgotten you I promise.. you know who you are! I mentioned you in my last blog..
..
Moving on quickly, I wrote about my "Cancer Warriors" because as I was reading Kris Carr's book today she talked about her Cancer Warriors.. she called her Cancer Posse the "Cancer Babes" , all these woman have been touched by cancer and have been surviving!
Right now, I am at the Treatment Center in Tulsa. Everyone here is so nice. I woke up at the crack of dawn to do consults and blood work. Tomorrow, my day is full of scans, PET, CAT, and the prep meeting for my Bone Marrow Biopsy which is Wednesday. The amazing part about the Bone Marrow Biopsy is that I will be asleep! The other docs I visited in KC said they wouldn't do that. Bless you CTCA in Tulsa! The only Bone Marrow Biopsy I have seen was on Grey's Anatomy, and it looked so painful, granted it is Hollywood.. After these tests they will know more. I more than likely won't start treatment for another week or so, I will know more tomorrow, but since I am so young I have to preserve my future kiddos, with chemo there is a risk of infertlity. You may think I am sharing too much, BUT, this is my journey, whether I tell you in person or on here its still the same. I have come to realize that this is my journey, I have cancer, BUT, I am not a cancer patient.. I am a cancer SURVIVOR, you are a survivior the day you are diagnosed. I am still the same Lauren as I was a month ago. I have learned to embrace HUMOR as a part of my healing, I am sure some people have no idea how to respond to that, but It has helped me alot. So, lets all laugh together, learn together and grow together..
I Love you Guys!!
Lauren
So, throughout my journey I have met so many INCREDIBLE people, cancer WARRIORS as I like to call them (thank you Kris Carr). I have read some AMAZING books written by these Warriors, and books written by Warriors whom I have yet to meet. (They are going on my list of heros I wish .. no will meet... someday)
Let me start from the beginning. The first "Cancer Warrior" I met on my journey was a new and dear friend of mine, Lori Lober. Her husband John and I are in a a business networking group together. We started about the same time, and since we were both new to the group we attended training meetings and such, because of this I was able to get to know John and learn about how incredible Lori is. John had always spoken of his wife's journey and I had heard other individuals speak of it as well. I was so inspired by her at that moment, she was definitely someone I wanted to meet, I wanted to hear her story and just get to know her. John told me of their website www.welovetolive.com, instantly I was interested. (this was all before I found out about my diagnosis) I remember later that day checking out the site. I was so inspired by it. It speaks about Lori's journey and you can see the strength that she had, and still has. Lori first discovered something was wrong back in 1998. It took 2 years for the doctors to diagnose Lori, by that time the cancer had metastasized to her liver. She was diagnosed with Stage IV Breast Cancer, and given 18 months to live. That was over 10 years ago, Lori has been found NED (No Evidence of Disease) for 10 years now and is 'Alive and Thriving!' Since then, Lori has written 2 books, working on number 3 and has created a cancer foundation called "Touched by Cancer" to help individual's feel hope when they, or someone they love is 'touched by cancer'. www.touchedbycancer.org. As soon as I received the phone call about my diagnosis, I instantly emailed Lori. We had never met personally, but I felt as though I knew her, and I knew she would be able to help me. The next day, Lori called me and walked me through those first moments.... the moments of 'craziness'. She encouraged me to get multiple opinions and check into ALL my options. And for that I am so grateful!! Lori and I were able to officially meet a few weeks ago at her beautiful home near my house. She has given me so much advice, comfort, books (one of her own... "Still Bigger Than Pink, Alive and Thriving" amazing book!!), and even supplements that all helped her through her journey and are now helping me through mine. She and John have made me feel so much like family, and for that I am so grateful!! I love you guys!!! and I look forward to more of our 'Girl Days!'
My next 'Cancer Warrior' whom I met on my journey is, Jackie Malena. Jackie is the author of "Surviving Cancer 101". Originally, my friend Tammy, had told me about Jackie's book and that she was getting me a copy. Once I met with Lori, I found out they they were all friends. Lori lent me her copy of Jackie's book, I took it home, read it, and LOVED it. Jackie and I officially met last week at an IsAgenix meeting. (IsAgenix is a celluar nutrition and cleansing system, check out Lori's site for more info I have quite a few friends who are on the product and LOVE it.. I am loving it too!) Here is an excerpt from Jackie's Blog to explain more about her journey: "In 2001 the doctors found a 2 pound tumor on my liver while I was 7 months pregnant. It was removed and my daughter delivered healthy 2 months later. It was Hepatocellular Carcinoma. In 2007 I was rediagnosed with the same disease. This time in the lung and lymph nodes and Stage 4. I am successfully surviving it and want to share with others how to manage the journey of Cancer. I want this blog to help inspire people that no matter how scared or overwhelmed they feel about their diagnosis, that we are in it together. Cancer is a journey. Get ready to be surprised at how big your spirit is. I have been given months to live by some doctors and some doctors believed in me. I am still here and don't plan on going anywhere soon." Jackie and I are actually being treated at the same center here in Tulsa,she is now a spokesperson for the Centers as well! She has been a huge support to me just giving me rundowns on how things will go and just listening to my "Cancer Crazys" as she calls them (Just random thoughts, worries, fears, anxieties about cancer.. the 'holy crap'. mode as she calls it, that sometimes takes over the mind). Jackie, I am so so GRATEFUL to you and for your friendship!! Together we are Cancer Warriors!!
Another amazing "Cancer Warrior" is my dear, dear friend Stephanie Withers! Stephanie and I also met through the same business networking group where I met John. Stephanie has been fighting Leukemia for the past few years! She is doing so well! I had NO idea about her journey until she told me while I was giving her a manicure at the salon. Stephanie's optimisim and amazing personality has really been a HUGE help to me! She has given me so much advice that has really helped me. She has listened to my concerns, questions, and thoughts.. and has been nothing but a super trooper the whole time! She has taken me on much needed "Girls Days" which are one of the reasons I am still sane! haha Steph you are AMAZING!
I have 2 other Cancer Warriors, my dear friend Christina and Kenna, both have had similar cancers this past year, but are now doing so well! I have been able to learn so much from them as well! Kenna keeps me updated on new quotes, inspirational thoughts and stuff that come to her, and that have helped her! I love you girls!!
I just have to say I love my Cancer Warriors!! It's nice because though we are all at different stages of our journey, we are all in this fight together, and will all be able to learn from each other. I look up to my warriors!!
I started reading this AMAZING book called "Crazy, Sexy Cancer" (Hence the title of my entry) by Kris Carr... She too is a fellow Cancer Warrior, her book has brought so much insight to me and has helped me to look at this in a more "Lauren Way" she and I have similar outlooks, I can just tell.
Now, I can't have a blog and not mention the 3 most important people in my journey! Ed and Vicki Carey. My amazing parents and Brother.
I have never fully understood the love a parent has for a child until I saw the looks in their eyes when this journey began. I know that I will never fully understand that love until I have my own children someday, but I feel like I have a glimpse. I have always seemed to take my parents for granted (Never intentionally) This journey has helped me open my eyes. My Mom has been a huge help, she has taken on probably the most stressful part of all, the paperwork, insurance, record keeping (I am also doing my own record keeping, but she is doing the hardcore stuff). She has been so strong during this, and I am so grateful for that. I was looking through a scrapbook my Aunt Sheila made for me the year I graduated High School, and it was a scrapbook of my life up until that point. I saw pictures of me as a child with my brother, cousins, and relatives. But, the one that stood out the me the most was on where I was probably about 3 years old, I was holding a book and carrying it over to my Mom to show it to her. I just saw myself as a little girl and saw that love that my Mother had for me, and still has for me. She has been through so much healthwise so that I could even exisit. Why did it take me to long to realize that?? So, Thank you Mom! Thank you for being my shoulder to cry on whenever I was scared.. I know that I am a "tough egg to crack", and rarely show my emotions to you guys. Thank you for always giving me good advice! I do listen, even if it seems I am not. Sometimes, I don't understand myself, but I know that you do. You are my mother, you gave me life! I love you!! I dedicate this entry to the BEST MOM EVER. I love you MOM! I am so inspired by you! Don't ever forget that!
Padre, Oh Padre, I love you so much! We have been through alot together, I have probably caused you more anxiety that anything there is. But, I know that you love me. When I told you what the doctor said to me on the phone, and I saw your heart break right in front of me, it hit me, you are a person too. You have feelings just like I do. I have always seen you as Macho Dad, the one who rarely shows a sign of fear and weakness. Even when you were going through hard times, I never once saw the look of fear in your eye. I always knew that everything would be okay if you said it would. But, in that moment I could see it in your eyes that you had NO idea what to expect, I could see that you needed to be comforted just like I did. But, I am glad that we all found the strength that we needed during that time. Thank you for being my chauffeur and driving all the way to Tulsa for me, for researching all these healthy supplements to help get rid of my disease. I would be lost without you. Thank you for teaching me how to stand up for myself, and for instilling the "don't be negative" phrase in my mind. Your endless motivational speeches were never in vain, even if I pretended like I wasn't listening.. I was. Thank you to the best DAD ever!
Last but not least, Johnners! My amazing Brother.. I know that I seem to get annoyed with you alot (sorry about that.. I blame it on .. actually I have no excuse.. haha) You have been a huge source of strength for me. You have understood me better than anyone at times, I know its because we come from the same gene pool and have similiar thought processes.. mine are better though! (just kidding) You have ALWAYS been on my team, you have always stood up for me, even when I told you not too.. thats what a brother is supposed to do, ignore his sister and do what is right! So, Thank you for that.. I am so happy that you are happy and have found love! (I know you are probably not loving this whole spotlight thing.. but deal with it.. haha) You deserve the best and have found it!! Love you Johnners!
There are so many other people whom I am so Thankful for and whom have helped me so much! I haven't forgotten you I promise.. you know who you are! I mentioned you in my last blog..
..
Moving on quickly, I wrote about my "Cancer Warriors" because as I was reading Kris Carr's book today she talked about her Cancer Warriors.. she called her Cancer Posse the "Cancer Babes" , all these woman have been touched by cancer and have been surviving!
Right now, I am at the Treatment Center in Tulsa. Everyone here is so nice. I woke up at the crack of dawn to do consults and blood work. Tomorrow, my day is full of scans, PET, CAT, and the prep meeting for my Bone Marrow Biopsy which is Wednesday. The amazing part about the Bone Marrow Biopsy is that I will be asleep! The other docs I visited in KC said they wouldn't do that. Bless you CTCA in Tulsa! The only Bone Marrow Biopsy I have seen was on Grey's Anatomy, and it looked so painful, granted it is Hollywood.. After these tests they will know more. I more than likely won't start treatment for another week or so, I will know more tomorrow, but since I am so young I have to preserve my future kiddos, with chemo there is a risk of infertlity. You may think I am sharing too much, BUT, this is my journey, whether I tell you in person or on here its still the same. I have come to realize that this is my journey, I have cancer, BUT, I am not a cancer patient.. I am a cancer SURVIVOR, you are a survivior the day you are diagnosed. I am still the same Lauren as I was a month ago. I have learned to embrace HUMOR as a part of my healing, I am sure some people have no idea how to respond to that, but It has helped me alot. So, lets all laugh together, learn together and grow together..
I Love you Guys!!
Lauren
Meredith Grey: " You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true."
I love Grey's Anatomy, I love all the random yet inspirational/thought provoking (at times) quotes Meredith Grey says. Sometimes, I feel as though some of the things she says are exactly what I am feeling, or what I have felt or thought at times. Life is like a rollercoaster, we all know this. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, some expected, some not. Its constantly in motion, whether it be fast paced, or slow paced.
I have talked about how I felt when I heard the words "You have CANCER" over the phone. I have talked about how everyday up until that moment I allowed all of life's twists and turns, highs and lows really affect me. When I heard the words "You have CANCER" it was as if my life came to a sudden halt. I remember in those following moments, feeling every single negative emotion a person could possibly feel at once. FEAR, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, FEAR, Uncertainty, Panic, Stress, Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, FEAR. All those emotions I have become very familiar with throughout the course of my life. We are all faced with moments in our lives where those feelings are present. We don't necessarily have to be going through the same exact experiences as others to know those emotions. No matter what they are, those emotions/feelings of Fear, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, Uncertainty, Panic... they are all the same. They can consume our thoughts within seconds. Like a forest fire... at times they may seem almost uncontrollable. These are all emotions that as children, we really don't realize exist. We are so caught up in living, in dreaming, in "fairy tales" that the thought of going through hard times in life seems almost unreal.
....
I have been sitting here for the past 30 minutes, thinking of what else to say. My mind seems to be drawing a blank. You know, the doctors tell you that stress is the worst thing for cancer, or any life threatening illness for that matter. I guess I am having to learn how to NOT stress. I mean Yeah, I have cancer, but life continues. If I were a mother, I would still have to face my daily life with children. It doesn't just stop. I think that is the weirdest thing for me, about life NOT stopping. Let me start from the beginning of that thought. When I first found out about the cancer, and the days that followed, I saw people, everyone, living their lives. Talking about shopping, and going out, and dating and frustrations with their appearance. Things that I would typically talk about as well. But, in those days following my diagnosis, It was weird, I felt upset in a way, "Why are those things important?" was always a thought that crossed my mind. Life was continuing, people were still going about their daily routines and I was faced with a life threatening illness. I was reading one of my favorite books the other day "Tuesdays with Morrie", and when Morrie was diagnosed with ALS, (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which is a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement) he too felt the same way, "How are people still going about their lives, when mine has drastically changed?" Now, as selfish as that may sound, I don't mean it that way. But, it has been a thought that has crossed my mind a few times. I am not going to lie to everyone and say that this is a piece of cake. I mean physically I am fine. But then when I really stop to think about it and whats really going on, it can be so overwhelming. I had a mini breakdown yesterday. Everything that has been going on in my life (not just the cancer) all of a sudden just hit me, like a ton of bricks. I still feel a heaviness of anxiety, but it is slowly going away. My friends have told me that this is probably one of the first of many. (great! haha) But, if anything, this is teaching me to be a bit more vulnerable, to be more trusting and to let people in again.
I have to say I am so blessed, despite the real "HUMAN" emotions that I have talked about tonight. My friend was telling me how the Lord gives us "Guardian Angels" whether we see them or not. And you know, he is right. (Thank you for that!) I woke up today and reflected on the past few weeks and saw all the people in my life whom have picked me up when I had fallen these past few weeks, or have made me laugh when I was crying, or just told me that they cared. (I am slightly teary eyed as I am writing this) Thank you to my "Guardian Angels" ( you know who you are) who have really been a huge, huge support to me through this so far. I would be so lost without you. And to all of you who are reading my blog. Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. Just so you all know. I start treatment next week, I will be in Tulsa, OK at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. I am not too sure how often/long I will be there, but I do know, that I am ready to beat this. I am ready for all the victories ahead!
So, I guess if you take anything away from this. I hope you always remember that, it's okay to be scared, its okay to be sad, its okay to be stressed. I mean, we are all human, we don't have to be tough all the time. But, You have to pick yourself out of the rut you may be in.. because the worst thing you can do is to let those negative emotions last.. they don't accomplish anything...
Now.. in the words of Meredith Grey:
“Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.”
I love Grey's Anatomy, I love all the random yet inspirational/thought provoking (at times) quotes Meredith Grey says. Sometimes, I feel as though some of the things she says are exactly what I am feeling, or what I have felt or thought at times. Life is like a rollercoaster, we all know this. It's full of highs and lows, twists and turns, some expected, some not. Its constantly in motion, whether it be fast paced, or slow paced.
I have talked about how I felt when I heard the words "You have CANCER" over the phone. I have talked about how everyday up until that moment I allowed all of life's twists and turns, highs and lows really affect me. When I heard the words "You have CANCER" it was as if my life came to a sudden halt. I remember in those following moments, feeling every single negative emotion a person could possibly feel at once. FEAR, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, FEAR, Uncertainty, Panic, Stress, Anxiety, Sadness, Anger, FEAR. All those emotions I have become very familiar with throughout the course of my life. We are all faced with moments in our lives where those feelings are present. We don't necessarily have to be going through the same exact experiences as others to know those emotions. No matter what they are, those emotions/feelings of Fear, Sorrow, Despair, Loneliness, Uncertainty, Panic... they are all the same. They can consume our thoughts within seconds. Like a forest fire... at times they may seem almost uncontrollable. These are all emotions that as children, we really don't realize exist. We are so caught up in living, in dreaming, in "fairy tales" that the thought of going through hard times in life seems almost unreal.
....
I have been sitting here for the past 30 minutes, thinking of what else to say. My mind seems to be drawing a blank. You know, the doctors tell you that stress is the worst thing for cancer, or any life threatening illness for that matter. I guess I am having to learn how to NOT stress. I mean Yeah, I have cancer, but life continues. If I were a mother, I would still have to face my daily life with children. It doesn't just stop. I think that is the weirdest thing for me, about life NOT stopping. Let me start from the beginning of that thought. When I first found out about the cancer, and the days that followed, I saw people, everyone, living their lives. Talking about shopping, and going out, and dating and frustrations with their appearance. Things that I would typically talk about as well. But, in those days following my diagnosis, It was weird, I felt upset in a way, "Why are those things important?" was always a thought that crossed my mind. Life was continuing, people were still going about their daily routines and I was faced with a life threatening illness. I was reading one of my favorite books the other day "Tuesdays with Morrie", and when Morrie was diagnosed with ALS, (Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, which is a disease of the nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord that control voluntary muscle movement) he too felt the same way, "How are people still going about their lives, when mine has drastically changed?" Now, as selfish as that may sound, I don't mean it that way. But, it has been a thought that has crossed my mind a few times. I am not going to lie to everyone and say that this is a piece of cake. I mean physically I am fine. But then when I really stop to think about it and whats really going on, it can be so overwhelming. I had a mini breakdown yesterday. Everything that has been going on in my life (not just the cancer) all of a sudden just hit me, like a ton of bricks. I still feel a heaviness of anxiety, but it is slowly going away. My friends have told me that this is probably one of the first of many. (great! haha) But, if anything, this is teaching me to be a bit more vulnerable, to be more trusting and to let people in again.
I have to say I am so blessed, despite the real "HUMAN" emotions that I have talked about tonight. My friend was telling me how the Lord gives us "Guardian Angels" whether we see them or not. And you know, he is right. (Thank you for that!) I woke up today and reflected on the past few weeks and saw all the people in my life whom have picked me up when I had fallen these past few weeks, or have made me laugh when I was crying, or just told me that they cared. (I am slightly teary eyed as I am writing this) Thank you to my "Guardian Angels" ( you know who you are) who have really been a huge, huge support to me through this so far. I would be so lost without you. And to all of you who are reading my blog. Thank you for being apart of this journey with me. Just so you all know. I start treatment next week, I will be in Tulsa, OK at the Cancer Treatment Center of America. I am not too sure how often/long I will be there, but I do know, that I am ready to beat this. I am ready for all the victories ahead!
So, I guess if you take anything away from this. I hope you always remember that, it's okay to be scared, its okay to be sad, its okay to be stressed. I mean, we are all human, we don't have to be tough all the time. But, You have to pick yourself out of the rut you may be in.. because the worst thing you can do is to let those negative emotions last.. they don't accomplish anything...
Now.. in the words of Meredith Grey:
“Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely.”
Life is a Gift
Hello Everyone!
So, it has been a few days since I have been on here, and I know everyone has been asking how I have been doing and such. Well, so far so good. I think the past few days it hadn't really hit me, I was still in shock mode. But now, it is seeming more real.
The first thought that came to me was the fact that I may possibly lose my hair. I was very concerned about that for a few days. I know it may sound silly, but that is how I felt. My friend Sonia told me that as a hairstylist, she has had a few clients that have gone through what I am going through, and that is always the number one fear. I have to admit, that was my number one fear. You would think the idea of having a serious disease would freak me out, but at the time it was the last thing on my mind.
But....
I have come to accept the fact that I may lose my hair. I have heard many different things, some people go completely bald, other's hair thins out. Either way, I am finally okay with that idea.
This past weekend, I have really taken the time to reevaluate my environment. Eliminating stress, decluttering and everything. I was reading in the WebMD magazine the other day while I was at the doctor's office, and there was an article that featured Christina Applegate, and that is exactly what she did when she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was inspired by her actions to not only to do some of the "environmental cleanup" but, to also continue to have a positive outlook.
People have been wondering how I have been feeling. Honestly, I feel fine. I know that it may not make sense, but this is probably one of the happiest times in my life. Again, that may sound twisted. But, if you listen to why I may feel that way, you will understand.
For the past 5 years I have literally been walking around with a dark cloud. There were a few times were I was so sad and depressed that I didn't understand what the point of life really was. Even though I knew Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us, I didn't feel that I fit into that plan. Now, I'm making it sound like I was in a bad state of mind. Think what you will. ...I look now at life and see that I wasn't really looking at life from its real perspective. When I got the phone call about 3 weeks ago that the possiblity of me having cancer was high, it was almost as if a switch flipped in my mind. It was as if I was looking at life from brand new eyes. It took a couple of days before I was able to see how truly blessed I am, and how truly blessed we all are. Even if life may seem bleak at times, we are all so blessed and so loved by our Heavenly Father and the people who surround us. Always remember that.
So, what have I been doing since I found out.? Living..
I have been living my life, laughing, singing, rejoicing. I have been able to spend time with amazing friends whether its singing karaoke, going to estate and garage sales, driving through the country listening to Mumford and Sons (my favorite band), playing with horses (yes, my friend's have horses on their land... I find that very cool) .. I have just been living, which is something I feel I have never really done. I would always just sit around waiting for my life to "fall into place" but I've realized that sometimes you just have to go out into the world, and live... they say to "live like it's your last day". Well, my last day is at leas 80 years away. But, I am starting now to live everyday as if it is a gift. Life is a gift, just look around and you will see how amazing it truly is.
So, this is why I say, this is probably the happiest I have ever been. Now, I know that kicking cancer's butt isn't going to be an easy journey, and I know I am going to have days where I may feel so physically low, but I am going to take it one day at a time.
The whole point of coming down to this earth is for us as children of our Heavenly Father to "endure" all trials and opposition in this life, so we are able to return to our Heavenly Father again. In order for us to become "perfected" like he is, we must be given adversity. It took me a long time to figure that out, until one day a good friend of mine, and someone whom I look up to so much said "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on stone" . Meaning, life can't be easy and simple in order for us to progress. It has to be hard like the "stone" so we become sharp and refined.
Anyway, I am always on "random topic changes". My mind is so crazy, I can literally think of about 10 different things, have a conversation with someone, and be completely aware of what is going on around me, all at the same time. That's talent. My first doctor's appointment is Wednesday, it will be a consultation to talk about treatment options. I am going to get a second opinion to ensure that I am 100% confident with everything is going on. They are going to run tests and such to make sure that the cancer is localized like it shows up on my CAT scan, and to make sure it hasn't metastasized. I don't think that it has, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
Now remember, I am still the same Lauren as before, I just have cancer, BUT it doesn't mean I am any different, I will beat this. And I am so grateful for every single one of you whom as blessed my life and have been on my team. You are all amazing. I love you all.
Lauren
So, it has been a few days since I have been on here, and I know everyone has been asking how I have been doing and such. Well, so far so good. I think the past few days it hadn't really hit me, I was still in shock mode. But now, it is seeming more real.
The first thought that came to me was the fact that I may possibly lose my hair. I was very concerned about that for a few days. I know it may sound silly, but that is how I felt. My friend Sonia told me that as a hairstylist, she has had a few clients that have gone through what I am going through, and that is always the number one fear. I have to admit, that was my number one fear. You would think the idea of having a serious disease would freak me out, but at the time it was the last thing on my mind.
But....
I have come to accept the fact that I may lose my hair. I have heard many different things, some people go completely bald, other's hair thins out. Either way, I am finally okay with that idea.
This past weekend, I have really taken the time to reevaluate my environment. Eliminating stress, decluttering and everything. I was reading in the WebMD magazine the other day while I was at the doctor's office, and there was an article that featured Christina Applegate, and that is exactly what she did when she was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was inspired by her actions to not only to do some of the "environmental cleanup" but, to also continue to have a positive outlook.
People have been wondering how I have been feeling. Honestly, I feel fine. I know that it may not make sense, but this is probably one of the happiest times in my life. Again, that may sound twisted. But, if you listen to why I may feel that way, you will understand.
For the past 5 years I have literally been walking around with a dark cloud. There were a few times were I was so sad and depressed that I didn't understand what the point of life really was. Even though I knew Heavenly Father has a plan for each and everyone of us, I didn't feel that I fit into that plan. Now, I'm making it sound like I was in a bad state of mind. Think what you will. ...I look now at life and see that I wasn't really looking at life from its real perspective. When I got the phone call about 3 weeks ago that the possiblity of me having cancer was high, it was almost as if a switch flipped in my mind. It was as if I was looking at life from brand new eyes. It took a couple of days before I was able to see how truly blessed I am, and how truly blessed we all are. Even if life may seem bleak at times, we are all so blessed and so loved by our Heavenly Father and the people who surround us. Always remember that.
So, what have I been doing since I found out.? Living..
I have been living my life, laughing, singing, rejoicing. I have been able to spend time with amazing friends whether its singing karaoke, going to estate and garage sales, driving through the country listening to Mumford and Sons (my favorite band), playing with horses (yes, my friend's have horses on their land... I find that very cool) .. I have just been living, which is something I feel I have never really done. I would always just sit around waiting for my life to "fall into place" but I've realized that sometimes you just have to go out into the world, and live... they say to "live like it's your last day". Well, my last day is at leas 80 years away. But, I am starting now to live everyday as if it is a gift. Life is a gift, just look around and you will see how amazing it truly is.
So, this is why I say, this is probably the happiest I have ever been. Now, I know that kicking cancer's butt isn't going to be an easy journey, and I know I am going to have days where I may feel so physically low, but I am going to take it one day at a time.
The whole point of coming down to this earth is for us as children of our Heavenly Father to "endure" all trials and opposition in this life, so we are able to return to our Heavenly Father again. In order for us to become "perfected" like he is, we must be given adversity. It took me a long time to figure that out, until one day a good friend of mine, and someone whom I look up to so much said "You can't sharpen a sword on velvet, you can only sharpen it on stone" . Meaning, life can't be easy and simple in order for us to progress. It has to be hard like the "stone" so we become sharp and refined.
Anyway, I am always on "random topic changes". My mind is so crazy, I can literally think of about 10 different things, have a conversation with someone, and be completely aware of what is going on around me, all at the same time. That's talent. My first doctor's appointment is Wednesday, it will be a consultation to talk about treatment options. I am going to get a second opinion to ensure that I am 100% confident with everything is going on. They are going to run tests and such to make sure that the cancer is localized like it shows up on my CAT scan, and to make sure it hasn't metastasized. I don't think that it has, but I would rather be safe than sorry.
Now remember, I am still the same Lauren as before, I just have cancer, BUT it doesn't mean I am any different, I will beat this. And I am so grateful for every single one of you whom as blessed my life and have been on my team. You are all amazing. I love you all.
Lauren
Hello World!!
Hello Everyone!
This is my first blog entry, so bare with me. As many of you know, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is a form of cancer. Today was my first day, of knowing the truth. As I have been talking to so many of my loved ones, many of them had mentioned to me about possibly making a blog or something, just so I can write down my feelings, but also to be able to let every know what's going on during this mini journey in my life. It's not for people to feel sorry for me or anything, its just a way to express myself and to let people to know that everything is going to be okay.
Day 1:
I woke up at 5 am, wide awake. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. It's not the whole "Cancer" diagnosis that really gets me. I think it is more of not knowing what is going to happen next. I mean, I know that I will beat this, and that I am going to live a very long life, but still, it's intense. I think I feel more sad about how the people in my life may feel. I mean, this isn't something that is easy to share or soak in. But, I know that I accepted this trial before I came down to this earth, and that the Lord has a plan for me, and for all of you. Okay, now where was I? .. I woke up at 5 this morning, and literally laid in bed staring at the ceiling for about an hour. I started to think just about everything. I can't pinpoint exactly what "everything" is, but, its a lot. My Mom and Dad have been so wonderful through this. My Mom was on the phone all morning with doctors and the insurance company, so all the hard stuff is out of the way. She and I were literally on the phone for a few hours with one person at one point, but they got all the paperwork and files put together so I can start treatment. A friend of mine named John, is in a Business group with me. His wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, and has had No Evidence of Disease for 10 years now. Through Clinical Trials, Eastern and Western Wellness and Medicine, Acupuncture and all that jazz, Lori, is Alive and Thriving. Lori called me this morning and told me that she and John will be there every step of the way. They actually have a cancer foundation which they started together and have been able to help so many people whom have been touched by cancer.
What is Hodgkin's Lymphoma?
That was my question, I had heard of it a few times, a few relatives and peers of mine have been touched by this diease, but I still had no idea what it was.
According to the National Cancer Institute, Hodgkin's Lymphoma is " A cancer of the immune system that is marked by the presence of a type of cell called the Reed-Sternberg cell. The two major types of Hodgkin lymphoma are classical Hodgkin lymphoma and nodular lymphocyte-predominant Hodgkin lymphoma. Symptoms include the painless enlargement of lymph nodes, spleen, or other immune tissue. Other symptoms include fever, weight loss, fatigue, or night sweats. Also called Hodgkin disease."
So Basically, My cancer is in the lymph node near my collarbone. I still don't know too much about it. But, I do know that the mass is about 4 inches in diameter, and it is about 1 inch above my aorta, and very close to my lung. I had a needle biopsy about 2 weeks ago, and the results came back as "inconclusive". So, on Monday, the doctor's did a surgical biopsy and removed part of the tissue. From my own personal research, I would say I am in Stage 1. But, I will have to wait and see what the doctor's say next week to know for sure. Stage 2 is when the cancer has spread through the lymphatic system to the diaphragm.
This is also from the National Cancer Institute:
" This type of cancer is also called Hodgkin disease. Every year in the United States, more than 8,000 people learn they have this disease.
Cancer research has led to real progress against Hodgkin lymphoma. Most people diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma can now be cured, or their disease can be controlled for many years. Continuing research offers hope that, in the future, even more people with this disease will be treated successfully."
So, there in a nutshell is all that I know. I Love each and everyone of you, and am so grateful for your support, love, and prayers. Now, what we need to do, is to keep living life, and be happy, and this will be over in a breeze!
Love you!!!
Lauren :)
This is my first blog entry, so bare with me. As many of you know, I have been diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, which is a form of cancer. Today was my first day, of knowing the truth. As I have been talking to so many of my loved ones, many of them had mentioned to me about possibly making a blog or something, just so I can write down my feelings, but also to be able to let every know what's going on during this mini journey in my life. It's not for people to feel sorry for me or anything, its just a way to express myself and to let people to know that everything is going to be okay.
Day 1:
I woke up at 5 am, wide awake. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. It's not the whole "Cancer" diagnosis that really gets me. I think it is more of not knowing what is going to happen next. I mean, I know that I will beat this, and that I am going to live a very long life, but still, it's intense. I think I feel more sad about how the people in my life may feel. I mean, this isn't something that is easy to share or soak in. But, I know that I accepted this trial before I came down to this earth, and that the Lord has a plan for me, and for all of you. Okay, now where was I? .. I woke up at 5 this morning, and literally laid in bed staring at the ceiling for about an hour. I started to think just about everything. I can't pinpoint exactly what "everything" is, but, its a lot. My Mom and Dad have been so wonderful through this. My Mom was on the phone all morning with doctors and the insurance company, so all the hard stuff is out of the way. She and I were literally on the phone for a few hours with one person at one point, but they got all the paperwork and files put together so I can start treatment. A friend of mine named John, is in a Business group with me. His wife was diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer, and has had No Evidence of Disease for 10 years now. Through Clinical Trials, Eastern and Western Wellness and Medicine, Acupuncture and all that jazz, Lori, is Alive and Thriving. Lori called me this morning and told me that she and John will be there every step of the way. They actually have a cancer foundation which they started together and have been able to help so many people whom have been touched by cancer.
What is Hodgkin's Lymphoma?
That was my question, I had heard of it a few times, a few relatives and peers of mine have been touched by this diease, but I still had no idea what it was.
According to the National Cancer Institute, Hodgkin's Lymphoma is " A cancer of the immune system that is marked by the presence of a type of cell called the Reed-Sternberg cell. The two major types of Hodgkin lymphoma are classical Hodgkin lymphoma and nodular lymphocyte-predominant Hodgkin lymphoma. Symptoms include the painless enlargement of lymph nodes, spleen, or other immune tissue. Other symptoms include fever, weight loss, fatigue, or night sweats. Also called Hodgkin disease."
So Basically, My cancer is in the lymph node near my collarbone. I still don't know too much about it. But, I do know that the mass is about 4 inches in diameter, and it is about 1 inch above my aorta, and very close to my lung. I had a needle biopsy about 2 weeks ago, and the results came back as "inconclusive". So, on Monday, the doctor's did a surgical biopsy and removed part of the tissue. From my own personal research, I would say I am in Stage 1. But, I will have to wait and see what the doctor's say next week to know for sure. Stage 2 is when the cancer has spread through the lymphatic system to the diaphragm.
This is also from the National Cancer Institute:
" This type of cancer is also called Hodgkin disease. Every year in the United States, more than 8,000 people learn they have this disease.
Cancer research has led to real progress against Hodgkin lymphoma. Most people diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma can now be cured, or their disease can be controlled for many years. Continuing research offers hope that, in the future, even more people with this disease will be treated successfully."
So, there in a nutshell is all that I know. I Love each and everyone of you, and am so grateful for your support, love, and prayers. Now, what we need to do, is to keep living life, and be happy, and this will be over in a breeze!
Love you!!!
Lauren :)
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