3 years

~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much. The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had. Untitled "Your life can change in a moment I've heard that time and time again But I had no idea what that meant Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend A Friend? It's such a kind label One may wonder why it could be considered such But, for me it has helped me to grow And to cherish this life so much I'll always remember that phone call The day my life drastically changed. The words, the emotions, the fear Made my life become deranged. I didn't have all the answers Didn't know what would lie ahead. I didn't know if I was going to make it. Or if I would end up dead. My support system instantly manifested. 'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say. But their loving words, their kindness Didn't seem to take the pain away. I'll never forget that Thursday I'll never forget the tears. I collapsed, crumpled on the floor A few minutes felt like many years. I thought of my future, my husband, my family. Would I meet them in this lifetime? Would they be able to know me? I thought of my parents, And how this friend would hurt them so. How do I introduce them, to a thing they would NEVER wish to know? This journey has taught me to be Thankful, To realize how blessed I truly am. So I'm thankful for EVERY single day, Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb. I'm Thankful for the pain, That I felt every single Night. The way my body and my spirit Naturally decided to Fight. I'm Thankful for the clippers, Which took away my hair. It taught me to feel EMPOWERED, Rather than feel despair. I'm Thankful for the Chemo That beat my body down. For I know that it's purpose, Was to run the Villan out of the Town. I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights, Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt Because I was able to rely on the Father, It taught me to reach out. I traded in my Vanity For scars that cover my Body. They will be there everyday, But, I won't let them haunt Me. The marks that cover my hands The port inside my chest Will constantly be a reminder Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest. My wig, though it's a hassle I take it every where I go It allows me to feel "NORMAL" While I am dealing with the Foe. I called this cancer my friend It has literally changed who I am. It has left it's mark, It has become my #1 fan. It wants to be with me forever. It wants my body to be it's home. But, I refuse to let it. I won't let this Stranger roam. A stranger, a foe, a friend So many names I've called it It's all of those, I can't just pick one One name just doesn't seem to fit. I know that once this trial is over A new one will arise. But, I know how to face my fears now, I am able to look them straight in the eyes. I testify that Christ is real. He has been with me along the way. He continues to love and bless Me Each and Every Single Day. You never know how strong you are When things go out of your control. You have to let go, You have to have Faith And allow Christ to play his role. I'll always remember that Thursday The day my life drastically changed. I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior, From me he will NEVER be estranged."

October 14, 2010

It has certainly been quite some time (almost a year and a half), since I have writen on my blog. Tomorrow, October 14,2013 is the 3 year anniversary since I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Gosh, it's hard for me to think back to that moment, so many emotions were felt. It is certainly a day I will never, ever, forget. Thursday October 14, 2013. I was 22 years old. I had had surgery a few days prior, they took out part of a tumor from my neck, to biopsy it and make sure it wasn't cancer. 2 days after the surgery, I went back to work. Being in the salon, doing what I love, helped me so much during that time. It helped me to escape my worries of the unknown. It was a Thursday. I went to the salon, waiting for the doctor to figure out what the mass in my neck was. I kept my phone close to my side. I was in the middle of a men's haircut when the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I only knew it must have meant one thing. I excused myself and went into the bathroom (the quietest place in the salon) and answered. The voice on the other line was a familiar one. It was the doctor who had performed the surgery. Keep in mind, a few weeks prior to this, the doctors were almost 95% sure that the tumor was In fact malignant. He spoke to me, letting me know how the surgery went and what the biopsy results were. I felt sick to my stomach. The tone in his voice wasn't that of a doctor speaking to a patient. It was almost as if it were a friend, bearing devastating news. He said those dreaded words, "You have cancer". I remained calm. I politely thanked him for calling me and we said our farewells. In that instant, I literally collapsed on the floor, into a ball and began sobbing and sobbing. I don't think I had cried like that in years. After a few minutes, I composed myself, wiped my tears away, and I knew I had to face the world. The girls at the salon knew, without me even saying a word, what the results were. They all began to give me hugs as the tears poured out. I remember sitting in a chair and all I a sudden my boss, mentor, and friend, came back and held me in her arms as I cried uncontrollably. She kept telling me that she loved me and that "we would get through this". I drove home that day. I knew my parents were out on a date. It had been some time since they went because they were consumed by the stress of my health issues. I didn't want to call them and give them the awful news. I wanted them to have an evening of joy, before I destroyed their world. I called many different people on my way home. I can't quite recall whom I called, in what order. But I remember, not being able to get a hold of anyone. I ended up calling my childhood best friend/brother Morgan. He had been one of the few people whom had known the possibility for cancer was high. Getting the words out were just the beginning of the many hard things I would have to say in the next year. I got home, and I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I went home and told my Aunt and cousins, they live next door to my parents. I went over there and shared the news with tears in my eyes. I was finally able to share the news with my wonderful parents. The worst feeling in the world is not so much receiving a possible death sentence, but, was telling my loved ones what was going on, and seeing their hearts literally break right in front of me. I ended up sending out a mass text to my close friends... I knew I needed to tell everyone in my life. They needed to know what was going on, just incase I didn't make it. They will all tell you how casual I made the text. Haha I didn't want to startle them. I believe the text went something like this.. "Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know, the docs found a mass in my neck and chest, it's cancer. But, I'm sure I'll be fine! I love you!" I mean, how else do you tell your friends and loved ones that your body is consumed by a deadly disease, without causing them to panic. I mean, I knew they would figure it out anyway, if I didn't tell them. He bald head and sickly body would for sure give it away. The next few days after my diagnosis were a whirlwind. I met so many people who were such a wonderful support to me. I met a few cancer warriors whom had been through what I was going through, except their stories and fights are more incredible than mine. Lori Lober, Jackie Malena, and Jessica Airington, your guys strength and courage let me know that I could also beat this. We met with different doctors through out the Kansas City area. But, we didn't have much luck. Finally, after much research, prayer, and patience, my dad saw a commercial for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We made the phone call, and were able to get an appointment for me to meet with their highly trained team of cancer specialists. The closest location to me at the time was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, it was mid October, my favorite month. There was no way I was going to be on deaths door from chemotherapy during my favorite month. I decided that November 1,2010 would be the day we could make the 4 hour drive to meet my doctors. Eventually, we had a plan set up on how to fight the disease. I felt peaceful. Little did I know/understand/comprehend the upcoming days, nights, weeks, months, and even few years of pure Hell and darkness that awaited me. Through the journey, I was able to feel the healing powers of Christ and his Atonement. The healing powered of the priesthood, faith, fasting, and prayers from many people across the world, and a positive attitude, are truly what saved my life in the end. The safety of the gospel, temple, my family and loved ones gave me much comfort. I am thankful that it's been 3 years since that awful day. I am thankful I kept fighting. I continued to live my life as normal as possible. Only a small handful of my clients knew what I was going through. I continued working at the salon the entire time I was sick. I would receive 8 hours of chemotherapy on a Monday, drive home the next day, and return to work that Wednesday. Work is what kept me from freaking out. I was able to feel like a "normal, healthy" Individual. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

We have to taste the bitter, in order to enjoy the sweet.

Dang, it has certainly been a while. Life has been crazy the past month and a half. It's been good overall, I've had a few aha moments, made a few new friends, and caught up with old friends. The past week and a half, my heart has been so full. I had a few bumps along the way leading up to this point, but, they have taught me so much. You know, it's funny, my life is finally back to what one would consider as "normal". I'm cancer free, no more surgeries, scans, (actually, not quite), but, no more medicine, chemo, hair loss, sickness. I'm back in the real world. The life of a young single adult again. Which means, dating, relationships, friendships, independence, etc. Before cancer, if one of those things that i listed above, did not go the way I had planned, it would have literally crushed me. I would have thought it was the end of the world, I would have sat around dwelled, cried, moped, and become depressed for a long period of time. But now, when those things don't go the way I planned, or if someone hurts me, or if I go through a breakup, or lose a friend, or have any sort of adversity, yeah, it's sad, and yeah I'm human so i feel those emotions. But, I am able to take a step back and tell myself, that having cancer was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Probably one of the hardest things anyone could go through. Literally being close to deaths door, not knowing if you are going to live to be 100 or survive, but, having to be on chemo for the rest of your life, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, it changes you. It changes the way you think, feel, your viewpoint on life. Waking up everyday, feeling the toll on my body from the abuse of the chemotherapy and radiation. Feeling the tightness and aches in my chest from where they cut through the bone to remove a tennis ball sized tumor, not quite 6 months ago. SEeing the scars along my chest, abdomen, hands, and arms from all the cutting, poking, and proding the doctors had to do in order to save my life. Those all remind me that life really isn't as bad as it may seem in the moment. Sometimes, it's not going to go the way we plan, people are going to leave us, hurt us, we are going to have mean customers at work or someone may make us mad, a friend may betray us, we may lose a loved one, lose a job, move to a different city or state, It's a part of life. We have to go through trials, whether big or small. We have to taste the bitter in order to enjoy and be blessed with the sweet. But, we have to remember that life is not always as bad as it may seem. I've thought about the this past week. I've been able to use my cancer journey as a learning experience. It has helped to be able to be strong with who am. It's touched my life, have met so many amazing and beautiful people from it. I am thankful for it because it has saved me from my old emotional habits of allowing another persons actions to affect me long term. Now, am not saying that I dont feel anything when somethindg bad or sad happens, I do. I am just able to move forward quicker, and heal faster because I change my thought pattern. It's not easy, and it takes a conscious effort, but the lord has truly helped me. I was sitting at church today, in the congregation, and I saw all the families sitting there with their children, I felt so much peace. That is the true purpose in this life, to become families, to bring children into this world and to return back to our father in heaven. Its such a beautiful thing. And I look forward to the day when I am able to bring my own children into this world as well. Maybe not tomorrow, but I know someday I will be able to and I know that they will teach me so much. I am gratful to be alive. I am grateful for the blessings I have.

Lisa Grace

I have been blessed greatly.

I think back constantly to a beautiful conversation that I had with my dear friend Lisa, a few months ago. She lives out in Utah, we met over the phone actually through my other dear friend Kelly, while I was going through chemo. We both have a special connection to cancer, which instantly created a bond that is unbreakable. Lisa and I met officially in person last summer, and spent the afternoon in the Draper, Utah temple. And then drove around through the mountains talking about everything.


Lisa and I spoke on the phone a few months ago. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out. She told me that she was going to pray for specific blessings for me in my life, and was going to pray for me to be blessed and have continued strength. She also challenged me to pray continually to Heavenly Father to help myself restrengthen my relationship with him. I hadn't lost it, but I had forgotten how to pray and ask for things, whether it was help or guidance.


Lisa, I have to say, you are one of my guardian angels. I have felt the love of your prayers and the blessings of them. I see them every single day, and not a day goes by that I don't notice that. I am forever grateful for you and the wonderful sistership we share.

You are beautiful, and I am also so happy for the wonderful blessings in your life. I look forward to many more memories we will create and also look forward to finally meeting that new hubby of yours! You are special, I know it, your hubby knows, the people who are surrounded by you know it and of course, our Father in Heaven knows it too.


I love you so much.

Thank you.

Dear Best Friend,

I love you more than anything. We have been through so much together. We've seen each other cry, heard each other laugh, and done plenty of crazy things together. We've shared our inner most thoughts and secrets with each other, knowing that no judgement would ever follow. We have supported each others life decisions, whether we agreed with them or not.

We can go days, weeks, even months without seeing each other or even speaking, but as soon as we reconnect, we just pick up where we left off.

You have been there for me during my struggles, you always reminded me how much you love, admire and appreciate me. I just want you to know, that hasn't ever gone unnoticed. And I will be there for you during your time of need.

I look back fondly on all of our adventures together. We have done some pretty amazing things together, and even separately in our own lives. I know the Lord put us in each others paths for a reason. And I am forever grateful for that.

Always remember how beautiful you are. How important to me you are. I consider you a part of my family. I am proud of you, of the amazing person you have become. It's crazy to think, we were mere children when we met, children who thought they knew everything. It's funny, we really had no idea, huh? That's the wonderful thing about growing up.

I love you, I think of you every single day. I thank the Lord for you on a daily basis as well. Remember, the world is a much happier place with you in it. Keep on shining and inspiring people. Even if you have days where you don't feel like you are special, remember that you are special to me, to your family and to our Heavenly Father.

I look forward to more fun adventures, to new life experiences that I can share with you! Thank you for being my rock, my mentor, my friend. I love you.


Love, Lauren or as you call me "LC"

I love this.



I hope that everyone can reach this point, it's not easy, but it is possible. :).


And once you get there, you will feel a sense of freedom, you forgot possible.

Kia Kaha

I was getting dressed this morning and as I looked in the mirror and saw the scars that cover my chest and abdomen, I was overcome with emotion. For the first time in a while,I felt a sense of empowerment. I saw all of my scars (the old and the new) as something to treasure. They are what set me apart. They define my character, they have contributed to the person I have become. I am proud of the person I am. I couldn't say that 2 years ago. But, now i can.

The past year has been "the year" marker for different things. I can wake up each day and remember exactly where I was a year ago. Whether i was in surgery, receiving chemo, losing my hair, feeling like death was next to me. I remember those emotional drives down to Tulsa. I would literally hold back tears the entire drive. I didn't want my family to see my pain, my fear, my dread. I am sure they knew. I was a cold person. I rarely spoke the entire time we were down there. Whenever I was hooked up to the chemo machine, I would get up out of my chair and push my giant IV into the bathroom with me, collapse on the floor and cry. That was the only time I could be alone, to compose my thoughts. I would cry and pray, I would tell God that I understood the journey I was on was necessary, but I would plead with him that it would be over with soon. I'm sure it wasn't fair for me to ask him that. We shouldn't ask him to take away our trials. They are given to us for a reason.

This past Holiday season was wonderful. I wasn't looking forward to it in the beginning. It was going to be a reminder to me of how sick I was last year, of the "dark" place I was in. I honestly didn't think I would see another holiday season from a "healthy" standpoint.

I did. I saw the holidays from a "healthy" standpoint. God blessed me, he softened my heart.

The end of 2011 was blissful. I was able to spend all my time with old friends, friends I had forgotten about. It was wonderful. I was able to spend time with my family, with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was amazing. I felt so much unconditional love for all of them. I've been able to recognize the people in my life who truly love and appreciate me. Some I knew were always there, and others I hadn't even realized were there. That is the real treasure in life. The friends who are in our lives, who sacrifice their time to serve, to lift and to just be a friend. My spirits were lifted so much this past week.

So far, 2012 has been wonderful. No chemo and no wigs are a plus. But, I've been able to live in the moment again. I've released myself from all the negative feelings from the past year. Whether they were from being sick, from people who let me down, or residual emotions from the shock and trauma of all that has happened. I've allowed myself to be happy.

I look forward to a new year. I know that no matter what happens, I will be able to get through. I will be able to be happy. I have faced my worst fears, some of them I have faced multiple times, others I have faced once. I am grateful for the journey I have been on. Thankful for my scars. I used to see them as ugly, I used to resent them, I would try to conceal them. But they are beautiful to me. I love them and they will remind me every single day of the darkness I faced. They will remind me everysingle day, how strong I really am. I had no idea it was in me. You never truly know how strong you are until you are faced with life changing experiences.

My favorite expression that I think of everyday. "Kia Kaha" - forever strong