Proud to be a Daughter of God

Tomorrow marks my 8th round of chemo. Originally, I would be stressed and bitter about making the 4 hour drive down to Tulsa. But, I feel humble to say that my heart has been softened immensely. Today started early, I woke up early, and we left early, meaning we got to Tulsa early. Usually, I would go to my church meetings late in the afternoon, and be on the road by 5 or 6. We ended up getting to Tulsa by 5 or 6. At first, I wasn't too happy about the idea, but, I began to feel grateful because we drove with daylight. I was able to see the beautiful countryside, which on the way home I would be too sick or tired to notice. I mainly saw gray and brown.. but, every so often I would see bits of green grass growing. It made me happy to see that. To see new life, to know that Spring is almost here.

I started off my morning by watching the BYU channel, I love the show "Music and the Spoken Word". It was so beautiful and peaceful to hear the music of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

I then began reading the book that has now changed my life. A book my dear Aunt Bonnie had written. "Proud to be a Daughter of God" is the title. Aunt Bonnie was in a terrible car accident back in 1981. Every bone in her body was broken, and she faced many grueling surgeries and physical therapy sessions. Her body recovered much quicker than doctors had anticipated, but the process was dark, painful, and scary. Reading the words of my Aunt Bonnie brought tears to my eyes. There were a few times where I had to set the book down. It was beautiful and sad. Even though our journeys were different, I still felt like I connected with her, and I felt peace knowing all the emotions I have felt have been felt by others before too. I have many heroes in my life, and Aunt Bonnie is one of them. I met her once when I was 8, and thanks to modern technology I have been able to reconnect with her and many of my family members out in Wyoming. Which I am so grateful for.

I spent the last few weeks angry, bitter, sad. I felt sorry for myself at times and wanted so badly to give up. Aunt Bonnie wrote how she felt the same way. But, reading her book really changed my entire perspective. She talked about how if we were to give up when life seems to be unbearable, or impossible, it would make it as if Christ suffered and died for us in vain. Which is not true at all, he loved us so much that he endured every pain in the world. And it is up to us to endure adversity in this lifetime. I had never thought of that before. But, it is so true. I am so grateful for that. So grateful for her faith and endurance.

I am grateful for the dark moments I have had during this journey, because they have taught me to really TRUST in the Lord, and have made me appreciate and love him so much more than I could possibly imagine. I am so grateful that this chapter of my life is almost done. If tomorrow is my official last round of chemo I will be so happy. But, I have also accepted the fact that 4 more rounds may be a possibility which will make it 12 rounds of chemo total. Either way, I have come to realize that the Lord is with me. I have been able to truly come to know him so much better than I ever have in my life.

I am still so grateful for everyone who has been by my side through this journey. Some of you have been there by reading my blog and sharing words of love with me. Some of you have talked to me and just listened to me while I shared my fears and my experiences. Some of you have just been by my side when I needed a friend or made me smile when I was down. MANY of you have kept me in your prayers. I feel so blessed for that.

Now, I just want to say, that I am Proud to be a Daughter of God.

I am so thankful for this experience, I feel like I have grown so much, but I know I still have so much growth and so much to learn. I know that life is full of adversity and it is how we handle it that matters most. The Lord has a plan for each and every one of you. It may be hard to see that at times, but he does. He knows each of you by name. He knows the desires of your hearts, he knows what you need, he knows what will help you. He is real. I have come to learn that time and time again.