Life

Soooo after months and months, I have finally stopped wearing wigs.

At first, I wasn't too thrilled about it, I felt insecure and awkward. But, after reassurance from friends and family, I stopped caring what other people would think and just went for it.

The first few days, I let everyone know how insecure and uncomfortable it was, but then, somehow moved past it.

Now, I like it, I won't say LOVE it, but I like it. It's nice to feel the wind on my head. It's nice not having to worry if my wig is on straight or if the wind is going to blow it off.


Back in December, I shaved it (which many of you know). The chemo started taking its toll and its last victim to be affected was my hair. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I had gone up to the temple with a few friends and on the car ride home it was falling out in chunks. I would barely touch it and many pieces would fall out. I was sad, sick and over it.

So, once we returned to Platte City, I called my dear friend Kate whom is a very talented photgrapher, I wanted her to help me document my journey. So, we started with the shaving of my head.

http://www.katefeiderphotography.com/

I was worried about doing it. I didn't want people to think I was like Britney Spears or something. Which, I knew I wasn't anywhere close to that, but I still was worried about the new step I was taking. I realized though, that it was part of the journey I was supposed to take.

Kate did a beautiful job at capturing this emotional/humbling moment for me.

While we were doing this, there was a knock at the bathroom door, her little girl Brooklyn, walked in. I was worried that she would be frightened by what we were doing, but Brooklyn was brave. She actually helped me do it.

Once we were finished, I felt empowered. I had just faced one of my biggest fears up to that point.



*Kate told me she was "checking the settings" on her camera, little did I know she was actually photographing me. I like this picture because you can see the mixed emotion. It reminds me that this was real, but it also reminds me of how merciful the Lord is. He spared my life, he opened my eyes to greater things. And I wouldn't trade that experience and wisdom for anything.


* I started cutting my hair first just so it would be easier when I started using the clippers on it. With every snip of the scissors, I felt a sense of control. I wasn't able to control the cancer, I wasn't able to control the chemo, but I was able to control my sense of self and take control of the situation before the chemo took the rest of my hair away.



* I love how Kate captured this one.








*My new helper/friend. She was so sweet and kind the whole time.






~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much.
The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had.


Untitled

"Your life can change in a moment
I've heard that time and time again
But I had no idea what that meant
Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend

A Friend? It's such a kind label
One may wonder why it could be considered such
But, for me it has helped me to grow
And to cherish this life so much

I'll always remember that phone call
The day my life drastically changed.
The words, the emotions, the fear
Made my life become deranged.

I didn't have all the answers
Didn't know what would lie ahead.
I didn't know if I was going to make it.
Or if I would end up dead.

My support system instantly manifested.
'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say.
But their loving words, their kindness
Didn't seem to take the pain away.

I'll never forget that Thursday
I'll never forget the tears.
I collapsed, crumpled on the floor
A few minutes felt like many years.

I thought of my future, my husband, my family.
Would I meet them in this lifetime?
Would they be able to know me?

I thought of my parents,
And how this friend would hurt them so.
How do I introduce them,
to a thing they would NEVER wish to know?

This journey has taught me to be Thankful,
To realize how blessed I truly am.
So I'm thankful for EVERY single day,
Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb.

I'm Thankful for the pain,
That I felt every single Night.
The way my body and my spirit
Naturally decided to Fight.

I'm Thankful for the clippers,
Which took away my hair.
It taught me to feel EMPOWERED,
Rather than feel despair.

I'm Thankful for the Chemo
That beat my body down.
For I know that it's purpose,
Was to run the Villan out of the Town.

I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights,
Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt
Because I was able to rely on the Father,
It taught me to reach out.

I traded in my Vanity
For scars that cover my Body.
They will be there everyday,
But, I won't let them haunt Me.

The marks that cover my hands
The port inside my chest
Will constantly be a reminder
Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest.

My wig, though it's a hassle
I take it every where I go
It allows me to feel "NORMAL"
While I am dealing with the Foe.

I called this cancer my friend
It has literally changed who I am.
It has left it's mark,
It has become my #1 fan.

It wants to be with me forever.
It wants my body to be it's home.
But, I refuse to let it.
I won't let this Stranger roam.

A stranger, a foe, a friend
So many names I've called it
It's all of those, I can't just pick one
One name just doesn't seem to fit.

I know that once this trial is over
A new one will arise.
But, I know how to face my fears now,
I am able to look them straight in the eyes.

I testify that Christ is real.
He has been with me along the way.
He continues to love and bless Me
Each and Every Single Day.

You never know how strong you are
When things go out of your control.
You have to let go, You have to have Faith
And allow Christ to play his role.

I'll always remember that Thursday
The day my life drastically changed.
I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior,
From me he will NEVER be estranged."