Kia Kaha

"Kia Kaha" - "a Māori phrase used by both the Māori and Pākehā (European) people of New Zealand. It means forever strong and is used as an affirmation. The phrase has significant meaning for both the Māori and Pākehā people of New Zealand. "

This affirmation is what my cousin Jordan shared with me today. It's simple, but powerful.


This past week has been interesting. At the beginning, I was so sick from the chemo, (probably the second worst I have ever felt and it lasted longer). This then instilled all these unnecessary fears. You know the ones, the "what if" fears. I'm really not a fan of those. "What if this happens..", "What if that happens.." Not very productive, I know. I had a moment where I was feeling sorry for myself and was really down, I'm not gonna lie, chemo is hard, it's so hard on your body. It's basically a controlled poison, that is injected through my chest into my veins. Everyday is different, so I never know how I am going to feel. So, like I said before, I had a pity party and everyone who was in ear shot was invited whether they wanted to be or not. :)

I think it's because I haven't really fully accepted the fact that I have cancer. I don't think I even know how to fully accept it. I don't know if anyone really can. I don't even think I have really allowed myself to think about it, like really think about it, and really feel all of the feelings that go along with it. (that was a lengthy sentence.. sorry English Majors) Well, until last week. So, last week was actually necessary for this journey. Before last week, (so a few weeks ago) I remember praying to the Lord, praying to know what I was supposed to learn from this experience, I felt like I was forgetting. I prayed that I would be able to fully understand why this was happening to me, prayed to become more humble during this time and to be able to fully rely on the Lord for everything. Let me tell ya, he answered that one. But, as I look back now, while writing this, I've learned so much, just in the past few days.

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A friend of mine sent me a page request on facebook the other day. It was for the "Lymphoma and Hodgkin's Disease Awareness and Survivors Club". At first, I really didn't look at the page, only because talking, reading, listening, basically any action word that could be used with the topic of Hodgkin's Lymphoma freaks me out. I know I talk about it, but I don't talk about it... Which may or may not be healthy, I don't know. Anyway, the other day I clicked on the page and started reading some of the posts. There are so many people who are dealing with this, it was nice to hear their stories. But there was one in particular that really struck me. (And now looking on the page again, I can't find it...) But, it basically said "as a cancer fighter, you have no right to give up, especially when it gets unbearable, painful, scary, hard, etc"

I thought about that for a while. A long while. And I'm still thinking about it now. I really like that, I like that a HL Survivor wrote it so a HL fighter like me could see it and be reminded. Not that I was going to give up, but sometimes you wanna stop. Not quit, but just take a break from all the medicine, doctors, blood work, etc.

So, Thank you HL Survivor, whom I cannot find on the page, your strength, experience and wisdom have given me that extra boost to face the short, rocky road ahead. And then I will be a HL Survivor like you, and will be able to help those fighters find the strength that they have inside of them.

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I have a favorite band. Mumford and Sons. They are an English, Folk, Rock Band, who use accordians, guitars, keyboards, and drums. Anyway, they are amazing, I love them. There is one song in particular that is always in my head. It's called "The Cave". There is one line that I love, that I repeat to myself when the going gets tough.
"I'll find strength in pain" . I love that line.


Anyway, if you haven't noticed yet, my mind is on constant topic change. I bounce from one topic to the next and back again within minutes. So, thank you for enduring. :)