Golden Birthday

It's almost my Golden birthday! 27 on the 27th.

So here's 27 things I've learned.

1. Only you are in control of your happiness and emotions.

2. Nothing worth having in life is handed to you on a plate.

3. You have to work hard to achieve your dreams.

4. Your dreams and goals do not happen over night, but they are worth working for.

5. Family is by far, one of the greatest gifts in the world.

6. When you're entire life changes in an instant, mainly based on your choice or the actions and choices of others, just know, you WILL be okay. 

7. Life continues to go on and Time begins to heal everything and soften hearts.

8. It is important to forgive yourself for all the poor choices and mistakes you have made in your life. No one is perfect and you are loved and amazing.

9. Make sure you find the good in each day. 

10. Try not to allow your happiness to be controlled by the opinions of others, no matter how hard it maybe. 

11. Learn to love yourself. Flaws and all.

12. This life that has been given to you, it is a gift. Try not to waste each day by doing things that do lift you up.

13. Keep your 'garden weeded'. Negative influences really do drag you down and keep you from progressing.

14. Forgive those who hurt you and love them unconditionally, even if they don't love you back. 

15. Make sure you take time for yourself each day.

16. Nurture your spirit. When the soul doesn't feel at rest, your entire mood can be affected.

17. Be kind to yourself and to your heart. 

18. Find a balance in your life. A balance between people, friends and family. A balance between work and social and spiritual. Having a balance makes life so much easier and more enjoyable.

19. Have a few close friends in your circle. Make sure they only lift you up and direct you toward your goals and toward uplifting things.

20. Don't be afraid, no matter how hard and scary it may seem, to let go of things that no longer lift you or serve you a positive purpose. You are only hurting yourself by hanging on.

21. Have a good relationship with God. And Have faith in Him, His timing, and His plan.

22. Don't get so caught up on superficial things that you forget about what's most important.

23. Instant Gratification is a selfish desire. One that I sought out on a daily basis, up until about a few months ago. It only causes temporary happiness that fades and leaves you wanting more of something or leaves you feeling empty once the 'happiness' is gone.

24. Write in a journal. It's always neat to go back and reread things. Sometimes I learn things from entries I wrote, 3 years prior.

25. Always find something to be grateful for.

26. Tell your loved ones how much you love them.

27. Try to be the best person you can be each and everyday. 

Saguaros

The last few weeks have been extremely enlightening. And for the first time in a long long while, I can say I have clarity in my mind, and peace in my soul.

On Sunday, after church, I took a drive (by myself) out to Saguaro Lake. I have always enjoyed that drive. The scenery, the small mountains, the cacti, the desert. I love when you enter Tonto National Forest, and the scenery goes from flat, to rocky. Its so serene to see the Mesas and all the different rock formations. All of God's creations. I love seeing the hundreds and hundreds of different cacti. From the tall Saguaro, to the small bushel looking ones (I have no idea what their names are).

I love how the scenery instantly changes when you turn off main highway and onto the road that leads you directly to the lake.

If you haven't been there, the lake is more like a reservoir, and is surrounded by canyon rims and cacti. Its incredible. Something you wouldn't ever expect to find in the desert.

Arizona, in fact is more than just a baron, dry, wasteland, as many would think. In fact, it not only has my heart, and is my home, but, it also has so many different kinds of scenery. From cacti (obviously), to Palm Trees, to mountains, to dirt that is so dry it takes a few hours to absorb any water, to snow, to unbearable heat, to orange/lemon/grapefruit/apple trees, to pumpkin patches, to scorpions/rattlesnakes/wild tarantulas (yes, I have seen all of them in person), to black bears, and so many other things  one wouldn't expect.

You can drive a few hours north, into the White Mountains, and see pine trees, and even snow. In fact, there are a few ski resorts in the lovely state. We not only have the Grand Canyon, just a few hours away, but also tons of Native American and Hispanic Culture. I simply love it.

When I first moved out here, I was so caught up on building my life out here, that I almost became distracted with everyday life, that I didn't make time to enjoy the awesome nature and blessings around me.

The last few months, I have been able to do that. To open my eyes and to really enjoy the natural wonders and beauty all around me. It has given me some amazing reminders that God in fact, is real and that He did, in fact create this earth and us.

Its such a beautiful thing to know and believe.

I am truly grateful for that knowledge. It gives me peace and joy.




*As you can see, I didn't technically take these particular photos.. the ones I took didn't do any justice and these captured it perfectly :)

I had a thought occur to me as I was getting ready to begin my day today. Its probably no secret whatsoever that I am a very VERY anxious individual. Many of my close friends and my relatives and maybe even my acquaintances have all seen it at some point or another.
Anxiety is something that I have dealt with since I was a little girl. And something that I deal with on a daily basis. Its how my brain is wired. For years I would try and fight it, thinking that there must be something wrong with me. But, its just the way I was born. And I accept that. I have been able to learn different, healthy techniques to be able to deal with it. And I certainly have had so much help from Heavenly Father. Which I am entirely grateful for.
I have learned and am still learning that the way my mind works, is actually a blessing, rather than a curse.
Sometimes it doesn't even phase me, and sometimes it literally consumes my entire mind and body.
Honestly, lately, my anxiety has been much stronger and overpowering. But the last few days, I have taken the time (after a little cry session and pity party) to breathe and to do some introspection.

And I was reminded that. Anxiety, fear, discouragement, anguish, depression, all those negative feelings come from the adversary.  Its that simple. Christ and our Father in Heaven don't instill those feelings in us. They fill us with Peace, Comfort, Love, Serenity. Yes, he allows those negative feelings to be present at times, but it is up to us to accept that we have those feelings in the moment, and to learn how to balance having those emotions at times. But to also continue to go about our daily lives and become better and better people each day. I say to become better, NOT to become PERFECT. There is no such thing as perfection, and If someone tells you they are perfect or they don't have any faults, then they are totally lying. Having weaknesses, physical, emotional and mental weaknesses are all a part of this mortal experience here on earth.

I am also being reminded that typically when something amazing is about to happen to us, or maybe a big spiritual growth spurt is about to come about, the Adversary (satan) is aware of the amazing potential that we all have as children of God and he is going to do every single thing possible and in his power to cloud our minds and fill our hearts with anguish, confusion, and darkness. It literally scares him to know that we all have a divine potential in this life and he wants nothing more than to see us fail.
So he really will do whatever he can to keep us from doing so. And its totally scary to realize how easy it is for him to get a grip on us. But, the beauty is, that we can recognize and ask ourselves where those negative feelings are coming from.

I have to say that I am grateful for my weaknesses and for my adversities and challenges. Because of them, I am able to face them and overcome them, maybe not completely all at once. It honestly can take a few weeks, months, years or even decades. But, I am grateful because I know that by facing them and overcoming them little by little each day, I am becoming a stronger person.

A dear friend of mine shared this General Conference talk with me a few years back when I was going through chemotherapy. It is a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" It can be found on LDS.org along with many other amazing talks.

"... opposition turns up almost any place something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. It can occur in situations related to your family, Church callings, or career.

With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

 

 

 I love this quote, it simply speaks for itself and can speak to any of us in different ways, depending on where I lives are.

 

I am grateful for the so much. Life really is a blessing and there certainly is much to be grateful for.

It has been a long time. I used to be such an avid blogger, I always found it very therapeutic. It was also a great way for me to be able to share with those who were concerned, about what was going on in my life, especially a few years back during my cancer journey. It's the end of 2014. Its been one hell of a year. I would say 'heck', because that is more 'politically correct', but, 'heck' doesn't even begin to describe it. I look back and see how much things have changed in the last few years. They have certainly changed in a positive way! I have learned so much, done so much, experienced so much. I know that none of this flows, but I am literally typing exactly what words come to my mind. This will be a raw blogpost. But, that's who I am. I really don't think I have anything profound to say. Nothing intense. No life altering news that is causing me to reflect on every single emotion and thought. I was just back in my childhood home , packing and sorting through some old things and thought 'I want to blog again'. And so that brings me to typing this lovely post. I guess if anything, I can type about the gratitude that I am feeling in my heart. Well, its more like anxiety, but, the anxiety is in turn allowing me to think about the blessings I have in the midst of some of my crazy, imperfect life. I am thoroughly grateful for all the good things in my life. The people who inspire and love me for who I am. The world is full of competition, jealousy, self pity, self absorption, anger, hatred. We see it all around us, once we leave the walls of our homes, (or sometimes we experience those things within the walls of our homes) and embark on our everyday life journeys in the real world, its so easy to feel affected by those. What makes it tolerable and easier to handle is knowing one has a good group of good, solid people who love unconditionally no matter what. I am so blessed to have that. I first and foremost have that with my amazing family that live in the same state as I do, as well as the amazing family members who live in other states. No matter where I go, if there is family there, I always feel safe, loved, and at peace. I am also grateful for the wonderful people (im mainly talking about the close people in my circle, but, please note, there are many people in my casual circle whom I know love me too.. its just a different level of friendship and love) but, I am so grateful for the small group of individuals in my life who are not only involved in it, but also make memories with me, support me, and just bless my life with their love and gift of friendship. Real, genuine people are extremely hard to come by. And once you find those ones who are genuine and loving, though they may imperfect (as I am too), they are the ones to hang on too. Those are the ones I hang on too. Its so interesting how some people come into your life for random time frames. I always seem to learn something from them, whether its positive or negative. I'm grateful for them as well. But, I am certainly grateful for the ones who have seen me at my happiest, saddest, strongest, weakest, and still have chosen to be in my life. Its a rare thing to find. And I am forever grateful. Something that I am really trying to work on now is to not get so upset with people based on their actions. I feel like its so easy to get bent out of shape about the littlest things. I guess maybe that will be one of my 'New Years Resolutions'. I think "New Years Resolutions" are funny because, I know I have been guilty of this, I would make all these goals whenever a new year would approach, and I wouldn't ever see the goal through to the end. And once the goal got hard, or I became complacent, I would just forget about it and move on. But, I feel like its important to constantly have small goals to work towards a big overall goal. If that even makes sense. Life, as I have learned over the last 8 years or so, really is about constant progression. There are moments when you rise and moments when you fall. But the key is to keep the eye on the prize, and when you fall, pick yourself up and keep going. That really is something I remind myself of on a daily basis.

3 years

~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much. The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had. Untitled "Your life can change in a moment I've heard that time and time again But I had no idea what that meant Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend A Friend? It's such a kind label One may wonder why it could be considered such But, for me it has helped me to grow And to cherish this life so much I'll always remember that phone call The day my life drastically changed. The words, the emotions, the fear Made my life become deranged. I didn't have all the answers Didn't know what would lie ahead. I didn't know if I was going to make it. Or if I would end up dead. My support system instantly manifested. 'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say. But their loving words, their kindness Didn't seem to take the pain away. I'll never forget that Thursday I'll never forget the tears. I collapsed, crumpled on the floor A few minutes felt like many years. I thought of my future, my husband, my family. Would I meet them in this lifetime? Would they be able to know me? I thought of my parents, And how this friend would hurt them so. How do I introduce them, to a thing they would NEVER wish to know? This journey has taught me to be Thankful, To realize how blessed I truly am. So I'm thankful for EVERY single day, Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb. I'm Thankful for the pain, That I felt every single Night. The way my body and my spirit Naturally decided to Fight. I'm Thankful for the clippers, Which took away my hair. It taught me to feel EMPOWERED, Rather than feel despair. I'm Thankful for the Chemo That beat my body down. For I know that it's purpose, Was to run the Villan out of the Town. I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights, Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt Because I was able to rely on the Father, It taught me to reach out. I traded in my Vanity For scars that cover my Body. They will be there everyday, But, I won't let them haunt Me. The marks that cover my hands The port inside my chest Will constantly be a reminder Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest. My wig, though it's a hassle I take it every where I go It allows me to feel "NORMAL" While I am dealing with the Foe. I called this cancer my friend It has literally changed who I am. It has left it's mark, It has become my #1 fan. It wants to be with me forever. It wants my body to be it's home. But, I refuse to let it. I won't let this Stranger roam. A stranger, a foe, a friend So many names I've called it It's all of those, I can't just pick one One name just doesn't seem to fit. I know that once this trial is over A new one will arise. But, I know how to face my fears now, I am able to look them straight in the eyes. I testify that Christ is real. He has been with me along the way. He continues to love and bless Me Each and Every Single Day. You never know how strong you are When things go out of your control. You have to let go, You have to have Faith And allow Christ to play his role. I'll always remember that Thursday The day my life drastically changed. I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior, From me he will NEVER be estranged."

October 14, 2010

It has certainly been quite some time (almost a year and a half), since I have writen on my blog. Tomorrow, October 14,2013 is the 3 year anniversary since I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Gosh, it's hard for me to think back to that moment, so many emotions were felt. It is certainly a day I will never, ever, forget. Thursday October 14, 2013. I was 22 years old. I had had surgery a few days prior, they took out part of a tumor from my neck, to biopsy it and make sure it wasn't cancer. 2 days after the surgery, I went back to work. Being in the salon, doing what I love, helped me so much during that time. It helped me to escape my worries of the unknown. It was a Thursday. I went to the salon, waiting for the doctor to figure out what the mass in my neck was. I kept my phone close to my side. I was in the middle of a men's haircut when the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I only knew it must have meant one thing. I excused myself and went into the bathroom (the quietest place in the salon) and answered. The voice on the other line was a familiar one. It was the doctor who had performed the surgery. Keep in mind, a few weeks prior to this, the doctors were almost 95% sure that the tumor was In fact malignant. He spoke to me, letting me know how the surgery went and what the biopsy results were. I felt sick to my stomach. The tone in his voice wasn't that of a doctor speaking to a patient. It was almost as if it were a friend, bearing devastating news. He said those dreaded words, "You have cancer". I remained calm. I politely thanked him for calling me and we said our farewells. In that instant, I literally collapsed on the floor, into a ball and began sobbing and sobbing. I don't think I had cried like that in years. After a few minutes, I composed myself, wiped my tears away, and I knew I had to face the world. The girls at the salon knew, without me even saying a word, what the results were. They all began to give me hugs as the tears poured out. I remember sitting in a chair and all I a sudden my boss, mentor, and friend, came back and held me in her arms as I cried uncontrollably. She kept telling me that she loved me and that "we would get through this". I drove home that day. I knew my parents were out on a date. It had been some time since they went because they were consumed by the stress of my health issues. I didn't want to call them and give them the awful news. I wanted them to have an evening of joy, before I destroyed their world. I called many different people on my way home. I can't quite recall whom I called, in what order. But I remember, not being able to get a hold of anyone. I ended up calling my childhood best friend/brother Morgan. He had been one of the few people whom had known the possibility for cancer was high. Getting the words out were just the beginning of the many hard things I would have to say in the next year. I got home, and I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I went home and told my Aunt and cousins, they live next door to my parents. I went over there and shared the news with tears in my eyes. I was finally able to share the news with my wonderful parents. The worst feeling in the world is not so much receiving a possible death sentence, but, was telling my loved ones what was going on, and seeing their hearts literally break right in front of me. I ended up sending out a mass text to my close friends... I knew I needed to tell everyone in my life. They needed to know what was going on, just incase I didn't make it. They will all tell you how casual I made the text. Haha I didn't want to startle them. I believe the text went something like this.. "Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know, the docs found a mass in my neck and chest, it's cancer. But, I'm sure I'll be fine! I love you!" I mean, how else do you tell your friends and loved ones that your body is consumed by a deadly disease, without causing them to panic. I mean, I knew they would figure it out anyway, if I didn't tell them. He bald head and sickly body would for sure give it away. The next few days after my diagnosis were a whirlwind. I met so many people who were such a wonderful support to me. I met a few cancer warriors whom had been through what I was going through, except their stories and fights are more incredible than mine. Lori Lober, Jackie Malena, and Jessica Airington, your guys strength and courage let me know that I could also beat this. We met with different doctors through out the Kansas City area. But, we didn't have much luck. Finally, after much research, prayer, and patience, my dad saw a commercial for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We made the phone call, and were able to get an appointment for me to meet with their highly trained team of cancer specialists. The closest location to me at the time was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, it was mid October, my favorite month. There was no way I was going to be on deaths door from chemotherapy during my favorite month. I decided that November 1,2010 would be the day we could make the 4 hour drive to meet my doctors. Eventually, we had a plan set up on how to fight the disease. I felt peaceful. Little did I know/understand/comprehend the upcoming days, nights, weeks, months, and even few years of pure Hell and darkness that awaited me. Through the journey, I was able to feel the healing powers of Christ and his Atonement. The healing powered of the priesthood, faith, fasting, and prayers from many people across the world, and a positive attitude, are truly what saved my life in the end. The safety of the gospel, temple, my family and loved ones gave me much comfort. I am thankful that it's been 3 years since that awful day. I am thankful I kept fighting. I continued to live my life as normal as possible. Only a small handful of my clients knew what I was going through. I continued working at the salon the entire time I was sick. I would receive 8 hours of chemotherapy on a Monday, drive home the next day, and return to work that Wednesday. Work is what kept me from freaking out. I was able to feel like a "normal, healthy" Individual. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

We have to taste the bitter, in order to enjoy the sweet.

Dang, it has certainly been a while. Life has been crazy the past month and a half. It's been good overall, I've had a few aha moments, made a few new friends, and caught up with old friends. The past week and a half, my heart has been so full. I had a few bumps along the way leading up to this point, but, they have taught me so much. You know, it's funny, my life is finally back to what one would consider as "normal". I'm cancer free, no more surgeries, scans, (actually, not quite), but, no more medicine, chemo, hair loss, sickness. I'm back in the real world. The life of a young single adult again. Which means, dating, relationships, friendships, independence, etc. Before cancer, if one of those things that i listed above, did not go the way I had planned, it would have literally crushed me. I would have thought it was the end of the world, I would have sat around dwelled, cried, moped, and become depressed for a long period of time. But now, when those things don't go the way I planned, or if someone hurts me, or if I go through a breakup, or lose a friend, or have any sort of adversity, yeah, it's sad, and yeah I'm human so i feel those emotions. But, I am able to take a step back and tell myself, that having cancer was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Probably one of the hardest things anyone could go through. Literally being close to deaths door, not knowing if you are going to live to be 100 or survive, but, having to be on chemo for the rest of your life, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, it changes you. It changes the way you think, feel, your viewpoint on life. Waking up everyday, feeling the toll on my body from the abuse of the chemotherapy and radiation. Feeling the tightness and aches in my chest from where they cut through the bone to remove a tennis ball sized tumor, not quite 6 months ago. SEeing the scars along my chest, abdomen, hands, and arms from all the cutting, poking, and proding the doctors had to do in order to save my life. Those all remind me that life really isn't as bad as it may seem in the moment. Sometimes, it's not going to go the way we plan, people are going to leave us, hurt us, we are going to have mean customers at work or someone may make us mad, a friend may betray us, we may lose a loved one, lose a job, move to a different city or state, It's a part of life. We have to go through trials, whether big or small. We have to taste the bitter in order to enjoy and be blessed with the sweet. But, we have to remember that life is not always as bad as it may seem. I've thought about the this past week. I've been able to use my cancer journey as a learning experience. It has helped to be able to be strong with who am. It's touched my life, have met so many amazing and beautiful people from it. I am thankful for it because it has saved me from my old emotional habits of allowing another persons actions to affect me long term. Now, am not saying that I dont feel anything when somethindg bad or sad happens, I do. I am just able to move forward quicker, and heal faster because I change my thought pattern. It's not easy, and it takes a conscious effort, but the lord has truly helped me. I was sitting at church today, in the congregation, and I saw all the families sitting there with their children, I felt so much peace. That is the true purpose in this life, to become families, to bring children into this world and to return back to our father in heaven. Its such a beautiful thing. And I look forward to the day when I am able to bring my own children into this world as well. Maybe not tomorrow, but I know someday I will be able to and I know that they will teach me so much. I am gratful to be alive. I am grateful for the blessings I have.