I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. ~Jack Handey

Day 41 - A picture of your pet.

Well, My Pets died a while ago.. BUT.. here is a picture of one of the critter's that melted my heart :)

Cleo.


Day 42 - A picture of your dream house.

I don't know exactly what my "dream" house would look like.. BUT, I like this one :)


Day 43 - A picture of something you can’t function without.
It's terrible.. BUT I'm obsessed...


Day 44 - A picture of someone you’re told you look like.

I hear this one...

ps.. I'm in LOVE with her nails...



Day 45 - A picture of your room.
I don't have any pictures of my room

Day 46 - A picture of where you wish you were right now.

3 more monthssssss :)




Day 47 - A picture of your favorite place to shop.
what can I say? Cute Clothes.. Cheap Prices.. can't beat that... :)


Day 48 - A picture of your favorite actress/actor.

Actress...
I LOVE these Sisters.. Emily Deschanel.. and Zooey Deschanel




Actor...
Johnny Depp.. Always and Forever

It's about time..

So, alot of my fellow blogger pals have been doing/keeping up with the "60 Day Challenge'.. I have been slacking... BUT I feel inspired to catch up!

Thank you Gabe, Lindsey, Jessica you guys have inspired me once again!

I had to look back and see what day I left off on... I was thinking I could just start from where I left off, but that would then involve me posting a new blog everyday.. SO, I decided to catch up all in one post :)



Here are Days 10 - 40.. *haha yes.. the last one I did was exactly 30 days ago..

Enjoy :)


Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

I had to think LONG and Hard.. and Karen D wins! haha we have done so many random things together over the years.. too many to count


-

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

though my life was saved here.. I really have a dislike for the state.






Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

so many to choose from!





(I don't have any recent pics of my mom... BUT I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!)





Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

I get to see them in JUNE!!


Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

There is alot of us... but I can't imagine my life without them!! I wish I had pics of EVERYONE!












Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

No.. I don't want to jump off of this.. I want to climb a Mountain.. I want to feel like I am standing on top of the world!!






Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.




Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.




Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.



Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

I don't think there is anything in particular I would wish to forget.. every experience I have had has made me into who I am today.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

I wish I were better at speaking German...




Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

This book has changed my life for the better.. :)






Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

I wish I could make the world get rid of this...




Day 25 - A picture of your day.

This really has nothing to do with my day.. but I liked this pic.. and My Day has been good so far!




Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

The temple means so much to me.. with it, we are able to be sealed to our families for time and all eternity. What a beautiful blessing! Kansas City is getting one!! SHould be done soon!



Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

This little guy here is my buddy .. and cousin :)





Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

hmmm... I try not to focus on my fears..

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Ohhhh It's so cute! I want one :)






Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

One of my other Best Friends!! I get to see her for 3 whole weeks in a few months!!!






Day 31 - A picture of a tradition you have.

EVERY year for the past few years.. We have always gone to Karen's Aunt Jan's Halloween Party!!

I only have pics from 2008, 2009, and last year...

2008 - James, Karen, Daniel and Myself.. This year was probably the most awesome!



2009 - James, Karen, Myself, Seth, and Daniel - Daniel, Karen and James had the best costumes.. Seth and I were lame


2010 - This was a pretty good one too! Karen, Morgan, Chris and Myself.. Karen was a loofah, Morgan was Adam Ant, I was Kat Von Dee, and Chris (not pictured) was a baby!





Day 32 - A picture of a crazy night.

I think the pics above can count for this one

Day 33 - A picture of the house you grew up in.

haha I found one on Google Maps!
Buuuuuut, it wouldn't upload....




Day 34 - A picture of your currently most played CD.

I'm listening to Mix CDs right now...






Day 35 - A picture of your favorite place to eat.

yummy yummy.... I love Thai food :)



Day 36 - A picture of your ‘other half'.

karen and alyssa both






Day 37 - A picture of the people you spend most of your time with.

With these girls :) My Rio Fam!!




Day 38 - A picture of the best part of your day.

I love meditation.. If only I could do it everyday on a beach :)




Day 39 - A picture of your favorite movie.

hhhhmmmm... fav movie?? well , I love quite a few :)

My all time Favorite...



Day 40 - A picture of your favorite Disney character.











NOTE TO SELF: NEVER BE A SLACKER

A Strong Foundation

266 days...


... is number of days from the day I was diagnosed with cancer to the day I found out the cancer was no longer in my body.

266 days....

It's so surreal to me. That's almost 2/3 of year. Just add 99 more days, and that would equal a year. I remember meeting with one of the first doctors, back in October, he said the cancer had been in my body for at least a year.. give or take.. I think about those days, I think about when the "darkness" first set it in.. When exactly was it? What was I doing that day? That week? I had no idea it had appeared, I think about when I first noticed my body felt different, I would say it was back in January 2010/December 2009... I remember feeling a sense of heaviness in my chest, feeling a sense of anxiety I had never felt before. I couldn't explain it, I had no idea where it came from. Breathing was harder, my voice was constantly strained. I used to sing all the time, but then I couldn't hit certain notes without my voice cracking. Sometimes my vocal cord would get caught on something.. it always felt like a Charlie Horse, except in my throat. Probably one of the most painful things ever.

I think back to when I first found the lump in my neck. I was sitting at the stoplight turning onto the main road outside my neighborhood. My hair was long at the time. I remember sitting at the stoplight brushing my hair past my shoulder. My hand happened to brush against my collarbone in the process, that is when I felt it. A surge of anxiety rushed through me. The doctor's told me it was a cyst. I knew it wasn't. I knew it was something more, I knew it wasn't something I could just "brush off". But, I didn't want to know the truth. I didn't want to know what exactly it was. I figured, if I didn't know what it was, then it would just disappear.

266 days, its so overwhelming to think about. That number is such a SMALL number compared to the number of days I have left in my lifetime. During those days, I thought I would NEVER see an end to it. I thought March would NEVER be here. And now, it's almost April.

I handled myself pretty well through all of this, I trusted in the Lord, I had Faith. I relied on him for strength, I relied on my family and friends for strength. But then one day, I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It was pretty much the ENTIRE month of February. I know I have mentioned it a little bit in previous posts, but I look back and think about how hopeless I truly was.

February was the hardest month this past winter. Though I had faith in the Lord, I found that I wandered away from that. Only for a brief time though. I completely disconnected myself from loved ones, from Christ, from the Gospel. I wandered. I literally felt like the gates of Hell were right next to me. I wasn't myself, I couldn't even recognize myself during that month. I spent many days and nights just not caring anymore. My days were filled with distractions, and my nights were full of tears, numbness and pain. I felt so alone, I didn't see what the point of life was. I didn't understand why I was surviving this. So much had changed in such a short period of time, I didn't have time to process ANYTHING. So, all these emotions had built up and then I just crashed. It was awful.

Things changed once I went down to Tulsa for my 8th round of chemo. I read my Aunt Bonnie's book which changed my life. I woke up and I had changed. I felt like I was myself again. I put the Lord back in my life. It scared me because I realized at how quickly WE can change, and not even realize it. I realized that Satan can pull us down if we don't have our guards up.

I am so grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful that I went through this awful, yet beautiful journey, because it has brought so much knowledge, wisdom, and even joy to my life.

I wasn't expecting my doctor to tell me the Cancer was gone. I was expecting her to say that it had shrunk. When I heard that it was gone, I was speechless. I don't have to focus so much on this anymore. I can focus on other things now. My life is going to be so different.Different is good though.

I know that things have calmed down for now. I feel peace and joy. But, I also know that life is full of adversity, but after going through this, I know that I can face anything and get through anything.

Having Cancer has taught me so much. It has taught me to stand up for myself. It has given me a confidence in myself I never knew was there. It has brought some AMAZING people into my life, whom I NEVER would have met had I not gone through this. It has opened so many doors for me. It has taught me the true meaning of this mortal existence. It has taught me to not worry about what others think of me. It has taught me that material things and vain things are NOT important. It has given me this strong foundation for me to stand on.

I Believe...

Here is a little of what I believe.




















www.mormon.org
www.lds.org

My "Aha" Moment

Today I had an "AHA" Moment.


I have been doing so much thinking these past few weeks. Past few days even. So much has changed. So much is different. I realized for a while (this past month) I had been cold and distant. I was angry, I shut people out of my life temporarily. I had sarcastic responses for everything. I was short with those closest to me. I said things I didn't mean. I spent ALL my time distracting myself from life. I spent every free moment of mine with people. I spent every moment doing something to keep myself from thinking. Now that I am almost done with treatment, I knew that life would be returning to normal soon. Meaning, instead of focusing mainly on beating cancer, I would have to start thinking about my future again. Once treatment's done, it will be back to living my life as a "soon to be" 23 year old. Work, dating, marriage, kids, growing up even more is what comes next in life. And THAT scared me. It still kinda scares me. Change whether positive or negative can be a scary thing. It disrupts our routines.

So, I slightly panicked. I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't want to make room in my heart for anything new. I didn't want to deal with the positve stress of life changing. I decided that I only had room for one thing, and that was JUST the cancer. So, I shut people out, I became "selfish" temporarily. I spent every free moment wasting time, distracting myself, I didn't want to think about anything anymore. My mentality was, I had been through so much pain the past few years, especially the past few months physically, that I didn't want any disappointment, rejection, hurt, affliction. (That is a very prideful, selfish thought, part of being in this mortal existence, we are supposed to go through those motions, by avoiding that and feeling the way I was feeling, I was basically disregarding everything the Savior did for me.)I felt so bad when I realized that. It wasn't in my nature to feel the way I was feeling.

I thought about this today actually, I went to one of my favorite thinking spots. It's a big open field close to the airport. (ask me, I'll show you sometime) The road is always silent, there are very few cars that drive by it. If you stand at the top of the slight hill, you can see land and trees for miles and miles. It is so beautiful, so quiet. While I was there just thinking, I thought about my interactions with everyone in my circle, thought about my actions, and I had an "enlightening" moment. I didn't realize that I had hurt some of the people around me, until one of them made a comment. I am grateful they brought it up to me, in my mind I knew what I was doing, I wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt the ones I care about, I was only thinking of myself, I didn't think my actions affected those around me. Stupid thought I know. I felt so bad, but that is what is amazing about being alive, about the Atonement. We are able to make changes, move forward, and know that there are so many people who love and care.


After realizing all of this, I felt so much better. I've decided to change my ways of thinking. I decided to move forward, be happy, and love everyone around me. To put my entire trust in the Lord, embrace my upcoming "normal" life again and to not forget what is most important.


I love you my dear friends, my dear family. I am so thankful for each and everyone of you. Grateful to those whom have been by my side no matter how difficult, confusing, emotional I have been. Grateful for the prayers, fasting, positive thoughts, listening ears, compassion, and love that they have shown me. Life is not easy, it's not supposed to be. But, it is worth it, and the people in our lives are also worth it.

Jesus Christ

I just want to express my love for the Savior Jesus Christ. He is real. He lives. I have felt his healing power in my life so much. Last night I was reading in the March 2008 Ensign (the whole magazine testifies of Jesus Christ) I was reading President Gordon B. Hinkley's testimony of him. As I turned the page, this picture was above the writing. At first I payed little attention to it because I was so focused on the words, but as I looked at it, I felt something.



This is the photo I saw. You can see the power in Christ's eyes as he is casting Satan away. I can't really explain all the words that come to my mind as I look at this. I just love it. It's such a different portrayal of the Savior, but, in it, it (to me) shows how Christ has the power to heal us, to help us, to help us overcome sin, to help us with anything. He fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, he endured the temptations of Satan, he bled from every pore in the Gethsemane and died on the cross, he was resurrected and he lives. He did this for us, because he loves us. He began a public ministry, teaching all the people about him and his Father, our Heavenly Father. He taught, healed, and blessed many people in his time on this earth, and he continues to do so with each and everyone of us. He knows us all by name. He gave us the best gift there is, the gift of eternal life, because of this, we have the opportunity to live with him again and to be happy. He is Almighty, He loves us so much, He has felt every single emotion we have felt or will even feel. He is our Brother, our Friend. I have been able to take the time to really get to know him and can't imagine my life without him it.

Our lives with Christ are full of happiness, we are able to weather ANY storm we are faced with. Without him, our lives are like a desert with barren water. I have felt both, and I can testify that having Christ in my life 100% has made so much of a difference. I know that my life has more meaning to it.

Days 4 - 9

I'm way behind.. I believe this is possibly Day 9 now.. so here are the past few days


Day 04 – A picture of your night

hmmm.. well, last night I didn't take any pictures, BUT I spent the first half of my evening with Savannah!


And the last portion I spent it with some of my other favorite people... the guys who got me through the beginning of this trial.. Morgan and Noah, as well as a few other people.. I just don't have a photo of EVERYONE.

But, here is what occupied our evening for a brief moment... FRANCK!! aka.. Martin Short





Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

hmmm... I don't know if I can think of just one favorite memory.. But, I would say some of my favorite memories are from the summer of 2008... Times were fun then :)

Adventures at Walmart


Jack Johnson Concert









I have more pics.. but, my computer wouldn't let me upload them.




Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Lauren Graham... I just love her!



Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Hmm... Most Treasured Item.. I'm not sure if I have an actual "treasured" item.... I would say my journal.. I write everything in it, it's almost better than a best friend.


Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Well, this one wins... Kristina, remember this?


How Many People can you fit in the Baby Pic Predictor??


Coolest Halloween Party Ever.


Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.


Karen - We have been through so much together, we met back in Highschool and have been "sisters" ever since! Love her Tons!


Alyssa - We met at the PERFECT time! So many memories! love her lots!

Also, My Parents have gotten me through pretty much EVERYTHING in my life. I love them so much, Love their example, the sacrifices they make and everything. The deserve recognition! I just don't have a current photo.