Finding Clarity

I am so happy. I can't remember the last time I was this happy. Despite having cancer, these past 6 months have probably been the calmest, funnest (not sure if that's the proper way to use that word), happiest I have had in years. For the first time, I don't let things get me down like I did before. I am not as sensitive or easily offended like I was before. I even LOVE things that 6 months ago, I NEVER would have thought I would love.

I feel clarity for the first time, I go with the flow. I am content. I am calm. I am happy.

I love, love, LOVE what I do everyday. I love being at the salon. I love the girls I work with. I love the friendships/sisterships we have made. I love art. I love makeup. I love exploring. I love nature. I LOVE ALASKA :) I love my Parents and Brother. I love documentaries. I love learning and expanding my mind. I love fire and hunting. I love being outside. I love waking up to a new day. Before Cancer or B.C., it would take me forever to crawl out of bed. I wasn't enthusiastic about starting a new day. I ALWAYS had to be somewhere, be with people, be doing something or I wasn't happy. But Now, I enjoy getting out of bed in the mornings. I love what each new day brings, even if it's not "exciting". Even if it is a day full of chemo, full of being sick, full of physical pain, I still enjoy being able to wakeup and to have the opportunity to face and learn from each new day.

I am beginning to feel, and believe that this trial is what I needed. I needed it more than I realized. Before, I was on this downward spiral, I felt like my life was beginning to be out of control. I remember thinking to myself "I am going to be like this forever?" And then, I woke up one day and it drastically changed. I was scared. I was unsure of what the future held. I felt like I was walking through a dark forest and wasn't able to see the clearing. But now, I finally made it to that clearing. I never thought I would get here. But, I did. I survived. I was able to make it through one of the hardest, realest, unimaginable things. But, I faced it, denied it, tried to run from it, accepted it, embraced it, and learned from it. Now, I know I can get through anything. I know that life really isn't as bad as I was making it before.

I wouldn't trade this experience for anything.