266 days...
... is number of days from the day I was diagnosed with cancer to the day I found out the cancer was no longer in my body.
266 days....
It's so surreal to me. That's almost 2/3 of year. Just add 99 more days, and that would equal a year. I remember meeting with one of the first doctors, back in October, he said the cancer had been in my body for at least a year.. give or take.. I think about those days, I think about when the "darkness" first set it in.. When exactly was it? What was I doing that day? That week? I had no idea it had appeared, I think about when I first noticed my body felt different, I would say it was back in January 2010/December 2009... I remember feeling a sense of heaviness in my chest, feeling a sense of anxiety I had never felt before. I couldn't explain it, I had no idea where it came from. Breathing was harder, my voice was constantly strained. I used to sing all the time, but then I couldn't hit certain notes without my voice cracking. Sometimes my vocal cord would get caught on something.. it always felt like a Charlie Horse, except in my throat. Probably one of the most painful things ever.
I think back to when I first found the lump in my neck. I was sitting at the stoplight turning onto the main road outside my neighborhood. My hair was long at the time. I remember sitting at the stoplight brushing my hair past my shoulder. My hand happened to brush against my collarbone in the process, that is when I felt it. A surge of anxiety rushed through me. The doctor's told me it was a cyst. I knew it wasn't. I knew it was something more, I knew it wasn't something I could just "brush off". But, I didn't want to know the truth. I didn't want to know what exactly it was. I figured, if I didn't know what it was, then it would just disappear.
266 days, its so overwhelming to think about. That number is such a SMALL number compared to the number of days I have left in my lifetime. During those days, I thought I would NEVER see an end to it. I thought March would NEVER be here. And now, it's almost April.
I handled myself pretty well through all of this, I trusted in the Lord, I had Faith. I relied on him for strength, I relied on my family and friends for strength. But then one day, I felt like I couldn't handle it anymore. It was pretty much the ENTIRE month of February. I know I have mentioned it a little bit in previous posts, but I look back and think about how hopeless I truly was.
February was the hardest month this past winter. Though I had faith in the Lord, I found that I wandered away from that. Only for a brief time though. I completely disconnected myself from loved ones, from Christ, from the Gospel. I wandered. I literally felt like the gates of Hell were right next to me. I wasn't myself, I couldn't even recognize myself during that month. I spent many days and nights just not caring anymore. My days were filled with distractions, and my nights were full of tears, numbness and pain. I felt so alone, I didn't see what the point of life was. I didn't understand why I was surviving this. So much had changed in such a short period of time, I didn't have time to process ANYTHING. So, all these emotions had built up and then I just crashed. It was awful.
Things changed once I went down to Tulsa for my 8th round of chemo. I read my Aunt Bonnie's book which changed my life. I woke up and I had changed. I felt like I was myself again. I put the Lord back in my life. It scared me because I realized at how quickly WE can change, and not even realize it. I realized that Satan can pull us down if we don't have our guards up.
I am so grateful for the Savior Jesus Christ. I am so grateful to be alive. I am so grateful that I went through this awful, yet beautiful journey, because it has brought so much knowledge, wisdom, and even joy to my life.
I wasn't expecting my doctor to tell me the Cancer was gone. I was expecting her to say that it had shrunk. When I heard that it was gone, I was speechless. I don't have to focus so much on this anymore. I can focus on other things now. My life is going to be so different.Different is good though.
I know that things have calmed down for now. I feel peace and joy. But, I also know that life is full of adversity, but after going through this, I know that I can face anything and get through anything.
Having Cancer has taught me so much. It has taught me to stand up for myself. It has given me a confidence in myself I never knew was there. It has brought some AMAZING people into my life, whom I NEVER would have met had I not gone through this. It has opened so many doors for me. It has taught me the true meaning of this mortal existence. It has taught me to not worry about what others think of me. It has taught me that material things and vain things are NOT important. It has given me this strong foundation for me to stand on.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
My "Aha" Moment
Today I had an "AHA" Moment.
I have been doing so much thinking these past few weeks. Past few days even. So much has changed. So much is different. I realized for a while (this past month) I had been cold and distant. I was angry, I shut people out of my life temporarily. I had sarcastic responses for everything. I was short with those closest to me. I said things I didn't mean. I spent ALL my time distracting myself from life. I spent every free moment of mine with people. I spent every moment doing something to keep myself from thinking. Now that I am almost done with treatment, I knew that life would be returning to normal soon. Meaning, instead of focusing mainly on beating cancer, I would have to start thinking about my future again. Once treatment's done, it will be back to living my life as a "soon to be" 23 year old. Work, dating, marriage, kids, growing up even more is what comes next in life. And THAT scared me. It still kinda scares me. Change whether positive or negative can be a scary thing. It disrupts our routines.
So, I slightly panicked. I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't want to make room in my heart for anything new. I didn't want to deal with the positve stress of life changing. I decided that I only had room for one thing, and that was JUST the cancer. So, I shut people out, I became "selfish" temporarily. I spent every free moment wasting time, distracting myself, I didn't want to think about anything anymore. My mentality was, I had been through so much pain the past few years, especially the past few months physically, that I didn't want any disappointment, rejection, hurt, affliction. (That is a very prideful, selfish thought, part of being in this mortal existence, we are supposed to go through those motions, by avoiding that and feeling the way I was feeling, I was basically disregarding everything the Savior did for me.)I felt so bad when I realized that. It wasn't in my nature to feel the way I was feeling.
I thought about this today actually, I went to one of my favorite thinking spots. It's a big open field close to the airport. (ask me, I'll show you sometime) The road is always silent, there are very few cars that drive by it. If you stand at the top of the slight hill, you can see land and trees for miles and miles. It is so beautiful, so quiet. While I was there just thinking, I thought about my interactions with everyone in my circle, thought about my actions, and I had an "enlightening" moment. I didn't realize that I had hurt some of the people around me, until one of them made a comment. I am grateful they brought it up to me, in my mind I knew what I was doing, I wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt the ones I care about, I was only thinking of myself, I didn't think my actions affected those around me. Stupid thought I know. I felt so bad, but that is what is amazing about being alive, about the Atonement. We are able to make changes, move forward, and know that there are so many people who love and care.
After realizing all of this, I felt so much better. I've decided to change my ways of thinking. I decided to move forward, be happy, and love everyone around me. To put my entire trust in the Lord, embrace my upcoming "normal" life again and to not forget what is most important.
I love you my dear friends, my dear family. I am so thankful for each and everyone of you. Grateful to those whom have been by my side no matter how difficult, confusing, emotional I have been. Grateful for the prayers, fasting, positive thoughts, listening ears, compassion, and love that they have shown me. Life is not easy, it's not supposed to be. But, it is worth it, and the people in our lives are also worth it.
I have been doing so much thinking these past few weeks. Past few days even. So much has changed. So much is different. I realized for a while (this past month) I had been cold and distant. I was angry, I shut people out of my life temporarily. I had sarcastic responses for everything. I was short with those closest to me. I said things I didn't mean. I spent ALL my time distracting myself from life. I spent every free moment of mine with people. I spent every moment doing something to keep myself from thinking. Now that I am almost done with treatment, I knew that life would be returning to normal soon. Meaning, instead of focusing mainly on beating cancer, I would have to start thinking about my future again. Once treatment's done, it will be back to living my life as a "soon to be" 23 year old. Work, dating, marriage, kids, growing up even more is what comes next in life. And THAT scared me. It still kinda scares me. Change whether positive or negative can be a scary thing. It disrupts our routines.
So, I slightly panicked. I didn't even want to think about it. I didn't want to make room in my heart for anything new. I didn't want to deal with the positve stress of life changing. I decided that I only had room for one thing, and that was JUST the cancer. So, I shut people out, I became "selfish" temporarily. I spent every free moment wasting time, distracting myself, I didn't want to think about anything anymore. My mentality was, I had been through so much pain the past few years, especially the past few months physically, that I didn't want any disappointment, rejection, hurt, affliction. (That is a very prideful, selfish thought, part of being in this mortal existence, we are supposed to go through those motions, by avoiding that and feeling the way I was feeling, I was basically disregarding everything the Savior did for me.)I felt so bad when I realized that. It wasn't in my nature to feel the way I was feeling.
I thought about this today actually, I went to one of my favorite thinking spots. It's a big open field close to the airport. (ask me, I'll show you sometime) The road is always silent, there are very few cars that drive by it. If you stand at the top of the slight hill, you can see land and trees for miles and miles. It is so beautiful, so quiet. While I was there just thinking, I thought about my interactions with everyone in my circle, thought about my actions, and I had an "enlightening" moment. I didn't realize that I had hurt some of the people around me, until one of them made a comment. I am grateful they brought it up to me, in my mind I knew what I was doing, I wasn't doing it to intentionally hurt the ones I care about, I was only thinking of myself, I didn't think my actions affected those around me. Stupid thought I know. I felt so bad, but that is what is amazing about being alive, about the Atonement. We are able to make changes, move forward, and know that there are so many people who love and care.
After realizing all of this, I felt so much better. I've decided to change my ways of thinking. I decided to move forward, be happy, and love everyone around me. To put my entire trust in the Lord, embrace my upcoming "normal" life again and to not forget what is most important.
I love you my dear friends, my dear family. I am so thankful for each and everyone of you. Grateful to those whom have been by my side no matter how difficult, confusing, emotional I have been. Grateful for the prayers, fasting, positive thoughts, listening ears, compassion, and love that they have shown me. Life is not easy, it's not supposed to be. But, it is worth it, and the people in our lives are also worth it.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Jesus Christ
I just want to express my love for the Savior Jesus Christ. He is real. He lives. I have felt his healing power in my life so much. Last night I was reading in the March 2008 Ensign (the whole magazine testifies of Jesus Christ) I was reading President Gordon B. Hinkley's testimony of him. As I turned the page, this picture was above the writing. At first I payed little attention to it because I was so focused on the words, but as I looked at it, I felt something.
This is the photo I saw. You can see the power in Christ's eyes as he is casting Satan away. I can't really explain all the words that come to my mind as I look at this. I just love it. It's such a different portrayal of the Savior, but, in it, it (to me) shows how Christ has the power to heal us, to help us, to help us overcome sin, to help us with anything. He fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, he endured the temptations of Satan, he bled from every pore in the Gethsemane and died on the cross, he was resurrected and he lives. He did this for us, because he loves us. He began a public ministry, teaching all the people about him and his Father, our Heavenly Father. He taught, healed, and blessed many people in his time on this earth, and he continues to do so with each and everyone of us. He knows us all by name. He gave us the best gift there is, the gift of eternal life, because of this, we have the opportunity to live with him again and to be happy. He is Almighty, He loves us so much, He has felt every single emotion we have felt or will even feel. He is our Brother, our Friend. I have been able to take the time to really get to know him and can't imagine my life without him it.
Our lives with Christ are full of happiness, we are able to weather ANY storm we are faced with. Without him, our lives are like a desert with barren water. I have felt both, and I can testify that having Christ in my life 100% has made so much of a difference. I know that my life has more meaning to it.
This is the photo I saw. You can see the power in Christ's eyes as he is casting Satan away. I can't really explain all the words that come to my mind as I look at this. I just love it. It's such a different portrayal of the Savior, but, in it, it (to me) shows how Christ has the power to heal us, to help us, to help us overcome sin, to help us with anything. He fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, he endured the temptations of Satan, he bled from every pore in the Gethsemane and died on the cross, he was resurrected and he lives. He did this for us, because he loves us. He began a public ministry, teaching all the people about him and his Father, our Heavenly Father. He taught, healed, and blessed many people in his time on this earth, and he continues to do so with each and everyone of us. He knows us all by name. He gave us the best gift there is, the gift of eternal life, because of this, we have the opportunity to live with him again and to be happy. He is Almighty, He loves us so much, He has felt every single emotion we have felt or will even feel. He is our Brother, our Friend. I have been able to take the time to really get to know him and can't imagine my life without him it.
Our lives with Christ are full of happiness, we are able to weather ANY storm we are faced with. Without him, our lives are like a desert with barren water. I have felt both, and I can testify that having Christ in my life 100% has made so much of a difference. I know that my life has more meaning to it.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Days 4 - 9
I'm way behind.. I believe this is possibly Day 9 now.. so here are the past few days
Day 04 – A picture of your night
hmmm.. well, last night I didn't take any pictures, BUT I spent the first half of my evening with Savannah!
And the last portion I spent it with some of my other favorite people... the guys who got me through the beginning of this trial.. Morgan and Noah, as well as a few other people.. I just don't have a photo of EVERYONE.
But, here is what occupied our evening for a brief moment... FRANCK!! aka.. Martin Short
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
hmmm... I don't know if I can think of just one favorite memory.. But, I would say some of my favorite memories are from the summer of 2008... Times were fun then :)
Adventures at Walmart
Jack Johnson Concert
I have more pics.. but, my computer wouldn't let me upload them.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Lauren Graham... I just love her!
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Hmm... Most Treasured Item.. I'm not sure if I have an actual "treasured" item.... I would say my journal.. I write everything in it, it's almost better than a best friend.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Well, this one wins... Kristina, remember this?
How Many People can you fit in the Baby Pic Predictor??
Coolest Halloween Party Ever.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Karen - We have been through so much together, we met back in Highschool and have been "sisters" ever since! Love her Tons!
Alyssa - We met at the PERFECT time! So many memories! love her lots!
Also, My Parents have gotten me through pretty much EVERYTHING in my life. I love them so much, Love their example, the sacrifices they make and everything. The deserve recognition! I just don't have a current photo.
Day 04 – A picture of your night
hmmm.. well, last night I didn't take any pictures, BUT I spent the first half of my evening with Savannah!
And the last portion I spent it with some of my other favorite people... the guys who got me through the beginning of this trial.. Morgan and Noah, as well as a few other people.. I just don't have a photo of EVERYONE.
But, here is what occupied our evening for a brief moment... FRANCK!! aka.. Martin Short
Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.
hmmm... I don't know if I can think of just one favorite memory.. But, I would say some of my favorite memories are from the summer of 2008... Times were fun then :)
Adventures at Walmart
Jack Johnson Concert
I have more pics.. but, my computer wouldn't let me upload them.
Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.
Lauren Graham... I just love her!
Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.
Hmm... Most Treasured Item.. I'm not sure if I have an actual "treasured" item.... I would say my journal.. I write everything in it, it's almost better than a best friend.
Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.
Well, this one wins... Kristina, remember this?
How Many People can you fit in the Baby Pic Predictor??
Coolest Halloween Party Ever.
Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.
Karen - We have been through so much together, we met back in Highschool and have been "sisters" ever since! Love her Tons!
Alyssa - We met at the PERFECT time! So many memories! love her lots!
Also, My Parents have gotten me through pretty much EVERYTHING in my life. I love them so much, Love their example, the sacrifices they make and everything. The deserve recognition! I just don't have a current photo.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Proud to be a Daughter of God
Tomorrow marks my 8th round of chemo. Originally, I would be stressed and bitter about making the 4 hour drive down to Tulsa. But, I feel humble to say that my heart has been softened immensely. Today started early, I woke up early, and we left early, meaning we got to Tulsa early. Usually, I would go to my church meetings late in the afternoon, and be on the road by 5 or 6. We ended up getting to Tulsa by 5 or 6. At first, I wasn't too happy about the idea, but, I began to feel grateful because we drove with daylight. I was able to see the beautiful countryside, which on the way home I would be too sick or tired to notice. I mainly saw gray and brown.. but, every so often I would see bits of green grass growing. It made me happy to see that. To see new life, to know that Spring is almost here.
I started off my morning by watching the BYU channel, I love the show "Music and the Spoken Word". It was so beautiful and peaceful to hear the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
I then began reading the book that has now changed my life. A book my dear Aunt Bonnie had written. "Proud to be a Daughter of God" is the title. Aunt Bonnie was in a terrible car accident back in 1981. Every bone in her body was broken, and she faced many grueling surgeries and physical therapy sessions. Her body recovered much quicker than doctors had anticipated, but the process was dark, painful, and scary. Reading the words of my Aunt Bonnie brought tears to my eyes. There were a few times where I had to set the book down. It was beautiful and sad. Even though our journeys were different, I still felt like I connected with her, and I felt peace knowing all the emotions I have felt have been felt by others before too. I have many heroes in my life, and Aunt Bonnie is one of them. I met her once when I was 8, and thanks to modern technology I have been able to reconnect with her and many of my family members out in Wyoming. Which I am so grateful for.
I spent the last few weeks angry, bitter, sad. I felt sorry for myself at times and wanted so badly to give up. Aunt Bonnie wrote how she felt the same way. But, reading her book really changed my entire perspective. She talked about how if we were to give up when life seems to be unbearable, or impossible, it would make it as if Christ suffered and died for us in vain. Which is not true at all, he loved us so much that he endured every pain in the world. And it is up to us to endure adversity in this lifetime. I had never thought of that before. But, it is so true. I am so grateful for that. So grateful for her faith and endurance.
I am grateful for the dark moments I have had during this journey, because they have taught me to really TRUST in the Lord, and have made me appreciate and love him so much more than I could possibly imagine. I am so grateful that this chapter of my life is almost done. If tomorrow is my official last round of chemo I will be so happy. But, I have also accepted the fact that 4 more rounds may be a possibility which will make it 12 rounds of chemo total. Either way, I have come to realize that the Lord is with me. I have been able to truly come to know him so much better than I ever have in my life.
I am still so grateful for everyone who has been by my side through this journey. Some of you have been there by reading my blog and sharing words of love with me. Some of you have talked to me and just listened to me while I shared my fears and my experiences. Some of you have just been by my side when I needed a friend or made me smile when I was down. MANY of you have kept me in your prayers. I feel so blessed for that.
Now, I just want to say, that I am Proud to be a Daughter of God.
I am so thankful for this experience, I feel like I have grown so much, but I know I still have so much growth and so much to learn. I know that life is full of adversity and it is how we handle it that matters most. The Lord has a plan for each and every one of you. It may be hard to see that at times, but he does. He knows each of you by name. He knows the desires of your hearts, he knows what you need, he knows what will help you. He is real. I have come to learn that time and time again.
I started off my morning by watching the BYU channel, I love the show "Music and the Spoken Word". It was so beautiful and peaceful to hear the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
I then began reading the book that has now changed my life. A book my dear Aunt Bonnie had written. "Proud to be a Daughter of God" is the title. Aunt Bonnie was in a terrible car accident back in 1981. Every bone in her body was broken, and she faced many grueling surgeries and physical therapy sessions. Her body recovered much quicker than doctors had anticipated, but the process was dark, painful, and scary. Reading the words of my Aunt Bonnie brought tears to my eyes. There were a few times where I had to set the book down. It was beautiful and sad. Even though our journeys were different, I still felt like I connected with her, and I felt peace knowing all the emotions I have felt have been felt by others before too. I have many heroes in my life, and Aunt Bonnie is one of them. I met her once when I was 8, and thanks to modern technology I have been able to reconnect with her and many of my family members out in Wyoming. Which I am so grateful for.
I spent the last few weeks angry, bitter, sad. I felt sorry for myself at times and wanted so badly to give up. Aunt Bonnie wrote how she felt the same way. But, reading her book really changed my entire perspective. She talked about how if we were to give up when life seems to be unbearable, or impossible, it would make it as if Christ suffered and died for us in vain. Which is not true at all, he loved us so much that he endured every pain in the world. And it is up to us to endure adversity in this lifetime. I had never thought of that before. But, it is so true. I am so grateful for that. So grateful for her faith and endurance.
I am grateful for the dark moments I have had during this journey, because they have taught me to really TRUST in the Lord, and have made me appreciate and love him so much more than I could possibly imagine. I am so grateful that this chapter of my life is almost done. If tomorrow is my official last round of chemo I will be so happy. But, I have also accepted the fact that 4 more rounds may be a possibility which will make it 12 rounds of chemo total. Either way, I have come to realize that the Lord is with me. I have been able to truly come to know him so much better than I ever have in my life.
I am still so grateful for everyone who has been by my side through this journey. Some of you have been there by reading my blog and sharing words of love with me. Some of you have talked to me and just listened to me while I shared my fears and my experiences. Some of you have just been by my side when I needed a friend or made me smile when I was down. MANY of you have kept me in your prayers. I feel so blessed for that.
Now, I just want to say, that I am Proud to be a Daughter of God.
I am so thankful for this experience, I feel like I have grown so much, but I know I still have so much growth and so much to learn. I know that life is full of adversity and it is how we handle it that matters most. The Lord has a plan for each and every one of you. It may be hard to see that at times, but he does. He knows each of you by name. He knows the desires of your hearts, he knows what you need, he knows what will help you. He is real. I have come to learn that time and time again.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Day 2 and Day 3
So, I am behind... here is Day 2 and Day 3
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.?
Well, there are many people whom I love and adore, and have been close to for a long long time. But, the 2 who have seen me at my strongest, weakest, happiest, saddest, would be Karen Daugherty and Alyssa Evans...
Karen!
Alyssa!
Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.?
Hmm... I don't know if I can just pick one show.. I love so many.. but right now It's a toss up between Parenthood and Modern Family
Parenthood
Modern Family
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.?
Well, there are many people whom I love and adore, and have been close to for a long long time. But, the 2 who have seen me at my strongest, weakest, happiest, saddest, would be Karen Daugherty and Alyssa Evans...
Karen!
Alyssa!
Day 3 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.?
Hmm... I don't know if I can just pick one show.. I love so many.. but right now It's a toss up between Parenthood and Modern Family
Parenthood
Modern Family
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