https://soundcloud.com/user-508685336/laurencarey

 

I'm not tech savvy at all. But after much patience and from help from friends, I was able to get the hard copy of the interview turned into an audio MP3 file. And after MUCH trial and error (because I am NOT tech savvy) I was able to figure out a way to make it easy for anyone to listen...

Or at least I hope so!

Its supposed to work so you can just click on the link above, from your phone, tablet, or computer and you can HOPEFULLY listen to the full version of the interview without having to login or download the SoundCloud app.

Journal entry

I was reading through my old journals from the last 5 years and I came across a journal entry from September 2010.

"September 30, 2010

Thursday

I never thought I could understand what it truly means to literally have your life change within a second.

I received the phone call from my doctor personally. Usually they have their nurses call, but this one called me. They did a biopsy on my neck with a needle. He said it could be one of two things, an infection or malignant lymphoma.

He wanted to schedule a surgical biopsy Monday October 11 at noon. I have to be there at 11am.

Today was a normal day. Woke up, went to the bank, worked, laughed. I was at Bernie and Kristy's (aunt and uncle) when I got the call. Makenna was playing in the living room, wanting me to join her. But when I got the news, I left, really fast.

I held back tears as I drove home

I am 22 years old.

Will I live to see my children grow up?

Will I grow old with my husband?

How long? How much time do I have left?

I walked in the house, Dad was sitting in his chair with his lap top. I told him the news.
He asked me when I found out.

I told him it was about 25 minutes ago.

He teared up and said 25 minutes ago he all of a sudden felt a strong feeling that he needed to write me a letter. And he felt a strong feeling that his daughter was going to need him and her mom to be there for her, more so than they already always are. "

How crazy it was to read that journal entry.

I am very grateful for the life I have been given. For the strength I have been blessed with to overcome adversity. I can't believe all of this was over 5 years ago.

I found out that my Cancer center is holding a ceremony for my for my 5 year cancer free anniversary. I get my name on a plaque at the cancer center and I also get a tree planted there in Goodyear, AZ as a commemoration for surviving.

When my oncologist told me that the other day, I held back tears. I felt so many mixed emotions. But the one thing that hit me hard was that, of course I am happy to be alive and well. But I was more so happy for my sweet Mom and Dad, this journey was not easy for them at all. And being able to share that exciting news from my oncologist was such an amazing feeling.


Here's to another 5 years!

My Story...

It has certainly been quite some time, I remember the day as if it were yesterday, the day I received my cancer diagnosis. Gosh, it's hard for me to think back to that moment, so many emotions were felt. It is certainly a day I will never, ever, forget. Thursday October 14, 2010. I was 22 years old. I had had surgery a few days prior, they took out part of a tumor from my neck, to biopsy it and make sure it wasn't cancer. 2 days after the surgery, I went back to work. I'm a hairstylist, and being in the salon, doing what I love, helped me so much during that time. It helped me to escape my worries of the unknown. It was a Thursday. I went to the salon, waiting for the doctor to figure out what the mass in my neck was. I kept my phone close to my side. I was in the middle of a men's haircut when the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I only knew it must have meant one thing. I excused myself and went into the bathroom (the quietest place in the salon) and answered. The voice on the other line was a familiar one. It was the doctor who had performed the surgery. Keep in mind, a few weeks prior to this, the doctors were almost 95% sure that the tumor was In fact malignant. He spoke to me, letting me know how the surgery went and what the biopsy results were. I felt sick to my stomach. The tone in his voice wasn't that of a doctor speaking to a patient. It was almost as if it were a friend, bearing devastating news. He said those dreaded words, "You have cancer". I remained calm. I politely thanked him for calling me and we said our farewells. In that instant, I literally collapsed on the floor, into a ball and began sobbing and sobbing. I don't think I had cried like that in years. After a few minutes, I composed myself, wiped my tears away, and I knew I had to face the world. The girls at the salon knew, without me even saying a word, what the results were. They all began to give me hugs as the tears poured out. I remember sitting in a chair and all of a sudden my boss, mentor, and friend, came back and held me in her arms as I cried uncontrollably. She kept telling me that she loved me and that "we would get through this". I drove home that day. I knew my parents were out on a date. It had been some time since they went because they were consumed by the stress of my health issues. I didn't want to call them and give them the awful news. I wanted them to have an evening of joy, before I destroyed their world. I called many different people on my way home. I can't quite recall whom I called, in what order. But I remember, not being able to get a hold of anyone. I ended up calling my childhood best friend. He had been one of the few people whom had known the possibility for cancer was high. Getting the words out were just the beginning of the many hard things I would have to say in the next year. I got home, and I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I went home and told my Aunt and cousins, they live next door to my parents. I went over there and shared the news with tears in my eyes. I was finally able to share the news with my wonderful parents. The worst feeling in the world is not so much receiving a possible death sentence, but, was telling my loved ones what was going on, and seeing their hearts literally break right in front of me. I ended up sending out a mass text to my close friends... I knew I needed to tell everyone in my life. They needed to know what was going on, just incase I didn't make it. They will all tell you how casual I made the text. Haha I didn't want to startle them. I believe the text went something like this.. "Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know, the docs found a mass in my neck and chest, it's cancer. But, I'm sure I'll be fine! I love you!" I mean, how else do you tell your friends and loved ones that your body is consumed by a deadly disease, without causing them to panic. I mean, I knew they would figure it out anyway, if I didn't tell them. The bald head and sickly body would for sure give it away. The next few days after my diagnosis were a whirlwind. I met so many people who were such a wonderful support to me. I met a few cancer warriors whom had been through what I was going through, except their stories and fights are more incredible than mine. We met with different doctors through out the Kansas City area. But, we didn't have much luck. Finally, after much research, prayer, and patience, my dad saw a commercial for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We made the phone call, and were able to get an appointment for me to meet with their highly trained team of cancer specialists. The closest location to me at the time was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, it was mid October, my favorite month. There was no way I was going to be on deaths door from chemotherapy during my favorite month. I decided that November 1,2010 would be the day we could make the 4 hour drive to meet my doctors. Eventually, we had a plan set up on how to fight the disease. We would drive every other week down to Tulsa, Oklahoma to do all my treatments and tests until my health was in the clear. I felt peaceful. Little did I know/understand/comprehend the upcoming days, nights, weeks, months, and even few years of pure Hell and darkness that awaited me.

My official diagnosis was Hodgkin's Lymphoma Stage 2b. My entire chest and neck was full of tumors, the doctors told me that is I had waited any longer, my cancer would have become Stage 3 and could have entered my Bone Marrow. I ended up doing 4 months of aggressive chemotherapy, the sessions typically took 4 to 6 hours. And I then did about 30 rounds of radiation. Shortly after finishing chemotherapy, I was doing some follow up scans, and the doctors had found a spot that they wanted to surgically biopsy. The procedure ended up being extremely invasive, they had to cut through the sternum and remove an iPhone sized tumor. Thankfully, it wasn't malignant. The entire experience was life changing. Through the journey, I was able to feel the healing powers of God. I am thankful I kept fighting. 

Today, I am 27 years old, and am in my 4th year of remission. I now live in the Phoenix, Arizona area and visit with my Oncologist team at that location every 6 months for blood work follow ups. I am finally in the clear, so I don't have to do scans as often anymore. 

I am truly grateful to my parents who were my caregivers during that time. If it weren't for their unconditional love and support, I don't think I would have been able to endure the cancer treatments snd the entire process. I'm grateful for all the doctors at CTCA, they never give up on anybody and it's truly a blessing.

Golden Birthday

It's almost my Golden birthday! 27 on the 27th.

So here's 27 things I've learned.

1. Only you are in control of your happiness and emotions.

2. Nothing worth having in life is handed to you on a plate.

3. You have to work hard to achieve your dreams.

4. Your dreams and goals do not happen over night, but they are worth working for.

5. Family is by far, one of the greatest gifts in the world.

6. When you're entire life changes in an instant, mainly based on your choice or the actions and choices of others, just know, you WILL be okay. 

7. Life continues to go on and Time begins to heal everything and soften hearts.

8. It is important to forgive yourself for all the poor choices and mistakes you have made in your life. No one is perfect and you are loved and amazing.

9. Make sure you find the good in each day. 

10. Try not to allow your happiness to be controlled by the opinions of others, no matter how hard it maybe. 

11. Learn to love yourself. Flaws and all.

12. This life that has been given to you, it is a gift. Try not to waste each day by doing things that do lift you up.

13. Keep your 'garden weeded'. Negative influences really do drag you down and keep you from progressing.

14. Forgive those who hurt you and love them unconditionally, even if they don't love you back. 

15. Make sure you take time for yourself each day.

16. Nurture your spirit. When the soul doesn't feel at rest, your entire mood can be affected.

17. Be kind to yourself and to your heart. 

18. Find a balance in your life. A balance between people, friends and family. A balance between work and social and spiritual. Having a balance makes life so much easier and more enjoyable.

19. Have a few close friends in your circle. Make sure they only lift you up and direct you toward your goals and toward uplifting things.

20. Don't be afraid, no matter how hard and scary it may seem, to let go of things that no longer lift you or serve you a positive purpose. You are only hurting yourself by hanging on.

21. Have a good relationship with God. And Have faith in Him, His timing, and His plan.

22. Don't get so caught up on superficial things that you forget about what's most important.

23. Instant Gratification is a selfish desire. One that I sought out on a daily basis, up until about a few months ago. It only causes temporary happiness that fades and leaves you wanting more of something or leaves you feeling empty once the 'happiness' is gone.

24. Write in a journal. It's always neat to go back and reread things. Sometimes I learn things from entries I wrote, 3 years prior.

25. Always find something to be grateful for.

26. Tell your loved ones how much you love them.

27. Try to be the best person you can be each and everyday. 

Saguaros

The last few weeks have been extremely enlightening. And for the first time in a long long while, I can say I have clarity in my mind, and peace in my soul.

On Sunday, after church, I took a drive (by myself) out to Saguaro Lake. I have always enjoyed that drive. The scenery, the small mountains, the cacti, the desert. I love when you enter Tonto National Forest, and the scenery goes from flat, to rocky. Its so serene to see the Mesas and all the different rock formations. All of God's creations. I love seeing the hundreds and hundreds of different cacti. From the tall Saguaro, to the small bushel looking ones (I have no idea what their names are).

I love how the scenery instantly changes when you turn off main highway and onto the road that leads you directly to the lake.

If you haven't been there, the lake is more like a reservoir, and is surrounded by canyon rims and cacti. Its incredible. Something you wouldn't ever expect to find in the desert.

Arizona, in fact is more than just a baron, dry, wasteland, as many would think. In fact, it not only has my heart, and is my home, but, it also has so many different kinds of scenery. From cacti (obviously), to Palm Trees, to mountains, to dirt that is so dry it takes a few hours to absorb any water, to snow, to unbearable heat, to orange/lemon/grapefruit/apple trees, to pumpkin patches, to scorpions/rattlesnakes/wild tarantulas (yes, I have seen all of them in person), to black bears, and so many other things  one wouldn't expect.

You can drive a few hours north, into the White Mountains, and see pine trees, and even snow. In fact, there are a few ski resorts in the lovely state. We not only have the Grand Canyon, just a few hours away, but also tons of Native American and Hispanic Culture. I simply love it.

When I first moved out here, I was so caught up on building my life out here, that I almost became distracted with everyday life, that I didn't make time to enjoy the awesome nature and blessings around me.

The last few months, I have been able to do that. To open my eyes and to really enjoy the natural wonders and beauty all around me. It has given me some amazing reminders that God in fact, is real and that He did, in fact create this earth and us.

Its such a beautiful thing to know and believe.

I am truly grateful for that knowledge. It gives me peace and joy.




*As you can see, I didn't technically take these particular photos.. the ones I took didn't do any justice and these captured it perfectly :)

I had a thought occur to me as I was getting ready to begin my day today. Its probably no secret whatsoever that I am a very VERY anxious individual. Many of my close friends and my relatives and maybe even my acquaintances have all seen it at some point or another.
Anxiety is something that I have dealt with since I was a little girl. And something that I deal with on a daily basis. Its how my brain is wired. For years I would try and fight it, thinking that there must be something wrong with me. But, its just the way I was born. And I accept that. I have been able to learn different, healthy techniques to be able to deal with it. And I certainly have had so much help from Heavenly Father. Which I am entirely grateful for.
I have learned and am still learning that the way my mind works, is actually a blessing, rather than a curse.
Sometimes it doesn't even phase me, and sometimes it literally consumes my entire mind and body.
Honestly, lately, my anxiety has been much stronger and overpowering. But the last few days, I have taken the time (after a little cry session and pity party) to breathe and to do some introspection.

And I was reminded that. Anxiety, fear, discouragement, anguish, depression, all those negative feelings come from the adversary.  Its that simple. Christ and our Father in Heaven don't instill those feelings in us. They fill us with Peace, Comfort, Love, Serenity. Yes, he allows those negative feelings to be present at times, but it is up to us to accept that we have those feelings in the moment, and to learn how to balance having those emotions at times. But to also continue to go about our daily lives and become better and better people each day. I say to become better, NOT to become PERFECT. There is no such thing as perfection, and If someone tells you they are perfect or they don't have any faults, then they are totally lying. Having weaknesses, physical, emotional and mental weaknesses are all a part of this mortal experience here on earth.

I am also being reminded that typically when something amazing is about to happen to us, or maybe a big spiritual growth spurt is about to come about, the Adversary (satan) is aware of the amazing potential that we all have as children of God and he is going to do every single thing possible and in his power to cloud our minds and fill our hearts with anguish, confusion, and darkness. It literally scares him to know that we all have a divine potential in this life and he wants nothing more than to see us fail.
So he really will do whatever he can to keep us from doing so. And its totally scary to realize how easy it is for him to get a grip on us. But, the beauty is, that we can recognize and ask ourselves where those negative feelings are coming from.

I have to say that I am grateful for my weaknesses and for my adversities and challenges. Because of them, I am able to face them and overcome them, maybe not completely all at once. It honestly can take a few weeks, months, years or even decades. But, I am grateful because I know that by facing them and overcoming them little by little each day, I am becoming a stronger person.

A dear friend of mine shared this General Conference talk with me a few years back when I was going through chemotherapy. It is a talk given by Jeffrey R. Holland "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" It can be found on LDS.org along with many other amazing talks.

"... opposition turns up almost any place something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. It can occur in situations related to your family, Church callings, or career.

With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. Face your doubts. Master your fears. “Cast not away therefore your confidence.” Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."

 

 

 I love this quote, it simply speaks for itself and can speak to any of us in different ways, depending on where I lives are.

 

I am grateful for the so much. Life really is a blessing and there certainly is much to be grateful for.

It has been a long time. I used to be such an avid blogger, I always found it very therapeutic. It was also a great way for me to be able to share with those who were concerned, about what was going on in my life, especially a few years back during my cancer journey. It's the end of 2014. Its been one hell of a year. I would say 'heck', because that is more 'politically correct', but, 'heck' doesn't even begin to describe it. I look back and see how much things have changed in the last few years. They have certainly changed in a positive way! I have learned so much, done so much, experienced so much. I know that none of this flows, but I am literally typing exactly what words come to my mind. This will be a raw blogpost. But, that's who I am. I really don't think I have anything profound to say. Nothing intense. No life altering news that is causing me to reflect on every single emotion and thought. I was just back in my childhood home , packing and sorting through some old things and thought 'I want to blog again'. And so that brings me to typing this lovely post. I guess if anything, I can type about the gratitude that I am feeling in my heart. Well, its more like anxiety, but, the anxiety is in turn allowing me to think about the blessings I have in the midst of some of my crazy, imperfect life. I am thoroughly grateful for all the good things in my life. The people who inspire and love me for who I am. The world is full of competition, jealousy, self pity, self absorption, anger, hatred. We see it all around us, once we leave the walls of our homes, (or sometimes we experience those things within the walls of our homes) and embark on our everyday life journeys in the real world, its so easy to feel affected by those. What makes it tolerable and easier to handle is knowing one has a good group of good, solid people who love unconditionally no matter what. I am so blessed to have that. I first and foremost have that with my amazing family that live in the same state as I do, as well as the amazing family members who live in other states. No matter where I go, if there is family there, I always feel safe, loved, and at peace. I am also grateful for the wonderful people (im mainly talking about the close people in my circle, but, please note, there are many people in my casual circle whom I know love me too.. its just a different level of friendship and love) but, I am so grateful for the small group of individuals in my life who are not only involved in it, but also make memories with me, support me, and just bless my life with their love and gift of friendship. Real, genuine people are extremely hard to come by. And once you find those ones who are genuine and loving, though they may imperfect (as I am too), they are the ones to hang on too. Those are the ones I hang on too. Its so interesting how some people come into your life for random time frames. I always seem to learn something from them, whether its positive or negative. I'm grateful for them as well. But, I am certainly grateful for the ones who have seen me at my happiest, saddest, strongest, weakest, and still have chosen to be in my life. Its a rare thing to find. And I am forever grateful. Something that I am really trying to work on now is to not get so upset with people based on their actions. I feel like its so easy to get bent out of shape about the littlest things. I guess maybe that will be one of my 'New Years Resolutions'. I think "New Years Resolutions" are funny because, I know I have been guilty of this, I would make all these goals whenever a new year would approach, and I wouldn't ever see the goal through to the end. And once the goal got hard, or I became complacent, I would just forget about it and move on. But, I feel like its important to constantly have small goals to work towards a big overall goal. If that even makes sense. Life, as I have learned over the last 8 years or so, really is about constant progression. There are moments when you rise and moments when you fall. But the key is to keep the eye on the prize, and when you fall, pick yourself up and keep going. That really is something I remind myself of on a daily basis.

3 years

~ Below is a Poem I wrote while I was going through Chemotherapy back in January. I had only shared it with very few people. I would say probably 2. I wasn't originally planning on sharing ANY of this on my blog, but I wanted to do it for myself, as a way of commemorating the past few months, because they have given me so much. The poem itself is pretty long. But, it captured every emotion, thought, and feeling I had. Untitled "Your life can change in a moment I've heard that time and time again But I had no idea what that meant Until I was introduced to my new Silent Friend A Friend? It's such a kind label One may wonder why it could be considered such But, for me it has helped me to grow And to cherish this life so much I'll always remember that phone call The day my life drastically changed. The words, the emotions, the fear Made my life become deranged. I didn't have all the answers Didn't know what would lie ahead. I didn't know if I was going to make it. Or if I would end up dead. My support system instantly manifested. 'We WILL get through this','I'm Sorry' was all that they could say. But their loving words, their kindness Didn't seem to take the pain away. I'll never forget that Thursday I'll never forget the tears. I collapsed, crumpled on the floor A few minutes felt like many years. I thought of my future, my husband, my family. Would I meet them in this lifetime? Would they be able to know me? I thought of my parents, And how this friend would hurt them so. How do I introduce them, to a thing they would NEVER wish to know? This journey has taught me to be Thankful, To realize how blessed I truly am. So I'm thankful for EVERY single day, Thankful for the Savior who makes me feel as calm as a Lamb. I'm Thankful for the pain, That I felt every single Night. The way my body and my spirit Naturally decided to Fight. I'm Thankful for the clippers, Which took away my hair. It taught me to feel EMPOWERED, Rather than feel despair. I'm Thankful for the Chemo That beat my body down. For I know that it's purpose, Was to run the Villan out of the Town. I'm Thankful for the sleepless nights, Full of Pain and Fear and Doubt Because I was able to rely on the Father, It taught me to reach out. I traded in my Vanity For scars that cover my Body. They will be there everyday, But, I won't let them haunt Me. The marks that cover my hands The port inside my chest Will constantly be a reminder Even when this trial is over and I can take time to rest. My wig, though it's a hassle I take it every where I go It allows me to feel "NORMAL" While I am dealing with the Foe. I called this cancer my friend It has literally changed who I am. It has left it's mark, It has become my #1 fan. It wants to be with me forever. It wants my body to be it's home. But, I refuse to let it. I won't let this Stranger roam. A stranger, a foe, a friend So many names I've called it It's all of those, I can't just pick one One name just doesn't seem to fit. I know that once this trial is over A new one will arise. But, I know how to face my fears now, I am able to look them straight in the eyes. I testify that Christ is real. He has been with me along the way. He continues to love and bless Me Each and Every Single Day. You never know how strong you are When things go out of your control. You have to let go, You have to have Faith And allow Christ to play his role. I'll always remember that Thursday The day my life drastically changed. I'll ALWAYS remember the Savior, From me he will NEVER be estranged."

October 14, 2010

It has certainly been quite some time (almost a year and a half), since I have writen on my blog. Tomorrow, October 14,2013 is the 3 year anniversary since I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember the day as if it were yesterday. Gosh, it's hard for me to think back to that moment, so many emotions were felt. It is certainly a day I will never, ever, forget. Thursday October 14, 2013. I was 22 years old. I had had surgery a few days prior, they took out part of a tumor from my neck, to biopsy it and make sure it wasn't cancer. 2 days after the surgery, I went back to work. Being in the salon, doing what I love, helped me so much during that time. It helped me to escape my worries of the unknown. It was a Thursday. I went to the salon, waiting for the doctor to figure out what the mass in my neck was. I kept my phone close to my side. I was in the middle of a men's haircut when the phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize, so I only knew it must have meant one thing. I excused myself and went into the bathroom (the quietest place in the salon) and answered. The voice on the other line was a familiar one. It was the doctor who had performed the surgery. Keep in mind, a few weeks prior to this, the doctors were almost 95% sure that the tumor was In fact malignant. He spoke to me, letting me know how the surgery went and what the biopsy results were. I felt sick to my stomach. The tone in his voice wasn't that of a doctor speaking to a patient. It was almost as if it were a friend, bearing devastating news. He said those dreaded words, "You have cancer". I remained calm. I politely thanked him for calling me and we said our farewells. In that instant, I literally collapsed on the floor, into a ball and began sobbing and sobbing. I don't think I had cried like that in years. After a few minutes, I composed myself, wiped my tears away, and I knew I had to face the world. The girls at the salon knew, without me even saying a word, what the results were. They all began to give me hugs as the tears poured out. I remember sitting in a chair and all I a sudden my boss, mentor, and friend, came back and held me in her arms as I cried uncontrollably. She kept telling me that she loved me and that "we would get through this". I drove home that day. I knew my parents were out on a date. It had been some time since they went because they were consumed by the stress of my health issues. I didn't want to call them and give them the awful news. I wanted them to have an evening of joy, before I destroyed their world. I called many different people on my way home. I can't quite recall whom I called, in what order. But I remember, not being able to get a hold of anyone. I ended up calling my childhood best friend/brother Morgan. He had been one of the few people whom had known the possibility for cancer was high. Getting the words out were just the beginning of the many hard things I would have to say in the next year. I got home, and I didn't know what else to do. If I remember correctly, I went home and told my Aunt and cousins, they live next door to my parents. I went over there and shared the news with tears in my eyes. I was finally able to share the news with my wonderful parents. The worst feeling in the world is not so much receiving a possible death sentence, but, was telling my loved ones what was going on, and seeing their hearts literally break right in front of me. I ended up sending out a mass text to my close friends... I knew I needed to tell everyone in my life. They needed to know what was going on, just incase I didn't make it. They will all tell you how casual I made the text. Haha I didn't want to startle them. I believe the text went something like this.. "Hey guys! Just wanted to let you know, the docs found a mass in my neck and chest, it's cancer. But, I'm sure I'll be fine! I love you!" I mean, how else do you tell your friends and loved ones that your body is consumed by a deadly disease, without causing them to panic. I mean, I knew they would figure it out anyway, if I didn't tell them. He bald head and sickly body would for sure give it away. The next few days after my diagnosis were a whirlwind. I met so many people who were such a wonderful support to me. I met a few cancer warriors whom had been through what I was going through, except their stories and fights are more incredible than mine. Lori Lober, Jackie Malena, and Jessica Airington, your guys strength and courage let me know that I could also beat this. We met with different doctors through out the Kansas City area. But, we didn't have much luck. Finally, after much research, prayer, and patience, my dad saw a commercial for the Cancer Treatment Centers of America. We made the phone call, and were able to get an appointment for me to meet with their highly trained team of cancer specialists. The closest location to me at the time was in Tulsa, Oklahoma. At this time, it was mid October, my favorite month. There was no way I was going to be on deaths door from chemotherapy during my favorite month. I decided that November 1,2010 would be the day we could make the 4 hour drive to meet my doctors. Eventually, we had a plan set up on how to fight the disease. I felt peaceful. Little did I know/understand/comprehend the upcoming days, nights, weeks, months, and even few years of pure Hell and darkness that awaited me. Through the journey, I was able to feel the healing powers of Christ and his Atonement. The healing powered of the priesthood, faith, fasting, and prayers from many people across the world, and a positive attitude, are truly what saved my life in the end. The safety of the gospel, temple, my family and loved ones gave me much comfort. I am thankful that it's been 3 years since that awful day. I am thankful I kept fighting. I continued to live my life as normal as possible. Only a small handful of my clients knew what I was going through. I continued working at the salon the entire time I was sick. I would receive 8 hours of chemotherapy on a Monday, drive home the next day, and return to work that Wednesday. Work is what kept me from freaking out. I was able to feel like a "normal, healthy" Individual. I can't believe it's been 3 years.

We have to taste the bitter, in order to enjoy the sweet.

Dang, it has certainly been a while. Life has been crazy the past month and a half. It's been good overall, I've had a few aha moments, made a few new friends, and caught up with old friends. The past week and a half, my heart has been so full. I had a few bumps along the way leading up to this point, but, they have taught me so much. You know, it's funny, my life is finally back to what one would consider as "normal". I'm cancer free, no more surgeries, scans, (actually, not quite), but, no more medicine, chemo, hair loss, sickness. I'm back in the real world. The life of a young single adult again. Which means, dating, relationships, friendships, independence, etc. Before cancer, if one of those things that i listed above, did not go the way I had planned, it would have literally crushed me. I would have thought it was the end of the world, I would have sat around dwelled, cried, moped, and become depressed for a long period of time. But now, when those things don't go the way I planned, or if someone hurts me, or if I go through a breakup, or lose a friend, or have any sort of adversity, yeah, it's sad, and yeah I'm human so i feel those emotions. But, I am able to take a step back and tell myself, that having cancer was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. Probably one of the hardest things anyone could go through. Literally being close to deaths door, not knowing if you are going to live to be 100 or survive, but, having to be on chemo for the rest of your life, that is the hardest thing I have ever had to face, it changes you. It changes the way you think, feel, your viewpoint on life. Waking up everyday, feeling the toll on my body from the abuse of the chemotherapy and radiation. Feeling the tightness and aches in my chest from where they cut through the bone to remove a tennis ball sized tumor, not quite 6 months ago. SEeing the scars along my chest, abdomen, hands, and arms from all the cutting, poking, and proding the doctors had to do in order to save my life. Those all remind me that life really isn't as bad as it may seem in the moment. Sometimes, it's not going to go the way we plan, people are going to leave us, hurt us, we are going to have mean customers at work or someone may make us mad, a friend may betray us, we may lose a loved one, lose a job, move to a different city or state, It's a part of life. We have to go through trials, whether big or small. We have to taste the bitter in order to enjoy and be blessed with the sweet. But, we have to remember that life is not always as bad as it may seem. I've thought about the this past week. I've been able to use my cancer journey as a learning experience. It has helped to be able to be strong with who am. It's touched my life, have met so many amazing and beautiful people from it. I am thankful for it because it has saved me from my old emotional habits of allowing another persons actions to affect me long term. Now, am not saying that I dont feel anything when somethindg bad or sad happens, I do. I am just able to move forward quicker, and heal faster because I change my thought pattern. It's not easy, and it takes a conscious effort, but the lord has truly helped me. I was sitting at church today, in the congregation, and I saw all the families sitting there with their children, I felt so much peace. That is the true purpose in this life, to become families, to bring children into this world and to return back to our father in heaven. Its such a beautiful thing. And I look forward to the day when I am able to bring my own children into this world as well. Maybe not tomorrow, but I know someday I will be able to and I know that they will teach me so much. I am gratful to be alive. I am grateful for the blessings I have.

Lisa Grace

I have been blessed greatly.

I think back constantly to a beautiful conversation that I had with my dear friend Lisa, a few months ago. She lives out in Utah, we met over the phone actually through my other dear friend Kelly, while I was going through chemo. We both have a special connection to cancer, which instantly created a bond that is unbreakable. Lisa and I met officially in person last summer, and spent the afternoon in the Draper, Utah temple. And then drove around through the mountains talking about everything.


Lisa and I spoke on the phone a few months ago. She is such a beautiful person, inside and out. She told me that she was going to pray for specific blessings for me in my life, and was going to pray for me to be blessed and have continued strength. She also challenged me to pray continually to Heavenly Father to help myself restrengthen my relationship with him. I hadn't lost it, but I had forgotten how to pray and ask for things, whether it was help or guidance.


Lisa, I have to say, you are one of my guardian angels. I have felt the love of your prayers and the blessings of them. I see them every single day, and not a day goes by that I don't notice that. I am forever grateful for you and the wonderful sistership we share.

You are beautiful, and I am also so happy for the wonderful blessings in your life. I look forward to many more memories we will create and also look forward to finally meeting that new hubby of yours! You are special, I know it, your hubby knows, the people who are surrounded by you know it and of course, our Father in Heaven knows it too.


I love you so much.

Thank you.

Dear Best Friend,

I love you more than anything. We have been through so much together. We've seen each other cry, heard each other laugh, and done plenty of crazy things together. We've shared our inner most thoughts and secrets with each other, knowing that no judgement would ever follow. We have supported each others life decisions, whether we agreed with them or not.

We can go days, weeks, even months without seeing each other or even speaking, but as soon as we reconnect, we just pick up where we left off.

You have been there for me during my struggles, you always reminded me how much you love, admire and appreciate me. I just want you to know, that hasn't ever gone unnoticed. And I will be there for you during your time of need.

I look back fondly on all of our adventures together. We have done some pretty amazing things together, and even separately in our own lives. I know the Lord put us in each others paths for a reason. And I am forever grateful for that.

Always remember how beautiful you are. How important to me you are. I consider you a part of my family. I am proud of you, of the amazing person you have become. It's crazy to think, we were mere children when we met, children who thought they knew everything. It's funny, we really had no idea, huh? That's the wonderful thing about growing up.

I love you, I think of you every single day. I thank the Lord for you on a daily basis as well. Remember, the world is a much happier place with you in it. Keep on shining and inspiring people. Even if you have days where you don't feel like you are special, remember that you are special to me, to your family and to our Heavenly Father.

I look forward to more fun adventures, to new life experiences that I can share with you! Thank you for being my rock, my mentor, my friend. I love you.


Love, Lauren or as you call me "LC"

I love this.



I hope that everyone can reach this point, it's not easy, but it is possible. :).


And once you get there, you will feel a sense of freedom, you forgot possible.

Kia Kaha

I was getting dressed this morning and as I looked in the mirror and saw the scars that cover my chest and abdomen, I was overcome with emotion. For the first time in a while,I felt a sense of empowerment. I saw all of my scars (the old and the new) as something to treasure. They are what set me apart. They define my character, they have contributed to the person I have become. I am proud of the person I am. I couldn't say that 2 years ago. But, now i can.

The past year has been "the year" marker for different things. I can wake up each day and remember exactly where I was a year ago. Whether i was in surgery, receiving chemo, losing my hair, feeling like death was next to me. I remember those emotional drives down to Tulsa. I would literally hold back tears the entire drive. I didn't want my family to see my pain, my fear, my dread. I am sure they knew. I was a cold person. I rarely spoke the entire time we were down there. Whenever I was hooked up to the chemo machine, I would get up out of my chair and push my giant IV into the bathroom with me, collapse on the floor and cry. That was the only time I could be alone, to compose my thoughts. I would cry and pray, I would tell God that I understood the journey I was on was necessary, but I would plead with him that it would be over with soon. I'm sure it wasn't fair for me to ask him that. We shouldn't ask him to take away our trials. They are given to us for a reason.

This past Holiday season was wonderful. I wasn't looking forward to it in the beginning. It was going to be a reminder to me of how sick I was last year, of the "dark" place I was in. I honestly didn't think I would see another holiday season from a "healthy" standpoint.

I did. I saw the holidays from a "healthy" standpoint. God blessed me, he softened my heart.

The end of 2011 was blissful. I was able to spend all my time with old friends, friends I had forgotten about. It was wonderful. I was able to spend time with my family, with relatives I hadn't seen in years. It was amazing. I felt so much unconditional love for all of them. I've been able to recognize the people in my life who truly love and appreciate me. Some I knew were always there, and others I hadn't even realized were there. That is the real treasure in life. The friends who are in our lives, who sacrifice their time to serve, to lift and to just be a friend. My spirits were lifted so much this past week.

So far, 2012 has been wonderful. No chemo and no wigs are a plus. But, I've been able to live in the moment again. I've released myself from all the negative feelings from the past year. Whether they were from being sick, from people who let me down, or residual emotions from the shock and trauma of all that has happened. I've allowed myself to be happy.

I look forward to a new year. I know that no matter what happens, I will be able to get through. I will be able to be happy. I have faced my worst fears, some of them I have faced multiple times, others I have faced once. I am grateful for the journey I have been on. Thankful for my scars. I used to see them as ugly, I used to resent them, I would try to conceal them. But they are beautiful to me. I love them and they will remind me every single day of the darkness I faced. They will remind me everysingle day, how strong I really am. I had no idea it was in me. You never truly know how strong you are until you are faced with life changing experiences.

My favorite expression that I think of everyday. "Kia Kaha" - forever strong

My Christmas Miracle

I feel so full of light.

I love Our Father in Heaven, I love His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.

My heart is full, I feel as though i have finally received the peace and closure that I have been searching for the past year.

I feel as though I am being made whole again, slowly, but surely, I am getting there.

That is a Christmas Miracle for me, in of itself.

I feel joyous.

As I am laying here, I began to think about the past few months. Every moment that I can recall. Every emotion I have felt. Every thought that has crossed my mind.

I wish I could say they have all been "happy" ones.

I think back to the beginning of the Summer, I thought for a second I had it all figured out, then I myself changed the game. I needed to follow the dreams I had made from when I was sick.

I did all of that, I traveled out West a few times, I had campfires in the mountains with old and new friends, I laughed with family members at get togethers. I didn't think about the battle I had fought the previous months. I was doing something I had NEVER done before. I was living in the moment. It was so liberating. So, magical. I embraced my surroundings and the people in them. I enjoyed every minute basking in the fresh, crisp air of the Mountains. I spent evenings lying on the grass in one of the canyons with my cousins, gazing at the stars, and thinking to myself that this was one PERFECT moment. I think back to those moments with fondness, when there wasn't a care. I think about the new journeys which took place as well the past summer.

I remember thinking about an individual whom I had recently met. I knew this person would have an impact on my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that the impact would really affect me. And it did. I changed. I changed in a negative way. I began to feel dark clouds surround me just in their presence. I was angry all of the time. I felt like I had to use my voice to defend who I was as a person to them. I felt anger when I was around them. I felt as though keeping them in my life any longer would be detrimental to my self healing. So, I moved on. It's crazy, I hadn't know the person very long. Just a short while. But that short while nearly destroyed my "sense of self". I had no idea that could even happen.

I eventually became centered again, or as centered as I could be, but this person was in the back of my mind. I had never felt so much anger towards an individual in my entire life. I was so angry. I felt so many negative feelings, even after this person was out of my cirle. But, they were still around, and that is what made it hard for me to let go completely, even though I desperately wanted to.

That anger, wasn't doing any good. It was damaging to my soul, to my mind. I began to doubt everything I believed. Everything I knew to be true, that I had witnessed and experienced for myself.

Then, it changed again. I had a scan coming up, I had good feelings about it, I knew that everything was going to be okay. But, my doctor told me that surgery was the next option, that there was a spot that had been there since August, and she wanted to operate right away.

I shut down. I shut down, I stopped believing, I stopped praying, I became even more hardened and cold than I ever had been. I did so many things to avoid having to think about what was next.

I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to have a NORMAL life, a NORMAL relationship (for once), I just wanted things to be normal. I wanted to plan my life more then 6 months at a time.

The night before my surgery, I was so cold. I spent the evening at church, but that was the last place I wanted to be. But, it was good for me, because even though, I didn't want to feel God's love and feel the love of those who surrounded me, it brought peace to my heart.

That was the start for me.

I spent the next few days in the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. The first day, just hours after my surgery, I cried uncontrollably. I was in a panic, I couldn't believe I had just literally had my chest cut open. I couldn't decide which was worse, losing my hair to chemo or having a scapel/saw to my chest.

I cried, and yelled, and pleaded, and cried some more. My poor parents had to see me like that. But, they held my hand the entire time. It took a few hours before the nurses could give me something to calm me down. I hated them for that. I was still so angry. So angry. That evening, the night nurse was my first friend. The poor day nurses didn't stand a chance. She had been through similar surgeries as I had, and she helped keep me company as best she could. I was able to get some sleep and calm down by the next day.

I was released a few days later. The entire stay at the hospital was full of visits from friends I knew I had, and friends I didn't realize I had. It was the happiest and the most loved I had I felt in a long time.Let me rephrase, I have felt a constant wave of love throughout my life, especially while fighting cancer, but while I was feeling so dark, I had forgotten what it was like to feel loved. This past week was a reminder to me. Because of that I was able to be released from all that anger, hatred, hostility and I was filled once again with the Love of Christ. Seeing these wonderful friends of mine who took the time to "comfort those who stand in need of comfort" reminded me of what this season is all about.

I didn't think I was looking forward to this time of year. And in a way I am not. Well, I am looking forward to celebrating the Birth of our Savior Jesus Christ, and remembering all he has done for us. Not necessarily the commercialized aspect of the holiday with shopping and such. But, the Savior, Jesus Christ, has felt EVERY single thing we have felt. Including the emotional, mental, and physical pains I have felt this past year. He has felt all of them, and HE NEVER gave up.

Sometimes, we may feel as though we want to give up. But, that is the wrong way of thinking. I have thought that many times, but before you think about "giving up", think about what is in YOUR future. You may think it seems bleak, and it may be at times, but there is much to look forward too as well.

This mortal journey is such a small speck of time in the Grand Scheme of Things.

Remember, to be strong and to push forward, even when it seems that the blows keep on coming.

Merry Christmas to all of you, May you feel Peace, Love, and Blessings as I have felt.

Remember the real reason we Celebrate, don't get too caught up in the commercial aspect.

A Moment of Bliss

I walked out of class tonight, it was raining, cold, and gross outside.

I got into my car and once I started it, my favorite Coldplay song was playing, I began driving among all my fellow classmates, rushing to get to the road, free from the campus.

I got on the highway and as I was focusing on the road, with nothing really on my mind, I instantly felt a feeling of peace.

It was a strong feeling. I thought of my class, my professor, my novel sized notes and multiple textbooks I have to read every night. I thought of the salon, my Rio Family, my clientele. I thought of everything I have learned from them and from the beauty industry. I thought of how happy I am for making my long time dream of becoming a hairstylist, a reality.

I thought of everything I want to accomplish in my life, I thought of everything I want to know and learn. I thought about how I have so many things to do in the next few years.

I felt gratitude, elation, bliss.

I thought back to when my 2 friends and I drove up to the Winter Quarters Temple back in April. They went through and did a session, and I did different one. When we were there, I instantly felt a feeling of peace. The same feeling I felt tonight as I was driving home. I have felt that same feeling one other time, this past General Conference. It was a feeling of confirmation, a feeling of peace, a feeling in which I knew my life had been spared. I knew my life wouldn't be threatened by the ugly disease that took it over for a brief time.
I knew that chapter of my life had come to an end, and now I would be able to focus on different things.


These thoughts were manifested again tonight as I was driving home. I thought about how blessed I am to be able to enrich my mind in things that are worthwhile. I feel so well rounded at this very moment. I think back to all the things I have done this past year, right after chemo and right before chemo. I have done things I never would have thought of doing before. Good things of course... :)

I have taken many risks, I have faced many fears, I have cultivated my talents, and re-nurtured old ones. I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times, I have made some smaller dreams happen. I accomplished a bucket list. I did EVERYTHING on my Vision Board.. which means, I still need to make a new one.


I feel bliss right now.

That's all I can say :)


Here are a few moments that made me really happy I would consider them "blissful"


~ Seeing my dear friend Alyssa for the first time in months... we were able to hangout for the first time while I was in remission from Cancer. We hadn't seen much of each other since she had moved away to Utah, but, when I was able to spend some time with her this past Christmas when I was going through chemo. For a moment, I had forgotten about the physical pain I felt and I forgot all my worries. It was a wonderful time.. plus 2 of my other dear friends came to visit as well.

~My Dear Friend Jessica, she sought me out when I gave her a business card at Sephora. We became friends right after I was diagnosed with Cancer.. She and her Ma.. Debbie and of course Jess' hubby Vinny were a huge source of strength for me when I was sick. They were very good at making me feel happy especially when it was hard to feel so. I would visit them after treatments.. Jess would do my makeup for me a lot especially when my skin was gray from being so sick, and she even filled in my brows and lashes the best she could when they were falling out. A dear friend inded :)

~The moments at Jess and Vinny's wedding! That was the one of a few times were I let loose completely. I was so happy that day, happy that 2 of my favorite people were able to declare their love and devotion to each other. They both have been through so much, even as a couple, but they beat the odds and made their love last. Their wedding was a perfect celebration. The photo booth was a hit! We all had a blast wearing wigs and taking crazy pictures.

~ The moments when my dear friend Kate Feider would take pictures of me. It sounds vain yes, but the story behind this is much deeper. Kate has a talent unlike any I have seen. She is able to capture a beautiful story in each of her photographs. She makes them "Lit" as I call them. She captured the moments of me during cancer that were difficult and liberating. She documented the moment when I shaved my head because my hair was falling out in clumps. She made me feel "beautiful" when ever she would post new photos she had taken. My appearance had changed so much over the course of a few months, I went from having long hair, a flat stomach, and flawless skin (I didn't see that at the time, but looking back, I looked pretty darn good.. even though I never saw it in the moment) to having a bald head, swollen and bloated body, and scars all over my hands and chest. Kate helped me to see the beauty I still posessed, even though I never really saw it. The picture of me in the field was the "New Lauren". She captured the emotions of happiness and liberation, feelings I hadn't truly felt in a long time. She captured all of those. I love her to pieces :)

~ My dear friend Karen! She is in one of the pictures along side of me at Jess and Vinny's wedding.. she has always been my partner in crime. We made up so many stories over the years of how we were biological, step sisters who had the same mom but different dads.. yes it still doesn't make sense to me. haha .. Karen has been a sister to me. She has seen me cry, seen me strong, seen me weak, she has stuck up for me when I wasn't able to do it for myself. She ALWAYS cheers me on! She is the best!

~Last but not least.. my dear friend Christina! She made me an Auntie!! Baby Rylee is the light of my life. She came into the world right around the time where I felt my life was falling apart again. Everytime I questioned why I survived cancer, I would look into Rylee's beautiful eyes and see my entire life ahead of me. I knew that she was sent to this earth as a beautiful blessing to her mommy and to remind me that life is a gift and that life as it's perfect moments. And everytime I hold my little niece in my arms, I feel my life is perfect in that very moment.

Sequined Slippers and Un-Brushed Hair

The past few Sunday's I have been teaching the 7 year olds in Primary. I forgot how funny kids are.

They are so knowledgeable and so full of light.

They also say and ask the funniest things.. sometimes the words that come out of their mouth may come across as rude, but I find them hilarious.

Like today for example...

I was very tired and I accidentally showed up for my class in my black, sequin slippers. I forgot that I was wearing them around the house when I was getting ready for church this morning.

One little girl in my class was very puzzled as to why I wore "slippers" to church. Every 5 minutes or so as I was teaching the lesson, she would raise her hand and ask me the same question..

"Sister Carey?? How come you are wearing your slippers?"

or

"Sister Carey?? Didn't your Mom tell you that slippers are supposed to be worn at home?"

I couldn't help but smile and chuckle everytime she asked me about my foot wear.
She was VERY concerened about why a grown up would accidentally wear slippers to church.

It was adorable...


The NEXT funny moment.. was when we had finished our lesson and it was time to go back into the Primary Room with all the other kids so they could sing a closing song and have a closing prayer.

One of the girls in my class turned to me and said..

"Sister Carey? Did you forget to brush your hair?"

haha.. I lost it and couldn't stop laughing... I actually had "Brushed" my hair and styled it .. basically like I normally do. But, to a 7 year old.. the hairstyle looks very messy..

I love teaching the Primary Kids! They make me laugh and bring me so much Joy!

Sweet Tooth?

Frozen Grapes are the way to go!

My cousin shared this quote with me the other day, and I loved it.

"What if you woke up today with only the things you remembered to thank the Lord for yesterday"

I really like that, I can tell you that somedays I may not recognize my blessings, and I don't express my gratitude for them.

I feel so much gratitude right now. One year ago tomorrow, I was diagnosed with cancer. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember the weight I instantly carried, the fear, the unanswered questions. The hardest part was telling the ones I loved what was going on.

I never thought I would be healthy today, I thought the rest of my life would be filled with chemotherapy, radiation, and surgeries. I thought I would spend the rest of my days full of physical pain as the cancer and the chemotherapy both fought to stay in my body. I thought I would be bald for the rest of my life. That may sound dramatic, but I had no idea what to expect in the midst of all the chaos.



I spent many nights feeling sick, scared, angry, and insecure.

But, I always knew deep down, that everything was going to be okay. I had no idea how it was going to be okay, but I just knew.

Once I first heard the words that the cancer was in remission, I felt like I could breathe again, but only for a moment. I had expectations. I expected my body to be completely back to normal, expected to have a full head of hair again, instantly.

It took time, but things have gotten back to normal again. I spent many months after chemo, trying to figure out my life. Trying to figure out what the next step for me was. I began to also feel many emotions I hadn't felt in a long time. I was angry again. I was hurt. I was in shock that something so traumatic happened to me. I began to feel pride amd emnity towards people. I pushed people away. I began to tell myself that the only person I needed in my life was me and no one else. I knew that I was the only person that I could control. And that I wouldn't break my own heart. I wouldn't cause myself to have cancer again. I felt I didn't need anyone.

That thought process led me to become bitter and hardened. I didn't feel like myself at all, and I was okay with that.

I realize now that many cancer survivors and survivors of any kind of traumatic event can have similar feelings and experiences.

I woke up one day and literally felt renewed. I decided that I wanted to serve others again. "Forget yourself and go to work" those words were from President Gordon B. Hinkley's father.

As I did this, I began to feel softened again. I began to see how mericiful God truly is. I began to see my blessings.

I've been able to finally move on with my life. Leaving the past behind me and letting go of negativity. It hasn't been easy.

I now look forward to my future and have decided that I don't have time to be sick. I have so many goals I am in the process of achieving. I know I wouldn't be able to without the Lord.